Woodman123

I am overcome with grief right now... I am watching this disease slowly destroy my wife. I know what I can't control, I know what I need to do... but, it doesn't dull the pain. I've spent alot of energy the last few years being angry, resentful, trying to detach, etc. This is what propels me towards what I know to be the right thing to do for me and my son (and daughter). However, I find myself more and more in a broken emotional state. This is the woman who would have done ANYTHING for me and the kids. She was a fantastic, involved mother, and always supportive wife and had a heart of gold. For some inexplicable reason, she won't face this demon... I simply don't understand it. She knows what she's losing- even possibly her life to this (as has happened to both sides of her parents' families). She looks at me through her drunken stupor, crying, and says "help me"... "I can't go on like this"... this is playing over and over in my head... brings me to my emotional knees.

Many of you wonderful SR friends have offered me many words of encouragement and strength, and I am forever grateful for that. Just a little weak right now, and had to just let it out a bit.

Seren

Hello Woodman, I'm so sorry that your wife continues to spiral into this hell of her own making. I also understand how you feel you have done everything you can do...and you have. Sending her through 6 medically-supervised detoxes! Unfortunately, she is the only one who can decide to work for further recovery.

I wish I had some magic words you could tell her to get her to actually do something for herself. I wish I had those same magic words for my stepson and many other members of my family--but I don't.

If you want to try to get through to her one more time, I certainly understand. I'm sorry this hurts so much. Please come back here and vent and talk as much as you need.

FireSprite

I'm so sorry, I can relate to that feeling, I remember so well how badly it hurt when RAH (then an AH) & I separated. Like Seren, I wish I had magic, healing words for you. (((((HUGS)))))

JustAGirl1971

Woodman, the only thing I can say is this: Sometimes helping those we love is best accomplished by getting out of the way and letting them feel the consequences of their actions. If your kid jumps in the swimming pool with his i-phone in his pocket, he's much more likely to remember to take it out the next time if he has to pay for the next i-phone (or suffer without a phone for a while.) This is no different.

At least that's what I keep telling myself. I'm sorry, Woodman. I know how painful this is

Woodman123

well, conceptually, yes. but VERY different emotionally, of course. For me, I have an unrelenting sense of commitment, loyalty, and perhaps above all else, protecting those I love. Yes, I understand that I have to shift most of my focus/priorities to the kids, but it's just like standing behind a glass wall, watching my AW slowly commit suicide, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I suppose it might be a little easier if she were mean and malicious towards me on a continual basis. Certainly NOT to trivialize those situations that others' experience, but I suppose under those conditions i could better rationalize letting go in my mind. I just see my wife now almost as a helpless child, and my instinct to protect is very strong. That feeling nearly suffocates me.

hopeful4

I am so sorry. Alcoholism is progressive and it certainly sounds as though it is progressing to an alarming place for her. She is saying to you "Help Me" but then doing absolutely nothing to help herself. The only way to pull yourself out of addiction is to do the work yourself. You cannot will it on her.

We are here with you and understanding all you are going through. You are not alone.

ShootingStar1

I am so sorry for your loss, and for your wife's loss.

In some ways, this is worse than a death because it is not final and there is no closure. There is always hope lingering in our souls for our loved one to realize and commit to healing, but we have no power to make that happen.

It is as if we see the heart and soul and being of our beloved now encased in glass that is ever more cloudy. Being forced to watch that slow and inexorable deterioration is almost unbearable.

I think it is the most difficult task of all is to give our loved one over to God's care and relinquish our hope and expectation and inner accountability that we can - and should - fix them.

You are doing what you have to do for yourself and your children. I think that all you can do for your wife now is to tell her that you love her, you believe in her. You can tell her that you believe she has, and always will have the power to choose to heal herself, and you hope deeply that she will choose to exercise that power.

From my own experience, when I left my husband due to his progressing alcoholism, he did, after a year, moderate his drinking significantly. He had been terribly abusive as well and, for me, nearly retirement age after 20 years of marriage, I could not go back and risk his relapse or further abuse. You are not dealing with the abuse, and there is always a chance that she will finally take charge of her life and choose recovery.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

ShootingStar1

JustAGirl1971

I'm sorry, Woodman It is heartbreaking. I wish there were a magic cure to make your AW get sober but we can't do it for her. She has to do it for herself. Maybe switch visuals? Get the child image out of your head because she's not a child and she's not helpless.

I've forgotten, are you in alanon?

ETA: Or, in reference to shooting star's great post above, maybe when you imagine her as a helpless child, imagine placing that helpless child into your God/HP's hands?

fedup3

Woodman, I understand the pain you are going through for I'm going through it as well, ugh. I tried everything I could until it almost did me in physically and mentally. I divorced him almost 3 yrs ago but have never walked away, I'm even his POA seeing this once brillant man can't even figure how to do the simplest of things anymore. Each time I see him he comes closer to the end of his battle with this disease. Does it break my heart, yes, but it never was my battle to fight it was his all along so I will be with him to the end but I will keep my distance so I don't die with him.

Woodman123

well said- thanks!

dandylion

Woodman---I suspect that you have really entered the grieving process. I am sure that you must have been raised with the concept that you could "shoulder anything"...that a man "solves" all problems or makes everything "right" for his family. In other words--control everything that comes your way. I was, too. And, you know what---? that works pretty well in a healthy relationship (with 2 healthy parties). But, for addictions--it is a set-up for stupendous co -dependency.

From where I sit--it looks like she is growing closer to her "bottom". You have done nothing wrong. Alcoholism is the savage, here. You have n o control over the alcoholism---and, neither does she---until the moment she is so miserable that she reaches for recovery.

Here are a few thing that I think can "help" her:

1. a long stint in a GOOD rehab--like Hazelden in Minnesota. DEtox is NOT the same a rehab! The could offer her a chance.
2. No return to the home---living in sober house after rehab. Arrange legal separation.
3. Working a program for the rest of her life. Seriously working---not just an AA meeting here and there.
4. Alanon and personal therapy for you--as if your life depended on it. I kinda does....
5. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the origional plans of how this "ought" to play out and accept the reality of the situation.
6. Consciously refrain from beating yourself to death with guilt.

I believe she can be helped--but, just not the way you and she thought.

Yes, this is the dark part of the night----but, there is a way out of the forest. I truly believe that it is possible for you both to become happy, again.

dandylion

FireSprite

Just because she chooses to drown instead of asking for a life jacket & just because you are choosing to swim to shore rather than die with her doesn't mean you love any less. I still loved my AH very, very much at the point of our separation.

But I had to stop thinking of it in terms of swimming AWAY from him so much as I was swimming TOWARD my DD, standing on the shore. He was an adult making his own decisions & she was a child with this ONE chance at a decent childhood. And when I thought of her facing something similar in her own future & how I would hope she would handle it, it influenced how I made my decisions & drew boundaries to protect us both. It made it easier for me honestly, it removed a lot of guilt when I knew I was truly acting in her best interests.

It hurts, so let it out & give yourself time to acknowledge your sorrow. That's healthy, for sure, so don't deny yourself that emotion. Then pick up & start moving forward, one little baby step at a time.

FlippedRHalo

You're post just broke my heart in half. I so know where you are and it's a traumatizing place to be. Looking through a glass while they slowly commit suicide and not being able to reach them hit home for me like an explosion. It's exactly that and I'm going through the same thing right now. It's been a morning of continuous texts begging me to help and not let go. I feel so helpless and weak. I want to help, God, more than anything I want to, but I don't and I only end up sinking further down while trying.

It's all so damn wrong and so bitterly unfair. I've been through some rough stuff in this lifetime, but this is just that soul searing, unrecoverable, unrelenting pain. It's feels impossible to let go, yet if I don't, I think it's going to kill me.

I wish I had an answer Woodman - for all of us. I guess maybe this is what their addictions feel like. You know it's bad, you know it causes you the worst pain you've ever felt, you know it's going to kill you if you don't get away from it, but cutting it off feels so utterly impossible.

I'm getting to the point that it feels like I'm on the edge of a cliff. Either I'm going over it with him or I'm going to pull that last bit of 'fight for my life' out from somewhere, turn around and run as fast as I can in the other direction and never look back. Problem is, right now at this moment, I'm stuck. I'm just standing there looking, wondering, wishing and too scared to make a move in either direction.

I didn't mean to write a novel there, but I did want to express that I do understand the emotional torrent that you're drowning in right now, that I understand how painful it is to watch your loved one self destruct and that you're not alone with those feelings.

Please hang in there Woodman.

FlippedRHalo

Thank you for that. That just helped me so much and I hope it does for others with children as well.

iwanthappiness

I totally agree with the no return to home policy after rehab. Several months back, I had to gather an "emergency" intervention for my AH. All of his family, close friends and co-workers gathered at our home. Each of them described how much they love him, how alcoholism has affected their relationship, how their relationship will change if they do not seek treatment/ stop drinking (boundaries).

That same evening, my AH attended treatment for 30 days. When he returned, he stayed at a friends house for 2 months. Looking back, 2 months was way too short. I really do believe they need to focus on themselves while you need to focus on yourself for at least a year. BOTH need to heal.....as well as the family.

Unfortunately, AH relapsed again, but he had 18 months of sobriety under his belt. He is currently living in an apartment but things for ALL of us are better this way.

So sorry you are going through this. Prayers to you and your family.

iwanthappiness

oops.....I meant several years back.

SparkleKitty

Sometimes the only option we have is to do what we have to do in order to stop the pain from getting worse, for going on even longer. I feel your heart breaking and I am so sorry.