Anger turning to pity
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Muskegon, Michigan
Posts: 131
Anger turning to pity
So I found out from a friend at the local cab company that a local bar made my XAB call a cab on Monday night and he was apparently so drunk he couldn't even get into the cab on his own.
Today, I watched him from my office window conceal two fifths of vodka in his son's overnight bag while sitting in his car. (long story on why my office is near where he is drinking..it's just a one day a week office..but I must be there)
I found my anger turning to pity today now that what I had known in my heart was happening is confirmed to be true.
I also am fighting a very strong urge to email him and just tell him to go back to step one. To tell him that he is loved. And then just leave him alone. I want him to know that I don't hate him. Maybe he will pick himself up again.
For him and for his son. Perhaps this is narcissistic thinking on my part to believe that if he knew I didn't hate him, he would start recovery again.
But I also know, he always does start some form of superficial recovery eventually, so my intervention really isn't needed. Right? And even when he gets sober, he still lives in denial of his addiction and what it does to him, his son, our relationship, so what the hell's the point anyway.
I don't know. Guess I'm just venting and getting it out here so I don't email him.
Stupid crap. This is just stupid and sad.
Today, I watched him from my office window conceal two fifths of vodka in his son's overnight bag while sitting in his car. (long story on why my office is near where he is drinking..it's just a one day a week office..but I must be there)
I found my anger turning to pity today now that what I had known in my heart was happening is confirmed to be true.
I also am fighting a very strong urge to email him and just tell him to go back to step one. To tell him that he is loved. And then just leave him alone. I want him to know that I don't hate him. Maybe he will pick himself up again.
For him and for his son. Perhaps this is narcissistic thinking on my part to believe that if he knew I didn't hate him, he would start recovery again.
But I also know, he always does start some form of superficial recovery eventually, so my intervention really isn't needed. Right? And even when he gets sober, he still lives in denial of his addiction and what it does to him, his son, our relationship, so what the hell's the point anyway.
I don't know. Guess I'm just venting and getting it out here so I don't email him.
Stupid crap. This is just stupid and sad.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
So does pity come after anger?
I seem to be doing some anger, this week. Does not feel as bad as I imagined -- about the resentment stuff for Step 4. Actually feels good to get it out and see/feel what has been bothering me. But surprised my sponsor, I think. I tend to wear my masks so well that when something real slips by, folks seem surprised.
But your XAB. From what I follow -- AA Big Book and other such -- A's are best when comes to dealing with A's. Sort of like *we* are good dealing with *us.* Does that make sense?
Maybe do you know some old time A's / friends from back when he was sober -- you said "back to Step 1," so I am thinking he used to be in the program? Maybe contact them, ask for help for him, and let the A's handle the A's.
I seem to be doing some anger, this week. Does not feel as bad as I imagined -- about the resentment stuff for Step 4. Actually feels good to get it out and see/feel what has been bothering me. But surprised my sponsor, I think. I tend to wear my masks so well that when something real slips by, folks seem surprised.
But your XAB. From what I follow -- AA Big Book and other such -- A's are best when comes to dealing with A's. Sort of like *we* are good dealing with *us.* Does that make sense?
Maybe do you know some old time A's / friends from back when he was sober -- you said "back to Step 1," so I am thinking he used to be in the program? Maybe contact them, ask for help for him, and let the A's handle the A's.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Izzy, I felt very sorry for him when I read your post. It really is a horrible condition and I too was wondering whether you reaching out to him would help.
I think you're right about it not helping though. He's not drinking for any reason to do with you; you're just collateral damage.
I think you're right about it not helping though. He's not drinking for any reason to do with you; you're just collateral damage.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, izzy, I'm sorry you witnessed that. It is sad, incredibly sad. My stepson called his father recently, and was just as drunk as he could be. It was heartbreaking for my husband, but he has the tools and knows what he needs to do.
I'll send up a prayer for your ex-boyfriend to find recovery, and for you to find peace this evening.
I'll send up a prayer for your ex-boyfriend to find recovery, and for you to find peace this evening.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 35
I loved anger! Pity and dealing with my own sadness are the worst. At least with anger, I could blame my STBXAH, with the sadness and pity I just wish he would change and miss him. I'm glad you didn't e-mail him, would have been pretty pointless, plus doesn't it make you feel like **** to pour your heart out to someone that just doesn't seem to care?
I've gotta get more involved with Al Anon, get a sponsor.
I've gotta get more involved with Al Anon, get a sponsor.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Originally Posted by izzyrose05 
So I found out from a friend at the local cab company that a local bar made my XAB call a cab on Monday night and he was apparently so drunk he couldn't even get into the cab on his own.
Today, I watched him from my office window conceal two fifths of vodka in his son's overnight bag while sitting in his car. (long story on why my office is near where he is drinking..it's just a one day a week office..but I must be there)
I found my anger turning to pity today now that what I had known in my heart was happening is confirmed to be true.
I also am fighting a very strong urge to email him and just tell him to go back to step one. To tell him that he is loved. And then just leave him alone. I want him to know that I don't hate him. Maybe he will pick himself up again.
For him and for his son. Perhaps this is narcissistic thinking on my part to believe that if he knew I didn't hate him, he would start recovery again.
But I also know, he always does start some form of superficial recovery eventually, so my intervention really isn't needed. Right? And even when he gets sober, he still lives in denial of his addiction and what it does to him, his son, our relationship, so what the hell's the point anyway.
I don't know. Guess I'm just venting and getting it out here so I don't email him.
Stupid crap. This is just stupid and sad.
Today, I watched him from my office window conceal two fifths of vodka in his son's overnight bag while sitting in his car. (long story on why my office is near where he is drinking..it's just a one day a week office..but I must be there)
I found my anger turning to pity today now that what I had known in my heart was happening is confirmed to be true.
I also am fighting a very strong urge to email him and just tell him to go back to step one. To tell him that he is loved. And then just leave him alone. I want him to know that I don't hate him. Maybe he will pick himself up again.
For him and for his son. Perhaps this is narcissistic thinking on my part to believe that if he knew I didn't hate him, he would start recovery again.
But I also know, he always does start some form of superficial recovery eventually, so my intervention really isn't needed. Right? And even when he gets sober, he still lives in denial of his addiction and what it does to him, his son, our relationship, so what the hell's the point anyway.
I don't know. Guess I'm just venting and getting it out here so I don't email him.
Stupid crap. This is just stupid and sad.
When other peoples' misery triggers a reaction from me, my action is normally based on compassion but also a tool to handle the discomfort I feel in their presence.
It's kinda like when I sell my house and see that the new owner isn't mowing the lawn. Yet I better do not sneak into their yard with a lawn mower at night...
For a long time I didn't realize that it's my full right to look or walk away from an uncomfortable situation or encounter. Let the lawn mower sleep.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Izzyrose,
I know how you feel all too well as I was there for years with my now RXA... this is the first time I have added the R and he has been on the recovery trail for 6 months now and I am just now starting to see that this man that I loved is determined to make it this time!
The reason I am telling you this as I am an Xcodalcoholic (addicted to my A) and it has now been 7 years since the first time I saw him blacked out drunk amidst dozens of beer bottles and for 4 years I was in the storm of hospitals (5), rehabs (4), jail (3), detox's (3), child support hearings (5) and 3X chasing him out of Vegas where he would end up after one of his chronic relapses.
Point of story: he is a true, card carrying alcoholic of the hopeless kind described in the Big Book. 3X he has been told he was going to die if he didn't stop (he is 47) and he drank on...nothing can stop an A if he wants to drink. The last time he relapsed while with me was 2 years ago and I went NC and he careened around the country created havoc while drunk out of his mind and once again ended up in Vegas.
He drank himself to the point of death and I just kept praying for him and he finally wanted to break up with alcohol but all of us refused to help him and I kept praying that God would deal with him.
He is literally homeless and meets a meets a guy on the street who was taking a road trip from Phoenix (a place where my RXA had done rehab and AA before) and was a Christian and took him back to Phoenix and they simply prayed that God would help him detox. My XA goes into convulsions and always needed a medical detox and he was shaking so bad he couldn't brush his teeth. THis guy was a health nut and had him drinking lots of water, veggies and fruit and prayer. Very small amounts of alcohol to keep from DT's (do not recommend this at all if you have severe dependency you should get a medical detox).
Long story short the man who hadn't worked in over 10 years because of alcoholism and was not even employable in 7 months is driving a late model Prius, is sharing a very nice home with 2 other single men on a lake, has savings in the bank and is doing very well emotionally and spiritually.
And I didn't have a darn thing to do with it. 4 years of angst, hand wringing, screaming, begging, crying, forced rehabs and on and on were wasted energy and I wallowed in the misery of loving an A to the point of insanity.
So release the idea that if he just knew he was loved or if he just knew you cared that somehow you would be the catalyst for his recovery because sadly it just isn't true. We aren't powerful enough to force change in someone else and even love isn't powerful enough... the A must want to quit so badly that there is a psychic change in their brain and willingness to do whatever it takes to stop the madness. Then they must maintain that vigilance with a program and lifestyle change.
I know that God heard my prayers and sent a man hundreds of miles on a trip that he didn't even plan (it was a whim) for a divine appointment with my RXA when the time was right... and the time is always when the A is ready to receive the help.
To be clear my XA had a lot of rehab, AA and is a man of faith and so the foundation was there and he had the tools in foggy spiderwebs in his brain... but the hope you must hold onto is that your love and prayers are all that you need to contribute to this battle because God has this thing 100% but the choice is up to your A. He must choose ....
and if he reaches out to his HP in SINCERITY and surrenders his will he will make it out his addiction.
I hope that this story releases you from your guilt and sadness because worrying over them is so draining... go enjoy the day and know that whatever happens is meant to happen.
PS: My RXA and I are 2500 miles apart and he will be visiting my state next month and I have told him I will not see him... we talk on the phone but I will not see him until he is 1 year sober and that is for a date. No promises except maybe a torrid affair for a week in an exotic location he pays for which will be a first! Lol... I thought this was an easy bet because he never made it more than 8 mos sober in his life and wow... I just might make it to Tahiti after all!
I know how you feel all too well as I was there for years with my now RXA... this is the first time I have added the R and he has been on the recovery trail for 6 months now and I am just now starting to see that this man that I loved is determined to make it this time!
The reason I am telling you this as I am an Xcodalcoholic (addicted to my A) and it has now been 7 years since the first time I saw him blacked out drunk amidst dozens of beer bottles and for 4 years I was in the storm of hospitals (5), rehabs (4), jail (3), detox's (3), child support hearings (5) and 3X chasing him out of Vegas where he would end up after one of his chronic relapses.
Point of story: he is a true, card carrying alcoholic of the hopeless kind described in the Big Book. 3X he has been told he was going to die if he didn't stop (he is 47) and he drank on...nothing can stop an A if he wants to drink. The last time he relapsed while with me was 2 years ago and I went NC and he careened around the country created havoc while drunk out of his mind and once again ended up in Vegas.
He drank himself to the point of death and I just kept praying for him and he finally wanted to break up with alcohol but all of us refused to help him and I kept praying that God would deal with him.
He is literally homeless and meets a meets a guy on the street who was taking a road trip from Phoenix (a place where my RXA had done rehab and AA before) and was a Christian and took him back to Phoenix and they simply prayed that God would help him detox. My XA goes into convulsions and always needed a medical detox and he was shaking so bad he couldn't brush his teeth. THis guy was a health nut and had him drinking lots of water, veggies and fruit and prayer. Very small amounts of alcohol to keep from DT's (do not recommend this at all if you have severe dependency you should get a medical detox).
Long story short the man who hadn't worked in over 10 years because of alcoholism and was not even employable in 7 months is driving a late model Prius, is sharing a very nice home with 2 other single men on a lake, has savings in the bank and is doing very well emotionally and spiritually.
And I didn't have a darn thing to do with it. 4 years of angst, hand wringing, screaming, begging, crying, forced rehabs and on and on were wasted energy and I wallowed in the misery of loving an A to the point of insanity.
So release the idea that if he just knew he was loved or if he just knew you cared that somehow you would be the catalyst for his recovery because sadly it just isn't true. We aren't powerful enough to force change in someone else and even love isn't powerful enough... the A must want to quit so badly that there is a psychic change in their brain and willingness to do whatever it takes to stop the madness. Then they must maintain that vigilance with a program and lifestyle change.
I know that God heard my prayers and sent a man hundreds of miles on a trip that he didn't even plan (it was a whim) for a divine appointment with my RXA when the time was right... and the time is always when the A is ready to receive the help.
To be clear my XA had a lot of rehab, AA and is a man of faith and so the foundation was there and he had the tools in foggy spiderwebs in his brain... but the hope you must hold onto is that your love and prayers are all that you need to contribute to this battle because God has this thing 100% but the choice is up to your A. He must choose ....
and if he reaches out to his HP in SINCERITY and surrenders his will he will make it out his addiction.
I hope that this story releases you from your guilt and sadness because worrying over them is so draining... go enjoy the day and know that whatever happens is meant to happen.
PS: My RXA and I are 2500 miles apart and he will be visiting my state next month and I have told him I will not see him... we talk on the phone but I will not see him until he is 1 year sober and that is for a date. No promises except maybe a torrid affair for a week in an exotic location he pays for which will be a first! Lol... I thought this was an easy bet because he never made it more than 8 mos sober in his life and wow... I just might make it to Tahiti after all!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Muskegon, Michigan
Posts: 131
Hi Everyone.
Thanks for your stories and offers of support. I would try to contact a sponsor but the last one he had wont work with him anymore and I don't really know any of the others. I'm not even sure he had one this very last time he was sober. He was "working" the program on his own I think.
I loved the lawn mower analogy. Not going to mow someone else's lawn. LOL and also it's very true that he could probably care less about my love for him at this point and he would more likely than not be very cruel in any response he sent me. I'm glad I did not email him.
As for him wanting it bad enough, I guess his rock bottom is no where in sight right now. I loved your story Hopeworks and I hope you do indeed make it to Tahiti. For my XABF, in ain't happening. At least not anytime soon. Denial is his best friend with blame a close second.
I am scared for him. When he does detox himself he gets incredibly sick. Ive seen it and it's awful. Shaking and vomiting for days. Just awful. And now he's all over social media talking about driving with his son down to Key West for two weeks. I'm not gonna say a word, but damn, I'm quite sure he can't be sober long enough to make a trip from Michigan to Key West. What a frightful thought. I'm hoping its all talk.
Anyway, I guess, I will just go on about my business and plan my weekend with my kids. I appreciate all of you and your support more than I can express.
Thank you
Thanks for your stories and offers of support. I would try to contact a sponsor but the last one he had wont work with him anymore and I don't really know any of the others. I'm not even sure he had one this very last time he was sober. He was "working" the program on his own I think.
I loved the lawn mower analogy. Not going to mow someone else's lawn. LOL and also it's very true that he could probably care less about my love for him at this point and he would more likely than not be very cruel in any response he sent me. I'm glad I did not email him.
As for him wanting it bad enough, I guess his rock bottom is no where in sight right now. I loved your story Hopeworks and I hope you do indeed make it to Tahiti. For my XABF, in ain't happening. At least not anytime soon. Denial is his best friend with blame a close second.
I am scared for him. When he does detox himself he gets incredibly sick. Ive seen it and it's awful. Shaking and vomiting for days. Just awful. And now he's all over social media talking about driving with his son down to Key West for two weeks. I'm not gonna say a word, but damn, I'm quite sure he can't be sober long enough to make a trip from Michigan to Key West. What a frightful thought. I'm hoping its all talk.
Anyway, I guess, I will just go on about my business and plan my weekend with my kids. I appreciate all of you and your support more than I can express.
Thank you
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
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Hopeworks, I hit the "thanks" button, but also just wanted to say that I loved your story and loved the way you told it.. great insights there!
Izzyrose, you are getting great advice here--just my two cents is that it may sound like pity is a better, more loving emotion than anger, but in terms of an emotion that's useful for a healthy relationship, it's probably just as unloving as anger.. True compassion is when you can truly see the other with understanding and love, but are still able to act on those feelings with appropriate detachment.
Izzyrose, you are getting great advice here--just my two cents is that it may sound like pity is a better, more loving emotion than anger, but in terms of an emotion that's useful for a healthy relationship, it's probably just as unloving as anger.. True compassion is when you can truly see the other with understanding and love, but are still able to act on those feelings with appropriate detachment.
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Location: Muskegon, Michigan
Posts: 131
SoloMio
I am not "trying" to feel anything more healthy other than what I currently feel. Sometimes it's anger, sometimes it's pity...I'm sure with time I will get to acceptance.
I am just feeling my emotions and trying to make sure I do the right thing for myself and my children. If knowing what he is and still loving him but choosing to not be a part of it is compassion, then I have that. I am truly sad for him and us.
I am still fighting this urge to email him. I just have to find a way to give up this stupid dream that he will one day "get it". He's was an alcoholic long before I met him and at this point, will probably be one long after I'm gone.
He'll never get it. He doesn't want to.
I am not "trying" to feel anything more healthy other than what I currently feel. Sometimes it's anger, sometimes it's pity...I'm sure with time I will get to acceptance.
I am just feeling my emotions and trying to make sure I do the right thing for myself and my children. If knowing what he is and still loving him but choosing to not be a part of it is compassion, then I have that. I am truly sad for him and us.
I am still fighting this urge to email him. I just have to find a way to give up this stupid dream that he will one day "get it". He's was an alcoholic long before I met him and at this point, will probably be one long after I'm gone.
He'll never get it. He doesn't want to.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I'm not trying to sound snarky here--I understand your feelings well and have them myself often enough. We want to play "mommy". They don't want a mommy.
At the end of the day, he knows he bought the liquor right? Does he really need to know that you know too?
I know from being told it's like us peeking in their computer files. Not our business, and all it does is make them angry that we got in their business.
At the end of the day, he knows he bought the liquor right? Does he really need to know that you know too?
I know from being told it's like us peeking in their computer files. Not our business, and all it does is make them angry that we got in their business.
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Perhaps this is narcissistic thinking on my part to believe that if he knew I didn't hate him, he would start recovery again.
wow, you have that much power over him? that all he NEEDS is to here from you and he'll be set on the straight and narrow again?
so how come that didn't work out when you two were together then?
said as gently as possible, what he does with his life is none of your beeswax. it's not your job to contact him, to tell him to call his sponsor, sober up, or brush his teeth. as you said, he had a drinking problem before you came along and still does today. that is HIS cross to bear.
scares me for his boy tho......sad when kids are collateral damage.
wow, you have that much power over him? that all he NEEDS is to here from you and he'll be set on the straight and narrow again?
so how come that didn't work out when you two were together then?
said as gently as possible, what he does with his life is none of your beeswax. it's not your job to contact him, to tell him to call his sponsor, sober up, or brush his teeth. as you said, he had a drinking problem before you came along and still does today. that is HIS cross to bear.
scares me for his boy tho......sad when kids are collateral damage.
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Well Jeez Anvil,
Don't I even get a little credit for recognizing my deficit in this thought process. I did notice ya know. That's why I said it was narcissistic thinking.
I do actually HAVE insight. I needed support. Thanks for your straightforward if not completely sarcastic response.
And his kid. 24 year old with cerebral palsey. He can't even feed himself. The young man can't get away even if he wanted to. Yes, very sad stuff
Don't I even get a little credit for recognizing my deficit in this thought process. I did notice ya know. That's why I said it was narcissistic thinking.
I do actually HAVE insight. I needed support. Thanks for your straightforward if not completely sarcastic response.
And his kid. 24 year old with cerebral palsey. He can't even feed himself. The young man can't get away even if he wanted to. Yes, very sad stuff
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