Chelsea1029

When I first separated five weeks ago I had really hoped my husband would be motivated enough to be get real help...want to quit, etc... There has been a lot of disappointment since then. I have learned so much on this site. I did not even realize just the extent of the stress until I was away from him for a bit. At first I wanted him here often to make things as easy as possible for the kids...I'm over that now. Last Monday when he denied drinking adamantly (still does) but had a .03 and drove our daughter I realized I am done! No contact from Mon. To Sat. was really nice. Yesterday he came to see kids and I went grocery shopping when he was here then came home and made dinner for everyone. He pretended everything was perfect as he does. I did not talk about his mtgs., treatment, drinking, any of it. And it felt good! As much as I want to keep saying things to convince him to stop and want to get him to admit his lies, I think I have finally learned it doesn't do any good. Nothing I have said to this point has changed him and he just continues his lies which just upsets me more. So why even talk about it. He knows how I feel and he still chooses drinking.
Is this an appropriate way to handle contact with him? Is this healthy detachment? Or am I making things too easy for him?

iamthird

You sound very healthy. Just keep doing what youre diing and disengage and it will get easier. I am separated as well interacting daily for kids due to work schedule and Im trying to figure out how is best to minimize that even further so I can get stronger. He comes every morning and on those mornings is my time to see if I am strong or weak for the day. Lol.

I am working on trying to get a new schedule....survive mode!!

CodeJob

Chelsea,

You have children. It is a variable. If he is driving with kids under influence, I agree a family meal here and there or him watching kids at home while you run errands at home might be better arrangement for some time with dad.

Detachment is tough. If you read your post you appear to want your actions to impact him. You need to act for you and your kids' best interest. Letting go is tough. Some days it works and some days you want to play both sides of the chess board. There is a lot of wisdom here and AlAnon and counseling can help for sure too.

honeypig

To me, this is an important part of your post. You say you didn't talk about his meetings, treatment, drinking or anything related. That is GREAT! It's not your business, not on "your side of the street" as they say in Alanon. As you say in your post, nothing you have said has changed him. And you know what? Nothing you can EVER say will change him. He may or may not get that moment of clarity at some point and start taking actions leading to recovery, but it's not going to be b/c of you. Again, from Alanon, the 3 C's--You didn't Cause his drinking, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. Just let that weight slide right off your shoulders!

As far as "making it too easy for him", how about thinking of it as making it easy for yourself instead? Why would you waste time and energy on him when you can spend it making your own life and the lives of your kids better? He'll experience the consequences of his actions in due time, no need for you to try to provoke them now.

Have you considered Alanon? I've found it very helpful in so many ways and would recommend it. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Chelsea1029

Thank you all. You are right it does make it easier for me and that is what I need. The endless conversation about the issue (or me talking at him) is pointless. I am more comfortable with visits here because I can't trust him. It makes it easier to have him here if I'm detached and I do not engage about his drinking. I have insisted that he cannot come here after drinking (which is probably why we didn't see him Mon. - Sat.)
I feel sorry for him at times, other times I'm more angry and hurt. I keep reminding myself of all the things he's done. The emotional abuse article really hit home. Even if wasn't drinking that wouldn't all go away. We have had issues for years about his cold, distant self.
As hard as all of this is...I don't want to live like that. I need to get past feeling like a failure because I couldn't make my marriage work, feeling angry I've wasted 22 years of my life with someone like this, feeling embarrassed by his behavior and what he's done to us financially, etc...
I am looking into al anon - we don't have too many mtgs around here and I have no help with kids so its difficult. I do think there is one I may be able to attend. I will admit that will be hard for me. Small town...I'm so private and I hate to expose my issues to others.

JustAGirl1971

Hi, Chelsea. I can relate. My STBXAH and I have been together over 25 years, married about as long as you & your AH. My AH recently moved out and we are in the process of divorcing. He is actively drinking. Since reconciliation is not an option, I feel no compulsion to ask him about his drinking, his life, etc. I admit that I do occasionally wonder how much he is/isn't drinking, what he's doing, if he's taking care of himself, etc. I just try to stop those thoughts and keep the focus totally on me, my recovery, and our children. It helps that I have not seen him in over two weeks.

As for al-anon, it has helped me tremendously! As for exposing your issues to others, the great thing about al-anon is that the focus is on you and your recovery. You do not have to share specific details regarding your circumstances with the group unless you choose to. I have only shared the intimate details of our circumstances with my sponsor and a couple friends in al-anon. Anonymity is taken very seriously in the group and I've had no issues remaining anonymous.

honeypig

Everyone there has the exact same issues, no need to feel ashamed or self-conscious. And you are free to share as much or as little as you choose--some folks simply go and listen until they feel comfortable enough to speak. No pressure, ever.

There are online meetings available, altho I have not tried them myself. You also might benefit from reading Alanon literature. Your local library might have some, and there is a lot available on Amazon. Simply search "Alanon literature" to find it. Almost all items are available used to save money, too.

You deserve all the support you can get in your own recovery!

Edited to add: JustAGirl has it so right in her post--Alanon is about YOU and for YOU. There is very little, if any, specific discussion of the A. It's all about how we, the spouse/sibling/child/parent/friend of an A, have been affected by alcoholism and how we can get healthy again. And believe me, the results are seen throughout your whole world, not just as regards the A!