Katchie

After V-day sh*t hitting the fan and agreeing to separate..Saturday was uneventful as was Sunday because we really didn't speak all that much. Then comes Monday early morning and he rolls over and... well, I hope you get my meaning. Since that moment, he hasn't made an effort to move or even talk about his plans to do so, or plan to speak with the boys about it. He's extra nice; for instance -- coming home from work yesterday he came in and gave me a hug; this morning he kissed me before leaving for work even tho. both times I didn't even look at him for the attention.
I feel like I made a mistake giving in to him in the bedroom. Weak, weak, weak.. Why does everthing have to be such a dang struggle?? Im thinking this was a big mistake and he thinks things are back to normal. I don't want ANOTHER big talk!!

MissFixit

if you agreed to separate, why are you sleeping in the same bed? Mixed messages like that confuse both parties. You are signing up for confusion and pain when you both say one thing and do another. I had a relationship once where we would break up and get back together because we slept together. The cycle continued for a long time until I stopped entering into those situations.

Katchie

Good question.. I guess because I swing between 'this is what I'm doing' and 'what the h*ll am I doing?'.

dandylion

Katchie---I agree that sex can have different meanings for men and women. Women take affection and attention to mean that "everything is alright' Men will take sex to mean that "everything is alright".

Sleeping in the same bed puts you in a vulnerable position---and does send a message that you don't want to send at this time. "I love yous' " whispered in bed do not always translate to loving and responsible behaviors in the light of day. One is easy--the other is hard...

dandylion

LOL,LOL,LOL....I saw an example of this on the Bachelor last night!!!! astounding!!!! He was driving the poor opera singer craaaazy.

MissFixit

Maybe you decide what it is that YOU want. He seems to call most the shots. Money. Separation. Sex. Spending.

Katchie, how can you build up your self esteem?

BoxinRotz

Maybe she loves him deep down inside. He's her husband and she's not dead and it just happened.

Sounds like a good reason for me to let my husband do it even if things weren't great between us.

I'll chalk it up to being human and having a pulse.

FireSprite

That's how it would be for *me* - RAH & I still had sex while we were separated. We weren't dead (as you say ) and weren't fast-tracking to divorce and weren't seeing other people.

I did have to verbalize that sex didn't equal solutions to our problems & didn't mean that everything was hunky-dory & forgiven. Sex can be JUST sex, as long as BOTH parties have that understanding, IMO.

dandylion

Box--yeah, sure. However, love, alone is not enough to protect us from the ravages of alcoholism.

Fact;not rumor. LOL

dandylion

BoxinRotz

There have been times I told hubby to get away from me. And other times, I'm sure he wanted away from me! lol

Love alone doesn't get us through this shìt but damn... like I said, I ain't dead! He's my husband and I'm sure he knows that just because I let him, he doesn't forget about our issues! He's not a fly by night. He's an all night every night who better get his shìt together so he doesn't become a fly by nighter to someone else.

BoxinRotz

I won't fault Katchie for doing her husband.

Katchie

I'm working on building self esteem. I'm not sure how one does that.
I know he's called all of the shots over the years with the exception of a few. I'm taking over the bills..As small as that sounds it's a big step for me. It's been 20 years since that was my responsibility. It's crazy to think how that thought is a little overwhelming. I know I'm capable, I just have fears to conquer. But I will say each step I take gives me a little more strength, which is why I was mad at myself for giving in to him.

ladyscribbler

I've been following your posts for awhile. I've seen what you think you should do. I've seen what your husband says he wants. I've seen you beating yourself up a lot. I haven't contributed to many of the threads because our situations seemed so different, but I've been rooting for you.
You needed that closeness, even for a few minutes. You're not weak, you're human. You're a good person struggling in a tough situation. Being in an alcoholic relationship is a very lonely place to be, especially with all the trust issues you've been having- Money, V-day blowups, etc.
What do YOU want? Don't do anything because you "think you should." The shoulds always get me. I think in part because it almost always involves comparing my life to someone else's.
If you made a mistake, you can fix it. Say "Mr. Katchie, just because I hit that doesn't make everything OK."
Do you have a neutral party in your life to hash stuff over with? Are you keeping a journal? Those things help me when I'm experiencing a lot of inner conflict.
Strength and clarity to you. And no more beating yourself up!

Katchie

this is what I will have to make clear to him so he doesn't think status quo is acceptable.

CodeJob

I'm just jealous seeing as that part of my relationship is nonresponsive. Although I did bring IT up again this morning. In a morning conversation as opposed a night conversation. It still was not well received. I asked for an UPdate. I gave the name of an ED specialist. I turned on the hairdryer and went on with my morning routine. Pretty soon the v-ator will be sitting on the counter too. Then he can have an update of THE talk with our son... Ha Ha Ha!

MissFixit

.

When I need to boost my self esteem, I make a list of goals I would like to accomplish. They can be as simple or elaborate as you want. From I want to go back to school to clean out the back yard. Whatever you want to get done. I pick things that I can do alone or with little assistance from someone else, so the accomplishment can be mine. Then I start with the easy clean out the back yard stuff and start crossing things off my list as I complete them. There is a sense of relief and pride when I cross things off my list. That pride in myself and my abilities translates into self esteem.

Taking on your household books sounds like it is one of those things. You said you have done them before, so I know you will get the hang of it again. In the mean time, you will be learning how to manage personal finances in case you need to do that for yourself one day. That is a good and useful skill to have.

Are you still planning to separate? Have you discussed it?

CodeJob

I would rather read a book all day then exercise. One of my outlets and self esteem builders has been running. It does not come naturally and I really have to work at it. I am never going to be a 'winner' but knowing that and keeping at it has been good to tame Type A perfection aspects of my personality. Also since I have problems letting go, I can be tenacious at my running schedule hoping my little snail feet will at least get faster in time. I walk too as my dog is too old to run...

JustAGirl1971

I know this feeling really well, Katchie. I did that for months. Thought I was past it, but apparently, I'm right there with you! No, not on the sex. We haven't slept in the same bed in a few months, longer since we had sex. But, last night, after he's already moved out, he stopped by to pick up a few more things he left... and stayed to watch a movie with me & the kids? Yes, I know STUPID. It's even worse than what you did in the sense that it included the kids (well two of them, third has not come home yet... is waiting for all of Dad's stuff to be gone.) They are clear that we're divorcing but mixed messages could send false hope or in the case of my boys', false dread!

I'm sorry, Katchie. It's tough Today's a new day and a fresh start for both of us!

Katchie

We rarely have sex either, but that's because I hate drunk sex. At least he was sober Monday morning.

firebolt

Katchie, just wanted to say I'm thinking about you. I wish I had some wise words - hang in there - take care of yourself!

Raider

Good luck friend. Blessings.