My story

Old 01-13-2014, 05:38 AM
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My story

Hi All,
My family has been struggling with my brother. He and his wife have had a troubling relationship. for 15 years they have drank too much, fought frequently, and members of my family have been called over repeatedly to pick him up or take him out of there when they are in the middle of it. I would say the core of the problem is a terrible codependency on both of their parts. His wife has driven a huge wedge between him and the rest of us due to her insecurities. As a result, we have really not seen each other more than 4 times in 8 years.
During that time they have had several children. The pattern seems to be things get bad, his wife gets pregnant, they are OK for a while, the baby comes and they get bad again.
It turned out my brother was hiding his drinking. Drinking 25 small vodka bottles a day. His wife who was due in a couple of months started reaching out to my siblings for help. Of course, our experience with her has been that she has significant problems as well and we don't trust her at all so none of knew what to think.
We took my brother to rehab, he checked himself out.
Two weeks later his is arrested for domestic violence.
He fights checking into a program.
Finally, divorce, restraining order. He is calling us to take him in. None of us will without him in a treatment program. He finds outpatient and one of my siblings take him in.
30 days later, he seems to be doing better. Seems sober but is angry, his life is a mess. His wife won't stop reaching out to him and my sibling who is helping. Apparently there is no money, no way for him to get his own place ( Not sure if I believe that).
He is still sneaking around contacting his EX who we think is a huge part of his problem. He seems angry.
So with that background, My sibling is pretty much done with him. Ready to get him out of her house. We have told him time and time again to get an apartment, restart his life but we aren't sure if he is biding time until his wife figures out she needs him ( she is the most helpless "adult" I have ever met) or actually making the fresh start we all hope for.
I find myself feeling that I barely know this person that is my brother. I don't believe him and he is angry because no one trusts him and "treats him like a child" as he puts it. He doesn't like people demanding to know where he is all the time and what he is doing. His resentment is getting him booted from the one sibling that would take him in.
I have little kids and a stable home. I feel like taking him in but have really avoided extending that offer. I feel like he needs to get an apartment and start acting like an adult. The only explanation why he isn't doing this is either he is too cheap to spend his own money on his new place or he doesn't plan on being there very long.
I want to support him because he is sober, I believe that, but he still acts like a child, makes terrible decisions and just doesn't seem completely honest. I just don't know at this stage, where he is in a program, if I should still be concerned I am enabling him by giving him a place ect. I DONT TRUST HIM. That is the biggest issue. He has lied some much in the last 3 months. He has been "fired" from the same job 5 times only to find out that was a lie. Done to manipulate emotions so we will help him. open our homes, feel sorry.
Anyway the guilt is terrible and I would love to hear any perspective as I have never encountered someone that acts like this. Is capable of such tragic decisions over and over again.
Phew! WHAT A RANT.
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Old 01-13-2014, 05:48 AM
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Originally Posted by FunkyReggae View Post
I want to support him because he is sober, I believe that, but he still acts like a child, makes terrible decisions and just doesn't seem completely honest. I just don't know at this stage, where he is in a program, if I should still be concerned I am enabling him by giving him a place ect. I DONT TRUST HIM. That is the biggest issue. He has lied some much in the last 3 months. He has been "fired" from the same job 5 times only to find out that was a lie. Done to manipulate emotions so we will help him. open our homes, feel sorry.
Sounds like what you may be dealing with is "Dry Drunk." If he is actually even is dry. For months after quitting, they can still be crazy, and beyond that if they are not working a program.

This part: I DONT TRUST HIM.

GOOD FOR YOU. Means your brains are functioning correctly. Super. Listen to yourself.

Real deal -- you cannot lift him up, but he sure can take you (and anyone around) down. Keep your distance, protect you and your kids, and other family if needed.


Anyway the guilt is terrible .
What to do genuine GOOD? That is a big cure for guilt.

Do what you can to help his kids. They are big victims in all this.
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Old 01-13-2014, 06:26 AM
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I want to support him because he is sober, I believe that, but he still acts like a child, makes terrible decisions and just doesn't seem completely honest.
I've been there and it's a crazy position to be in. This piece was VERY helpful for me when it came to figuring out where to draw lines in my relationship with an alcoholic husband.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 01-13-2014, 06:35 AM
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Hi and welcome to SR. I am very sorry you are going through this. I agree, he is experiencing "Dry Drunk" behavior. Under no circumstances should you let him in your home in my opinion, especially having little kids there. It will cause you and your children chaos.

Until he is forced to face the consequences of his behavior it quite likely will not change. I am very sorry you are going through this.

Keep posting, you are not alone.
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Old 01-13-2014, 10:14 AM
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Do what you can to help his kids. They are big victims in all this.

I second this. Your brother and his wife are adults (at least physically). Sounds like those kids are growing up in hell. I grew up with alcoholism, abuse and mental illness in my homes (parents were divorced). I wish someone had stepped in to help my brother and me.
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Old 01-13-2014, 11:12 AM
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It's hard since I have had no relationship with my bro or his family really ever. His wife is mentally ill and probably an alcoholic in her own right. it's a really toxic situation. I told my wife when this all started coming to a head that I wish I could do something for those kids. I just don't know how I could without opening myself up to his wife's attacks. This divorce is really ugly and she has some things to my sibling who has been putting him up. trying to sabotage things.
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Old 01-13-2014, 11:13 AM
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Anyway, thanks for listening. Really just looking to confirm what I thought which is, I should not expose my family to this. I knew it but I think the folks around here understand the doubt that comes with guilt.
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Old 01-13-2014, 11:22 AM
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It would do no harm to tip off a School Counselor or Therapist at the kids' school.

They know how to check things very discretely and if there is any problem going on at the home (yeah, right, "if," huh?) they are required to act upon under what is called a "Duty to Report." That will get the correct authorities involved.

After that, you can follow up and see if there is anything you can do to help.
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Old 01-13-2014, 12:11 PM
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I second what Hammer said. The schools and teachers are the ones who see those kids each day. To tip them off as to what is going on and to let them know to be checking on the kids frequently would be a good thing for the kids.

When my AH and I were having frequent fights this year (not physical but definitely more than little disagreements) my little daughter's teacher called me in saying she had come into class one day with tears and obvious anxiety. First off, my heart was broken. Secondly, I was a bit embarassed (it's hard to admit that). Third...HUGE RELIEF! I told this kind woman everything. She is wonderful and gives me updates all the time on how my daughter is doing and I know she keeps a special eye on her. It also opened up my eyes that things had to change.

While no one called and tipped them off, in hindsight I was so mad at myself that I did not talk to her and let her know what was going on myself. It also made me look at my own behavior what I could do on my side of the street to make this any better, and have done so.

I know you don't have the control to make everything great for the kids, but I truly encourage you to at the very least speak to the counselors at school, their teacher, principal,etc. These people do their jobs because they love kids.

Good Luck!
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Old 01-13-2014, 12:34 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
I second what Hammer said. The schools and teachers are the ones who see those kids each day. To tip them off as to what is going on and to let them know to be checking on the kids frequently would be a good thing for the kids.

When my AH and I were having frequent fights this year (not physical but definitely more than little disagreements) my little daughter's teacher called me in saying she had come into class one day with tears and obvious anxiety. First off, my heart was broken. Secondly, I was a bit embarassed (it's hard to admit that). Third...HUGE RELIEF! I told this kind woman everything. She is wonderful and gives me updates all the time on how my daughter is doing and I know she keeps a special eye on her. It also opened up my eyes that things had to change.
Same here sort of.

Mrs. Hammer was absolute nutz upon return from Rehab. Was stressing me some -- but REALLY stressing the kids.

The school counselors were the ones to suggest Alateen (WONDERFUL!)

And when my daughter's lead teacher noticed our daughter (10, then) was slipping in classwork, the teacher followed her out one day, when I was picking up daughter, and tracked me down to ask what was going on

I started to tell the teacher about Mrs. Hammer, rehab, daughter being in Alateen . . . . when the teacher noticed the tears rolling my cheeks from being my sunglasses . . . she stopped me and asked if she could talk with her Teacher Team about. I managed to mouth out Yes, and Thank You.

The Teachers swept in like a Pack of Angels. God Bless the Teachers. Daughter is back on top and things are much better.

LESSON LEARNED: Ask For Help and Get Help.

or let everyone suffer silently.
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Old 01-13-2014, 12:38 PM
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Yes, I think that is the biggest relief of my own recovery. I no longer cover up what is going on or pretend everything is great when it is not. I no longer cover for my AH, and that did change some of his behaviors. Why...because he has to be accountable for them. Did it make him perfect? Lordy no. Did it help him..yes. Did it help me?...more than anything else I could do for ME. I broke the silence, it did not break me (although it was close)!!!

I agree...GOD BLESS THE TEACHERS!!!!!
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Old 01-13-2014, 07:52 PM
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Wow.

There are a few differences in your story that makes me feel confident that you're not my BIL talking about me and my RAH. Phew!

Okay, my RAH is the youngest of 5 and in a lot of ways, being treated like a kid is what lead him to drink in the first place. When my husband first started going off the rails I called my BIL and my MIL & FIL to help me out with my husband because maybe they could get through to him, because I couldn't and was pregnant with our second child ie: exhausted and hormonal. Leaning on his family members only exacerbated the situation and progressed his alcoholism greatly. Further, its driven an irreparable wedge between his family and myself and our children (although, his mom is crazy manipulative and controlling, so we have some other stuff going on that you may not.)

You know what our current solution is? My husband just rented his own apartment. He literally moved in there yesterday after staying in a hotel for a month. He was really pushing back on me about doing it and was brought to tears that the lease was 6 months rather than month to month (he's afraid to live alone.) He's never lived alone and he's always had someone else making decisions for him. He's also attending AA daily (tomorrow is day 30 for him), seeing a therapist twice weekly and now living solo.

I think you're on the right track but it might be your SIL (ex-SIL?) that you need to convince of this. It sounds like your brother either loves her still or is co-dependent on her (my husband is codependent on me too) and her opinions/suggestions probably hold more weight with him.

Good luck. I hope your brother sorts himself out for the sake of his kids.
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Old 01-14-2014, 03:08 PM
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You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. Your brother's chaos and bad decisions are his. Your primary responsibility is your own family, set boundaries that protect them. Yes, we should be there to help family. But if doing so puts your own primary family at risk, think hard about that. He doesn't sound like he's found real recovery. He did 30 days because he kind of had to, is he in a post rehab program? Going to AA, has a Sponsor, etc? Based on your post I'm guessing no.
You don't trust him. Trust your instincts. Trust your instincts.
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Old 01-14-2014, 08:32 PM
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He is actively working his program. I actually believe that. He is going to meetings. Had to go to work again.his disability is over. He just still doesn't seem totally honest with himself. Lots of meetings, sponsor, counselor. But at the same time, doesn't actively work at restarting his life. No forward progress. almost like he is stuck in limbo. I guess I can understand to some extent. His life is a wreck. For instance, his counselor is telling him the next step is to check into a sober living facility. He called it a halfway house and aside no way he was going there to stay with those people. Why does he think those people are that's different than him? Going back to his old life ( which is what I believe he wants) will lead him right back to his old habits. So on one hand, I want to support him because I see genuine effort, on the other hand, I still seem him deluding himself on who is is right now and where he is at. I hear him get angry at the only people that would are him in. He has a tough road ahead. All of this feedback was very helpful. I think m main conflict is, I see him legitimately trying but at the same time still screwing up and it frustrates me and leaves me unsure on white to do. Question, I now know he isn't
Coming to stay with me and my family. How enabling would it be to help him get set up in an apartment?
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Old 01-14-2014, 09:14 PM
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Originally Posted by FunkyReggae View Post
How enabling would it be to help him get set up in an apartment?
wow. You have it bad, don't you?

Grown ups do not need "help" -- whatever that is.

Let him be a Grown up.

=====

As far as

He just still doesn't seem totally honest with himself.
You are not familiar with the AA Big Book, yet?

Take a look at the opening to Chapter 5, How it Works >>>

These are your own words.

=============

How it works

RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

==========

Whole Big Book, free, online >>>

Big Book Online Fourth Edition

A Very Good Read.

Meanwhile -- stay clear of this mess.
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