On A Positive Note (re: RAH & DD)
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On A Positive Note (re: RAH & DD)
DD9 is, in some ways, much harder on RAH & less forgiving than I am myself. There are times when I have to rein her back a bit - she oversteps & comes off disrespectful.
I understand - she's a strong, independent personality that I have nurtured to stay true to these parts of herself. She doesn't have the *same* damage I do even having had an AF myself, because I have made conscious effort to change the pattern for her. For a long time it was just the 2 of us every time it "mattered" & he has a long history of disappointing her - missed events, late picking her up, skipping things altogether. In her words, I have shown her that I will ALWAYS be there for her, but he has not despite whatever he may say.
So she's held off the core of herself from RAH - she undoubtly loves him, but only shares the "surface" stuff, saving the talk of her fears, hopes, dreams & Big Life Questions for me. Now that he is WORKING his recovery he sees this himself & while it hurts, he also acknowledges that it's his own fault & has been working hard at righting this wrong, a little bit more every day. They play together, create projects together, he keeps every single promise no matter how minor & is learning to not make promises when he can't back them up.
And little by little they are getting closer - every day after school, "Dad! Wanna play football?" "Dad! I shared this with mom, but I want to tell you too...." "Dad! Guess what my coach said about my voice today during rehearsal!" "Dad! Will you help me with x, y, z?" "Dad! Can I ask you something?"
Last week she called to him from the kitchen, asking him to play a game with her outside & he agreed (we were sitting in the next room but she didn't know) & she did this little WOOHOO sound & then just under her breath, "I really love my Daddy." very matter of factly to no one but herself. The ultimate compliment, IMO.
He teared up but waited for her to go out the back door before asking, "Did she just say that?" he needed a minute to absorb it & let a tear run before bouncing off after her.
These are the sounds of recovery in action to me.
I understand - she's a strong, independent personality that I have nurtured to stay true to these parts of herself. She doesn't have the *same* damage I do even having had an AF myself, because I have made conscious effort to change the pattern for her. For a long time it was just the 2 of us every time it "mattered" & he has a long history of disappointing her - missed events, late picking her up, skipping things altogether. In her words, I have shown her that I will ALWAYS be there for her, but he has not despite whatever he may say.
So she's held off the core of herself from RAH - she undoubtly loves him, but only shares the "surface" stuff, saving the talk of her fears, hopes, dreams & Big Life Questions for me. Now that he is WORKING his recovery he sees this himself & while it hurts, he also acknowledges that it's his own fault & has been working hard at righting this wrong, a little bit more every day. They play together, create projects together, he keeps every single promise no matter how minor & is learning to not make promises when he can't back them up.
And little by little they are getting closer - every day after school, "Dad! Wanna play football?" "Dad! I shared this with mom, but I want to tell you too...." "Dad! Guess what my coach said about my voice today during rehearsal!" "Dad! Will you help me with x, y, z?" "Dad! Can I ask you something?"
Last week she called to him from the kitchen, asking him to play a game with her outside & he agreed (we were sitting in the next room but she didn't know) & she did this little WOOHOO sound & then just under her breath, "I really love my Daddy." very matter of factly to no one but herself. The ultimate compliment, IMO.
He teared up but waited for her to go out the back door before asking, "Did she just say that?" he needed a minute to absorb it & let a tear run before bouncing off after her.
These are the sounds of recovery in action to me.
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That really made my heart swell. So. Much. Love.
And it also made me really sad, that my kids will never have that. They have a dad-shaped hole in their hearts. They have a fantastic stepdad, but he can't fill that void.
I hope and pray your is motivated to stay in recovery. I cannot imagine a better reason, ever, than your daughter.
And it also made me really sad, that my kids will never have that. They have a dad-shaped hole in their hearts. They have a fantastic stepdad, but he can't fill that void.
I hope and pray your is motivated to stay in recovery. I cannot imagine a better reason, ever, than your daughter.
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That is awesome for your daughter 
My hubby is still away at treatment - six weeks in and almost three more to go. He misses our girls dearly, but I'm sad to say that my girls don't seem to be missing him as much. They have no idea why he really is away (and my therapist says this is ok for now). They think he is on course. The last few months when he was home he would blow up at them so easily and did very little with them. I think this is why they aren't missing him right now. Time will tell how this all plays out. Stories like yours give me hope that our family life can get itself back on track
My hubby is still away at treatment - six weeks in and almost three more to go. He misses our girls dearly, but I'm sad to say that my girls don't seem to be missing him as much. They have no idea why he really is away (and my therapist says this is ok for now). They think he is on course. The last few months when he was home he would blow up at them so easily and did very little with them. I think this is why they aren't missing him right now. Time will tell how this all plays out. Stories like yours give me hope that our family life can get itself back on track Member
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by kdjom 
That is awesome for your daughter My hubby is still away at treatment - six weeks in and almost three more to go. He misses our girls dearly, but I'm sad to say that my girls don't seem to be missing him as much. They have no idea why he really is away (and my therapist says this is ok for now). They think he is on course. The last few months when he was home he would blow up at them so easily and did very little with them. I think this is why they aren't missing him right now. Time will tell how this all plays out. Stories like yours give me hope that our family life can get itself back on track
My hubby is still away at treatment - six weeks in and almost three more to go. He misses our girls dearly, but I'm sad to say that my girls don't seem to be missing him as much. They have no idea why he really is away (and my therapist says this is ok for now). They think he is on course. The last few months when he was home he would blow up at them so easily and did very little with them. I think this is why they aren't missing him right now. Time will tell how this all plays out. Stories like yours give me hope that our family life can get itself back on track Kdjom - While I'm seeing this healing taking place it amazes me that he/they can grow so much in such a relatively short time compared to the YEARS of dealing with the active addiction. I think it is moving a bit fast for them because
a.)he finally SEES & acknowledges the scope of the damage he has caused
b.)he's finally working a program .... his 2 yrs of sobriety prior to this made very little difference in their relationship until he started working his program
c.)he's currently unemployed & without a license so he is physically AT home waaaaay more than normal.... cooking meals, cleaning, playing an active role in our family life vs. just "being there" in theory
d.)he makes time to TALK to her (not just AT her) & truly listen to the thoughts she has to share.
I've told him for a long time, it's not up to her to fix this & you can't blame her for protecting herself. This is ALL YOU.
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