blackgnat

Have been lurking forever but I am now at the end of my rope with my son, who is 22 and an alcoholic. I almost can't bear to go into detail, because I am in such pain and chaos.

So many of the posters have been able to leave their alcoholic partners/spouses, but what do I do when it's my child? I can't divorce him. He needs to stand on his own two feet and leave home, but he is also bipolar and we have a very enmeshed relationship (I'm getting therapy so I can learn to detach and not be codependent) and I'm not sure he would survive...

Any and all advice is appreciated.

jayjay1882

The only thing I can suggest is to get to an Al-anon meeting. There is likely one nearby you. There are LOTS of parents of addicts in my group.
Also, maybe you haven't heard of it but there is a book called Co-dependent No More
that you can find at any book store that has been a great help to lots of us.

I'm sure others will be along shortly who have more experience with children.

geno1982

i am the alcohlic child and one of the ways that it was brought to my attention was i was told i had a problem than shown many example how i was an alcohlic than givin soultions. there is no easy way. it hurts and tough love might have to be done. is he off him meds? mybe a intervention

dollydo

Welcome, there are many parents of addicts here. I would suggest that you go to the
stickies at the top of the Family & Friends of Sunstance Abusers and read the one for Parents of Addicts.

Addiction is addiction, whether it be alcohol or illecit drugs.

As for mental health issues, that is common, they generally go hand in hand, What came first? The chicken of the egg? Doesn't really matter.

The key is to work on you, are you attending Alanon meetings, if not, I would suggest that you do so.

Read others posts on this Family & Friends forums, lots of great information at your fingertips.

langkah

My experience raising my Son became increasingly more difficult from age 10, as his drinking and drug use took off.

Lots of trips to school, court, kid jail, adult jail. Dealing with hurt neighbors, weird people he involved himself with, victims of his thefts, battered girlfriends. Giving up on him being able to stay in any school after trying 6 different ones.

Shots fired through the windows, cleaning out the bottles and knives and guns and dope from his room, repairing the damage he did to things, returning the cars he stole, pinning him down when he started swinging, getting handcuffed in my garage while the swat team tore the house up looking for him. Seeing his face on the 6pm tv news, getting pity from coworkers. Standing by his hospital bed as he, very drunk was treated for his wounds by disgusted doctors and nurses. Bitterly regretting it when he again made it back home alive from his adventures. Always being aware how many months left until he turned 18.

In his childhood we sent him to therapists and psychiatrists, placed him on medications, and sent him to expensive treatment programs. We paid for tutors and bailbondsmen and lawyers, we were strict and mellow and tried every approach we ever thought of. We thought his problem was depression, adhd, the wrong crowd, the drugs, being a sociopath, not having hobbies, too much restriction, too little dicipline, on and on. We couldn't lay everything to his alcoholism, it had to be more because it was so goddamn bad.

So yeah, I know what it's like raising an alcoholic child.

Then he decided in jail to get sober in AA before he could legally drink. He became involved with AA, married the girl who had stood by him, graduated the University Summa *** Laude while working weekends and summers, got his Doctorate in law at a top school, selected by his school for awards and many grants and was notified he passed his Bar exams this week. He was asked by 2 of his Professors to join them in a major firm and has been asked to assist on a death penalty appellate case you would remember well. He is a great joy to be around and one of the most inspiring and caring people I know.

He was always simply an alcoholic. He takes nothing at all, needs nothing at all to function but AA to address his problem.

Never give up the hope your Son will become aware that he can live differently, and will do what is entailed to realize his dreams. When he is sober your Son can and will return to you.

SoloMio

Langkah, what a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing.

Blackgnat: Not everyone has stories that dramatic, and not every story has such a good outcome. The message is, we don't know when and if something will intervene that will "click." We can only get out of the way and trust in our loved ones' own path. I second the Al-Anon suggestion. Welcome!

blackgnat

Thanks for the welcome, the info and the sympathetic posts.

I've my share of horror stories, including a 5 day stay in the ICU after he punched me so hard I had a bleed on the brain. STILL took him back after that. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself, as I am also an alcoholic and the home environment is very unhealty and disfunctional. (was sober for 16 years and then returned full force to it 8 years ago. Still trying to figure out THAT one...)

He has been to jail 5 times, dabbled in drugs as well as booze and even after rehabs has taken very little time to return to his self medicating ways. He should be taking Lithium and Respiradol (spelling?) but stopped that about 2 months ago. Yesterday I took him to the ER for an emergency detox and he should be getting out today. This horrendous cycle repeats itself frequently, and the times between episodes are getting shorter.

With the more booze he drinks, the more violent he is becoming. I don't feel safe. Yet that crazy part of me thinks that I'm his MOM-who kicks their child out? COnversely,I truly think it's only a matter of time that his alcoholic rages will result in my death and he probably won't even remember doing it.

As you can see, I need a LOT of help. He DOES want to change and gets very depressed about his future. He isn't working, dropped out at the beginning of 12th grade and is a convicted felon so doesn't think he can get a job. Added to this, he is not insured and owes thousands to the psych facility that he has been to multiple times.

Just can't see a happy ending at all, even though I have exhausted all my resources and am just mentally drained and almost at the end of my rope. I know tough love is called for but I'm so sick of doing this on my own (Dad is not emotionally invested and lives 2000 miles away).

I have a 20 y/old son too, who is a straight arrow, but it's hard for him to live with the both of us. RIght now I am on the wagon, but sometimes the domestic situation sends me straight to the bottle.

I can't see a way out and I don't see my son having a happy ending. I need to get help for him but am paralysed for some reason. I'm waiting for eviction-my house is in foreclosure, so I'm kinda stressed to the extreme.

SOrry to be so all over the place here, but it's hard to present a cohesive picture of my life when there seems to be so many major issues -all negative-raining down on us at present...

Again, thanks for reading and keep that advice coming!

Zoey2011

I am a newcomer, so forgive me if I make unwitting break a rule of the site. I have two children and they are both alcoholics and have been for almost 15 years. My younger son is on the verge of self destruction or suicide. I think going to jail may be the only chance he has to survive, but the system is overburdened and they won't keep him. Our oldest son, 33, lives with us but seems unable to hold a job. He is a binge drinker and about every ten to 14 days Drinks until he is ill. He sells plasma to buy his alcohol.

Sometimes I am so depressed, all I see is a bleak future. It is hard to have any happiness in life, but I get up every morning and go to work. I have tried Al Anon, but did not feel comfortable with only focusing on myself and not on ways to help the addict. I have since learned thats all that one can do.

I know there is no easy answer, each person must find their own way. But, I understand the sadness and feelings of loss of control like some of the other posters.

I just want other parents to know they are not alone.

dollydo

Perhaps if you get yourself into a recovery program, things may begin to fall into place. If you, yourself are just on the wagon, and not in a program, it is kind of hard to expect your son to do differently. You need to set an example, perhaps you both can get into a strong recovery program, work a program together, a buddy system.

Your son inherited the gene to be predisposed to addiction, your actions and enabling do not help him one little bit.

As far as kicking him out...what are the bounderies in your home? Have you made them clear to him? Letting him overstep the bounderies and enabling him are a big part of the problem. He is an adult, why not allow him to become one. Sending him out into the world is a first step. He can find a job, only thing is....he has to look for one....and he never will as long as you keep providing him with a "free" place to live.

Your situation is a difficult one, however, it really does start and end with you. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I am sorry for all your turmoil, however, there are things that you can do to improve the situation, the ball is in your court.

JenK

Hello everyone. I am also new to this forum. I also have an alcopholic son who is 27 years old. He had a bright future. A lovely girlfriend, their own house, a job, and their dog. I won't go into detail but he lost his girlfriend, his house and this past Feb was charged and convicted of drunk driving. At that point he also lost his job. I have propped him up and rescued him so many times I have lost count. He is probably days away from losing his condo and has again dug himself into debt. He is a sensitive kind person and yet one drink and he changes into a stranger. Al Anon has helped but I carry a pain around in my heart that is almost unbearable. The fear of the future almost cripples me.
I should also like to add he wants to get better. has been to rehab twice.. seen counsellors.. gone to meetings.. Nothing works..

Seren

Stepson here.......

My stepson nearly drank himself to death and then turned to crack or anything else he could get his hands on. He became a really scary individual and his father kicked him out of the house (he was 27 at that time).

Verbally abusive phone calls and e-mails began, he started writing bad checks, he's been in and out of jail about 4 or 5 times now...maybe more?

Hubby and I detached.......with love. We tell the young man that we love him when we get the chance, but he will not be allowed back in our home, even as a visitor, unless he has substantial recovery time under his belt.

Our home is peaceful and filled with love. 'Jr.' is surviving on his own, and we do not have to be involved in the daily drama that surrounds his addiction.

I tell you all this because I hope you will know that it is possible to be happy again regardless of whether or not your addicted child is drinking.

Hugs and prayers for you and your child. HG

coffeedrinker

Your son's mental illness and his chemical abuse are very common, as I'm sure you know.

It doesn't matter which is the chicken and which the egg.

The alcoholism must be addressed before real healing can begin to take place.

Playing the "depression card" is not helpful, in my opinion. It is not an excuse to accept bad behaviors, and understanding that he has a disease is not helpful, if it takes you to a place of making excuses for him.

He does need to figure this out for himself.
You do need to do some boundary work. There's a ton of stuff out there, if you want to visit websites, read books, or do therapy.

I hope you can arrest your own alcohol issue.

You are doing some right things.

Go to Al-anon. I think the community will be helpful for you.

And yes, I do have an alcoholic child. I am very hands off, and she knows what I believe, and she knows I am standing at a door of a room she is not yet ready to walk through, but that I'll be there when she is.

Peace....

SnoozyQ

I know this post is from 2011 but what a joy to read and to give us all hope . This is so inspirational . Thank you xx

KateL

I do worry about my eldest. She will often send me abusive texts in the middle of the night.

suncatcher

I am going through this with my 26 year old son. He has been partying hard for the past 6 years and probably longer. He couch surfs between me my ex husband and grandparents as well as friends until he wears out his welcome. He loses jobs and is not motivated to work on his issues but wants to blame everyone else for his misfortune including the president lol. I try to give him advice and shelter but he scoffs at me and just wants to take whatever he can and not work on himself. It is so frustrating. I went through a codependent relationship with an alcoholic boyfriend and was able to detach and move on from that but it is so much harder to detach from your children. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Reading these posts are very helpful as well as al anon.