hopeful4

Steelman...you have never ever lost a chance to free yourself from this chaos. It may be hard, it may not be what she wants, but at this point, what do you want (that you can control). It sounds like she is taking major advantage of you. Please protect yourself and your assets.

Make a goal and work on what you can do to attain that goal. IT IS NEVER TOO LATE, NEVER.

steelman1649

i know. i just mean that i was really close that time and just didn't make it happen.

Sungrl

How did you screw that up?? There is always a way out. You are not tied to a chair. It may not be ideal and it may not be pretty but you have a way out. Just walk right out the door and don't look back.

FireSprite

steelman, I think the handwriting has been on the wall for a long, long time and you know it. None of her behavior shows that she is taking your needs seriously or that she has any intention of honoring them.... refusing the job opportunity, purposely keeping herself in close proximity to her affair partner, staying overnight at the party house, password protecting her phone.... c'mon man, you know there's no deep meaning here. She's running you in circles but not a single thing has changed on her side of the street. She is an addict doing what addicts do.

So really, it's up to how long you are willing to put up with her behavior. It isn't about her at all anymore, you are fully aware of what is happening & maybe hoping she'll just wake up one day & "get it"? ...... when are you going to make this about YOU and YOUR needs instead?

(saying this with love, I know it's easier said than done)

fedup3

Steelman, you never lose your chance to get out, you only lose the way you wanted to get out.

Hawkeye13

It is good to hear from you again Steelman.

You can still say no. You can still move forward.
We have your back, you are not crazy, you know what is happening and only you
can decide when to stop the madness.

It isn't easy, but living this way isn't easy either.

Best to you and please keep posting

Hammer

sounding more fued about your side than hers.

Look, at least she is drunk and likely has some mental illness issues.

Feels like I am talking to myself.

I suppose I am.

Mirror, mirror on the wall . . .

hopeful4

So what can you do to make it happen now if that is your goal?

CodeJob

Steelman,

Are you still seeing a counselor?

What is it in your make up that thinks things cannot change or that you can't end this?

As for the phone pw, I suppose you checking it was a wee bit controlling? Why bother if you aren't going to do anything?

Someday, somehow, you will be ready. Hope she doesn't wind up in a pond off of I-94...

steelman1649

She always seems to find a new angle to use to convince me things are going to get better. I believed her, but here we are again.

Carlotta

The woman is a train wreck but you have a choice, the tools and the support:
Get off the crazy train!!!

LightInside

Everyone has a bottom. It sounds like you haven't hit yours yet. I didn't hit mine until my A dumped me. I got forced to my bottom. How is that fair? Oh, right. Addiction is NOT FAIR.

Sorry to go off on my tangent. Just a warning: I threatened to leave a lot and didn't. Then I was dumbfounded when he left. He too convinced me that things would get better. Really, I was just convincing myself that he was telling the truth and that he was capable of making things better.

If you are anything like me, it will be more painful for her to leave than for you to kick her out. I don't want you to wait to find out. I know though. This isn't about what I want. This is about YOU deciding when you've had enough and how to work out the breakup.

I'm sorry, Steelman. It hurts. Are you prolonging the pain by "avoiding" it? When you hit your bottom we'll be here to support you. Until then, we'll be here to support you. This is your choice.

steelman1649

Well I'm back in a very familiar place and that's feeling awkward about something my AW has on Facebook. Apparently she had planned (with another single guy at work) to wear matching t-shirts on the same day, since they both noticed they had them. Of course a picture of the two of them was taken and posted on Facebook.

As to be expected (at least not to my surprise) 3 or 4 other single guys commented on "how hot she looks" and if he could introduce her to them on her public wall, blah blah blah. Apparently several of them tried messaging her as well privately. This all makes me extremely uncomfortable, embarrassed, and sad. I asked her if she would "untag" herself from the photo so my friends and family wouldn't see it and here's the response I got.

They were saying I was attractive, not that they wanted to hook up with me or whatever. Maybe I should just start to make myself look ugly instead to avoid random people saying I’m attractive.
And if you noticed, I didn’t respond to anything on there.

Immediately on the defensive and selfish bandwagon, no consideration in the least of my feelings. Didn't seem like an outlandish request to me. I keep wondering since she locked her cell phone, if this stuff is coming out publically, what's going on behind closed doors.

Any perspectives friends?

lillamy

Your story, if I read it correctly, tells me two things: 1) Your relationship is not in a good place and 2) You're trying to control her behavior.

Neither is a good thing.

I'm not trying to bag on you; here's how I see it:
If your relationship was in a good place, she might have responded to those comments publicly with "thanks for the compliments, guys, but unfortunately for you, I'm already married to the greatest guy ever" -- I might have done something along those lines.

You're trying to control her actions so that she doesn't embarrass... who? You? Who are you protecting by hiding her actions? Who she really is?

I hope that doesn't come across as harsh. I spent so many years covering for AXH on every level -- crap, I even once called up a business associate of his after they had had a shouting match on the phone (AXH was drunk) and apologized and tried to explain on his behalf. I'm not sure who was the bigger embarrassment in that situation...

At the end of the day, I think what I'm saying is... she is going to be who she's going to be. She's going to drink if she wants to, post whatever she wants to FB if she wants to, and like all of us, the healthiest thing you can do is determine for yourself whether those behaviors are something you're willing to put up with.

God knows we can drive ourselves crazy trying to change people so that we can still want them in our lives. It doesn't work very often, though.

steelman1649

Not harsh at all, spot on.

lillamy

Thank you. I'm glad. I don't want to pile on the pain you're so obviously already struggling with.

steelman1649

I keep spending all my time trying to teach her how to act as a married woman and how you should treat your spouse. I guess I just dont understand how these things dont come natural.

SparkleKitty

That time and energy is better spent accepting her exactly as she is, and making decisions accordingly. No one wants to be "trained" by someone who loves them. Better that both parties are free to find the right match than to waste their lives trying to change the other person.

AnvilheadII

I keep spending all my time trying to teach her how to act as a married woman and how you should treat your spouse. I guess I just dont understand how these things dont come natural

you cannot bend her to you will, or MAKE her be who YOU want her to be. my christ, she has shown you over and over and over again who SHE IS and you keep taking the abuse and acting confused. i suppose if you came home and she was naked with some other man on the couch, you'd still want to hear her reason why this wasn't what it looked like.

SEE what you see. accept the TRUTH. she doesn't want to act like a married woman, she doesn't care enough about treating you decently to do so.

Hammer

ummm, yeah.

Get out of there, dumbass.

Was that too direct?