TexasAngel8

Hi -- Quick rundown on the past 11 years. Yes, very quick.

Married to a pretty serious alcoholic for 5 years and spent a lot of time here getting through that. I don't have my old log on, so this is a different name than back then.

Dating a functional alcoholic now for 6 years. Within that time, I decided I too needed to stop drinking, so I did over 6 months ago.

I figured when I stopped, it would paint the contrast between me and my boyfriend, and it would naturally end. Instead now we're testing the waters on living together (my day to day stuff here but still have my house). I know I'm ignoring the obvious. I can't figure out what's wrong with me. Most people would 180 and end the relationship. I'm too afraid to. And of course, "I love him." I don't want to start over, to not find someone else, to have to tell men that I can't drink, and I have one more baggage item that I don't want to have to tell potential relationships. I'm now in my mid-30s, and the question of whether I want kids or not is hanging over me, and if I decide I do, that window is shutting.

We've only barely discussed his drinking, and if I get honest with myself, that's because I'm afraid I'll push him away if I even ask about it, so I'm biting my tongue....I'm guessing until I'm more entrenched in his life. What a mess.

This is all weighing on me.

Hawkeye13

Hi Texas;

Welcome back and very well done on stopping drinking yourself.

Well, if you've been through it once with an alcoholic you know what you are getting into.

Your "functional" A will (as you know) get down the road by and by to being more and more non-functional and perhaps you will possibly have kids in the mix by then.

You also are trying to maintain sobriety while living with a drinker. That isn't easy and may compromise your own sobriety as well.

So you are right, it's a mess, but you will find your way through it.
You already know a lot more than many people who haven't dealt with alcoholics before and that's an advantage.

It sounds like your next step may be to talk with him about this. What do you think?

TexasAngel8

Thanks. I'm not too worried about me -- I think I quit while the getting was still good. I actually think I kinda owe my ex for the education on alcoholism. Maybe it wouldn't have been so easy to see if I hadn't had those 5 years. So while quitting wasn't easy and it was out of control, I just stopped -- no program, no meetings, no drama, no issues. While I still would love to drink a couple, I want to not get blotto every day more than I want a couple, so I feel good about it.

I know I'm afraid to talk to him about it because either he will say he doesn't need that and end us, or I will be forced into making a decision. So instead I'm playing good girlfriend with a smile on my face. Yes, I know that's ridiculous.

MissFixit

If you are worried that saying something/anything to him might cause him to end your relationship, then there are far broader concerns in your relationship, especially if this man you want to marry and have kids with. Ideally, relationships are built on honesty and trust, not fear and denial.

It sounds like you know the likely outcome for your bf, but don't like it so you are distorting your thinking to make everything okay...but you know its not right. I get it, I did some of that too. Like with most things, honesty is the best policy. If you tell him your concerns about his drinking and he leaves you, guess what, he isn't the great guy you thought.

atalose

Have you thought about some couseling for you? Someone professional who can help you work on you?

It sounds more like you have become content with him and his drinking accepting he is who he is and asking him to change who he is really is not an option.

The fear lies all in you, you would benefit from it greatly!!

And welcome back!! and how great on your stopping drinking.

TexasAngel8

He's said repeatedly that his ex-wife tried to change him (not referring specifically to the drinking, although I'm sure that's got to be a part of it) and that he won't let that happen again. He is definitely set in his ways. And past history shows me telling him my concerns doesn't equal him quitting. Therefore, I can't say anything about it until I am ready to face the fact that he probably won't quit if I say something, and then I'm forced into making a proactive choice instead of hiding from it.

I definitely do life with avoidance and fear. I started with a new therapist, and I think he's going to be fabulous. I've seen him twice, but then he had a vacation and his appointments backed up, so it's 5 weeks in between appts.

Thanks for chatting with me. I've got myself spinning in circles, so this helps.

atalose

Glad you are reaching out for therapy, it's not only important for us to work on us, we deserve it.

MissFixit

This man is doing you a favor by telling you who he is and that he isn't going to change for anyone. You know your concerns don't mean that he will quit. You said he is set in his ways.

When he tells you that he isn't going to change (stop drinking), it would be a good idea to believe him. You wishing he would or hoping he will stop, won't have any effect. Accept who he is today (a drinker who will not stop for anyone) and decide if you want that or not.

CodeJob

Texas, welcome back to SR. I fear you are a double winner honey! But you are aware of your actions - not speaking up for your needs in the relationship, just smiling and not making demands, dismissing your own recovery needs, aware he is set in his ways and unlikely to change so you are bending to his needs bc your biological clock is ringing in your ear - so being aware of your codie actions is definitely on the path to seeing that you can choose to live your own life.

Can you afford to be a single mom? Would sperm donation be cheaper (emotionally too) than getting permanently twisted into this A's life? I suppose he's cute in that brooding A way?

I held off 7 years in my marriage to a functional A before having a child. I woke up one morning and that clock WAS ticking. It was CRAZY. I was on a mission from Earth Mother HP for sure to get knocked up. And if you like brooding dark Irish, oh honey... Of course after I had little critter and A did not "settle down", "mature" or "grow up" I did NOT have any more critters bc I knew at some level H was a functional A. Functional A who had 'stress' of having a 'family to take care of.' Being Job I stuck it out of course and kept my butt in workforce just in case. So glad I did. Blah Blah Lifetime movie....

Next time - TRIP TO IRELAND. RAGING AFFAIR with LOTS OF GUINNESS, SINGING IN PUBS and DRIVING ON THE LEFT.

spiderqueen

Hi Texas,
I think it's entirely possible that you have exchanged drinking for being the codependent partner of a drinker. I wonder if it's a subconscious way for you to stay connected to alcohol and that lifestyle?

I know you didn't need AA when you quit drinking - but you might benefit from Alanon now...

Alanon, and therapy, have been very useful to me. Helped me see that I was losing myself in the drama of my alcoholic ex, and therefore avoiding my own issues, and growth. It's a work in progress....

Welcome back!

Rosiepetal

Can I ask you this?
If you desire to have children would you want them growing up with an alcoholic as a role model?
Therein may lie the answer.

LSC1

If I had found this site 20 years ago when I met my now hubby and father of my children ... I would have recognised the red flags and RAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!