Advice needed: A night out with my recovering alcoholic boyfriend
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
Don't.... just Don't
After reading through this entire thread, I have something very simple to add...
He has relapsed before, Don't put him in the position to relapse again!
While it is not your responsibility, how would you feel if he did??
He has relapsed before, Don't put him in the position to relapse again!
While it is not your responsibility, how would you feel if he did??
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It is tempting for people who have not dealt with alcoholism and addiction in real life to want to romanticize it. I get that, but...please don't. It's a horrible, awful, destructive disease that tears families apart, and your boyfriend is a freaking HERO for having come out the other side of it. This is one bear you do not want to go poking.
If you find that there is something lacking in your relationship, that he isn't spontaneous enough for you, then accept that he is not what you are looking for in a partner and move on. But if you are willing to be with someone who may not be all that spontaneous, but who chooses to overcome a life-threatening condition every single day of his life, then you have found something that a lot of us have despaired over ever having. I wish you the best.
If you find that there is something lacking in your relationship, that he isn't spontaneous enough for you, then accept that he is not what you are looking for in a partner and move on. But if you are willing to be with someone who may not be all that spontaneous, but who chooses to overcome a life-threatening condition every single day of his life, then you have found something that a lot of us have despaired over ever having. I wish you the best.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
There is so much I don't know about alcoholism, but... I feel that sobriety inevitably suppresses a part of his personality. A wilder part maybe? Or a more spontaneous part, or something like that. Probably that's what I miss, and not dancing in itself.
On a darker note: I sometimes look at drunks on the street and find myself trying to picture what HE was like when he was there. And I miss not having known him back then.
On a darker note: I sometimes look at drunks on the street and find myself trying to picture what HE was like when he was there. And I miss not having known him back then.
I am a recovering alcoholic myself and I never went to bars and pubs and I would definitely not enjoy myself in such a setting even more so now that I am sober.
I find drunk people loud and obnoxious and I do not care for the smell of stale beer and sweat.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Instead of asking if he wants to go, why don't you have a conversation with him about how he feels in public places with others drinking heavily. My AH would hate it but others I know would not mind at all.
I don't like it myself (I don't drink, never have much), simply because I hate seeing everyone make a fool of themselves and be so loud and crazy. That's just me.
Hope you all can figure it out!
I don't like it myself (I don't drink, never have much), simply because I hate seeing everyone make a fool of themselves and be so loud and crazy. That's just me.
Hope you all can figure it out!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Originally Posted by Ferra 
I'd appreciate any advice on whether taking him to a pub crawl and just drinking orange juice or whatever is a good idea at all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I really like this thread, mostly because my first reaction is to agree with a lot of what you're saying, which tells me how much work I have to do on myself. This also means that I have no advice for you, but I do know that the people that are giving you advice here REALLY know what they're talking about.
There are a few threads on here about "things a normie wouldn't know"…you, my dear, are a normie. Next time you feel like you wish you could have known him when he was an alcoholic go look up one of those threads. They are depressing and brutal and very, very honest.
Best of luck to you!
There are a few threads on here about "things a normie wouldn't know"…you, my dear, are a normie. Next time you feel like you wish you could have known him when he was an alcoholic go look up one of those threads. They are depressing and brutal and very, very honest.
Best of luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
It is tempting for people who have not dealt with alcoholism and addiction in real life to want to romanticize it. I get that, but...please don't.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Ferra
No -- the "problem" with this is that he loves me a lot and he'd come with me anywhere, so his answer is not an indication of where he wants to go, rather that he wants to go with me.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Why don,t you ask him?
He's been sober 7 years he can make the decision for himself.
Doesn,t mean if he goes he'll get triggered into a relapse.
He's been sober 7 years he can make the decision for himself.
Doesn,t mean if he goes he'll get triggered into a relapse.
Originally Posted by Ferra
Hi all,
my boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic, he quit drinking 7 years ago.
When we go out, we usually go to places that are alcohol-free (such as tea houses), or places that don't center around alcohol. I never drink when I'm with him. I go to pubs to drink when I'm with my other friends.
However, I'd love to show my boyfriend the places that I go to with my non-alcoholic friends, I'm just not sure this would be a fun evening for him. I don't want him to feel any kind of discomfort when we're in a pub and everyone is drinking around us, and the whole place is about alcohol-induced relaxation. I fear this may have a reverse effect on him in that he would feel less relaxed, or even annoyed in some way. Also, I'd love to dance with him when we're there, but typically people need to drink at these places before they dance so I don't know how this would turn out.
We met when he was already sober so I never saw him drink, and I only know about his struggles of quitting form what he told me. I don't have the same knowledge about alcoholism as someone who has experienced their partner's addiction first-hand.
I'd appreciate any advice on whether taking him to a pub crawl and just drinking orange juice or whatever is a good idea at all.
my boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic, he quit drinking 7 years ago.
When we go out, we usually go to places that are alcohol-free (such as tea houses), or places that don't center around alcohol. I never drink when I'm with him. I go to pubs to drink when I'm with my other friends.
However, I'd love to show my boyfriend the places that I go to with my non-alcoholic friends, I'm just not sure this would be a fun evening for him. I don't want him to feel any kind of discomfort when we're in a pub and everyone is drinking around us, and the whole place is about alcohol-induced relaxation. I fear this may have a reverse effect on him in that he would feel less relaxed, or even annoyed in some way. Also, I'd love to dance with him when we're there, but typically people need to drink at these places before they dance so I don't know how this would turn out.
We met when he was already sober so I never saw him drink, and I only know about his struggles of quitting form what he told me. I don't have the same knowledge about alcoholism as someone who has experienced their partner's addiction first-hand.
I'd appreciate any advice on whether taking him to a pub crawl and just drinking orange juice or whatever is a good idea at all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he has been sober for seven years and in ALL the time you two have dated he has NEVER even once suggested a pub crawl, a night out dancing, going anywhere that alcohol is served. not sure how much clearer the message could already be.
YOU feel YOU are missing something....YOU want him to be "wilder" - you have no idea what it is you are TEMPTING to unleash here. he doesn't drink....PERIOD. he wants nothing to do with alcohol. PERIOD. he has no desire to go hang out and watch people get drunk PERIOD. please respect that. if you feel you need something more or different from a boyfriend, then go get another one, but do not try to change this one.
YOU feel YOU are missing something....YOU want him to be "wilder" - you have no idea what it is you are TEMPTING to unleash here. he doesn't drink....PERIOD. he wants nothing to do with alcohol. PERIOD. he has no desire to go hang out and watch people get drunk PERIOD. please respect that. if you feel you need something more or different from a boyfriend, then go get another one, but do not try to change this one.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: NC
Posts: 199
Ask him what he wants. My son is 16 months sober and in college. His girlfriend drinks on occasion and they go out often. He feels fine going to dances where alcohol is served (he loves to dance) and to parties. He takes his own drink in hand (Gatorade). On the other hand, he isn't comfortable going to bars and hanging around all evening with folks who are there for the sole purpose of drinking alcohol. I think it's up to you to be upfront with him and ask him, and it's up to him to be honest with you and tell you how he feels.
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