My story. Advice would be really appreciated.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11
My story. Advice would be really appreciated.
I’ve often looked for place where I may be able to find support and guidance on this issue that has shaped my life and not in a good way so I’m so pleased I found the community here. I’m just seeking advice from people who understand how I feel and the experiences I have gone through. I'm sorry for the length of this but I don't know how else to explain it all.
My father used to be a police man, dedicated to his job but he had a bad upbringing. His home wasn’t wholly loving and his father drank and argued with his mother, his mother being prickly at times too. Throughout his life he has had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. From what I understand, when he met my mother in his mid twenties he wasn’t an alcoholic but had a tendency to drink too much and found nothing wrong with it. Perhaps the stress of his job made this an easy way out.
My childhood was a nice one. He was a supportive father, loving and fun. I became a Daddy’s girl as he always had a way of making me laugh and showing that he cared. He did drink and I had my own word for it but he was never nasty or cruel to me and never let drink impinge on my life.
At around age7, my mother threatened to leave us. I didn’t understand and said I wanted to stay with my father. I was well protected from their unhappiness at that time. My mother stayed – I am almost certain now that this was for my sake. My father had to leave the police for ill health reasons – arthritis etc. I cared for him more times than I can remember.
From that point on, their problems became more apparent to me, perhaps because I was growing up and becoming more aware. My mother would comment on wanting to leave and how nice it would be if we had our own place away from my father. She’d sleep early and stay out of the way, they’d argue and I became much more aware of my father’s drinking. I heard more arguments and he would go every evening for drink. He’d say thing to me like “I’ll get you some sweets if you come” or he’d send me somewhere else in the shop while he bought alcohol. He’d also say things like “don’t let me buy any” in relation to drink, making the problem and responsibility mine.
I grew up in a very unhealthy way from this point. My mother would hide his bank card, there’d be arguments and by the time I reached aged 14, our family was miserable. I overheard my father saying truly horrible things to my mother under the influence of drink and I became very uncomfortable around him. Once day my mother explained that they were getting a divorce and never returned to our home. I didn’t know this but she was suicidal, suffering from severe depression and anxiety and was a deeply troubled woman. She sought help, lived in the country and eventually, after speaking to me, used the money from the divorce to travel to Malaysia for 2 years. This was while I was 14-16 years old. I resented her a little for leaving but that was a normal reaction, I suppose. I wasn’t aware of how bad my father was and how poorly she was. She wrote to me and sent me things and I remained living where my school and friends were – with my father.
I understand that he kept a roof over our heads and tried his level best but I became his crutch. He drank in the excess and became aggressive and unpleasant. His father died and he began seeking a new relationship. He once smashed my phone in a fit of rage, he’d argue with me about my mother and I would return home from school so worried about what I’d find. He’d hide bottles all over the house and spend all night drinking.
He found a new partner and they eventually got married. My mum had returned home and I saw her regularly at this point. We built our relationship back up and her flat felt like a sanctuary to me. They initially had the worst relationship I’ve ever seen. She’s a lovely woman so I never understood this. They’d argue, scream and shout and never ever seemed happy. His drinking was out of control. One evening he fell down the stairs and cracked the wall, he smashed kitchen trays, punched things (never me or my step mum), would shout right in our faces, one became delusional and was speaking gibberish due to what I think was alcohol poisioning. He’d hide glass bottles, he’d make me hide them in nearby skips, he’d say he hadn’t been drinking but I’d sneak upstairs and try his drink and it would be 90% alcohol. He made living in that new house a nightmare. I felt frightened to return home so I’d take the bus that took the longest, I’d feel stressed and on edge 24/7, I’d be blamed for doing the smallest things wrong, blamed for him nearly getting a divorce from my step mum, blamed for causing issues between them, he’d shout at me about my mum calling her names. Sometimes I’d be so uncomfortable that my legs would shake. He told me one day that he was considering suicide. I’d lie in bed hearing him verbally abuse my step mum, shouting and swearing and I’d lie so nervous waiting for him to come up and bother me in his drunken state. I lost most of the respect for my father during this period.
I moved out to Uni (best feeling in the world) and would lie, saying I had summer school or something to avoid coming home at holidays. I did well and enjoyed it but he’d still phone drunk etc. Still, I was away from it and happier than I’d been in a long time.
I passed my degree well and took further professional qualifications living with my best friend. I’d begun to feel worried about returning home after my course had ended and I felt my moods start to become difficult. I centred my life about my pursuit of my chosen career and was absolutely devastated when I failed my course, despite always getting the best grades. This left me in crippling debt and having to return home. This was the worst period of my life.
My father’s drinking had come unmanageable. I’d tried my whole life, begging him, pleading saying that he’d die of it and he was harming himself and upsetting us. But eventually after months of this escalating to him ruining my graduation, cornering me in the kitchen saying he was going to kill himself and eventually it all becoming a daily occurrence, my mental health began to suffer.
He’d always support my financially and if I needed him, in his sober times he’d be there. I said from an early age he was Jekyl and Hyde – nice Dad and nasty Dad. Unfortunately, I saw less of nice Dad at this time. I was suffering with my own issues – unemployed, felt like a failure, in massive debt and with such terrible insecurity. I was looking for a parent to support me, help me and recognise my struggles but he kept complaining to me that I needed to pull myself together (rich coming from him) and everything I did was scrutinised.
I’ve always played the perfect daughter, trying at every turn to never ever make problems and to always do my best and I put my father’s needs above everyone. Our very unhappy life made it impossible for me bring friends over, I would go out and spend most of the time worrying about returning home. I became uncaring almost at one point. I let his words hit me and bounce off and I used to text my step mum every time he’d been drinking etc. I saw no other option and had nobody at all to talk to – I kept it all from my mother and friends.
The last straw was one evening when I’d been to work, I felt awful. I was so low in myself and so worried and pessimistic and he called me on the train and said some horrible things. He called me names, complained about things I’d done and went into a tirade of abuse about my mum. I got off the train at a random stop, called my step mum and told her how I couldn’t cope. I was crying, walking the streets and sent a simple text to my mum asking if I could live with her. She sent a simple reply – of course, come now if you’d like. She always said I could live with her whenever. Why I didn’t go sooner I don’t know.
I sat down and told him I was leaving. I explained I was worried about my mental health etc. I was shaking and crying and he denied everything. He said awful things about my mum, said he “understood as I hadn’t lived with her for a long time” etc. Accepting why I was leaving would have meant accepting his own hand in how bad I felt. He also said “why can’t your mam help you move out” so I ended up phoning removal companies to help me as my mum couldn’t drive. I can’t honestly remember much from this period. I was numb and desperate to leave.
Moving in was simple, my mum showed unwavering support, never pushed me to talk about WHY I’d left my father. My step mum commented that night “what kind of father are you, your daughter is sitting asking for help and you aren’t doing a thing”. That day I realised he’d chosen drink over me. I realised what love was. It isn’t money or saying you’ll be there or providing a car to drive someone about – it is actually being there, providing support and care. Simple.
From this point, I kept everything from my mum, ended up suffering from clinical depression and anxiety. My father made that Xmas day (the first time I’d seen him since I left) unimaginably upsetting and I lay in the dark and listened to him saying such hurtful things. I felt on Boxing Day, a week earlier than planned.
Alone, I went to the doctors and was put my anti depressants, I signed up to a free counselling service and tried so so hard. I have never felt lower in my life. For a year and a half I was in utter turmoil and lost myself, my sense of being sociable, my passion and spark. I was so blank some days, never leaving the house. My mum just cared for me, never pushed or forced me to talk. It is the best decision I ever made to live with her and she has been my saving grace.
Eventually and slowly, things improved – financially, emotionally etc. I made baby steps with the help of counselling etc.I had some really bad days but fought back. I saw my dad little. Eventually, I was able to call sometimes and stayed a couple of times and he kept to a decent behaviour but still got angry and awkward and never seemed to ask how I was except for the superficial question.
Then he got sick. He has been almost diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. He is a shell of the man I knew. He is very very poorly. One day I found the courage to go visit him and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do – I explained all he’d caused and exactly how I felt. I told him all the treatment I’d had and how his behaviour had affected me. He never accepted any of it, he didn’t apologise properly and argued so much back that I picked up my things and left. Our relationship is ruined. I have no respect left and I can’t care enough anymore.
Even though he’s ill and I know it could be very serious, I have tried over the past few months to keep a civil relationship, to talk through my step mum and have visited a couple of times – one night he drank en entire bottle of whisky and stayed up all night. I KNEW nothing had changed. He will never stop even when he knows his liver is rotting. My step mum is now his constant carer.
I called the other week to say hello (I keep trying) and he told me he’d sought help from the addiction service at the hospital. He KNOWS it is a possibility he’ll need a transplant if his liver can’t be treated and KNOWS he’d need to show commitment never to drink again but he said he’d done it all off his own back and because he wanted a way to show us (me, he said) that he hadn’t been drinking and he could, and I quote, turn around and go “ha, you were wrong. I can throw it back in your faces for accusing me”. He is using it as ammunition. I said he should be doing things for himself, to care for himself. But no. He won't accept that because it means accepting he has a problem. He has never addressed the day I came to explain to him what I’d been through and during this telephone call he said he didn’t care about the past and was forgetting about it because he was only interested in the future. I was shaking with anger and sadness on the phone.
So that’s to current day. I’ve told my step mum I am distancing myself. I’ve tried time and time again, for my whole life, to be the best daughter I can but I have only suffered hurt and disappointment. My step mum said “I’m most sad about the loss of your relationship with your dad” – it has all been him. I’ve done nothing but try to be a good daughter and cause no problems. He is an alcoholic and will never accept it. He’s suffering liver failure and still won’t accept it. I respect his choice to go to the addiction service but he’d in denial with why he’s gone there – even though his reasons are sketchy, at least he’s done it. But for my own mental health, I can’t be around him. I know he’s ill but I’ve given him chance after chance and can’t stick around anymore. I’ve told them I was so upset by what was said and my step mum is sticking by him so I’ve pretty much removed myself from them.
I can’t help but worry daily that he’ll die and I’ll feel so guilty. Should I be still trying? Should I as a daughter be putting myself through it all regardless because he may not be around for a prolonged period? I feel stressed and worried and uncomfortable at the thought of visiting and being around him and every encounter ends in my feeling negatively.
Have any of you suffered this decision? I know I shouldn’t be torturing myself and my mum is wonderful, reassuring me that it is due to his actions that I feel this way. How can people say you have to stand by an addict regardless? I've offered support my whole life, even once aged 13 phoning a hypnotist trying to get him help. All I've had is misery. People who say you need to support an addict to get better clearly hasn't been a position like mine because unless an addict is willing to accept they have a problem then are you suppsed to live in misery and put up with it all?
Any advice would be so appreciated. I’m sorry for the length of this but I haven’t really ever spoken to anyone outside my doctor, counsellor and mum about this. Only my mum understands the situation truly so any advice or comments would be amazing. I think I'm just looking for validation or understanding.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
My father used to be a police man, dedicated to his job but he had a bad upbringing. His home wasn’t wholly loving and his father drank and argued with his mother, his mother being prickly at times too. Throughout his life he has had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. From what I understand, when he met my mother in his mid twenties he wasn’t an alcoholic but had a tendency to drink too much and found nothing wrong with it. Perhaps the stress of his job made this an easy way out.
My childhood was a nice one. He was a supportive father, loving and fun. I became a Daddy’s girl as he always had a way of making me laugh and showing that he cared. He did drink and I had my own word for it but he was never nasty or cruel to me and never let drink impinge on my life.
At around age7, my mother threatened to leave us. I didn’t understand and said I wanted to stay with my father. I was well protected from their unhappiness at that time. My mother stayed – I am almost certain now that this was for my sake. My father had to leave the police for ill health reasons – arthritis etc. I cared for him more times than I can remember.
From that point on, their problems became more apparent to me, perhaps because I was growing up and becoming more aware. My mother would comment on wanting to leave and how nice it would be if we had our own place away from my father. She’d sleep early and stay out of the way, they’d argue and I became much more aware of my father’s drinking. I heard more arguments and he would go every evening for drink. He’d say thing to me like “I’ll get you some sweets if you come” or he’d send me somewhere else in the shop while he bought alcohol. He’d also say things like “don’t let me buy any” in relation to drink, making the problem and responsibility mine.
I grew up in a very unhealthy way from this point. My mother would hide his bank card, there’d be arguments and by the time I reached aged 14, our family was miserable. I overheard my father saying truly horrible things to my mother under the influence of drink and I became very uncomfortable around him. Once day my mother explained that they were getting a divorce and never returned to our home. I didn’t know this but she was suicidal, suffering from severe depression and anxiety and was a deeply troubled woman. She sought help, lived in the country and eventually, after speaking to me, used the money from the divorce to travel to Malaysia for 2 years. This was while I was 14-16 years old. I resented her a little for leaving but that was a normal reaction, I suppose. I wasn’t aware of how bad my father was and how poorly she was. She wrote to me and sent me things and I remained living where my school and friends were – with my father.
I understand that he kept a roof over our heads and tried his level best but I became his crutch. He drank in the excess and became aggressive and unpleasant. His father died and he began seeking a new relationship. He once smashed my phone in a fit of rage, he’d argue with me about my mother and I would return home from school so worried about what I’d find. He’d hide bottles all over the house and spend all night drinking.
He found a new partner and they eventually got married. My mum had returned home and I saw her regularly at this point. We built our relationship back up and her flat felt like a sanctuary to me. They initially had the worst relationship I’ve ever seen. She’s a lovely woman so I never understood this. They’d argue, scream and shout and never ever seemed happy. His drinking was out of control. One evening he fell down the stairs and cracked the wall, he smashed kitchen trays, punched things (never me or my step mum), would shout right in our faces, one became delusional and was speaking gibberish due to what I think was alcohol poisioning. He’d hide glass bottles, he’d make me hide them in nearby skips, he’d say he hadn’t been drinking but I’d sneak upstairs and try his drink and it would be 90% alcohol. He made living in that new house a nightmare. I felt frightened to return home so I’d take the bus that took the longest, I’d feel stressed and on edge 24/7, I’d be blamed for doing the smallest things wrong, blamed for him nearly getting a divorce from my step mum, blamed for causing issues between them, he’d shout at me about my mum calling her names. Sometimes I’d be so uncomfortable that my legs would shake. He told me one day that he was considering suicide. I’d lie in bed hearing him verbally abuse my step mum, shouting and swearing and I’d lie so nervous waiting for him to come up and bother me in his drunken state. I lost most of the respect for my father during this period.
I moved out to Uni (best feeling in the world) and would lie, saying I had summer school or something to avoid coming home at holidays. I did well and enjoyed it but he’d still phone drunk etc. Still, I was away from it and happier than I’d been in a long time.
I passed my degree well and took further professional qualifications living with my best friend. I’d begun to feel worried about returning home after my course had ended and I felt my moods start to become difficult. I centred my life about my pursuit of my chosen career and was absolutely devastated when I failed my course, despite always getting the best grades. This left me in crippling debt and having to return home. This was the worst period of my life.
My father’s drinking had come unmanageable. I’d tried my whole life, begging him, pleading saying that he’d die of it and he was harming himself and upsetting us. But eventually after months of this escalating to him ruining my graduation, cornering me in the kitchen saying he was going to kill himself and eventually it all becoming a daily occurrence, my mental health began to suffer.
He’d always support my financially and if I needed him, in his sober times he’d be there. I said from an early age he was Jekyl and Hyde – nice Dad and nasty Dad. Unfortunately, I saw less of nice Dad at this time. I was suffering with my own issues – unemployed, felt like a failure, in massive debt and with such terrible insecurity. I was looking for a parent to support me, help me and recognise my struggles but he kept complaining to me that I needed to pull myself together (rich coming from him) and everything I did was scrutinised.
I’ve always played the perfect daughter, trying at every turn to never ever make problems and to always do my best and I put my father’s needs above everyone. Our very unhappy life made it impossible for me bring friends over, I would go out and spend most of the time worrying about returning home. I became uncaring almost at one point. I let his words hit me and bounce off and I used to text my step mum every time he’d been drinking etc. I saw no other option and had nobody at all to talk to – I kept it all from my mother and friends.
The last straw was one evening when I’d been to work, I felt awful. I was so low in myself and so worried and pessimistic and he called me on the train and said some horrible things. He called me names, complained about things I’d done and went into a tirade of abuse about my mum. I got off the train at a random stop, called my step mum and told her how I couldn’t cope. I was crying, walking the streets and sent a simple text to my mum asking if I could live with her. She sent a simple reply – of course, come now if you’d like. She always said I could live with her whenever. Why I didn’t go sooner I don’t know.
I sat down and told him I was leaving. I explained I was worried about my mental health etc. I was shaking and crying and he denied everything. He said awful things about my mum, said he “understood as I hadn’t lived with her for a long time” etc. Accepting why I was leaving would have meant accepting his own hand in how bad I felt. He also said “why can’t your mam help you move out” so I ended up phoning removal companies to help me as my mum couldn’t drive. I can’t honestly remember much from this period. I was numb and desperate to leave.
Moving in was simple, my mum showed unwavering support, never pushed me to talk about WHY I’d left my father. My step mum commented that night “what kind of father are you, your daughter is sitting asking for help and you aren’t doing a thing”. That day I realised he’d chosen drink over me. I realised what love was. It isn’t money or saying you’ll be there or providing a car to drive someone about – it is actually being there, providing support and care. Simple.
From this point, I kept everything from my mum, ended up suffering from clinical depression and anxiety. My father made that Xmas day (the first time I’d seen him since I left) unimaginably upsetting and I lay in the dark and listened to him saying such hurtful things. I felt on Boxing Day, a week earlier than planned.
Alone, I went to the doctors and was put my anti depressants, I signed up to a free counselling service and tried so so hard. I have never felt lower in my life. For a year and a half I was in utter turmoil and lost myself, my sense of being sociable, my passion and spark. I was so blank some days, never leaving the house. My mum just cared for me, never pushed or forced me to talk. It is the best decision I ever made to live with her and she has been my saving grace.
Eventually and slowly, things improved – financially, emotionally etc. I made baby steps with the help of counselling etc.I had some really bad days but fought back. I saw my dad little. Eventually, I was able to call sometimes and stayed a couple of times and he kept to a decent behaviour but still got angry and awkward and never seemed to ask how I was except for the superficial question.
Then he got sick. He has been almost diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. He is a shell of the man I knew. He is very very poorly. One day I found the courage to go visit him and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do – I explained all he’d caused and exactly how I felt. I told him all the treatment I’d had and how his behaviour had affected me. He never accepted any of it, he didn’t apologise properly and argued so much back that I picked up my things and left. Our relationship is ruined. I have no respect left and I can’t care enough anymore.
Even though he’s ill and I know it could be very serious, I have tried over the past few months to keep a civil relationship, to talk through my step mum and have visited a couple of times – one night he drank en entire bottle of whisky and stayed up all night. I KNEW nothing had changed. He will never stop even when he knows his liver is rotting. My step mum is now his constant carer.
I called the other week to say hello (I keep trying) and he told me he’d sought help from the addiction service at the hospital. He KNOWS it is a possibility he’ll need a transplant if his liver can’t be treated and KNOWS he’d need to show commitment never to drink again but he said he’d done it all off his own back and because he wanted a way to show us (me, he said) that he hadn’t been drinking and he could, and I quote, turn around and go “ha, you were wrong. I can throw it back in your faces for accusing me”. He is using it as ammunition. I said he should be doing things for himself, to care for himself. But no. He won't accept that because it means accepting he has a problem. He has never addressed the day I came to explain to him what I’d been through and during this telephone call he said he didn’t care about the past and was forgetting about it because he was only interested in the future. I was shaking with anger and sadness on the phone.
So that’s to current day. I’ve told my step mum I am distancing myself. I’ve tried time and time again, for my whole life, to be the best daughter I can but I have only suffered hurt and disappointment. My step mum said “I’m most sad about the loss of your relationship with your dad” – it has all been him. I’ve done nothing but try to be a good daughter and cause no problems. He is an alcoholic and will never accept it. He’s suffering liver failure and still won’t accept it. I respect his choice to go to the addiction service but he’d in denial with why he’s gone there – even though his reasons are sketchy, at least he’s done it. But for my own mental health, I can’t be around him. I know he’s ill but I’ve given him chance after chance and can’t stick around anymore. I’ve told them I was so upset by what was said and my step mum is sticking by him so I’ve pretty much removed myself from them.
I can’t help but worry daily that he’ll die and I’ll feel so guilty. Should I be still trying? Should I as a daughter be putting myself through it all regardless because he may not be around for a prolonged period? I feel stressed and worried and uncomfortable at the thought of visiting and being around him and every encounter ends in my feeling negatively.
Have any of you suffered this decision? I know I shouldn’t be torturing myself and my mum is wonderful, reassuring me that it is due to his actions that I feel this way. How can people say you have to stand by an addict regardless? I've offered support my whole life, even once aged 13 phoning a hypnotist trying to get him help. All I've had is misery. People who say you need to support an addict to get better clearly hasn't been a position like mine because unless an addict is willing to accept they have a problem then are you suppsed to live in misery and put up with it all?
Any advice would be so appreciated. I’m sorry for the length of this but I haven’t really ever spoken to anyone outside my doctor, counsellor and mum about this. Only my mum understands the situation truly so any advice or comments would be amazing. I think I'm just looking for validation or understanding.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
We talk a lot about the Three C's here: You didn't cause this, you can't control this, and you can't cure it.
I'm divorcing an alcoholic husband because he couldn't get and stay on the wagon, and when he was sober, he couldn't let go of all the bad behaviors he had as an alcoholic. Additionally, the trauma and stress of living with him during his active addiction were too much for me to handle. Some of us walk away from alcoholic relationships with full blown PTSD. It's not uncommon, and it also happens to be very treatable.
Please hang out here and ask questions and learn! This is a very, very active online community and there is so much wisdom and experience here. Sometimes you will hear things you don't want to hear, but such is life.
I'm divorcing an alcoholic husband because he couldn't get and stay on the wagon, and when he was sober, he couldn't let go of all the bad behaviors he had as an alcoholic. Additionally, the trauma and stress of living with him during his active addiction were too much for me to handle. Some of us walk away from alcoholic relationships with full blown PTSD. It's not uncommon, and it also happens to be very treatable.
Please hang out here and ask questions and learn! This is a very, very active online community and there is so much wisdom and experience here. Sometimes you will hear things you don't want to hear, but such is life.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Good Morning. What a tragic post. I can read the hurt and dispair....and fear..in your post. There are times one has to accept an addict does not have a bottom. For some their only bottom is death. It sounds like he was given lots of opportunities for recovery but instead has chosen to continue to drink (even on the brink of such illness). What a shame.
The 3 C's are correct for you. One of the reasons a person needs a program is not just the program itself. You are also encouraged to have a sponsor. He himself has chosen alcoholism and denied recovery. I cannot imagine all you have went through or all your step mom deals with in being his care giver.
You were exposed to tragic things you did not deserve. You have had hurtful words hurled at you that you did not and do not deserve. While you can grieve for someone and the life they have lost, please do not transfer that blame to yourself, you are the victim. You did nothing to contribute to his illness nor could you have ever made him get well. Those that choose recovery have to do so for themselves or they always relapse or just hide it all.
I am so sorry. I welcome you to SR. Post anytime, we will walk this with you.
The 3 C's are correct for you. One of the reasons a person needs a program is not just the program itself. You are also encouraged to have a sponsor. He himself has chosen alcoholism and denied recovery. I cannot imagine all you have went through or all your step mom deals with in being his care giver.
You were exposed to tragic things you did not deserve. You have had hurtful words hurled at you that you did not and do not deserve. While you can grieve for someone and the life they have lost, please do not transfer that blame to yourself, you are the victim. You did nothing to contribute to his illness nor could you have ever made him get well. Those that choose recovery have to do so for themselves or they always relapse or just hide it all.
I am so sorry. I welcome you to SR. Post anytime, we will walk this with you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I can’t help but worry daily that he’ll die and I’ll feel so guilty. Should I be still trying? Should I as a daughter be putting myself through it all regardless because he may not be around for a prolonged period?
The oldest of them chose to not have a relationship with him at all. As soon as he was allowed to by law, he cut all ties with his father. When he tried to give his father a chance to reconnect, the result was pretty much what you describe -- no remorse, just more garbage.
Addiction is hell. It really turns human beings into zombies. Removes the person they were and replaces it with The Addiction that runs everything. Like you said. He chose the bottle over you a long time ago.
It was very difficult for me to accept that I could not help my husband. Like your father, he was a loving, sweet, brilliant man once. I saw him fall apart, like you saw your father fall apart. I left him. Like you left your father. And like you, I've felt terrible guilt over it. But in a way, I imagine those feelings may be worse when it's a parent. Because we're taught to love and respect our parents no matter what.
All due respect -- I think that's horsefeathers. Parents, people we are married to, people we are related to -- they don't automatically get a free pass to treat us like garbage just because of the relationship we have.
It is obvious that you love your father, despite all of this. You are the adult in your relationship. You were wise enough to remove yourself when being with him was threatening your very life and sanity. YOU HAD EVERY RIGHT TO DO THAT.
Your father is an adult.
He is not your child.
He is responsible for his actions, his behavior, his drinking, the situation he is in today.
One thing that was terribly hard for me to accept is that adults don't have responsibility for other adults. That I couldn't abandon my husband. You can't abandon your father. "Abandon" (which is what we feel guilt over) suggests that we are leaving a vulnerable person in dire straits when we could have helped them get out of the dire straits. In reality, when we're dealing with addiction, there is nothing we can do to get them out of where they are. Except maybe get out of the way.
Addicts are not monsters. Addiction is the monster. Someone here told me that it's possible to have compassion from a distance. You don't have to expose yourself to the mental, emotional, and physical danger an addict can pose in order to have compassion.
I like your definition of love. It's not about a feeling -- it's about being there when someone needs you. Right now, I think you need to love yourself. Be there for yourself. It's OK to do that. And ask yourself what YOU need? If you need to be by your father's bedside in order to be able to live with yourself -- do it. If you need to not go anywhere near him because it drags you down into depression? Don't go near him.
There are no right answers here. As long as you remember that you are not responsible for him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11
Thank you so much for all of your thoughtful replies. I have to admit, I had a few tears. You all understand and that's such a really helpful thing when it feels like you're very much alone and confused. I know I'm not but it is finding people who appreciate the difficulties. People can try to be supportive and that's lovely but when they say things, you can't help but feel they're just saying what you want to hear.
Thank you for your advice and sincerity. I'm so grateful and will listen to your wise words.
It is heartbreaking to know others have gone through the lows I have and I can only imagine it is even more gut wrenching when children are involved, which is why I have all the respect for my mother's choices, even if they were rash and cut her off from me for a long time. I may not have had a mother if she didn't make that break and, for her strength, I am grateful even if it did cause me pain at the time.
What is most difficult and what you touched on, lillamy - he was once a very very loving father. He can be a lovely human being but he also has a severly destructive nature and his problems became mine. I felt like he was my child, like I was responsible for him completely and couldn't remove myself because I was so young and he was so needy. He made everything my issue too and at the age I was when it was worst - 14 till 20, I should have had head space and time to figure MYSELF out and grow and make my own mistakes
Instead, I aimed to be the PERFECT daughter, to just not make anything worse or add to the already existing issues
I was so consumed with the worry and thoughts of how miserable I was at home and how poorly he was and what would happen next and how I wished things were different that I ended up exhausted and troubled. Leaving was the BEST decision I ever made
I just struggle with thinking I'm wrong for putting so much distance there and for not just putting up with things for the sake of a very ill man. I just know that I keep trying and making SMALL gestures like calling up to say hello or going for a visit and even they upset me or make me feel uncomfortable
Now I'm removed from that environment on a day to day basis, it is very difficult to understand why I ever put up with it for so long in the first place and even more difficult to see that atmosphere and bad treatment from a position of being removed - it is so WRONG and I feel for my step mum - she once said "i made my choices" and she is stuck in that house. Her standing by him is admirable but I've put up with it my whole life, I fear this will really cause damage to her when she realises (if ever) what a "normal" "peaceful" "basic" life is. It is a revelation when you realise you only need the most simple existence free of all that crap to be able to breathe.
Thank you all again
Thank you for your advice and sincerity. I'm so grateful and will listen to your wise words.
It is heartbreaking to know others have gone through the lows I have and I can only imagine it is even more gut wrenching when children are involved, which is why I have all the respect for my mother's choices, even if they were rash and cut her off from me for a long time. I may not have had a mother if she didn't make that break and, for her strength, I am grateful even if it did cause me pain at the time.
What is most difficult and what you touched on, lillamy - he was once a very very loving father. He can be a lovely human being but he also has a severly destructive nature and his problems became mine. I felt like he was my child, like I was responsible for him completely and couldn't remove myself because I was so young and he was so needy. He made everything my issue too and at the age I was when it was worst - 14 till 20, I should have had head space and time to figure MYSELF out and grow and make my own mistakes
Instead, I aimed to be the PERFECT daughter, to just not make anything worse or add to the already existing issues
I was so consumed with the worry and thoughts of how miserable I was at home and how poorly he was and what would happen next and how I wished things were different that I ended up exhausted and troubled. Leaving was the BEST decision I ever made
I just struggle with thinking I'm wrong for putting so much distance there and for not just putting up with things for the sake of a very ill man. I just know that I keep trying and making SMALL gestures like calling up to say hello or going for a visit and even they upset me or make me feel uncomfortable
Now I'm removed from that environment on a day to day basis, it is very difficult to understand why I ever put up with it for so long in the first place and even more difficult to see that atmosphere and bad treatment from a position of being removed - it is so WRONG and I feel for my step mum - she once said "i made my choices" and she is stuck in that house. Her standing by him is admirable but I've put up with it my whole life, I fear this will really cause damage to her when she realises (if ever) what a "normal" "peaceful" "basic" life is. It is a revelation when you realise you only need the most simple existence free of all that crap to be able to breathe.
Thank you all again
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Just because he is not that same person now, do not let it rob you of the good memories you did have. You cannot turn him back into that same person, but that was a time of your life that you had joy and it cannot be taken away.
You cannot change this for your step mum either. She has made a choice to stay in this relationship with him, for the right or the wrong. It is her decision and she does not have to make this one. The only person you can control is you.
I say this alot. You cannot control someone else's actions, only your own reactions. You did the right thing in removing yourself from that environment. You broke the chain.
Hugs. Keep posting, you are not alone!
You cannot change this for your step mum either. She has made a choice to stay in this relationship with him, for the right or the wrong. It is her decision and she does not have to make this one. The only person you can control is you.
I say this alot. You cannot control someone else's actions, only your own reactions. You did the right thing in removing yourself from that environment. You broke the chain.
Hugs. Keep posting, you are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
He made everything my issue too and at the age I was when it was worst - 14 till 20, I should have had head space and time to figure MYSELF out and grow and make my own mistakes
There is a book called "Perfect Daughters" -- I thought of it when you said that's what you tried to be. It's by Robert Ackerman and has the subtitle "Adult Daughters of Alcoholics." It's on my bookshelf but I haven't read it -- so I don't know whether to recommend it. You can read the introduction on Amazon and see what you think? Perfect Daughters (Revised Edition): Adult Daughters of Alcoholics: Robert Ackerman: 9781558749528: Amazon.com: Books
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Welcome and hugs, Bothsidesnow. Thank you for sharing your story...I suppose it was a difficult thing to do, but hopefully it brought you some relief. I am certain your story will help someone else.
Since you asked for advice...I say take a page from your mother's book...take time to take care of and focus on yourself and only yourself, and be gentle with yourself. It seems as though your mother has really worked through some of the issues you both lived with in dealing with your father, took the time to take care of and address her own needs, and is now able to help you through it all.
It sounds as though you have sacrificed a lot of yourself trying to be there for your father. It is okay to walk away now...it could be for a few weeks, months, or even years...whatever you need to rebuild what you have lost in yourself. Only you will know if you are ready to see your father again, but as you said, you can call him...you could send him a letter or a card if you just want him to know that you think of him...those may be ways to express your love without putting yourself in danger of being harmed, be it emotionally or mentally.
Have you ever been to AlAnon? There are many Adult Children meetings where you would find others that have similar experiences. AlAnon has helped me to find peace, calm, and strength. Our stories are very different, but I think you again for sharing yours. Glad you found this place.
Since you asked for advice...I say take a page from your mother's book...take time to take care of and focus on yourself and only yourself, and be gentle with yourself. It seems as though your mother has really worked through some of the issues you both lived with in dealing with your father, took the time to take care of and address her own needs, and is now able to help you through it all.
It sounds as though you have sacrificed a lot of yourself trying to be there for your father. It is okay to walk away now...it could be for a few weeks, months, or even years...whatever you need to rebuild what you have lost in yourself. Only you will know if you are ready to see your father again, but as you said, you can call him...you could send him a letter or a card if you just want him to know that you think of him...those may be ways to express your love without putting yourself in danger of being harmed, be it emotionally or mentally.
Have you ever been to AlAnon? There are many Adult Children meetings where you would find others that have similar experiences. AlAnon has helped me to find peace, calm, and strength. Our stories are very different, but I think you again for sharing yours. Glad you found this place.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
I don't have much to add to the brilliant comments here except to say even though I don't know you yet I am proud of you. You have stepped on the path to recovery despite all that has happened to you. So I'll give you a virtual standing ovation. You deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
Welcome - I am so happy that you have found a place that you can be open, honest and share your feelings and experience. It has taken me a while to respond to your post, like so many of the stories heard; yours is touching as well.
What a strong person you are, you have come a very long way. I'm sorry for all that you have had to endure. As most have said it is time for you to take time to explore who you are and what you want to do.
It is the "job" of an A to dump his/her thoughts,feelings,emotions,rage, and so forth on the bystander who not only is close by, but who allows it. You are us and we are you.
We are all here together to be open, raw and honest with one another. Often for me opening up and typing those words is a help, indeed.
Just wanted to say: my thoughts with and for you. You are doing a great job. Stay strong and be well.
What a strong person you are, you have come a very long way. I'm sorry for all that you have had to endure. As most have said it is time for you to take time to explore who you are and what you want to do.
It is the "job" of an A to dump his/her thoughts,feelings,emotions,rage, and so forth on the bystander who not only is close by, but who allows it. You are us and we are you.
We are all here together to be open, raw and honest with one another. Often for me opening up and typing those words is a help, indeed.
Just wanted to say: my thoughts with and for you. You are doing a great job. Stay strong and be well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
I am so sorry you are going through this sad time. I also was raised by an extremely cruel alcoholic who did die from his alcoholism... all alone. He drove everyone away and that was his choice alone.
When you were struggling your father gave you NO sympathy or support and just said to "pull yourself together" and he probably needs to take his own advice.
You could sit at his feet and let him torture you with his twisted thinking and you could do everything within your power to try to make him happy and NONE of that will have any impact on whether he chooses to address his alcoholism in a healthy way.
My dear friend, you have absolutely no control over the outcome of his situation and we simply are not that powerful as the "perfect daughters". The emotional ties that bind us so deeply to the often cruel alcoholic are due to a lot of different factors... finding a good therapist and alanon meetings will help sort this out. Reading all you can about the disease and learning about codependency will help you too.
I did find the strength to leave my father and we were estranged for many years. During my childhood he never once hugged us, told he loved us and all he did was torture and criticize. The day came he was all alone and even my codie mother had left him and I went to see him to tell him that I forgave him for all he had ever done to me.
I did that for me...not for him. I doubt he even cared or heard as he was drunk as usual. I told him that I loved him (why I have no idea but like you had feelings of "love" for this bizarre man) and I made my peace. A few months later he was found dead in his bed...
And yes... sometimes they choose to destroy themselves and even die. They careened through life hurting everyone and everything in their path. They manipulate, mock and even enjoy cruelty. And yet we hurt for them and for ourselves...for the father we never had that every child deserves.
A sperm deposit does not a good father make and a biological connection does not mean you or I "OWE" a toxic relative anything. You only have to do what you determine in your heart is healthy and makes you feel better. There is nothing wrong with cutting all ties! There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries or limiting contact either.
Set yourself free... please. You were never responsible and you are not now responsible for this man and his choices. These are his consequences and you my dear, need to take care of you! You have the rest of your life ahead of you...find peace and serenity... and may you find much JOY!
The miracle is there for you...keep going after it.
When you were struggling your father gave you NO sympathy or support and just said to "pull yourself together" and he probably needs to take his own advice.
You could sit at his feet and let him torture you with his twisted thinking and you could do everything within your power to try to make him happy and NONE of that will have any impact on whether he chooses to address his alcoholism in a healthy way.
My dear friend, you have absolutely no control over the outcome of his situation and we simply are not that powerful as the "perfect daughters". The emotional ties that bind us so deeply to the often cruel alcoholic are due to a lot of different factors... finding a good therapist and alanon meetings will help sort this out. Reading all you can about the disease and learning about codependency will help you too.
I did find the strength to leave my father and we were estranged for many years. During my childhood he never once hugged us, told he loved us and all he did was torture and criticize. The day came he was all alone and even my codie mother had left him and I went to see him to tell him that I forgave him for all he had ever done to me.
I did that for me...not for him. I doubt he even cared or heard as he was drunk as usual. I told him that I loved him (why I have no idea but like you had feelings of "love" for this bizarre man) and I made my peace. A few months later he was found dead in his bed...
And yes... sometimes they choose to destroy themselves and even die. They careened through life hurting everyone and everything in their path. They manipulate, mock and even enjoy cruelty. And yet we hurt for them and for ourselves...for the father we never had that every child deserves.
A sperm deposit does not a good father make and a biological connection does not mean you or I "OWE" a toxic relative anything. You only have to do what you determine in your heart is healthy and makes you feel better. There is nothing wrong with cutting all ties! There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries or limiting contact either.
Set yourself free... please. You were never responsible and you are not now responsible for this man and his choices. These are his consequences and you my dear, need to take care of you! You have the rest of your life ahead of you...find peace and serenity... and may you find much JOY!
The miracle is there for you...keep going after it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Im crying reading all you went through. My daughter is 5 now and I know shes headed for a life time of episodes like yours because of separated AH. I am so sad and angry for you at the same time.
He may die without resolving things. Just have compassion from a distance knowing its his own demons that keep him bound and you can not control that.
You are a wonderful daughter. You are articulate and healthy. Do not feel bad about taking care of yourself first! You are to be celebrated for how strong you are!!!
Keep posting here and utilize Alanon. It really does help over time...
He may die without resolving things. Just have compassion from a distance knowing its his own demons that keep him bound and you can not control that.
You are a wonderful daughter. You are articulate and healthy. Do not feel bad about taking care of yourself first! You are to be celebrated for how strong you are!!!
Keep posting here and utilize Alanon. It really does help over time...
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