mentallynumb

My bf and I have been together for 7 years. We don't have any children but we do have a dog which is my furry child, I dote on him like a real child. Anyways, my bf is an alcoholic. The type of alcoholic where he can go long periods without drinking but whenever he does he drinks everything in sight until he's agressive and/or sick and doesn't remember it the next day. This has been going on for years and I have been reading and studying on codependency as much as possible. There have been many times where I have thought enough is enough I do not want to live like this but then every time I just "forget" about it and life goes on as normal. There have been so many rock bottoms for me and for some reason I am such a pushover I just cannot end it. I am so sick of worrying and dealing with this but for some reason I just can't let go. I don't know if I'm scared of being alone or that my self esteem is so low I believe that I deserve this, but I know I do not want to live like this forever. I just wish I was brave enough to do what I know I need to do. Any suggestions appreciated, just needed to get out my feelings. Thanks for reading.

RollTide

I was in the same situation. It got progressively worse. I had to get out to get away from the madness. I'm thankful that I did.

mentallynumb

Thanks or the comment. I hope some day that I am able to be strong enough to leave before something catastrophic happens. I really don't know why it is so hard for me. There is no excuse.

iamthird

I think you sound very healthy and self aware! I think you know what you need to do already. Alcoholism is progressive. I initially did not understand that but remember that if nothing else. It will get worse not treated, inevitable.

My separated AH was like your BF. He wasnt a daily drinker...binge drinker. So I would rationalize because it wasnt all the time, etc. I understand how easy it is to "forget about it", but the reality is I never did forget about it, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Love yourself more. I know it is so painful. But you have to love yourself more...your happiness is important! We have one life....

SparkleKitty

I was in the same place too, for many years, of being unable to end bad or even unfulfilling relationship out of fear of being alone and not feeling like I was good enough to love, by others or by myself. Is it an option for you to try individual counseling? That is what helped me. After divorcing my first husband I also spent a great deal of time NOT in a relationship as I built a solid relationship with myself for the first time. I relalized I had been spending my life trying to find someone else to validate me, but i set them all up for failure because if I was not good enough for myself, how could I ever be good enough for anyone else?

It was only when I finally got to the point where I accepted and loved myself for exactly who I was that I realized the only relationship I needed to llive a happy and fulfilling life was the one I created with myself.

I am remarried now and finally, at 42, get what it means when someone refers to a healthy relationship.

dandylion

mentallynumb---may I be bold enough to ask if there is a reason that you would not consider seeking the help and support of a therapist? In my experience--a good therapist is like having a "helping friend" accompany you on a difficult journey. Having a good friend on your side--who can show you where the rocks are in the water, makes all the difference!!

dandylion

ukiah77

It does get progressively worse, but you will not notice as much as everyone else because it's in your household and you get used to it. My RAH quit drinking 3 months ago, but he's been an alcoholic for 10 years, in the last couple years it got really bad. It took a really bad night, and an intervention with his parents and I to get him to quit. Not an easy task. They make excuses for everything and convince themselves they don't have a problem. I was getting ready to leave if needed, taking our 3 young daughters with me. Where, I didn't know. I just knew it was becoming a toxic home for our kids. I think he could see it in my eyes that I had one foot out the door and it may have scared him. Although, he told me countless times while he was drunk, that he didn't care if I left. You will know when you hit your bottom, you'll look at him and feel detached, you'll start planning on how you'll leave. Don't put up with abuse in any way, life is too short! You deserve a partner who is willing to be your other half. We all do and we shouldn't settle for anything less. If he won't quit drinking and it gets really bad, there is nothing more you can do to help him, you'll have to decide to just help yourself. That's all we have control of, ourselves. It breaks my heart that alcoholics choose drinking over their loved ones, but it's a sad reality. Surround yourself with support, whether it's friends, counselors, Alanon, don't look to him for support or reassurance, but make it clear to him what you need from him. My RAH always said to me, "What do you want from me?" Um, I just want you to not be drunk all the time! But he didn't get it. He thought I was overreacting to him drinking a few beers (24 pack.) I'm sorry you are going through it, I hated every minute of it. I am hopeful that people CAN change. I wish you the best! Sorry for the rant!

Scott6433

First off I would like to say I am very sorry for what your going through. With that said, I would like to consider myself nearly an expert at this point on the subjects of alcohol, codependency and alcoholic relationships as every one of my past have been all of the above. I have been on both sides. Unless he admits that his drinking is affecting you well then you have nowhere to go but down. This much I can promise. The trickier part however is admitting and addressing your codependency which it sounds like you have so that's a great start. If not addressed this will take chunks from your soul that could take a very long time to repair. As you know you can very easily lose yourself in this. Do you drink/use yourself?

m1k3

For me it was pretty clear. I left when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving.

Your friend,

DG0409

I think the concept of 'hitting bottom' is misleading.

For many of us, it seems more like we spend considerable time living on the bottom and it's not that we finally 'hit bottom'. It's that we get sick of 'bottom' being a continual state of being.

You're braver than you know.

CodeJob

Welcome mentally numb, love your SR handle. I have found SR to be very helpful. People share their souls here and I seem to learn well taking in information in a story format.

My RAH denies that I am codependent. Of course he doesn't like change. But I am desperately fearful of abandonment. I have a pretty hung up idea that a relationship is when I become a barnacle on the boat... detachment helped me scrape myself off the hull. First off my H drank in the garage which is usually either hot or cold. It is not a hip place to live your life. Then I decided I had to start doing what I wanted so I made a real effort to do things. This has helped build my confidence. Lots of reading, SR, Al Anon, and therapy.

Peace and resolve to put yourself first.

Yurt

Wow, this thread has really struck a chord with me, and apparently several others. I am making that phone call to the counselor to set up an appointment during my time off from work in two weeks. I have come to the realization that I need that extra bit of help to make the next step.

NYCDoglvr

Like alcoholics we codependents have extra batches of denial and rationalization. In terms of leaving, it's a hard thing to do, I know. But his drinking will get worse, alcoholism is a progressive disease. Have you thought of Alanon?

Suggest asking yourself if you trust and respect him. In terms of leaving it's a decision we make and get the support to go through it. Of course it's easier to forget to leave, you don't have to make a very difficult choice.

We've all been there........