A letter to my alcoholic husband
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Pittsburgh, pa
Posts: 17
A letter to my alcoholic husband
A letter to my Alcoholic Husband My reality. While you escape reality and responsibility with alcohol and God knows what else, I am faced with the following - my reality. While you work and live out of town all week, I am responsible for our two children. This includes waking up each morning to get them moving and off to school. Taking them to and from any activities and among sure homework gets done, tests get studied for, hair is washed, and prayers are said before bed. I take care of all the daily details. I pay all the bills, including your rent. I feed the dogs, shovel the snow, let the dogs out, get the groceries, get gas, make meals, take out the garbage, and work full time. All of these things while waking up with the feeling of hopelessness because I was unable to reach you last night or worse, I was able to reach you and could tell you were drinking - even though you told me I was "crazy" for thinking that. The mind is an enemy at times - like wondering if you were with anyone - since there was infidelity. I wonder how two trips to rehab, multiple episodes of work trouble, being arrested, being in bar fights, isolating your siblings and parents, and a family on the brink of destruction cannot be enough to slam you back into REALITY - my reality. What the hell is going on - you lie to everyone you know. Then you accuse me of interrogating you and setting rules and regulations that you don't need. I need a partner, someone to share my reality, my multiple responsibilities. I don't give you rules - there are expectations in a marriage - a partnership. One of them is that you shouldn't have a problem telling your wife where you are it what you do. I know that alcoholism is a disease - but at this point, you have been to rehab twice and have the tools to stay sober if you choose to. There are recovering alcoholics who make the choice everyday when they wake up to stay sober - they go to meetings, therapy, rely on family, etc. I know I am a codependent to my core - but I'm actively working on this too. I am asking you to choose my reality - come back to us. Choose to be sober. You can do it - I know you can. But it is your choice after all - and you keep choosing your reality - of instant gratification, isolation, and selfishness. I know I should leave, not sure why I even struggle with it anymore! I hate this f'in disease and the choices you make, the choices I make. I have seen you in those moments of clarity - when you were sober this summer - and I know you are still in there babe. Please come back to us.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
when you were sober this summer
summer lasts three months, give or take. compared to
two trips to rehab, multiple episodes of work trouble, being arrested, being in bar fights, isolating your siblings and parents, and a family on the brink of destruction
you and your children deserve MORE than three months. he can't or won't SEE what he is giving up to keep drinking. in reality, you should not HAVE to tell your husband that he has a wife and children and they have an ongoing life of which he is not a part of. that you feel you need to remind him of that speaks volumes.
I know I have a job, that requires my attendance. I know that Wednesday is garbage day and I have to get the cans out. I know my car needs gas when the tank runs low. that my dogs need to be fed each day. my yard needs work. my bills need to be paid. as a full grown adult I do not NEED someone to point these things out to me. anymore than someone needs to remind YOU of what needs be done in your life.
IMHO, burn the letter. if you have to TELL him....what he already knows....then it is not that he simply forgot...he chooses not to remember.
summer lasts three months, give or take. compared to
two trips to rehab, multiple episodes of work trouble, being arrested, being in bar fights, isolating your siblings and parents, and a family on the brink of destruction
you and your children deserve MORE than three months. he can't or won't SEE what he is giving up to keep drinking. in reality, you should not HAVE to tell your husband that he has a wife and children and they have an ongoing life of which he is not a part of. that you feel you need to remind him of that speaks volumes.
I know I have a job, that requires my attendance. I know that Wednesday is garbage day and I have to get the cans out. I know my car needs gas when the tank runs low. that my dogs need to be fed each day. my yard needs work. my bills need to be paid. as a full grown adult I do not NEED someone to point these things out to me. anymore than someone needs to remind YOU of what needs be done in your life.
IMHO, burn the letter. if you have to TELL him....what he already knows....then it is not that he simply forgot...he chooses not to remember.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: my own prison
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
I know I have a job, that requires my attendance. I know that Wednesday is garbage day and I have to get the cans out. I know my car needs gas when the tank runs low. that my dogs need to be fed each day. my yard needs work. my bills need to be paid. as a full grown adult I do not NEED someone to point these things out to me. anymore than someone needs to remind YOU of what needs be done in your life.
IMHO, burn the letter. if you have to TELL him....what he already knows....then it is not that he simply forgot...he chooses not to remember.
IMHO, burn the letter. if you have to TELL him....what he already knows....then it is not that he simply forgot...he chooses not to remember.
I say have it enlarged and frame it. Anytime you doubt yourself or your abilities take a glance. Look at all you do, regardless of what he does you still carry on.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Just read through your threads and I just want to tell you, right here, right now... it's time to take care of you. I already know you take care of the kids and the dog/s but damn girl... you ain't takin care of you.
It's time to detach. I know you love him. I love my little alcoholic too. He's being well right now. The best thing I ever did though was to stop giving him all my energy. It literally made me sick. I cried so many tears my eyes would swell.
You deserve to be in a happy place.
He is clearly not ready to stop the madness. When his actions match his words, then and only then can you start to build the foundation of trust and truth. When he can accept that his life sucks because he made all those effed up decisions and it's HIS fault and not anyone elses... his life will change. Until he can accept his active role in his demise, he will not get better. But you can Kristen. Do not wait for him or you will go down with his ship!
GET OUT OF HIS WAY!
It's time to detach. I know you love him. I love my little alcoholic too. He's being well right now. The best thing I ever did though was to stop giving him all my energy. It literally made me sick. I cried so many tears my eyes would swell.
You deserve to be in a happy place.
He is clearly not ready to stop the madness. When his actions match his words, then and only then can you start to build the foundation of trust and truth. When he can accept that his life sucks because he made all those effed up decisions and it's HIS fault and not anyone elses... his life will change. Until he can accept his active role in his demise, he will not get better. But you can Kristen. Do not wait for him or you will go down with his ship!
GET OUT OF HIS WAY!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz
Just read through your threads and I just want to tell you, right here, right now... it's time to take care of you. I already know you take care of the kids and the dog/s but damn girl... you ain't takin care of you.
It's time to detach. I know you love him. I love my little alcoholic too. He's being well right now. The best thing I ever did though was to stop giving him all my energy. It literally made me sick. I cried so many tears my eyes would swell.
You deserve to be in a happy place.
He is clearly not ready to stop the madness. When his actions match his words, then and only then can you start to build the foundation of trust and truth. When he can accept that his life sucks because he made all those effed up decisions and it's HIS fault and not anyone elses... his life will change. Until he can accept his active role in his demise, he will not get better. But you can Kristen. Do not wait for him or you will go down with his ship!
GET OUT OF HIS WAY!
It's time to detach. I know you love him. I love my little alcoholic too. He's being well right now. The best thing I ever did though was to stop giving him all my energy. It literally made me sick. I cried so many tears my eyes would swell.
You deserve to be in a happy place.
He is clearly not ready to stop the madness. When his actions match his words, then and only then can you start to build the foundation of trust and truth. When he can accept that his life sucks because he made all those effed up decisions and it's HIS fault and not anyone elses... his life will change. Until he can accept his active role in his demise, he will not get better. But you can Kristen. Do not wait for him or you will go down with his ship!
GET OUT OF HIS WAY!
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,688
Hi Kristen, sorry for yours and your children's pain.
He may need a wake up call.
I had one and stopped drinking immediately when I thought I was losing what is dearest to me. It's a battle, as you say it's a disease, but it can stop, lots of us here are living proof.
As a child I lived in in a similar environment, my mum did everything while my dad , he did go to work, but all other time, drank. I hated booze and what it did to our family but I went and drank for years myself, I don't understand why.
He may need a wake up call.
I had one and stopped drinking immediately when I thought I was losing what is dearest to me. It's a battle, as you say it's a disease, but it can stop, lots of us here are living proof.
As a child I lived in in a similar environment, my mum did everything while my dad , he did go to work, but all other time, drank. I hated booze and what it did to our family but I went and drank for years myself, I don't understand why.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Well, I'll offer a comment from the other side. You may not like it. But, I think it is possibly the case: I doubt if he will pay the slightest attention to the letter.
The alcoholic can't successfully quit for anyone else. They try, of course. To quit for family, the job. Staying alive. It rarely works because it's the wrong goal.
Asking him to return to YOUR reality is not what he needs: he needs a SOBER reality.
I think it is confusing when you make a detailed list of taking care of the kids like it is a joyless task. It is confusing when you itemize the other jobs: are you frustrated that the division of labor in your marriage is so woefully uneven? That's a really valid point of contention, but it doesn't have anything to do with his alcoholism.
To be honest I would chuck all of the stuff about your work load and cut to the chase. And, I wouldn't bother with a letter. Tell him f2f you are sick of his drinking.
You say you aren't ready to leave. Maybe that is what the letter is lacking. If he doesn't stop drinking, only about 3 in 10 recover, what are you prepared to do?
The alcoholic can't successfully quit for anyone else. They try, of course. To quit for family, the job. Staying alive. It rarely works because it's the wrong goal.
Asking him to return to YOUR reality is not what he needs: he needs a SOBER reality.
I think it is confusing when you make a detailed list of taking care of the kids like it is a joyless task. It is confusing when you itemize the other jobs: are you frustrated that the division of labor in your marriage is so woefully uneven? That's a really valid point of contention, but it doesn't have anything to do with his alcoholism.
To be honest I would chuck all of the stuff about your work load and cut to the chase. And, I wouldn't bother with a letter. Tell him f2f you are sick of his drinking.
You say you aren't ready to leave. Maybe that is what the letter is lacking. If he doesn't stop drinking, only about 3 in 10 recover, what are you prepared to do?
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