Hammer

So dish out the details, girlfriend!

What's THAT like?



yunno, mostly it is all kind of odd, anymore.

Don't even know what to think other than --- hmmmm, something -- this is not really quite right.

Katchie

All I can say is that I really love all of you here.. no where else could I say what's humiliating and everyone relate and get it.
thanks for the humor Hammer.

Hammer

who's joking?

AnvilheadII

ya know.....in a healthy relationship sex does not CHANGE a thing. it is not used as a weapon or a means of gaining control over the other, or to prove anything. any more than a caress, butt pat or hug is a TOOL.

always be suspect of sudden changes in behavior...sudden affection that is not the norm...sudden thoughtfulness. inconsistencies....people over time SHOW us who they are....

redatlanta

Hey things happen……I just hope he made it worth your while .

choublak

Are you still attracted to him? Just wondering.

Katchie

i haven't been in several months, basically since I've been back on SR. A lot of the time I have a hard time looking at him. .that's so sad. He hasn't made a pass at me in ages, especially in the absence if a buzz. He actually kissed me too which I find more personal than the romp. I miss good booze free sloppy kisses. Maybe I was just missing some closeness somewhere.

dandylion

Katchie---I can honestly say that the most lonely I have ever been was in a past marriage.
That made me feel very vulnerable. I knew I had to get out--it was eroding my soul.

I feel for you.

dandylion

Stung

I agree with Anvil. But I'm kind of a prude. My husband is the only person I've ever been with so sex isn't JUST SEX for me. It means something to me and if it means anything other than "I love you so much and I'm so turned on by YOU!!!" then it shouldn't be happening. But that's just me and I already know that's not a popular opinion.

I don't think you did anything wrong or that you were weak. I think you're just seriously in need of affection and love and your hubby is where you normally turn to for that. Old habits die hard. I think it was about two weeks after my husband moved out I was calling him and flirting until I mentally slapped myself because I was sending the way wrong message. But he was being so nice and affectionate and it felt GOOD. We're all just human and want affection but we need to get it from a healthy, non manipulative source.

Mango blast

In my currently somewhat dysfunctional marriage, sex doesn't change a thing. It's closeness that we both need; rare moments of letting down our guard and having a bit of what was good back again. It's not a tool or a weapon. It just is. Sometimes it brings some time of being a little more kind towards each other, sometimes it doesn't. We've been married a long time and I don't read anything more into it. We're both working through a lot on our own right now. Working on things together can come later.

Stung, thanks. I'm kind of a prude too. Sometimes though, it's just "I love you and understand you need me right now", in the non-manipulative way.

changeneeded

Katchie,

I only read so many responses and just stopped, I'm sure there is a lot of good information here for you, however, many times the thread can drift to a debate from all us folks. So... I thought I'd take a chance and jump to respond to your first few remarks.

Most of us here have or are working on our self esteem. We mostly are "peace makers" or just plain ole hate any type of controntation or controversy. Some of us claim to falling in love with an addict... we just couldn't help it, it suddenly happened. That could be true but is doubtful. I've seen many of my friends date or be-friend soon to be addicts and run like he** when they figured out they were hanging with a ticking bomb. They didn't stay to try and dismantle that ticking bomb, like I did.

You will get there when it is time. Stop beating yourself up so much. Small steps can be better for some because it means you won't take steps back. You know the saying 1 step forward, 2 steps back. Most people operate in that manner. However, if we are slow and deliberate about it ... we just might get to where we need to be.

The same thing happened with my AH. We were not in the same room but we did, ahem... meet up one night. I was specific and told him the next day: "you know that didn't change anything, my decision still remains.

You WILL get there. The wonderful people here will help you get there. They will help remind you where you want to be and what you really want. Some of us have been where you are with money, work and the whole shabang. Trust me, you can do this. Just start laying out your "demands" as if you are negociating a contract. Remind yourself... it is already out in the open. You already have the upper hand. You get to decide if this relationship is going to go forward. You get to call the shots. And number 1 will be: ____________ you fill in the blank. It could be that you get so much money a week to spend however you want to spend it and you will open and read all bank statements. You decided, dear friend.

We are here with you and we are pulling for you. And, we know that when we need.. you will do the same.

Be well,

Seren

Hi katchie, I'm sorry for your pain and confusion over all that has happened, but I don't think you are going to be able to be clear with your husband until you are clear with yourself. It sounds like you haven't the faintest idea of what you would like to do, or rather that you are hoping you can stick around and separate the alcoholic from your husband. I wish I could tell you that it were possible to do so. But right now, your husband is an active alcoholic. Is that something you can live with or not?