handling self-harm threats when you aren't there
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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handling self-harm threats when you aren't there
I have tried to abridge this several times. Basically my girlfriend has gotten alarmingly more aggressive and violent in recent months when drinking. I am now frightened and will handle things by phone, not in person.
I have been hit/beaten with her purse in public, there are places in my own neighborhood at which I am no longer welcome because of her behavior, and she hit me in my nose in response to my saying "I love you with all my heart." I guess it's the physical stuff that has broken me down in every way and made me lose hope for this.
But the backdrop I'm working with is that I know she has attempted suicide three times (10+ years ago before I knew her). She was in a psych ward for an extended stay after that. I still love her and care about her and am worried about dealing with an imminent binge from afar after we break up.
My question really is simple, hopefully. I have just had surprisingly bad luck in my searching. A lot of the archived posts I found are about if you are there in someone's present - maybe I missed some.
The issue is we don't live together - we live a bit of a ways away from each other - approx. 1.5-2 hrs in traffic. I know that's a good thing for me on one level. If she leaves me a voicemail or text about self-harm/suicide, I will have to take it seriously knowing what I know. Based on forum archives, it sounds like I just call 911 and they will route it to the local dept, even if I'm numerous counties away? I have never called 911.
And if I don't know her location (she could be at her mom's, her own apartment, or anywhere - no way for me to know) - there is no way for me to report it, is that right? In that event, I have the phone number of only one relative (her uncle). I don't even know her mom's phone number. Thanks for your help and support in all this.
I have been hit/beaten with her purse in public, there are places in my own neighborhood at which I am no longer welcome because of her behavior, and she hit me in my nose in response to my saying "I love you with all my heart." I guess it's the physical stuff that has broken me down in every way and made me lose hope for this.
But the backdrop I'm working with is that I know she has attempted suicide three times (10+ years ago before I knew her). She was in a psych ward for an extended stay after that. I still love her and care about her and am worried about dealing with an imminent binge from afar after we break up.
My question really is simple, hopefully. I have just had surprisingly bad luck in my searching. A lot of the archived posts I found are about if you are there in someone's present - maybe I missed some.
The issue is we don't live together - we live a bit of a ways away from each other - approx. 1.5-2 hrs in traffic. I know that's a good thing for me on one level. If she leaves me a voicemail or text about self-harm/suicide, I will have to take it seriously knowing what I know. Based on forum archives, it sounds like I just call 911 and they will route it to the local dept, even if I'm numerous counties away? I have never called 911.
And if I don't know her location (she could be at her mom's, her own apartment, or anywhere - no way for me to know) - there is no way for me to report it, is that right? In that event, I have the phone number of only one relative (her uncle). I don't even know her mom's phone number. Thanks for your help and support in all this.
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I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It is hard. And you want to do the right thing.
I think in the situation you're describing, I may call 911 and give them her phone number. I'm assuming she has a cell phone? If that is the case, they may be able to locate her while talking to her if she answers.
Chances are she'll get very upset with you for calling 911 -- I know AXH was always furious, and I've called 911 on one of my kids, too, who threatened suicide. Doesn't make you their favorite person for a while. However, to me, it was about two things: 1) I wanted to make sure that IF they were serious, they got attention (I couldn't live with myself if I blew it off as "oh just another way to create drama" and it was a serious attempt), and 2) I wanted them to know if it WASN'T serious that this will happen every time you contact me and tell me you're going to kill yourself. I will not come running to save you; I will make sure you get professional help.
And again -- I'm very sorry. It's one of those things that's really heart wrenching to have to deal with.
I think in the situation you're describing, I may call 911 and give them her phone number. I'm assuming she has a cell phone? If that is the case, they may be able to locate her while talking to her if she answers.
Chances are she'll get very upset with you for calling 911 -- I know AXH was always furious, and I've called 911 on one of my kids, too, who threatened suicide. Doesn't make you their favorite person for a while. However, to me, it was about two things: 1) I wanted to make sure that IF they were serious, they got attention (I couldn't live with myself if I blew it off as "oh just another way to create drama" and it was a serious attempt), and 2) I wanted them to know if it WASN'T serious that this will happen every time you contact me and tell me you're going to kill yourself. I will not come running to save you; I will make sure you get professional help.
And again -- I'm very sorry. It's one of those things that's really heart wrenching to have to deal with.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Posts: 39,910
I agree with Amy. My daughter used to do that to me and I always called 911. It is a VERY cruel and selfish thing for someone to do to someone they know loves and cares about them.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Hey Blake,
I would recommend you post this same sort of question on Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners under the "Leaving" Forum.
They are truly experts in this domain.
I would recommend you post this same sort of question on Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners under the "Leaving" Forum.
They are truly experts in this domain.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
It is a VERY cruel and selfish thing for someone to do to someone they know loves and cares about them.
To the point where some states recognize suicide threats as a form of domestic violence.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: everett ma
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by blake1989 
I have tried to abridge this several times. Basically my girlfriend has gotten alarmingly more aggressive and violent in recent months when drinking. I am now frightened and will handle things by phone, not in person.
I have been hit/beaten with her purse in public, there are places in my own neighborhood at which I am no longer welcome because of her behavior, and she hit me in my nose in response to my saying "I love you with all my heart." I guess it's the physical stuff that has broken me down in every way and made me lose hope for this.
But the backdrop I'm working with is that I know she has attempted suicide three times (10+ years ago before I knew her). She was in a psych ward for an extended stay after that. I still love her and care about her and am worried about dealing with an imminent binge from afar after we break up.
My question really is simple, hopefully. I have just had surprisingly bad luck in my searching. A lot of the archived posts I found are about if you are there in someone's present - maybe I missed some.
The issue is we don't live together - we live a bit of a ways away from each other - approx. 1.5-2 hrs in traffic. I know that's a good thing for me on one level. If she leaves me a voicemail or text about self-harm/suicide, I will have to take it seriously knowing what I know. Based on forum archives, it sounds like I just call 911 and they will route it to the local dept, even if I'm numerous counties away? I have never called 911.
And if I don't know her location (she could be at her mom's, her own apartment, or anywhere - no way for me to know) - there is no way for me to report it, is that right? In that event, I have the phone number of only one relative (her uncle). I don't even know her mom's phone number. Thanks for your help and support in all this.
I have been hit/beaten with her purse in public, there are places in my own neighborhood at which I am no longer welcome because of her behavior, and she hit me in my nose in response to my saying "I love you with all my heart." I guess it's the physical stuff that has broken me down in every way and made me lose hope for this.
But the backdrop I'm working with is that I know she has attempted suicide three times (10+ years ago before I knew her). She was in a psych ward for an extended stay after that. I still love her and care about her and am worried about dealing with an imminent binge from afar after we break up.
My question really is simple, hopefully. I have just had surprisingly bad luck in my searching. A lot of the archived posts I found are about if you are there in someone's present - maybe I missed some.
The issue is we don't live together - we live a bit of a ways away from each other - approx. 1.5-2 hrs in traffic. I know that's a good thing for me on one level. If she leaves me a voicemail or text about self-harm/suicide, I will have to take it seriously knowing what I know. Based on forum archives, it sounds like I just call 911 and they will route it to the local dept, even if I'm numerous counties away? I have never called 911.
And if I don't know her location (she could be at her mom's, her own apartment, or anywhere - no way for me to know) - there is no way for me to report it, is that right? In that event, I have the phone number of only one relative (her uncle). I don't even know her mom's phone number. Thanks for your help and support in all this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Blake, You can not control if she will commit suicide or not.
But you give her control over you if you let her threats control your actions (being triggered into coming to rescue, not breaking up in fear she might harm herself, staying mute and not reaching out for help to not rock the boat).
I second what the others say, call 911 and let the experts handle the situation.
But you give her control over you if you let her threats control your actions (being triggered into coming to rescue, not breaking up in fear she might harm herself, staying mute and not reaching out for help to not rock the boat).
I second what the others say, call 911 and let the experts handle the situation.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
You have broken up with her right?
Your last thread made it pretty clear that she is dangerous both to you and to herself.
If you aren't seeing her anymore, this may very well be a way to get you to come over so she can try to get you drawn back in. Let 911 deal with her and stay away!!!
Your last thread made it pretty clear that she is dangerous both to you and to herself.
If you aren't seeing her anymore, this may very well be a way to get you to come over so she can try to get you drawn back in. Let 911 deal with her and stay away!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Like Amy says, some states recognize suicide threats as a form of domestic violence. I hope you are able to see how she is manipulating you with implicit threats of self-harm.
But now that I say that, I don't see where she has threatened suicide recently -- or has she? Suicide attempts from 10 years ago don't have much bearing on the present. If she decided to hurt herself it wouldn't be your fault anyway. You need to release yourself of the responsibility to keep an abusive, alcoholic sane a stable (it ain't happening) and find a way to live your life. Are you future-tripping yourself out of breaking up with her with possible suicide threats that haven't happened yet?
I hope you don't mind me being very blunt -- you seemed to appreciate it last time. Take what works and leave the rest.
After all she's done to you, man, and after all you've done to save her feelings at the expense of yours?
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
You do see that right? With suicidal threats, as with alcoholism.
This mess existed before you and will exist after you. You don't have to clean it up. Break up with her. Clean up your own messes. She's going to be just fine in her codie dance with her family two hours away. But how are you going to be? That's what you have control over. That's where your focus should lie. If you can't focus on yourself and have to focus on her, then that's a question I would focus on too. But her? She'll find new enablers.
But now that I say that, I don't see where she has threatened suicide recently -- or has she? Suicide attempts from 10 years ago don't have much bearing on the present. If she decided to hurt herself it wouldn't be your fault anyway. You need to release yourself of the responsibility to keep an abusive, alcoholic sane a stable (it ain't happening) and find a way to live your life. Are you future-tripping yourself out of breaking up with her with possible suicide threats that haven't happened yet?
I hope you don't mind me being very blunt -- you seemed to appreciate it last time. Take what works and leave the rest.
After all she's done to you, man, and after all you've done to save her feelings at the expense of yours?
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
You do see that right? With suicidal threats, as with alcoholism.
This mess existed before you and will exist after you. You don't have to clean it up. Break up with her. Clean up your own messes. She's going to be just fine in her codie dance with her family two hours away. But how are you going to be? That's what you have control over. That's where your focus should lie. If you can't focus on yourself and have to focus on her, then that's a question I would focus on too. But her? She'll find new enablers.
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