hopeful4

Well, I went to a new therapist last night who has a specialty in dealing with families with addiction. What a blessing. He taught me I am compartmentalizing who my husband is between two different people, one who is drinking and one who is not. He let me see that I have to realize that person is one in the same. He is not going to be some gem when sober, now or ever and can I live that way? Maybe so, maybe not.

One thing he did for me was validate my fear. He told me that it is my job to be a mother first. That the safety of my children has to always be #1, and that I am not crazy to not just walk away and pray that my kids will stay safe with my husband, who may or may not drive them around drunk if he would get joint custody, which I have been assured he would.

We will be working through this alot more, but it was so good to feel like someone else can understand this and see why I have put up with this for so long and why I have continued to do so.

He let me see that I don't have to rush into decisions and that it's ok to really just not know what I will do tomorrow or the next day. As I have heard on here many times, the Sun will Shine Tomorrow no matter what I decide to do. It will always be a new day.

There was alot more but to hear these things and have my feelings validated by a professional who works with addiction made me feel so much better. I know I don't have to questions my own decisions, but who does not?

My friend has three little boys. She decided to divorce her husband and is staying with her sister. She plans to tell her boys this weekend (they are ages 5-9). She just made that decision and is doing it. She is not even really scared to tell her kids. It just blows me away. I so wish I could make calm decisions and move forward and just know in my heart what is right. One thing she does not have to worry about is the safety of her kids with him, so that changes the dynamic for her.

I don't know, I am just sitting back and taking it all in today. I was glad to hear I am not totally screwing up my kids and that doing my best is ok.

As always, thanks for listening to me ramble on.

unsureoffuture

I appreciate you sharing. I realize I am doing the exact same thing, compartmentalizing him. The sober him and the drunk him. I am going to look into a therapist that specializes in addiction too. I think it would help alot especially with the shared custody once I do go through with the divorce. Wow I wish I could be your friend lol. I have made the decision but struggle with the logistics of telling him. Hang in there, you are not alone!

Lyssy

Good for you!

I really like my T, however she is not specialized in addiction. I really wish that I had known that going in, but it really doesn't matter now. She has helped navigate my path and that really was all I required. I like her as a person. I trust her. But not being able to attend f2f alanon I feel it would have greatly helped me in my own understanding of the situation and circumstances.

I don't "do" counseling/therapy, (r)AH and I saw a marriage counselor years ago (for about 3-4 sessions) and I went to a psychiatrist in dealing with deep, debilitating postpartum depression after two back to back miscarriages – that was also years ago, so finding someone that I could just talk to was such a blessing.

Please continue to share your "discoveries" if you are comfortable doing so. I know I would appreciate it and find it helpful.

lizatola

Hugs and more hugs to you! I have been with my T for nearly 2 years but she is now out of network and I was thinking of finding someone else, too. I'm glad you found someone who was so helpful right from the get-go. You have every right to take your time to take it all in. I, personally, understand your reservations.

Have you spoken with any lawyers? I found one who was pro-homeschooling and who understands my needs and what I'd be dealing with if I were to file. I already know I will be using her in the future if my marriage is to end.

Sending you lots of support and love today! Virtual hugs anyway, through the computer, LOL!

hopeful4

Unsure and Lyssy....I am glad you got something from it, I had hoped someone else would too. I am feeling relieved today.

Unsure...I too wish we could be face to face friends LOL! I often wish that so much on this forum, that we would all be such great friends and it is such a shame that crappy addiction is what has brought us together instead of some wonderful happy thing. Maybe we should start a commune?? HA...Commune of Codependents!

Lyssy...that is interesting, while he does specialize in addiciton, he told me that is just what he would do, help me navigate my decisions in my life and help me weigh what is important to me and how to achieve those goals while keeping in mind I live w/an addict I have not left due to the SAFETY of my kids. That was the sum up after a two hour session. He also diagnosed me w/general anxiety disorder and could tell I had most likely had it since childhood and that my sister and father quite likely have it too. Crazy loves company right...LOL! JUST KIDDING!!!!! Truly, it was a relief to have someone validate my need to continually put my kids first and understand that and tell me it is the right thing to do.

Hope everyone has a peaceful day! I will update with any info that I think would help as I progress.

hopeful4

Hi Liz!

Thank you! I will take those hugs!
Yes, I have been to the attorney who I will use if I file and he has advised me what to be doing in advance, and I am doing all of those things. However, what he also told me is that my AH will with 100% certainty get joint custody. My daughters are not ready to live with their father w/out me just yet. Maybe one day they will, at this point I don't know, and for today, that is ok. There is also the financial aspect of divorce which is huge. We struggle as it is.

Big hugs to you too!

JustAGirl1971

Hopeful, my son's counselor also specializes in addiction. To be honest, in many ways, he's been more helpful to me than my own counselor. That's one of the reasons that I stopped seeing her. Her advice, while great for a normal relationship, did not help in our situation. I haven't found a new counselor yet.

I think most of us are guilty of compartmentalizing. It's a coping mechanism. I started doing it in childhood with my AF. With my STBXAH (I hate typing that it's so long!), I separated/compartmentalized him into three categories: the sweet, loving, fun guy; the sober but abusive guy; and the alcoholic. I think the sober but abusive guy was a result of his own dysfunctional child hood and not a product of the alcoholism (though the alcohol contributed.)

As for the safety of your kids, hopefully you can find a resolution that works for all of you and brings you peace. It is so difficult knowing what the next right thing is.

Katchie

Hopeful,

You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit. Your words have helped me so much and I know others too. You have it inside you to do what you need to do, or not do, when its time, or not time, to do them. Believe in yourself, I do! Now, pointing 2 fingers back at myself...

Catherine628

Thanks for sharing this Hopeful. I had a wonderful counselor in TX who not only specialized in addiction but had been married to an alcoholic. She was a nearly 20 year veteran of Al Anon as well. Having someone who "gets" it is priceless. Living with an alcoholic is hard to describe to someone who has no experience with it. I often feel judged so I rarely talk about it with "normal" people. I love the Codie Commune idea.

hopeful4

Glad to share!

I have already named our commune...CODIE ON THE HILL.....haha!

Lyssy

OMG - can you imagine a commune of codies?? The jokes write themselves. LOL.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. I started tucking away $$, cleaning out closets, copying of important docs, researched places to live, etc. I, now, am SO happy I did. In the beginning to about 6 months I really thought it would work out. Knowing what I have coming, not having to worry about these details is comforting.

if nothing else, you will have a stash for a vacation and your house in order!

allforcnm

Im happy to hear your therapy appointment went well. I worked with a therapist that specialized in addiction medicine also. She was amazing, I have to say it that way because I am still just so grateful for her help. She taught me about addiction, explained what my husband was going through, but mostly she focused on me. Helping me sort through all my baggage, define my goals and work a plan to get there.

I had also got to the point where I was thinking about divorce. Met with an attorney because I need to know how it would all play out as we had an infant son. I was told that because he had never had any legal issues, was a high functioning addict, the burden was on me to prove he wasn't a fit parent. Otherwise he would have generous visitation while my son was an infant, and would end up with joint custody. I was only half afraid of him, was also afraid of the type of woman he might take up with while using drugs; another user... I couldn't imagine that type of situation for my son.

I think it takes time and preparation for any divorce (unless it has to be quick for abusive situations). I think your doing all the right things - surrounding yourself with people who can help you work through all the issues and concerns, the feelings.

Im just so happy it went well for you, and you clicked with the therapist right away.

lizatola

This is what I've been doing. Just finished cleaning off a bookcase yesterday, LOL. I agree with what you said. You can always prepare and then be grateful that you did these things. I made copies of the past 5 years tax statements, birth certs, deeds, etc and left them with a friend close by in her safe. I have my extra cash stashed with my mom in another state and also a small emergency amount with that same friend. It gives me peace of mind knowing that if I was left with nothing, I'd have a few months of expenses put away.

hopeful4

Thank you to everyone. Yes, that is what I am doing, prepare for the worst, hope for the best. I am very realistic in my expectations and have had an attorney consultation. For now I am focusing on my and my girls and trying to enjoy the things that make me happy and not let the things that dont overpower my life.

Hope you all have a blessed day!

readerbaby71

Hopeful, you are always so kind and supportive. I really appreciate you and think you're a very strong, intelligent, capable person. I understand that it must be really hard to leave when your children's safety is at stake. I don't know what I'd do in your situation. You are on a great path though. Just keep going and eventually you'll figure things out.

Much love and hugs to you! xoxoxo

hopeful4

Thank you so much RB, how kind you are! I still don't know what to do either, and am ok with that for today.

I really appreciate all of your support. I was reading on another thread you are going to work on writing, I think you will be a raving success! You are able to articulate things in such a great way.

Just...THANK YOU! You and so many here have helped make me a much stronger and postive person!

Much love and hugs right back!! XOXO

and ps...your avitar photo is my favorite, I too am an avid reader!

JustAGirl1971

Hopeful, I have a friend who had the exact issue you're afraid of happen with her XAH and their dd. The daughter came home from a visit with her father totally traumatized because he'd driven from a family gathering 2 hours away very drunk with her in the car. Daughter was in counseling and told her therapist... who reported it. Long story short but since it was after the fact and there was no proof, basically nothing was done (some bogus parenting and alcohol classes were court ordered.) This was a few years ago. The daughter has refused to get in the car with her father since. My friend did all drop-offs/pick-ups until her daughter was old enough to drive. I only found out about it recently. I'd be lying if I said this doesn't worry me with my daughter, too.

ETA: It almost makes you wish they'd get a DUI so we could show reasonable cause why our children should not ride with the parent.

hopeful4

Yes, my friend who does not drop her daughter off started doing so b/c she found out that her father had taken her "Country Cruising" while drinking. Can you imagine, not even going anywhere, just put your kid in the car w/you while you drive around, wasted. Even though she does not initially drop her DD off w/her AXH if he is suspect at that time, she CANNOT control what happens to her DD when she is there. Her DD will not talk to her about alot of it out of fear and guilt. It's still an awful situation. She just found out a couple weeks ago her DD who is 14 is now dabbling in drugs. It is heartbreaking.

This is hard for me to admit and even think about. Several months ago my car alternator was going out on my way back into town from a day out of town. It was my husband and older daughter at home at the time. My little daughter was at Girl Scouts and I was going to pick her up on my way home. Well, long story short, I called him and told him to meet me at the mechanics b/c I wanted to drop off my car there and I would take him back home and use his car that night to pick up little daughter.

I found all of this out later, my older daughter told me while crying her eyes out about three days later....The mechanic is about 1 mile from my home. When I called my AH to see where he was, he had went to the wrong place. He proceeded to have a cursing fit and drive around erratically. He hit a snowbank w/ the car when he made a U turn. He was apparently flipping off other drivers....WITH MY OLDER DAUGHTER IN THE CAR WITH HIM. Keep in mind, she is 14. He had NO REASON on this earth to put her in the car with him at all, she is old enough to stay home alone for 15 mins and does so all the time. I had been gone all day and had no idea he was drinking, could not believe it had excelled to this point. She had been home but upstairs so when he yelled at her to leave she did not realize he had been drinking. There was nothing I could do b/c I did not find out any of this until it was too late. He had already driven her. Had I been thinking clearly I would have called the police right then, but I did not realize until I got into his car (I always drive when we are together, I ALWAYS drive), and started talking to him and smelling it, that he was drinking. Believe me, that will NEVER happen again. I would call the police in one hot second if he ever pulled a stunt like this again, and he knows it.

I thank the heavenly lord that nothing happened to my daughter that night. Yes, I wish he would get a DUI when he is alone, it would most likely put him in jail b/c he is just getting off of probation now. Sometimes I wish he would just fall off the face of the earth. (No, I am not a danger to my AH, I am not going to smother him in his sleep or anything like that. You won't see me on the next show of Snapped).

Why have I not left him you ask?? Because in this screwed up state, my attorney has advised me with 100% certainty he will get joint custody. Right now, I drive my kids everywhere unless I know with 100% certainty he is sober and has not been drinking. I watch our bank accounts closely b/c he has no cash, so I can see what transactions he makes. I can also tell when he has had even 1 beer b/c he mixes w/Xanax so I always know, always. If I divorce him, I no longer have access to him to know if he has been drinking, his bank account to see it, or anything.

So..there it is folks. The dirty entire story. The entire reason I stay with my AH. The reason I refuse to walk, because my DD just told me the other day she would visit w/her dad if we divorce but does not trust him to stay there for her or her sister. That is all I needed to hear. I WILL protect my kids at any cost. If anything happened to either of them even though it would not be my fault and I know that, I would NEVER forgive myself and don't think I could make it.

Wow, that was hard to write out, but a relief I did. What a life we lead.....






There you have it.

LivingLife4Me

My former attorney told me that I would not get supervised visitation or sole custody as long as my husband was functioning and he has enablers to cover up, lie, and protect his drinking.

In the state I live in, there is also a F***ed up law that states a parent can give alcohol to a minor child, as long as the parent is present...

For all the reasons listed above AND THESE two others I've listed, is why I stay.

Sue

hopeful4

Yup...my attorney said as long as he can show he is actively functioning, has a job and in a program (We attend Celebrate Recovery. I work the program, he attends, there is a difference) that he WILL get joint custody. I live in the good ol boys town. My AH looks like a positive winner to them. Sigh...

I have never heard that about it being legal to give a minor alcohol...good grief what is the world coming to! How stupid!

Thank you for sharing with me Sue, I really appreciate hearing from people who have stayed and left. It helps me when I hear other people stay for the safety of their children also.

God Bless.