cricket123

Ok AH took the snowmobile out Sunday by himself and got thrown. He came in an was complaining about a headache and being sore. Well he self medicated(vicatin and rum) and refused to go get checked out. Ok he is old enough to make that decision.

(Bear with me)
Ok my problem now is I know he was drinking before he went out and he could of killed himself. Now I am stressing out because all of a sudden there are reports if people driving drunk and getting killed and injured. Well last night my. 15 yr old had a late night soccer game and because I am working long hours this week I let AH take him. When I went to bed early there was no way I could wondering if I did the right thing not going and driving. I do not know how much he drank or if any or if he was sneaking out to get a drink. Grr

My question is what do I say to my teens two are considered adults. The last time he feel off the wagon and was drinking heavy I said something to them and they went and asked him and he told them I was nuts. When the kids talked to their aunt AH's sister she just told them there is no way he is drinking and I am just causing problems. Which caused problems for me.

Keep in mind we all, NEVER see him drink. This leaves them confused.

I have not said a word to him and don't know if I should or when I could. And what do I say to my kids? I am at a lost.

getthere

Well we never saw my partner drink which is why i refused to go in car with him for months,and also told my daughter to do the same,neither of us drive,but with secret drinking,you just never know.
I would not be letting my kids go in car with a secret drinker,either you bring them or they miss out,sorry ,but you cannot replace your kids.

hopeful4

In this case I would never ever allow him to drive your children. I am sorry, I know that is not what you want to hear. If you are concerend about their wellbeing you cannot allow them to get in the car with someone who may or may not be drunk. You cannot expect a 15 year old to be able to tell if he hides it.

I only allow my AH to drive my children in the morning to school and only in the evenings if I see him and speak with him first, but I can always tell.

Does this cause me stress? You bet. I have to change around work hours, ask for others to take my kids, miss some things, etc. However, if I let one of my children ride with him and he had been drinking I know I could never forgive myself. So I basically operate as a single parent and drive them to everything unless I know for 100% certain there has been no drinking.

Sorry, most likely not what you want to hear but I can only pass what I do in my own life about this issue.

cricket123

Yeah I get that I will have go back to feeling like a single parent. My 15 year old has his 2 older sisters that can help out and he will be 16 soon. But my question is what do I say to the three of them so they understand the problem an why I don't want them to ride with him?

unsureoffuture

Same issues with mine. I only let him take them to school in the morning or in the evenings to practice if I have spoken to him and even then I am worried he may be "sneaking" drinks at their practices. It's a terrible way to live but necessary when you have a closet drinker you cant trust to make the right decision.

getthere

At 15 i would tell him the truth,if you undermine it he will resent not been able to get his dad to drop him off etc,and he needs to know its NOT ok to ride in car with his dad right now.

JustAGirl1971

We just tell them the truth. My AH is preparing to move out. DD14 will be visiting him. I plan to take her/pick her up as much as possible and she will ride with her older brother sometimes, too. We discussed not riding in a car with anyone who we know to be drinking or suspect has been drinking (friend, parent, family member.) I told her I would rather her wake me up in the middle of the night than ride with anyone she suspects has been drinking, her dad included. I also told her that she can call me any time to pick her up from AH.

hopeful4

I tell my children of 8 and 14 the truth. My 14 year old told me she felt very resentful to me because I did not think that she could handle the truth. So, I have told them both. They knew anyways. This way the conversation opened up to me hearing their feelings about it and being able to answer any questions they had. Now, I do say things differently to my 8 year old, but basically the same info. It's a family disease.

cricket123

What I want to know is how to say be careful around your dad because you never know if he is sober, without creating drama. Keep in mind the apron strings are attached firmly and mostly at this point with his sister. (His mom has stepped back the last couple of years but sister is overly involved.)

This is what happens I say something one of my daughters will text her aunt and dad asking about it. The other may text her older cousins about it. Son may stay out of it. Then I get harped on about it and then I am made out to be crazy(his normal thing is I am hormonal, and at one time insisted I was bi polar)

I understand they need to be safe and I plan on addressing it but how do I keep other people who should not be involved out of it?

FeelingGreat

Cricket, can you have a serious talk with the family and also ask them NOT to text the relatives to check? Frankly I find that objectionable as it shows complete lack of respect for you. What business is it of your SIL, who is not living this like you are? If she says anything to you or them, ask her if she wants to take responsibility for the safety of your children?
Could you anticipate the texting to your husband by telling him in advance what you're going to discuss with the children?
It could go something along the lines of: 'because you're drinking in secret I have no way of knowing whether you are DUI. So I'm going to tell the children not to ride with you at any time.'
As for the tactic of making you sound crazy, look up 'gas lighting'.

marie1960

Your sister in law sure seems to have an awful lot of control over your life. You know what needs to happen stop communicating with her, you give her the ammunition to continue this crazy, banter, gossipy, control crap.

If two of your children are of adult age, they certainly are old enough to make their own decisions and choices. While I understand that doesn't lessen the situation, you really are powerless here, as to what others say and do. All you can do is tell them the truth, and as adults they now get to choose.

Protect the 15 year old minor child. Make sure you pick him up or arrange a ride with someone who you trust to be sober. He is also old enough to be told the truth.

Sounds to me like the whole family engages and enjoys pointing fingers at the other guy, why fuel this kind of negative? It's not healthy for you.

I'd be cutting that witch of a sister in law OUT of my life. period.

Be the change, choose not to engage.

Less said the better with these types, eventually they run out of ammo.

hopeful4

I have a sister in law that is very codependent. I have kindly let her know that she is codependent with my husband and that she does not make choices in my life nor how I handle my children. She is a support system for my AH and that is great, but in no way am I obligated to have her run my life or my children's lives in any way. She means well, but she cannot see outside of her codependent box.

I did not hide from my husband that I talk to our kids about him drinking. For him it is a consequence, he created it now he has to deal with it. I really don't care what he thinks about that. I have let my kids know this may make dad mad, but that safety has to be #1 at all times, so dad will have to get over it. I say it kindly and never ever speak ill of him to my kids, I just put the fact out there that will protect them.

I just know that my kids have to know not to get in a car with ANYONE who has been drinking, who includes their father. It is my obligation to protect them and I have to talk to them to do so.

Katchie

Cricket, Im dealing with the same issue and because I need help I've let my AH in the past (recent past but no longer) drive my boys places; they are all teens too. Your children KNOW when he is not straight. My boys knew when I couldn't see it. Kids are SMARTER than we give them credit for. Talk to your kids privately, no one, not even your AH need know you spoke to them because this is a safety issue. Tell them what I told mine -- NO RIDING with dad if you even THINK he MIGHT have been drinking -- PERIOD. But I went a step further, I enlisted the help of a neighbor and a couple of other friends to help me out when I needed it. My kids play basketball and there is always someone willing to help occassionally pickup/drop off. So, I have made sure to NEVER let my AH drive any of us, including myself, anywhere at any time.

Now that he's going to AA sporadically over the last week, he thinks he can resume driving. I told him last night flat out NO. Then he asked me when he could drive them again and I told him I honestly don't know.

Take the bull by the horns and don't let him drive your kids. The problem for us was that he was so good at hiding his drunken azz our first inkling would be when he was behind the wheel -- that is scary stuff!

Your kids will be so happy that you protect them from his driving, mine are.