Allie0721

You know how, or remember when, you just broke up with a love. All you see afterwards are cozy couples everywhere. Hearts, flowers, kisses, holding hands. The works.

Or if you have a miscarriage or cannot conceive...all you see are babies, or pregnant women. You see their little hands and feet waving, hear them cry, see the happy faces of their adoring parents.

These things make you ache for what you don't have.

This is how I feel having an alcoholic daughter. I long for the little girl who was so happy, the artist that was so full of promise, the hugs I never had to ask for. But she is an alcoholic. And all I see are pictures of happy families, proud of their wonderful children. I hear their stories and hear about how much love there is in their family.

I am so jealous. I ache with longing for a sense of normalcy I have not had in years. I try not to be jealous but it comes anyway. I want to be proud of my daughter but she is an alcoholic. She says she is trying but I am almost to the point that I don't care anymore. Sometimes I wish she was not around so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. But I love her anyway -- or at least what she was, and could be again.

What kind of mother thinks these things about their own child...so yes, I am jealous of people who would never think that way.

Oh yes, I am green with envy.

Hammer

Well at least it is good to know what you do not like of the emotions.

For me it is a wife. And I start doing what you are doing -- looking at all the "Sane Moms" at our kids' schools, with the label of looking at what I consider a "Sane Wife."

Feel for you as far as a kid. We have one kid with some risk factors, and I watch the pain my MIL goes through watching her daughter.

At this point if anything less than perfect is going with my wife -- MIL wants to rage at me -- since none of them can take any self-responsibility.

Dunno. You doing Alanon? I see that help a lot of parents (and helped me, too). My MIL refuses to go.

Allie0721

Her Dad, my ex, was an alcoholic...you would think she would have learned from him how not to be. But no, she worshipped him and now she is just as bad as he was if not worse. He is dead now so no bars to be raised (no pun intended). So I hear ya, I was married to an alcoholic. It is rough, and yes, I used to look at all the "sane" husbands the same way.

I am struggling through AlAnon, we are very rural and it is very snowy, so hard to get to a meeting. I am doing them online. How about you?

Is your MIL an enabler? I fear I am, but don't want to be.

Mango blast

(((hugs)))

Allie, sending prayers your way. I'm 50 miles from Alanon and understand about not always being able to make it. Attending in person as much as you're able is important. Online meetings can't fully substitute in-person contact. I hope you don't mind that I also bumped up your other thread here by posting on it. I didn't see it before.

Allie0721

Thanks for answering...I just feel lost most days and panicked on other days. Even when she appears sober I shake with worry. I swear I am about to lose it. I do have a supportive husband and an AA friend I can talk to...and I do. It helps but only time and recovery will heal. I am trying. That's all I can do right now. I do hope to go to a meeting soon -- a real life one.

Hammer

Runs in families . . . there are some genetic factors.

Learning to act and behave AGAINST nature is a Rough Path. THAT is why the Long Term Alcoholic NEEDS a Program.

As far as our situation, I have been in and out of Alanon about 4 years, about the same with SR, here. Now we are very blessed with Alanon, etc. I had been in for about a year and then "dropped out." dumb, dumb, dumb me.

When Mrs. Hammer's crazy crap actually drove us homeless about a year and a half ago . . . (not by money, just by crazy), I went screaming, crying, and praying back to Alanon.

Had not thought about it until just now . . . our house is now about a 1/4 mile from that SAME Alanon / AA meeting house. We can just walk. I guess God does not just answer prayers -- he does it with style.

As far as the MIL -- Enabler does not begin to describe it. When Mrs. Hammer was going Anorexic / Bulimic, MIL would show up with smaller and smaller clothes for Mrs. Hammer telling her how beautiful she was becoming -- "like a model."

I finally "explained" things to MIL, and told her to just keep quiet and WATCH one day when we all went out to dinner. I predicted (yeah, I am codie, too) exactly what Mrs. Hammer would do.

Mrs. Hammer maybe ate about 1/4 of what even the kids ate, and then got up at the end and went to restroom (for about 5 minutes, I even knew the timing), came back wiping her mouth and chewing gum. MIL just scowled at me. But at least she stopped some of the Enabling for a bit.

By the time the crazy episodes were done, and we all wound up homeless at MIL's, I finally got MIL to behave a little -- but Mrs. Hammer got very mad at MIL, while walking around barfing 5 or more times a day, saying "I do not see why everyone is so upset, I feel fine."

Rest of the story short version -- we got back in a real house, Mrs. Hammer went to Rehab, is back up to weight, and MIL is right back to Enabling every dysfunctional thing she can. Since I quit Enabling and am a whole lot less Codie -- MIL yells at me -- "I Hate Your Damn Alanon." Guess MIL used to see both Me and MIL as "partners" on the project (Mrs. Hammer, that is). I guess we were.

As near as I can tell it is likely a guilt thing -- the Mental Illness stuff (behind Mrs. Hammer's addictions) likely comes from MIL's side of the tree.

CodeJob

Hammer, MIL does not care for your "Damn Alanon" bc if you get your act together and walk, Mrs. Hammer might be her responsibility again until she attracts a new paramour.

Somehow Mrs. Hammer caused your family to be homeless? Did she sell the house? Not pay the mortgage? Burn it down? Are you living a postmodern version of "Dallas"?

Allie, I think your thoughts are perfectly normal. Perfectly. Who would not want their child to be free from addiction and fully capable of reaching their best potential? I have wished for a tragedy to deal with my qualifier. It is gruesome, but when one feels trapped the mind will create some escape from reality. It is a cabin fever part of the year where we can get stuck inside with just our whirring minds.

dandylion

Allie--you might want to read the book: "The Lost Years"---surviving a mother and daughter's worst nightmare. You can get it used at a discount on amazon.com.
It is by far the most powerful book that I have read on this subject. As a mother--it will give you comfort and hope.

dandylion

Allie0721

Hammer, thanks for sharing...I feel your pain too. And my daughter's father was not only an enabler, he was a drunken encourager. So sad.

CodeJob, thank you for saying that...I have felt so guilty having those thoughts. An escape from reality is exactly what it is.

Dandylion, I just got the book on my Kindle and will start it tonight...will let you know how it goes!

Thank you all for listening and being here. Tying a knot on the end of my rope and hanging on.

dandylion

Allie0721-----I know how hard this is. It will get easier as time goes along. You need the support of those who have been in your same shoes. It makes a world of difference.

Yes--please give me a book report!!!

dandylion

Allie0721

Well I thought I had it on Kindle but it was a preview only. Not available for purchase even though I clicked on buy. Oh well, the preview was enough to make me want to read the rest. One thing has already popped out at me, when the Mom says that "it was one of the things she used to her advantage. My self doubt helped to fuel her addiction"; when talking about her daughter blaming it all on the mother and the mother bought it. OMG so very true...and it hit close to home. Looking forward to reading the whole book.

KateL

It is truly heartbreaking. Hugs xxx