What character traits are active As drawn to?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 47
What character traits are active As drawn to?
As a single non-A, who has drawn an active A too me, I am trying to figure out, what am I doing wrong to have an active A "love" me so much?
I've been given the word co-dependent. Maybe that's it. I'm trying to learn the traits.
The truth is, I was never looking for this. I don't see myself as co-dependent. I WANT a healthy relationship. I don't drink, I've never been to bars. I don't relate. I don't get it. I try to understand it, but it isn't what I desire.
I didn't know anything about alcoholism and didn't recognize it. I had a crush on my ABF, not knowing. Learned that he is smart, kind, warm, loving, caring (so many wonderful things) and then BAM - the reality hits. He really IS an alcoholic.
I sort of feel like a chump along for the ride. I've been warmed up gradually, got sucked in and now REALITY.
If he doesn't want to stop, why didn't he get another A? What was it about me, that made him think I was the one to be put through this? He messes with my mind. I've heard the word "quacking" on here. that's what I've had; quacking. He says he wants to quit, especially for me, for us, etc... words and no action.
He acts receptive one minute, thinks about it, then the next, he tries to take the spotlight off himself and come up with "criticizing" me. He's having a hard time coming up with stuff; mostly silly things. One example: "you're always focusing on the negative". As he drinks in my face, It's considered "nagging" that I can't ignore it.
As I pull away, he reels me back in, with his humor, friendship (the things I love about him). As I pull away, he blames me for not being affectionate; I tell him the truth - it's the drinking. He says, "that's just an excuse".
Do I have a sign on my head, saying, there's a good target? What was it about me? Thanks everyone for the helpful responses on my previous post and for letting me rant today.
I've been given the word co-dependent. Maybe that's it. I'm trying to learn the traits.
The truth is, I was never looking for this. I don't see myself as co-dependent. I WANT a healthy relationship. I don't drink, I've never been to bars. I don't relate. I don't get it. I try to understand it, but it isn't what I desire.
I didn't know anything about alcoholism and didn't recognize it. I had a crush on my ABF, not knowing. Learned that he is smart, kind, warm, loving, caring (so many wonderful things) and then BAM - the reality hits. He really IS an alcoholic.
I sort of feel like a chump along for the ride. I've been warmed up gradually, got sucked in and now REALITY.
If he doesn't want to stop, why didn't he get another A? What was it about me, that made him think I was the one to be put through this? He messes with my mind. I've heard the word "quacking" on here. that's what I've had; quacking. He says he wants to quit, especially for me, for us, etc... words and no action.
He acts receptive one minute, thinks about it, then the next, he tries to take the spotlight off himself and come up with "criticizing" me. He's having a hard time coming up with stuff; mostly silly things. One example: "you're always focusing on the negative". As he drinks in my face, It's considered "nagging" that I can't ignore it.
As I pull away, he reels me back in, with his humor, friendship (the things I love about him). As I pull away, he blames me for not being affectionate; I tell him the truth - it's the drinking. He says, "that's just an excuse".
Do I have a sign on my head, saying, there's a good target? What was it about me? Thanks everyone for the helpful responses on my previous post and for letting me rant today.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Mother types. Check! That's me. But truly...it's a two way street. I'm controlling and I liked that my husband let me call the shots. Kind of like it takes one to know one.
I think people with low self esteem are also more likely to be with alcoholics.
I think people with low self esteem are also more likely to be with alcoholics.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 10
I don't fully understand it, but there probably is some sort of subconscious attraction going on. My old sponsor used to say an addict and a codependent could pick each other out of a stadium full of people, and there might be some truth to that. I think codependency traits are not an either/or but exist more of on a spectrum. And certain people can bring out those traits definitely.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Thats a great question. I didn't know my husband was an A. He wasn't a worry to me until 10-12 years ago. When I first say him I was a new college student sitting in the cafeteria and saw him walk in. He looked confident the way he held himself; he was well put together and dang good looking. I told my cousin who was sitting with him at the time that I was going to marry him. So..great question! I don't have a clue because I wasn't a motherly type. I was very mousy and needy myself. Maybe it was my neediness growing up in such a dysfuntctional home?? I dunno.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Well I am very caring. People seem to notice that. People tend to turn to me, thinking I have the answers (like a counselor). I get friends who "need" me, but they can't be there for me. I have compassion for others, but I do not get satisfaction in seeking out people with problems to solve. I AM the mother type. I have no children, but children are drawn to me and trust me. I grew up in the "ideal" home; no dysfunction. So, I've yearned to find that in a mate, but can't. I was lucky to have such a good childhood; committed parents; no addictions. Yet, I can't find this in the world or in a mate. I miss it.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Do I have a sign on my head, saying, there's a good target?
Basically, yes. I have the same one, so I know. There's a great book I read called Love is a Choice (I found a copy at my library) that explains all the different aspects of codependency and how people with similar "scores" on the codependent scale will be immediately attracted to one another.
You shouldn't take his criticism to heart. The "flaws" he is trying to point out are just him deflecting responsibility for his actions.
As for not wanting to be codependent, the good news is- you can fix yourself before you get sucked into another dysfunctional relationship. Do some reading on the subject of codependency, maybe attend a few Alanon meetings.
I know it's hard to wrap your mind around. I had a tough time with it too. But your old thread where you were so desperate to help this grown man solve all of his problems and take on so much responsibility for his life and in addition felt wracked with guilt about ending a bad relationship, those things all screamed codependency. It's hard to put into a few words, but it's one of those things where once you really see it, you can't "unsee" it.
Take care, and use this opportunity to focus on yourself. Maybe take a break from relationships for awhile.
Basically, yes. I have the same one, so I know. There's a great book I read called Love is a Choice (I found a copy at my library) that explains all the different aspects of codependency and how people with similar "scores" on the codependent scale will be immediately attracted to one another.
You shouldn't take his criticism to heart. The "flaws" he is trying to point out are just him deflecting responsibility for his actions.
As for not wanting to be codependent, the good news is- you can fix yourself before you get sucked into another dysfunctional relationship. Do some reading on the subject of codependency, maybe attend a few Alanon meetings.
I know it's hard to wrap your mind around. I had a tough time with it too. But your old thread where you were so desperate to help this grown man solve all of his problems and take on so much responsibility for his life and in addition felt wracked with guilt about ending a bad relationship, those things all screamed codependency. It's hard to put into a few words, but it's one of those things where once you really see it, you can't "unsee" it.
Take care, and use this opportunity to focus on yourself. Maybe take a break from relationships for awhile.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
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I am going to break from received wisdom here and say that it's NOT your fault. If you had established a pattern of drawing addicts and dysfunction to you, I would say it's fair to look at yourself first. However, this is your first (and hopefully last) time on the merry go round. People fall in love sometimes before the nasty truth comes out. Addicts are especially good at hiding their issues away until we have given them our hearts. Also, most women I know are motherly in the right circumstances. Maybe that's just my circle, but I think sometimes certain types of people draw it out of others. Chicken or egg style.For me, the irony was that my happiest, healthiest relationship where I bloomed as a person, was with my A. I was lucky that he was chasing recovery and so I knew early on and never had to deal with detachment or denial or blame. It would have been a very different story. He was simply a wonderful person who had a problem. So, although I can behave in a codependant way, I never did with him so it wasn't that which attracted him. In fact, he used to say it was my drive and determination that he found attractive (we met at work) so I don't think it's always negative traits that attract addicts.
Just like anyone, alcoholics can be attracted by different things and can be very attractive, kind people. I think the three Cs sort of apply here. Chance happens and people fall in love. It's not always predictable.
That said, if your next guy is also an addict, then I would start getting worried. As it is, you liked a guy who seemed lovely but who had a problem. I wouldn't worry too much about it unless you see traits in yourself that YOU think harm YOU. In which case, change them and move on.
As for not being able to find good men, I hear ya! But I hear they are out there and I reckon we've all got a head start in finding this rare breed because we're learning to spot the red flags faster!
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
I believe Shil is right. There is a difference between a pattern of choosing the wrong men 
<<<finishing up with #3 myself>>> and something that may just be a coincidence.
And, there is also some truth that just because you are a caring, motherly type does not necessarily make you a co-dependent.
I think there are personality traits within us that on a subconscious level get picked up by the other person. We may not even be aware we have them until the "wrong" or in this case "right" person comes along and we have found a match.
Speaking for myself, the traits in me that I see attract A's are stable, responsible, respectful, loving, very giving and patience. However, those alone aren't what makes it work. Nope, it's the qualities below the surface they pick out. They can easily spot I have a high tolerance level for cheating, lying and basic A BS. I have some self-esteem issues and a fear that I won't find anyone who is normal and decent to love me. I put up with more crap than any normal woman would. And, I have a tendency to let these guys do what they want to, in the guise of letting them be who they are, but don't enforce any boundaries to protect myself.
THOSE are the qualities the A hones right in on and THOSE are the ones that will keep attracting them if not taken care of.
<<<finishing up with #3 myself>>> and something that may just be a coincidence.And, there is also some truth that just because you are a caring, motherly type does not necessarily make you a co-dependent.
I think there are personality traits within us that on a subconscious level get picked up by the other person. We may not even be aware we have them until the "wrong" or in this case "right" person comes along and we have found a match.
Speaking for myself, the traits in me that I see attract A's are stable, responsible, respectful, loving, very giving and patience. However, those alone aren't what makes it work. Nope, it's the qualities below the surface they pick out. They can easily spot I have a high tolerance level for cheating, lying and basic A BS. I have some self-esteem issues and a fear that I won't find anyone who is normal and decent to love me. I put up with more crap than any normal woman would. And, I have a tendency to let these guys do what they want to, in the guise of letting them be who they are, but don't enforce any boundaries to protect myself.
THOSE are the qualities the A hones right in on and THOSE are the ones that will keep attracting them if not taken care of.
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I think a good question to ask is "what can I learn from my relationship with an A?" and educate ourselves about addiction to "idiot proof" ourselves for the future.
I had worked with alcoholics and dated alcoholics before marrying one, and I still didn't know what I needed to know to see the red flags. I think after being through an alcoholic relationship, it's hard NOT to focus on only that -- but I think it's all about seeing the red flags. Whether it's excessive drinking or being rude to waiters or speaking trash about their mother.
I had worked with alcoholics and dated alcoholics before marrying one, and I still didn't know what I needed to know to see the red flags. I think after being through an alcoholic relationship, it's hard NOT to focus on only that -- but I think it's all about seeing the red flags. Whether it's excessive drinking or being rude to waiters or speaking trash about their mother.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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According to the book "Women Who Love Too Much", it is the willingness to suffer that draws the alcoholic to the codependent. The codependent and the alcoholic have a tacit agreement: if the Codie suffers for the alcoholic then the alcoholic will love him/her. The book also says that during the first meeting between an addict and codependent the Codie often subtly caretakes/covers up for the addict signaling the safety that the addict so craves. Looking back at the 1st time I met my XABF I see how I sent the message that I was a caretaker.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Well, my aexh likes bossy women. I was an exception... I'm a live and let live person, he wanted to substitute his addictions for an actual life. I never imagined I could change him. ("I think Dad likes having someone to tell him what to do," my daughter commented.)
Ugh, though, I found myself with a serious crush on a male friend who has a drinking problem last year. Obviously that's not what I liked about him... or my ex either. But clearly I'm my own problem here. Sigh.
Ugh, though, I found myself with a serious crush on a male friend who has a drinking problem last year. Obviously that's not what I liked about him... or my ex either. But clearly I'm my own problem here. Sigh.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
In my case I keep asking myself- Which of my traits and beliefs allowed exaf to stick with me?
Maybe for me it's kinda like with cat hair - do I want to know what makes it stick to my coat, or what keeps me from using a lint roller.
Maybe for me it's kinda like with cat hair - do I want to know what makes it stick to my coat, or what keeps me from using a lint roller.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
is it something FAMILIER?
i asked my best friend this awhile ago...she is looking at it in a whole new light...
what was taught by your mom?grandmother?....things to look at..
Have your read any of Melody Beatties books? you may get some insight...
with this question(which is an excellent place to start your 3 A's.....you will learn alot about yourself...this is such a good place to start....
my best friend? she is in a good place where her AWARENESS is hightened, that it tinkles...
i asked my best friend this awhile ago...she is looking at it in a whole new light...
what was taught by your mom?grandmother?....things to look at..
Have your read any of Melody Beatties books? you may get some insight...
with this question(which is an excellent place to start your 3 A's.....you will learn alot about yourself...this is such a good place to start....
my best friend? she is in a good place where her AWARENESS is hightened, that it tinkles...
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
It will be different for many of us in figuring out what happened. We all come from different places, and out As are all different.
I've read 100 books trying to figure this all out (no kidding).
Many As are narcissists...and narcissists unfortunately fall under psychopathic disorders according to the DSM III...so please bear with the title of this book: "Women Who Love Psychopaths". Another book I was reading touted it as fantastic, and I agreed (after I got the nerve to order it).
I've mentioned it before on this forum, but if you can get past the title, it discusses the traits you have that draws them. These are GOOD characteristics, but in some cases, good characteristics gone wild. (Codependency fits in here, but you don't have to be codependent by nature for this to apply.)
It matches up his level of these traits too and discusses the dynamic it creates.
For me, it helped me see that, while I ended up with an A, I could have just as easily drawn in someone even worse by mistake if I didn't have my guard up and understand the red flags. I felt it was spot on and much of it could have been my journal.
I've read 100 books trying to figure this all out (no kidding).
Many As are narcissists...and narcissists unfortunately fall under psychopathic disorders according to the DSM III...so please bear with the title of this book: "Women Who Love Psychopaths". Another book I was reading touted it as fantastic, and I agreed (after I got the nerve to order it).
I've mentioned it before on this forum, but if you can get past the title, it discusses the traits you have that draws them. These are GOOD characteristics, but in some cases, good characteristics gone wild. (Codependency fits in here, but you don't have to be codependent by nature for this to apply.)
It matches up his level of these traits too and discusses the dynamic it creates.
For me, it helped me see that, while I ended up with an A, I could have just as easily drawn in someone even worse by mistake if I didn't have my guard up and understand the red flags. I felt it was spot on and much of it could have been my journal.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by Praying 
It will be different for many of us in figuring out what happened. We all come from different places, and out As are all different.
I've read 100 books trying to figure this all out (no kidding).
Many As are narcissists...and narcissists unfortunately fall under psychopathic disorders according to the DSM III...so please bear with the title of this book: "Women Who Love Psychopaths". Another book I was reading touted it as fantastic, and I agreed (after I got the nerve to order it).
I've mentioned it before on this forum, but if you can get past the title, it discusses the traits you have that draws them. These are GOOD characteristics, but in some cases, good characteristics gone wild. (Codependency fits in here, but you don't have to be codependent by nature for this to apply.)
It matches up his level of these traits too and discusses the dynamic it creates.
For me, it helped me see that, while I ended up with an A, I could have just as easily drawn in someone even worse by mistake if I didn't have my guard up and understand the red flags. I felt it was spot on and much of it could have been my journal.
I've read 100 books trying to figure this all out (no kidding).
Many As are narcissists...and narcissists unfortunately fall under psychopathic disorders according to the DSM III...so please bear with the title of this book: "Women Who Love Psychopaths". Another book I was reading touted it as fantastic, and I agreed (after I got the nerve to order it).
I've mentioned it before on this forum, but if you can get past the title, it discusses the traits you have that draws them. These are GOOD characteristics, but in some cases, good characteristics gone wild. (Codependency fits in here, but you don't have to be codependent by nature for this to apply.)
It matches up his level of these traits too and discusses the dynamic it creates.
For me, it helped me see that, while I ended up with an A, I could have just as easily drawn in someone even worse by mistake if I didn't have my guard up and understand the red flags. I felt it was spot on and much of it could have been my journal.
Actually, I am in a committed relationship with a man totally different than i would have dated before. He is the opposite of a narcissist and I think that makes BIG difference.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
Originally Posted by 9111111
Maybe for me it's kinda like with cat hair - do I want to know what makes it stick to my coat, or what keeps me from using a lint roller.
Thank you for this. Made another step forwards this evening.
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