I've had enough

Old 02-04-2014, 07:18 PM
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I've had enough

I promised myself that the next time he came home drunk, I would divorce him. That time was tonight. Tomorrow he will cry. Tomorrow he will make promises and go to meetings. That will last for a few months. Eventually he will start drinking again. It will escalate. One day he will get pulled over and sent to jail. It's all happened before. Or worse, he won't get pulled over. Instead, he will kill someone while driving drunk.

How do I keep my promise to myself? I can't live like this anymore.
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Old 02-04-2014, 07:23 PM
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I am sorry for your situation.

Maybe think through what steps you need to take. Have you been to al anon, therapy? Do you have family or friends close by?
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Old 02-04-2014, 07:36 PM
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Well, having been divorced, I can tell you it takes more than one night. What if tomorrow you made an appointment for a consultation with a lawyer to explore your options, or thought about what you would need to do for a trial separation? Several small steps can make that giant leap more manageable.
You don't have to tell him anything or make a big ultimatum. Just quietly go about your business. When I left, he didn't know I was going anyplace until two days before- he was on a massive bender the week I was packing and didn't notice anything was going on until he sobered up. I'm gone and he's still drinking, so I'm glad I didn't listen to any of his bs promises.
Hugs and strength to you.
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Old 02-04-2014, 08:20 PM
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It is very difficult to trust people that are addicted to alcohol/drugs. They will look you right in the eye and tell you that they are clean and that they are ready to overcome their addiction and will do whatever they must do in order to stay with you. They will beg for your forgiveness and tell you that they have learned their lesson this time and will never drink/use again. It's a vicious cycle.

I recently left someone addicted to alcohol/drugs, so on some level I can relate to you. It was a short-term relationship and I got out early. I can only imagine the barriers and struggles you face with your husband though. How long have you been married? I'm sure you love him dearly and it's very difficult for you to leave him. It is very challenging to stick with your ultimatum you gave him; stop drinking or I'm divorcing you. I would seek out as much support as possible from family and friends and talk about your decision to divorce him. Maybe with the help of a trusted friend or family member, you will gain the courage to divorce him and move on with your life. I would also suggest to make a list of all of the reasons why you want a divorce and make another list of the benefits you will gain by leaving him.
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Old 02-04-2014, 08:37 PM
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This is a second marriage, been together 15 years, married for six, no kids. I feel sorry for him, but I don't think I love him anymore. I had a great first marriage that produced two wonderful sons. He died in 1996. I know what a good marriage is like, which makes what this one has become all the more painful.
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Old 02-04-2014, 09:46 PM
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So... I'm unclear. You've told him before that you are not happy and he has made promises to change?

I'm asking because before my A always said he would "cut back, slow down or.. " but never said he would quit. I'm just curious what, if anything, what your A has told you.
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Old 02-04-2014, 10:06 PM
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He promises to go to meetings, and he does, and they help...for awhile. Then he starts missing meetings and makes excuses. Next thing you know, he's drunk. He's been through residential rehab programs, and kept up with the after- program, for a while. Same story that I've read here so many times. He's lost jobs, a first wife, and been in jail for DUIs. He's also picked himself up, stayed sober for eight years, became a credentialed math teacher. But the last five years have been a downhill slide. It's a vicious, chronic disease.
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Old 02-05-2014, 08:06 PM
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Pudding, I second Ladyscribbler's advice to break it into small steps.

You made a promise to yourself and I think you need to put careful thought and steady effort to honor it.
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Old 02-06-2014, 10:20 AM
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Sending hugs, Pudding. All you *have* to do right now is breathe. Then decide what it is that you need.

Originally Posted by Pudding4242 View Post
How do I keep my promise to myself? I can't live like this anymore.
Remember why you promised yourself this. Don't look to his promises to change. He's promised it before, right?

I had to keep a very clear picture in my mind about what I wanted my home life to look and feel. After a while, I was able to also see the chaos brought into that by allowing AXH into that picture.
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Old 02-06-2014, 06:26 PM
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I had a whole journal full of notes & promises I wrote myself. But I never left. Why? Because that wasn't what I really wanted. What I really wanted was for him to just stop drinking. I feel your pain and frustration.

I really recommend you try Al-Anon - it helped me to put everything into perspective. I went from telling myself 'I can't live like this anymore' to 'I will be fine whether he's drinking or not.'
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Old 02-06-2014, 06:39 PM
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Pudding I'm sorry for what you're going through and I agree with the posters who have suggested quiet small steps. First up is see a lawyer, then take it from there. Be prepared for promises and tears.
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