Why did I do it?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
Oh Halo. I've thought about this a lot today.
My therapist and some very wise folks here told me the numbness, this dissociation, will be present and I will have to be compassionate with myself. I fight it too much.
I'm so very sorry that you could not have a supportive conversation with your mom. I cannot either. To my parents, it is a very simple flow chart. End relationship, move on, go to work. What's the big deal? Why do you have feelings? What's there to talk about? I've seen a lot of cutting of ties in my family. Maybe that's why I have so desperately sought solid ties. In this case, our respective cases with our ex's?, the bond may have been tight, but I will sadly admit for me that it must not have been as solid or stable as I believed or desperately wanted to believe.
While I am fighting responding to my ex with every molecule, every fiber of my being, I am holding on for dear life, I do notice that while I have all this numb dissociation - this awful sense of emotional emotionlessness, where I forget things, can't concentrate, freaking bad motor coordination today lol - I don't know how much room there would be for any compassion if my ex was talking to me now.
I don't know about you, but I felt like a good portion of the relationship was the wailing wall phase of grief. The wailing just got louder when I left. I just so feel for you and what you're saying. The grief is crushing, and I believe we will get through this, by God.
My therapist and some very wise folks here told me the numbness, this dissociation, will be present and I will have to be compassionate with myself. I fight it too much.
I'm so very sorry that you could not have a supportive conversation with your mom. I cannot either. To my parents, it is a very simple flow chart. End relationship, move on, go to work. What's the big deal? Why do you have feelings? What's there to talk about? I've seen a lot of cutting of ties in my family. Maybe that's why I have so desperately sought solid ties. In this case, our respective cases with our ex's?, the bond may have been tight, but I will sadly admit for me that it must not have been as solid or stable as I believed or desperately wanted to believe.
While I am fighting responding to my ex with every molecule, every fiber of my being, I am holding on for dear life, I do notice that while I have all this numb dissociation - this awful sense of emotional emotionlessness, where I forget things, can't concentrate, freaking bad motor coordination today lol - I don't know how much room there would be for any compassion if my ex was talking to me now.
I don't know about you, but I felt like a good portion of the relationship was the wailing wall phase of grief. The wailing just got louder when I left. I just so feel for you and what you're saying. The grief is crushing, and I believe we will get through this, by God.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
Flipped
"Even if you are not ready for day it cannot always be night. You will be right. That is the hard homerun".
I am so sorry you are in pain. Have compassion for yourself please. You have so much compassion for your ABF give yourself a little too. I'll share with you something my therapist told me when I ranted about my father "why did he abandon us" "why did he do x or y I asked". Her response to me was that people are flawed and we don't always get an answer. I felt a modicum freedom after hearing that statement. He is flawed in a way that prevents him from being fully empathetic person. I am never going to fully understand why my dad or my XABF did what they did and it sucks. I'll keep making mistakes and it sucks but just for today I'm going to try and give myself the attention and care I give the alcoholic in my life. I hope this made sense. Take care of yourself.
"Even if you are not ready for day it cannot always be night. You will be right. That is the hard homerun".
I am so sorry you are in pain. Have compassion for yourself please. You have so much compassion for your ABF give yourself a little too. I'll share with you something my therapist told me when I ranted about my father "why did he abandon us" "why did he do x or y I asked". Her response to me was that people are flawed and we don't always get an answer. I felt a modicum freedom after hearing that statement. He is flawed in a way that prevents him from being fully empathetic person. I am never going to fully understand why my dad or my XABF did what they did and it sucks. I'll keep making mistakes and it sucks but just for today I'm going to try and give myself the attention and care I give the alcoholic in my life. I hope this made sense. Take care of yourself.
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