Stung

I had my weekly counseling appointment today and we talked about a lot of uncomfortable stuff and now I'm kind of feeling like a freak show over here. Is that just a normal part of recovery or did I have some extra special denial going on? It's like I was bred to marry an addict and as much as I don't want that to define me, I feel like all I really know about myself is that my mom is NPD and my husband is an addict so I feel most comfortable being used and abused and doing likewise to others. Freak show, party of 1.

readerbaby71

It is not uncommon at all, regardless of whether you're dealing with addiction/recovery issues. We all feel effed up and like we don't fit in sometimes. It doesn't have to define you. You are so much more than the wife of an addict or the daughter of someone with NPD. You're just in the thick of it right now. When you adjust and become more comfortable with your feelings you'll feel better. xoxoxo

I think you're doing an amazing job on your journey of self-discovery and healing.

Seren

Whoooo boy did I have some uncomfortable days/evenings after counseling. I was going through my divorce at the time, and I truly felt other-worldly for the rest of the day.

I think it's a good thing, though. It always meant progress for me

Stung

Okay, thanks. That makes me feel better.

It's like sometimes I grasp the reality that I didn't accidentally marry an addict and then other times I revert back to thinking that I'm normal and HE is the one with the problem. Today it's very apparent that I may not be addicted to anything but I have a whole slew of issues. Now I feel like my husband's alcoholism is almost a blessing in disguise because I definitely would not have gotten myself into therapy otherwise.

readerbaby71

Girl, I have been in therapy for years and years and only recently realized and accepted my codependent-style caretaking and controlling nature. I've been in recovery for my own addictions in the past too. You'd think I would have figured this out years ago, but no. It's a process. We're always learning.

Stung

I probably should have started therapy years ago! But my BFF has a mom like mine so that makes my mom seem normal to me sometimes (but my therapist recommended that I go check out Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and I'm now hyper aware of how unusual my feelings are compared to normal people.)

It's just such a trip to read about NPD stuff and alcoholism and feel like I'm specifically reading about myself, and it feels like my counselor is a freaking mind reader. I just keep waiting for her to tell me that I don't need to see her anymore. LOL

LifeRecovery

Acutely I feels like freak show party of one around a therapy appointment.....I have been going for years and I still feel this way.

Over the long haul though....SO MUCH BETTER.

Acute discomfort for long term gain has been my experience. Like a post not too long ago about how we don't like to sit with the discomfort, therapy helps me to sit with things I have not desired to feel a long time. It is hard and uncomfortable, but just like the muscle and exercise, the more I use it, the easier it gets.

hopeful4

I have been in and out of therapy, I actually just started w/one who specialized in families dealing w/addiction.

I have come out at times feeling like the most crazy person ever. However, I know that digging into those feelings are getting me more in touch with my true issues, so I know it's good. Therapy won't always make you feel great, but it will make you dig deeper and then help you deal with what you find.

You are a wonderful, articulate, and caring person. Nothing you find about yourself in therapy is going to take away or negate any of the positives in you, never forget that.

Have a blessed day!

FireSprite

Definitely normal. When I started this process it seemed so long, so overwhelming & so uncertain that I was pretty sure I had zero chance of EVER getting my shiznit together.

I couldn't even define what "together" meant for a while because all I saw around me, everywhere I looked, was dysfunction of all kinds. This feeling will pass if you keep working at your therapy & in a year you will be amazed when you look back & see how far you have come!

SoaringSpirits

The freak show happens when you DON'T look at any of this stuff.

Florence

Totally normal. I had some really dark days in there when all this debris was suddenly coming to the surface.

My therapist told me to sleep a lot and really concentrate on comforting myself and doing comforting things on the days I had therapy, and sometimes in the days after. This was part of the healing process -- literally -- in the brain. It also helped to calm my nerves. Sometimes I left there and felt so heavy and defeated.

The "Crap, it's ME!" realizations were another thing entirely. I really had to grieve for all the opportunities lost and take stock for what I was seeing in my FOO and the family I'd created. On the other hand, I eventually felt empowered to make changes in my life. Several times I turned to my therapist and told her I didn't want to live this way, but had no idea what another way looked like. The woman practically rebirthed me there in that office.

I stuck with it and saw it through. I did what she said even if it felt dumb and weird. Eventually it was like the ground shifted under me. Something just changed. It was all at once, and then, once the ground had shifted, there have been hundreds, thousands of changes since. It was huge. Monumental. So gratifying. It very literally changed my life, and by virtue of changing my life, my relationships with everyone from my kids to my exes to my coworkers to strangers. It's huge. I'm grateful I did it.

You're a smart cookie. You got this.

readerbaby71

My best friend has the same kind of mom. I've known her for 25 years and she's still frickin nuts. My friend has learned how to deal (or not deal) with her from going to years of therapy but it's still very difficult sometimes. She told me the book "Toxic Parents" is very good too.

fedup3

I've had the same experience like Florence mentioned. I've been going now for years and every time I go I feel I find something new about me that I didn't know, bad and good. My T calls it peeling back the layers from the dysfunctional FOO to the family I created. When I look back on the state I was in the first time I walked into her office and now, I know I'm healing but I have a ways to go.

xmrscran

Totally normal, almost as normal as your life being so effed up that you drown yourself in alcohol to numb the pain and destroy your life and your relationships with the people that love you. I try to keep that in perspective when I feel like an *******. That I'm not perfect, but that at least I don't drink it away. Sorry you're feeling like a freakshow, you're in good company!

FeelingGreat

Hey Stung, looks like we have enough 'freak shows' on this thread to start a club. I volunteer for secretary.
Seriously, the fact that you're becoming self-aware through therapy is uncomfortable but healthy. In my experience, it's the ones who don't think they need therapy who are really in trouble.

Stung

You guys are the best. I've never felt like such a weirdo and so accepted for feeling like a weirdo. Lol!

EmmyG

Just wanted to say it's really impressive how strong you've become so fast. It's hard to face issues head-on in therapy, so many people give up quickly. You're giving me hope that I can be strong enough to separate. I always let him come back because I just want my perfect little family to be how I planned it would be.

Stung

Emmy, don't give me too much credit. My husband stormed out of our house while he was drunk after being completely out of control and bringing our toddler into his drunken chaos which I recorded on my phone. After the fact, he was in disbelief that he had done the things that I said he had done but because it's recorded there is no way for him to argue what happened. Even since he's been sober when we've fought I've used that recording to remind him of how poorly he's behaved and why he's not here to begin with - it's not like he was only abusing me, an equal foe, but he brought that crap to our kids which is absolutely unacceptable. It's also a good reminder to me that I'm protecting my kids from his verbal and emotional abuse, first and foremost. My kids cannot remove themselves from an abusive home so I need to do everything I can to make sure that there is no abuse in our home period. And for the last two and a half months I've accomplished that…but that's pretty much all I've accomplished.

If I didn't have that recording he probably would have made his way back into our home a day or week later, like the cycle we had been going though for a year before that turning point occurred.

EmmyG

I've thought about recording him so many times! I was always afraid it would make him worse, the shame of it. But really he should have to see it because I have to see it. I've got a toddler too, and the thing that scares me is the idea of the kids getting older and I won't be able to say "daddy's sleeping" or "let's just go to a hotel tonight for fun" because it won't fly.

Stung

I only ever used the memo recorder on my iPhone to record him and had it in my back pocket that time. He didn't know that I was recording him. He was so drunk and so out of control that I think he probably would have snatched my phone and destroyed it that night had he known. I have a few other recordings where he addresses the fact that I'm recording him though and at that point I was recording him to share with our marriage counselor how he really is at home.