SmallButMighty

...It really doesn't feel any better when it comes from a dry spouse then when it comes from a drunk one. I am glad he got sober, I am glad he is going to AA, things are better, but they are far from wonderful.

I was one of those silly spouses who thought if he just quit drinking everything would magically just get all better. WRONG!

I am so tired of being sad, anxious and resentful. Just when I think I couldn't possibly cry another tear my heart rips open and pours out some more. The passive aggression irritates the hell out of me.I am starting to think this may never stop and it scares the hell out of me... I'm in my early 40s, if this is what the rest of my life holds, I need to make some major changes, that also scares the hell out of me.

I really don't have anything more to say. I just needed to rant somewhere safe..I know it doesn't do me any good to aim it at him. (That was a lesson it took my thick head a long damn time to learn, unfortunately)I rarely post but I ALWAYS read. Been reading here for many years, long before AH saw the light.

I've talked to my doctor, he prescribed therapy and meds for the anxiety I've developed, I've read all the right books , I read SR faithfully , I do alanon online because real meetings are not available to me. I'm trying to take care of me the best I can but I am just so damn exhausted. Work, teenagers, "R"AH, aging parents (AF)....uggggg

Thanks guys and girls, I just needed to get this down, hopefully it will stop eating me up. Demons don't so much care for having the light shined on them.

Mango blast

RAH will be home next Friday and whether or not he changes is up to him; I am working on my own recovery. I recently became aware of how low my self esteem is and how much I throw myself under the bus. My advice (not sure if this is what you're after, but from my own experiences) -- find a good therapist or counselor, a good naturopathic doctor (or several, as I've learned from each one I've gone to), find some kind of in-person meetings as it's much better to develop a real life support group around you (alanon, Celebrate Recovery or keep looking for something else), and start figuring out ways to put yourself first. I work at that, and then have to keep re-teaching myself since it doesn't come naturally, yet. My anxiety is both mental and physical and I'm attacking it both ways. It sounds like you have a good start with that. Things are finally coming into balance, but I still have a long ways to go. Sending good wishes your way. Just don't give up. (((hugs)))

LadyinBC

First of all you are not silly at all. I'm an alcoholic and sometimes we also think everything will be or should be swell when we quit. Well it's not.

This disease is just as hard if not harder on those that get stuck in the cycle with us. It's usually you that has to hold everything together so that we can work on getting our crap together.

So give yourself a big hug and a break. You need time to heal and recover too.

Hammer

Good. It is over when you say so.

Glad you are tired of it, (me, too) so that way we know it is time to stop.

You ever catch my Poop Throwing Monkeys at the Zoo story? Short end up front is this --

IF you find yourself in range of the crap other folks throw, and they are crap throwing folks . . . you are probably too close to them. Not saying that is something wrong with you, just if you do NOT want to be hit with crap from crap throwers, you may want to move out of their crap throwing range.

More professional folks call that "Detachment." I call it Distance = Safety.

Watch how far he throws his crap at you, and move out of range both Physically and Emotionally.

Then without having to deal with the crap, you can sort out what to better do with the rest of your life.

Some of our Demons are on the inside.

Maybe read your post to yourself a few (hundred) times, asking WHY? I am putting up with the crap, and then you may find that you really do not need or want to any longer.

SmallButMighty

Thank you all for your perspectives. I appreciate the responses. Helps make my feelings, feel valid, especially since I was getting the cold shoulder for two days previous. Apparently telling him he'd hurt my feelings , was "stomping on him" and reason to only speak to me in one word sentences. I know a lot of people don't care for the term "dry drunk" but that is exactly what it felt like to me...his drunk behavior from a sober him. Anyways, that issue has been resolved, for now.

I know I need to take more deep breaths. I need to give myself time to heal. I need to give him time to do his healing. Hopefully the marriage will heal up as we do (?) I guess we have some figuring out to do. We didn't enter this relationship sober, we were party people together for a long time, until one of us had to grow up because the other didn't know how or couldn't or didn't want to get a grip on the problem he had developed. Maybe when the dust all settles we will find we really aren't compatible after all. I hope that doesn't happen. I know I wont spend the last half of my life feeling like I do right now. I can't.

We've been together since high school, we have a family, he's trying, I can't give up now. We've come too far. I weathered that s***storm for too many years to go giving up now he's trying to get better. But sometimes I still feel like I am only hanging on by my fingernails.

Hammer.... I love the crap flinging monkey analogy......The reason I still put up with the crap is because I'm not ready to give up. It isn't as crappy as it was last year or the year before that... he continues to try and clean up his crap...and most importantly,I love him. I (we) have actually stepped , rather leapt and bounded, away from very many monkeys of the crap flinging variety in the last few years, not so coincidentally, they are (undiagnosed) personality disordered, in some cases alcoholic, enmeshed members of my RAH's family...woohoo.. super fun stuff that! Complete cut off mode for three years now, but that's a whole big other pile of crap.

peacesoul

oh good a post that I relate to and can get my crap out too: STBExAH has as far as I can tell not drank alcohol in about 5 weeks. Great. Was okay/better but for last 7-10 days serious silent treatment like me asking 'are you picking up daughter' nothing answered. But texts answered. Blah. Our poor young daughter picking up on that and without asking, becoming the translator between the two of us. ughughugh
I (awful to admit) have actually been somewhat hoping he'd drink, just to get a mood change. Wicked stuff all around.
I so hope that your marriage works for you, good on you for knowing you are not ready to give up! Peace to you and your husband. (I've been with mine since high school too, hard to realize my entire adult life on this path so far, but sadly, I'm past the hope for repaired relationship point. For me, I need to heal alone)

SmallButMighty

While I do not wish for my RAH to drink, I totally understand how you feel about that.

Like I said I do not want my RAH to drink, but I still feel that piano hanging over my head that is going to drop IF he does drink, and if he does, that is the end of our marriage, it will be splattered beyond fixing. On the really bad nights I've considered, not wanted, but considered, what it would be like if he did fall off the wagon, just so the anxiety of waiting for it to happen again could be over with and I could be moving on and away... it REALLY sucks to have thoughts like that go through my head. Starts the guilt and I don't need that!

Best of luck to you and your daughter as you move forward into a healthier lifestyle.

peacesoul

Projecting a bit (okay a lot, haha) onto you. A close friend of mine is also going through marriage troubles, infidelity. she also said how if it ever happened again it would be an easy decision to divorce, for now she's struggling through the attempt at repair. But maybe, for you and her, it's still trying to let someone/something else make a decision for you. And that you(she) will know if/when it's ever time to really call it quits/decide.
I was there in that spot for so long, and god, it's hard on both paths. So just another 'focus on you' post to you
And yes, after my husband's first real attempt at sobriety, he was still a real ahole/jerk haha, I spent many nights thinking how I should have divorced him then when I had a solid reason. This time/attempt at divorce (after months of relapse), I started seeing a therapist with 'my goal is to successfully divorce'. If a future relationship exists, so be it, but I will be divorced.

Mango blast

"Dry drunk" is very real. As one counselor put it, I've been living with a crazy person for a long time and that isn't going to change overnight. That's the 'ism' in alcoholism. My non-negotiable for going forward is that A is working on his recovery, but exactly how that plays out I don't know yet. Is it daily calls and/or weekly meetings? We live a long way away from meetings, but I know they're important for each of us.

All I know is I'll be going back to my own craziness if I wait until he takes a drink to figure out where to draw the line. What if it's one drink three years from now? One night 10 years from now? What if??? I went in to family week at rehab wondering how to deal with if he relapses, but came out realizing worrying would undermine my own recovery. I will not divorce him, but if he's not willing to be working at his own recovery I have to be willing to leave for my own sake. Before it gets to that point, I'd be asking for some counseling for both of us together. I'm not asking for perfection in communication, but there needs to be improvement on both our sides. The communication exercises we had to do were invaluable. (that's actually where I realized how low my self esteem is) I've been looking into some marriage retreats. There's the cost and time away, but every crisis gets attention so I'd rather make this a priority before there's another crisis. We each need to figure out how to fully live and enjoy life again, and then we need to learn how to do that together.

btw -- you're not a bit silly and rant here anytime!!

SmallButMighty

keepingthefaith, thank you, you articulated a lot of what I already KNOW, however, I'm not practicing it. Unfortunately I am one of those people who is much better at giving advice then taking it, more of a do what I say, not what I do type person... how annoying am I ?!?!

When I told RAH that my therapist thought we needed some marriage councelling he said " of course she does!!!" and that was the end of the 'discussion'.

I don't think either one of us wants to admit how badly alcoholism kicked our marriage in the ass.

" we got this"... just isn't effin true.... we do not "got this" , we need help

FeelingGreat

Hi SmallbutMighty, passive aggressive can be hard and frustrating to deal with because on the surface it's 'fine' but you know for sure there's something going on underneath. I would never discount therapy, but in my experience having concrete techniques to deal with it are much more useful. It's like a script, which you follow and which can cope with any response he gives.
I read a book years ago which was amazingly helpful. I just googled it and it's still available from Amazon 'When I say No I Feel Guilty' Manuel J Smith. It tells you how to deal with situations that arise with the people you deal with including close family members. The thing I like about it is that it gives you practical coaching rather than deep analysis, so can be implemented quickly.

Mags1

Hi SmallButMighty, my councillor says we should get marriage councelling, too, but husband says, we can sort our own problems out. Not happened yet. Boot on other foot, though. I'm the one on recovery from alcohol x

I hope it works out for you. I feel like I'm going through a metamorphis and finding myself. I'm trying to do all the right things but husband says stop trying, so I have. Now I'm concentrating on me. I think perhaps like hammer says you've gotta get to of the throwing range and look after you. Take care, lots of hugs xx