Ahhhh...the explanation letter arrived. Do I respond?
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Massachusetts (south shore)
Posts: 125
Ahhhh...the explanation letter arrived. Do I respond?
Is this manipulation or real...or both? (His tally for the week, including this incident was 19 beers, 9 wines and 9 scotch)...and yes, I did that anslysis 
due to my lack of trust.
Part of his letter:
"We have something very special I can’t turn away without trying to work through anything that comes our way. I believe we can overcome this issue related to drinking. So please- let’s try to agree on “your normal” I say this because (your words) “booze” is not more important to me than you are
I woke up to you knocking on my door which made me happy. I woke up from a deep sleep, disoriented, surprised and happy to see you. I did not expect to be confronted and we got into to the argument. I went from happy to being caught off guard and my head spinning. You told me you wanted to end our relationship- that’s pretty much all I could focus on and handle. You questioned my drinking and you said I didn’t remember what we have talked about in the past. We have talked a lot about drinking and that I do drink more than you. You believe I drink excessively, sometimes I have. But lately I have not and have been very aware of your concerns. After the day I had and the way I felt, it didn’t seem unusual to have a few drinks with my dinner. I was not feeling good and wanted to go to bed early and sleep well. I tend to sleep better after having wine.
I thought I would watch a little TV then go to bed early and get a good night sleep. And having some wine helps me fall asleep and stay sleep. I am sorry if we disagree on what is considered too much or normal or not normal. But all these things we can clarify and work through. I don’t want to end this over a misunderstanding, or without exhausting all efforts and options to find common ground. Again I’m sorry if I hurt you. Is there a chance that we can find common ground? Can we please define what you consider is “normal”. No joke, I want to be on the same page with you so I don’t upset you. I’ve said it before- you are more important to me than anything, alcohol cannot and should not get between us. I want to be with you and I want us to grow old together. What can we do to make this work? What is acceptable and what is not? Can we try? Can we try to find that common ground where we both are comfortable? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable and the last thing I want to do is lose you. I know WE are worth it. Please try with me to make this work."
due to my lack of trust. Part of his letter:
"We have something very special I can’t turn away without trying to work through anything that comes our way. I believe we can overcome this issue related to drinking. So please- let’s try to agree on “your normal” I say this because (your words) “booze” is not more important to me than you are
I woke up to you knocking on my door which made me happy. I woke up from a deep sleep, disoriented, surprised and happy to see you. I did not expect to be confronted and we got into to the argument. I went from happy to being caught off guard and my head spinning. You told me you wanted to end our relationship- that’s pretty much all I could focus on and handle. You questioned my drinking and you said I didn’t remember what we have talked about in the past. We have talked a lot about drinking and that I do drink more than you. You believe I drink excessively, sometimes I have. But lately I have not and have been very aware of your concerns. After the day I had and the way I felt, it didn’t seem unusual to have a few drinks with my dinner. I was not feeling good and wanted to go to bed early and sleep well. I tend to sleep better after having wine.
I thought I would watch a little TV then go to bed early and get a good night sleep. And having some wine helps me fall asleep and stay sleep. I am sorry if we disagree on what is considered too much or normal or not normal. But all these things we can clarify and work through. I don’t want to end this over a misunderstanding, or without exhausting all efforts and options to find common ground. Again I’m sorry if I hurt you. Is there a chance that we can find common ground? Can we please define what you consider is “normal”. No joke, I want to be on the same page with you so I don’t upset you. I’ve said it before- you are more important to me than anything, alcohol cannot and should not get between us. I want to be with you and I want us to grow old together. What can we do to make this work? What is acceptable and what is not? Can we try? Can we try to find that common ground where we both are comfortable? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable and the last thing I want to do is lose you. I know WE are worth it. Please try with me to make this work."
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
You wrote this back in early December:
"just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months. I realized that he drinks too much. We have spoke about it, but I decided to end things. He is telling me that he will stop drinking and start living a healthly lifestyle. He said he does never want this to be the wedge that divides us. Do I believe him and give him a second chance, or just "date" him AND maybe others too, to give myslef a chance to see if his actions match his words? Thoughts...please!!!"
It seems like he decided not to stop drinking after all. I think you have your answer. So sorry it has come to this, but the good news is that this isn't a years-long relationship.
"just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months. I realized that he drinks too much. We have spoke about it, but I decided to end things. He is telling me that he will stop drinking and start living a healthly lifestyle. He said he does never want this to be the wedge that divides us. Do I believe him and give him a second chance, or just "date" him AND maybe others too, to give myslef a chance to see if his actions match his words? Thoughts...please!!!"
It seems like he decided not to stop drinking after all. I think you have your answer. So sorry it has come to this, but the good news is that this isn't a years-long relationship.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 6
Wow. We'll I guess the ball's in your court now.....do you think he's telling the truth? Do you want him to stop altogether? My AH says he uses the drink to help him get to sleep as well. I believe it to be another excuse. I've never replied to someone's post on here before, so I apologize if I am not much help (learning myself). It seems as though he might be trying to negotiate with you (let's agree on what normal is). I think if you need to discuss what normal is you obviously have a problem. Could there be a "common ground" YOU are comfortable with? Misunderstanding? Is that what he is really calling it?
Stay strong
Stay strong
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think every instinct you have is fighting to get out of this on-again/off-again relationship with someone you don't trust. It might be time to explore what part of you is struggling to find a reason to ignore it. You have been here before. Until you make a change, you will keep coming back here. Sending you strength and courage.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Jennnicole1369 
I've never replied to someone's post on here before, so I apologize if I am not much help (learning myself).
Well. You. Did. Good.
Thank you.
Misunderstanding? Is that what he is really calling it?
Would not believe how much I have "misunderstood" this last year.
Dunno how I can misunderstand so much with just one person.
Misunderstanding. An amazing thing.
Back to Horrible . . . Does that mean he is stopping the Alcohol? Or would that be a misunderstanding?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Good morning Horrible,
"And having some wine helps me fall asleep and stay sleep."
This quote popped out at me bc my RAH used that excuse. Even though he sleeps FINE now, he has a total hang up about not sleeping. He claims he only drank beer to unwind and sleep. The irony is that I do have a spot of insomnia, so I pop awake every night & can verify that he is indeed sleeping just fine.
"common ground"
Horrible, I am sorry to point out that he plans to include his A on the common ground of this relationship. He doesn't want to give her up and he is clearly putting it between the two of you.
Before responding to this letter, I'd go see a counselor and work on why you are attracted to a lost cause. Then if that takes 6 months or so, chances are ABF will be still actively drinking and you might have an easier time seeing your dreams of what the relationship could be IF ONLY and reality.
I know it hurts now, but put the energy into building yourself up. All the best each and every day.
"And having some wine helps me fall asleep and stay sleep."
This quote popped out at me bc my RAH used that excuse. Even though he sleeps FINE now, he has a total hang up about not sleeping. He claims he only drank beer to unwind and sleep. The irony is that I do have a spot of insomnia, so I pop awake every night & can verify that he is indeed sleeping just fine.
"common ground"
Horrible, I am sorry to point out that he plans to include his A on the common ground of this relationship. He doesn't want to give her up and he is clearly putting it between the two of you.
Before responding to this letter, I'd go see a counselor and work on why you are attracted to a lost cause. Then if that takes 6 months or so, chances are ABF will be still actively drinking and you might have an easier time seeing your dreams of what the relationship could be IF ONLY and reality.
I know it hurts now, but put the energy into building yourself up. All the best each and every day.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This is a cycle that never ends, I have been having this EXACT same conversation with my husband (only add two children who are now hurting to the mix). It may get better for a while, bit it will progress.
You have to decide what you can tolerate. He is looking for permission to drink X amount. That never works, I am sorry.
God Bless.
You have to decide what you can tolerate. He is looking for permission to drink X amount. That never works, I am sorry.
God Bless.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I count too sometimes, but I do it just to know I'm not crazy when his personality changes. As in--that conversation was weird, is it me or did he alter it with alcohol?
It doesn't solve anything. It does however give me a logical explanation, which is my type of thinking. I like logic. Unfortunately that too can get me into trouble, because there isn't a whole lot of logic associated with drinking. Well there is, in a very logical-illogical kind of way.
So here we are--Aha! Holmes, I know exactly how many cookies the kid stole from the jar!
Honestly, the kid knows how many cookies he stole from the jar.
Talking with him about it just makes the kid LIE about how many cookies he stole from the jar.
Well they're not kids. No demeaning meant there.
Now, if he had NO IDEA how many cookies he stole, then there would reason to talk with him about the number of cookies. It would be very alarming if he had no clue!
But something tells me they know just how many cookies they had today. Dunno what it is--but it could be that they are able to count too.
It doesn't solve anything. It does however give me a logical explanation, which is my type of thinking. I like logic. Unfortunately that too can get me into trouble, because there isn't a whole lot of logic associated with drinking. Well there is, in a very logical-illogical kind of way.
So here we are--Aha! Holmes, I know exactly how many cookies the kid stole from the jar!
Honestly, the kid knows how many cookies he stole from the jar.
Talking with him about it just makes the kid LIE about how many cookies he stole from the jar.
Well they're not kids. No demeaning meant there.
Now, if he had NO IDEA how many cookies he stole, then there would reason to talk with him about the number of cookies. It would be very alarming if he had no clue!
But something tells me they know just how many cookies they had today. Dunno what it is--but it could be that they are able to count too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 106
A's have some very irrational thinking patterns to excuse themselves from drinking....to continue drinking. His goal is to continue drinking, not to stop, that's what I read in the letter. To him this is a "simple misunderstanding", quack quack quack, he just needs to know what a "normal" amount to drink is in your view, quack quack quack. It's all very twisted thinking. I see no reason to respond, he's made it clear that he hasn't heard you in the past and no amount of discussing it further will make him hear what you want him to now. If you do decide to respond, at least attempt it in a way he can digest. "You need someone that is comfortable with your drinking, I am not". End of a twisted fairy tale, be glad you figured it out sooner than many of us.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi horrible (!), I went back over your previous threads just to check. One thing that stood out was that he was hiding how much he drank, saying it was just beer, but you could see scotch and wine were gone as well. The other point was he was passed out on the couch at 7pm. He says he was sleeping, had a 'few' drinks in preparation for an early night.
My gut feeling is that hiding the amount you drink is serious. I should know, coming from that side of the fence. The normal drinker usually doesn't drink every night, but he seems to need to.
The problem with agreeing on an amount that constitutes 'normal' is that you're going to be policing him to check, and he has hidden his drinking before.
He doesn't think he has a problem, possibly it's not a problem for him when he's not in a relationship, but it is for you.
I wish you all the best with your decision. Only you can say whether you want to give it a go.
My gut feeling is that hiding the amount you drink is serious. I should know, coming from that side of the fence. The normal drinker usually doesn't drink every night, but he seems to need to.
The problem with agreeing on an amount that constitutes 'normal' is that you're going to be policing him to check, and he has hidden his drinking before.
He doesn't think he has a problem, possibly it's not a problem for him when he's not in a relationship, but it is for you.
I wish you all the best with your decision. Only you can say whether you want to give it a go.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
translation - I don't have a drinking problem. is there any way I can change your NORMAL so that I can keep doing what i'm doing and you'll get off my back?????
Horrible- Another thing that stikes me reading your post is that so-called "normal" means it's not generally necessary to have a discussion regarding your partner's alcohol consumption to begin with..... & even IF it does become necessary, it isn't met with negotiation & strategy.
"Normies" would listen, observe their behavior honestly & make the necessary adjustments out of a desire to stop bad behavior before it got worse. An addict will protect their addiction first even if they don't see that in their own behavior.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Is this manipulation or real...or both?
It would only be manipulation if you went back AGAIN based only on his words.
He's not going to stop drinking he's already proved that to you and based on this letter he doesn't see his drinking as a problem as much as you do.
If you always do (go back) what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got, and you'll always feel what you always felt.
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