JustAGirl1971

The discussion in Lewis's post about A's rewriting history to justify their behavior made me think about us. Do we do this, too? Or, is it just that when we take our blinders off, we start to see the truth in our pasts? Or, maybe a little of both?

The closer it gets to my AH leaving, the more stuck in the past I feel. I keep dredging up long-forgotten memories and hurts. I feel like I'm seeing my AH and our marriage from a totally other perspective (and the addiction that appears to have been present from the earliest days of our marriage.) Is this normal? I mean, it is strengthening my resolve because I see that while some of his behaviors have changed, most have not. But, it also makes me sad because we did have some good times. There was some happiness. And, then, it makes me feel guilty. Not much has changed so why did I subject my kids to countless years of this?

Is this normal? Anyone else do it? Please tell me that I'm not crazier than I already feel!

MissFixit

I definitely see things differently in hindsight. with more information about the reality of what was going on, stuff i thought was good, was usually some type of manipulation. i didn't get it at the time.

example: he needed to talk to me throughout the day everyday unless he was with friends. i mean like 5-10 calls a day. i thought he was needy but just so in love with me. that is what he told me and i believed it. i was his best friend. NOW, i see that as super enmeshed and codependent of me to engage in. it was too much. there was no breathing room for a separate identity. also, the persistence of those calls was too much. demanding. selfish. immature. a healthy adult doesn't require that level of coddling and attention.

there are hundreds more examples, but that was a reoccurring one.

hopeful4

I think it is our mind's way of moving on. We dredge up all of the old stuff so that we can actually come to terms with it and move on from it. Almost like you do when someone dies, as much as I hate to say that. So I do believe we take the blinders off which spins our mind into dealing with memories, realizations, and things we have stuffed for years and years.

Great post!

CompletelyLost4

In my opinion, this is completely normal. There were things that happened in my marriage that I didn't even talk about until my XAH and I were separated for about a month. It takes a break from the crazy to realize just how messed up the situation is/was, and then you see things in a different light. In my case, it was like I was living a double life - I was acting like everything was fine, trying to contain the chaos of life at home and keep together the family. I was consumed with guilt - did a lot of blaming myself for the drinking. Thought I could change him, and if the marriage failed it was going to be perceived as my fault, or that I was cruel for kicking him out.

Naturally, after being that codependent the separation was a big eye-opener. I had started going to Al Anon before the split, but I really could see how my XAH had manipulated me, realized how angry and disgusted I felt, and could see past the lies my XAH had tricked me into believing about myself. I couldn't see that while on the crazy train - I had to get off to realize how bad it really was.

Good luck to you!

FireSprite

Oh gosh, definitely. It's what stops me in my tracks & keeps me on "my own side of the street" sometimes. When I make breakthroughs in my recovery & I can honestly go back & reassess a situation & see my part in it for what it truly is... it's always a GREAT growth point for me to stop future, similar behavior. It also helps me to see the differences between codie behaviors & personality traits related to who I AM. (different "fixes" for those, ) That's when I get "well" in my recovery even if he doesn't.

Not every single memory is like that - but there were/are definitely times when I have acted from a more enmeshed POV...... especially from a need to control RAH & everything around me, having unrealistic expectations (bread from the hardware store type of stuff), or acting off of assumptions.

Florence

I did/do this. Now that I know what I know, I can see red flags dating back to the beginning. We did absolutely have some good times, and in hindsight they are bittersweet. I loved him so much.

I think this is part of the grief for the end of the relationship and grief around the addiction and what it took from us.

Blueskies25

Me too! First few months have been a huge roller coaster of rosy tinted glasses, awful memories and self admissions of where I'd allowed myself to put by AH. And like Lewis' wife, my STBXAH has made lots of statements about our marriage, very harshly and with no account of the part of his drinking, of course! But guilt too on my part. I think I'm grieving for what once was and what I thought would be. I now find that NC has helped along hugely as I'm able to reflect in my own space and at my own pace. I remember the agony of finding out about his affairs etc, but also remember so many fun times before addiction really kicked in. I hope I'm not going crazy! I don't think you are either. I think this is our way of working out as much as we can in our own minds. X

JustAGirl1971

I guess that I'm just really afraid that I'm rewriting history in order to justify kicking him out or to protect myself? It's just so disorienting. I feel like everything I thought I knew I didn't really know? It's not just that my focus widened and I'm seeing all the things that were at the peripheral that I couldn't really see before. I mean, yes, it is that, too. But it's also like my focus has shifted to the left and what I thought was real... just wasn't? Idk. And, thank you, FS, I am seeing myself more clearly, too. I see my own craziness and it's impact (negative) on our relationship and our children. It's painful but helpful because I can change those things about me. I will change those things about me.

I guess what scares me about all these negative memories that I'm dredging up is that I do not want to become bitter. We have 3 beautiful children and spent 25 years together. I don't want to filter those memories through a rose-tinted lens but I really don't want those memories tainted by bitterness.

Thank you, everyone. It's nice to know I'm not so crazy.

Lyssy

This is exactly how I feel also. Never even thought to question if I was rewriting history - I think as the cobwebs clear and we grasp that we really are not the insane ones and that we have been reactionaries to the crazy behavior around us (co-dependence). It starts by looking backward through a pinhole and as the fog clears it becomes a port hole.

The timing of this post is ironic as I was just researching a new book on creating new habits (Smart Change: Five Tools to Create New and Sustainable Habits in Yourself and Others: Art Markman: 9780399164118: Amazon.com: Books). I think that I have picked up some "bad" habits as I handle MY side of the insanity (maybe out of necessity, maybe it is the path of least resistance).

I am such a creature of habit/routine and am questioning if some behaviors/actions are good/healthy and I also want to create new better habits in several areas of my life, not just relating to rAH.

Lyssy

How I am handling this is to look to today and current behavior. I try and not drag up the past into my current thought process. What is going on right now that is unacceptable to ME. I am trying not to focus on what rAH is doing/not doing but just how it makes ME feel. My feelings are the issue. I can either accept that certain things bother me or choose to live without those behaviors/actions. I find that certain behaviors rAH is doing is still pushing MY codie feelings and behaviors. How can I stop that? I have to remove myself from the situation.

I would guess that this is the "awareness" part that we speak of

CarryOn

Lyssy got to it first...I am keeping my focus on the present and what each of our behaviors are saying. Actions, not words.

I hope I'm remembering correctly...some of the actions in your world have been DS moving to the grandparents because of AH's drinking, AH stopped drinking temporarily to get DS home, and I think I recall that AH recently picked up the bottle again. These are strong factual behaviors. That is what you are basing your decisions on. The removal of the rose colored glasses is just giving a different perspective on the past.

One of the things I discussed with my counselor was the feeling that I had somehow wasted 10 years with RAH because he relapsed for 18 months. No, we still had great times in the past, a wonderful marriage for a long time...we just had a REALLY, REALLY BAD stretch but it doesn't have to take away from everything else. I'm not saying that you shouldn't reevaluate the past...just that you don't have to remove the happiness from your memories because it was there too.

FireSprite

Not at all crazy. I think it cycles too - when it's "new", it's intense but after a while it gets easier. And like the others said - no reason to dump all of your good memories... the happy parts were just as real as the rest!

JustAGirl1971

Yes, Carry-on, you are right. Thank you to you & Lyssy for the reminders to look at the current behavior. His current behavior is quite clear. I think I need to go back and re-read the link in Firesprite's post about listening to our gut? My gut is telling me that our past was not all good or all bad. It just is what it is and now it's time to move on. Some days, I'm excited about the future, some days I feel stuck in the past. I guess all I can do is to just keep moving forward (& work the program!)

LifeRecovery

JustAGirl-

As part of my recovery I did a book/program on grief.

Some of this review/changes for me was about this rewriting.

It was about learning to "listen" to more than just what I was told. It also swung to extremes at times.

The grief work helped me to understand that it was a normal part of trying to work through a hard and challenging idea and topic. That normalization was so important to me.

JustAGirl1971

Thank you. I do have an al-anon book on grief that I've started working... but I've been slacking off on the questions, just kind of half-assing it. I started out really working it. I don't like being emotional and I've spent so much of the last month crying that I was getting sick of myself and really working the book was making it worse I guess the answer is, work the book & get the emotion out, even if it makes me really uncomfortable. I keep reminding myself: This is temporary. Life has to suck sometimes to help us appreciate the good times

LifeRecovery

I have a great therapist. One of the many things I have been working on with her is the normalization of emotions.....

There is a Winston Churchill quote about when you are in hell, just keep on going. I have to hold onto that with emotions.....the only way out of the hard ones is through.

I have a fear aggressive dog in my life. Do you know when she acted out the worst? When I was feeling like crap....and was trying to pretend it was all okay, which had been my previous way of operating. She is just fine if I am "being real," about what I am experiencing. I was SO incongruent in my own self previously....it is how I learned to survive. For me, hard as it was, now that I am congruent in myself I am thriving vs surviving.

owathu

THIS. Exactly.

Now that I am out of it for a significant period of time, the blinders have been completely removed. It has been a long road to get to the point where I don't miss what I thought our relationship was or miss him in any way.

Sometimes when I least expect it, some ******* thing he did that I pushed down hits me and I am almost left breathless at how just plain cruel he was. I am even more astounded with myself that I stuck around even after the first ****** thing he did. And that is on ME. That part of me that thought it was normal.

The gist of it is, the 10% of the good times kept me around. And they weren't even that good! Gawd, when I reflect on it, I really cringe at myself.

SoaringSpirits

No, you're not crazy, and you're not alone. I think it's part of the grieving and detachment process.

I was married 18 years. We had a good time and a happy marriage for the most part. We were best friends. But there were big things missing from the start. I saw the red flags yet pushed ahead with him, thinking he'd grow and change with time.

The missing things were magnified with the alcoholism that entered into our marriage around Year 10. After we separated, I dug out my journals from 1991, when we started dating. Not surprisingly, my 1991-92 journals are filled with worries and red flags. (What was I thinking marrying this man?!)

All those red flags remained throughout our marriage . Yes, we were best friends, we had kids, we had fun. But something was missing. I never felt 'cherished.' It was softened by the connection you have with someone you've been with a long time, but always there in the background I wondered if I had settled.

I think this is the perspective that comes with stepping back and taking a real, blinders-off, brutually-honest-with-yourself look at your marriage and all its warts.

A book that helped me immensely with all this grief is "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing." Highly recommend it. Also, therapy with a counselor with alcoholism training is very helpful.

LifeRecovery

I had started the follow up to codependent no more awhile ago, but have not gone very far in it.

This spoke to me this morning....it might be what you are talking about. She is talking about the stages of our recovery
survival/denial
reidentification
core issues
reintegration
genesis

The reidentification is kind of all these realizations that happen when the blinders come off. It is not necessarily rewriting, but it is seeing reality.

Stung

You and me both, sister!

If things do or don't work out between RAH and I, my biggest concern is becoming a better, happier and more emotionally stable person as a whole. Not only will that make ME a happier person but it will make me a better parent and a better partner (regardless whether RAH is my partner or someone else is.)

I think what you should keep in mind, is that you're in the very beginning of separating yourself from the craziness and that your emotions will continue to change from day to day until you form new habits and find peace in your life.