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My son opened up to me today, so thankful for that

Old 01-17-2014, 01:55 PM
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My son opened up to me today, so thankful for that

One of my sons, a sophomore, was sick today so I had him stay home and took him to the doc. I was afraid he might have beginnings of the flu, but Im so thankful thats not what it is. After the doc visit I took him to breakfast--Im SO glad I did. I've wanted to take this son out for a talk for quite a while now because he has seemed a little distant. I asked him if he was angry at his dad; he said sometimes but that more than anything he just doesn't want to be around him. It really was good quality time spent this morning and it shows the extent alcohol has been affecting everyone even if they don't voice it. I told him he could talk to me anytime he needed, not to keep it all bottled up as I have over the years and that doing so can make him sick. He talked for about 2 hours and said he felt a lot better afterwards. It just makes my heart so sad that I've been this blind allowing AH's behavior to carry on for so long w/o trying to make changes.

My son went on to tell me he doesn't believe AH is abstaining and thinks his dad may have been drinking before the boys practice last Tuesday. Son said he didn't wobble or make no sense, but could smell beer on his breath. Knowing AH, he had a beer vs Crown just to take the edge off and think he's not really drinking.

What do I do with this??? I gave my AH an ultimatum on December 31st. He doesn't know I had this heart to heart with our son and I don't want to share our intimate talk with AH. I can see this just isn't going to work. So...I am going to have to work that much harder to get my ducks in a row over the next few months...I can see the writing on the wall. I want to go out in the middle of the woods somewhere and just SCREAM at the top of my lungs!!!! WTH????
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Old 01-17-2014, 02:01 PM
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Katchie...I am so glad that your son opened up to you. I would be very careful about telling dear old dad that son told you that. It will build up resentments and cause even more trouble.

The thing is, if he is relapsing you will find it yourself in due time. As you said, you need a few months to get your ducks in a row. I am sort of doing the same thing right now as I financially just cannot separate this second. I do know it will happen and am preparing things for just that. What point is there in even addressing it right this second?

It is great that son opened up to you and that you are such a good Mom. Communication is key. If I remember correctly, he does not drive your children, is that correct? If not then of course that will have to change.

I am sorry you are going through this. We will walk it with you, you are not alone. Keep on working on you and doing the great job you are doing. Remember those three C's and keep marching forward!

Hugs!
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Old 01-17-2014, 02:12 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Katchie...I am so glad that your son opened up to you. I would be very careful about telling dear old dad that son told you that. It will build up resentments and cause even more trouble.

The thing is, if he is relapsing you will find it yourself in due time. As you said, you need a few months to get your ducks in a row. I am sort of doing the same thing right now as I financially just cannot separate this second. I do know it will happen and am preparing things for just that. What point is there in even addressing it right this second?

It is great that son opened up to you and that you are such a good Mom. Communication is key. If I remember correctly, he does not drive your children, is that correct? If not then of course that will have to change.

I am sorry you are going through this. We will walk it with you, you are not alone. Keep on working on you and doing the great job you are doing. Remember those three C's and keep marching forward!

Hugs!
Noooo... AH absolutely is NOT driving our sons ANYWHERE at anytime, drinking or not drinking. It seems AH has forgotten some of that and thinks when he gets his license back he will be good to go driving our boys to and from practice again. Whoa horsey..that aint happening! I told him on the 31st no driving our kids anywhere until he can be sober for a good solid year and is working a program. Its not a year and he hasnt attempted to find help yet. Yeah, just wait until he tries that!
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Old 01-17-2014, 02:14 PM
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LOL...good! I thought he was not driving them but not positive. You are doing great. You are getting your ducks in a row and supporting your children...carry on...you can do this!
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Old 01-17-2014, 02:15 PM
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I'm sorry, Kathcie The kids really do absorb much more than we realize. On the ultimatum, it really doesn't matter if your AH is drinking or not drinking. You are allowed to change your mind at any time. The ultimatum was not a binding, written contract that you have to hold yourself to (he is doing x, therefore, I have to do y.) You are allowed to do what you believe is best, regardless of whether your AH is drinking or sober. If you've had enough, you've had enough. Period, end of story. You can just say "This isn't working. I am done."

That said, I agree with, hopeful. You don't have to tell him now. You can work on an exit strategy and still take it one day at a time. Once your plan is in place, then you have the choice. You can choose to go or you can choose to stay. You'll have had more time to see what he is or isn't doing and be better informed and better equipped to make the best possible decision for you and your children. If leaving right now is not an option, then you have the freedom to... not choose yet
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Old 01-17-2014, 09:03 PM
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I would definitely not say anything to him about what your son said to you. That's between you and your baby. He needs an outlet and he can not trust his dad. It's a great BIG deal that he can come to you and pour his heart and soul out and not be afraid to do so. Keep those lines open for the children if and when they feel like talking about it. They need someone they can trust and it's not Dad!
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Old 01-18-2014, 08:02 AM
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I have no intention of telling AH about my chat with our son. Im just so thankful when asked he was able to open up. It strengthens my resolve that one way or another, whether this marriage lasts or its over, I will provide a safe haven for my sons.

I have to add... Last night the boys had a barn burner of a game. I had a comment by another parent who let my son ride with them to the place the team was meeting up for the celebratory dinner that she had never heard my son talk so much, every, all the way to the burger place. Proof my son needed to vent.
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