unsureoffuture

Hi all,

I wanted to say thank you to all of you for your support over this last year. I am finally at the point where I am going forward with leaving my ADH. If you remember last summer I gave him an ultimatum, stop or else. He of course chose not to get help and just to hide it more. I know his problem, his choice. After that I began preparing to leave and i waited until after the holidays and kids birthdays. So now new year and ready for new begginings. Over the last year I have grown a lot and become a lot stronger. I have learned to detach well and realize my ADH is not going to change if things stay the same. So...I am now prepared to leave. My question is how is the best way to do this? We have young kids 8 and 5 and Im not sure exactly how to go about this with the least amount of impact. Im looking for ESH from others who have done this with young kids. Do I tell him before he is served? Do I say anything to the kids or wait? Do I tell the kids about daddy's "problem" or just give them a vague mommy and daddy need time apart. My lawyer says I have to stay in the home until mediation (a few months or longer) when it will be decided who gets what and who moves where. UGHH its just all so complicated with kids, if it was just me Id be up and gone.

hopeful4

I am not sure of the correct answers. Myself I plan on speaking with a child therapist several times before I move forward. I want to know that the way I handle this...we handle this...is in the best way we can for our kids.

I hope you find some answers and some peace from this stressful situation. One thing my mom told me yesterday is this. "You know what, more people divorce than stay together. Just because you divorce does not mean you are destroying your children. You are still their rock, the person they can always come to no matter what. They know you will always do what is best for them, nothing can change that." I felt so much better because she is correct. If my kids struggle I will get them help and be there for them...that will never change weather I am married or divorced, and I bet it won't for your kids either.

Hugs and God Bless!

peacesoul

Good wishes to you. One thing I'm struggling with as my divorce slugs along is the continued stalemate, I think it is bad for my ~4yr old daughter. would have been better a clean break. So, my advice would be to consider trying to get your husband out of your house before serving, and maybe even serving it to his 'new' address. My (hopefully soon! ex) husband doesn't want to leave, so in the meantime tension is ripe in the household. Papers filed in July, maybe final within next 2-5months ugh
[all assuming that you can financially swing solo...]

PohsFriend

DO NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT DADDY'S ISSUES TO THE KIDS, EVER!!!!!!!!!

Any good attorney would roll that into a club and beat you to death with it for alienating the children from their other parent. It would be best to ask the court to order some counseling sessions and let a therapist the court approves handle that.

It sucks, we want to talk to the kids and it truly sucks if you follow the rules and do not disparage while the other one is telling them it is alllllll your fault.

Do. Not. Do. That. Ever.

There is a HUGE difference between having that chat if the family is together but once a divorce is filed I would bet money that your court has something called standing orders that SPECIFICALLY order you not to make disparaging remarks about the other parent and true or not does not matter. Let a therapist have Daddy explain his problem to them - not your job, not your problem.

peaceofpi

I filed a year after finding about my A's adultery. It took me a year to decide because I struggled with the question of joint custody with a drunk. He refused to go to rehab and didn't work an AA program: "I can control my drinking, and you're the only person who has a problem with it."

I filed the day I found vodka bottles (yet again) under the A's front seat. The night before he was to be served, I told him I no longer wanted to be married.

It went badly. Projections, accusations, lies, threats. He accused me of some untrue, heinous things.

Living together for the next few weeks until a court order managed to get him out was rather terrifying due to A's instability, destruction, and rage. I kept our son, then 4, out of the house every day until almost bedtime. We had lots of fieldtrips! I decided I'd rather let A destroy the house than let his negative anger affect our son.

After a few weeks, A and I went to see a child therapist for advice on how to break the news of the divorce to our child. I'd never mentioned it to our child. A had tried, while drunk and depressed, to tell son what Mommy was doing to Daddy, but I had gotten our child away quickly enough.

When it was time to break the news (a few weeks after the shock of filing), A did an admirable job of telling our child that he was moving out.

Here's some books I read several months before filing for divorce: "Putting Children First: Proven Parenting Strategies for Helping Children Thrive Through Divorce," "Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastles Way," "Joint Custody with a Jerk," and "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder." The first book includes what information to tell children of different ages. For 6-8 year olds, some examples are to provide a simple explanation of family changes, express your unending love for them (I do this many times a day!), reassure them you both will always be their parents and love and take care of them, and explain what will change and what will stay the same and how the new way of life will impact them.

A little more than a year after filing:
* Daddy doesn't appear to have told son about "Daddy's problem." But apparently has heaped blame on me, and son has tearfully asked me "Why did you do those things to Daddy? Why did you make us not be a family?"
* A has joint custody, unsupervised, thanks to asinine state laws that don't protect kids.
* A continues to drink.
* Son is in therapy.
* I have yet to tell son about "Daddy's problem" although I do point out to him other people who appear to be drunk and why that person looks drunk. I say, "That person made a bad choice and drank some poison called alcohol. Alcohol rots the brain and makes people wobbly, crazy, and mean." (I'd add "stupid" but that is the "S" word.)
* I have used kids books about divorce that explain how he has two parents who love him (e.g., "Standing on my Own Two Feet").
* In consultation with his therapist, I do plan to introduce him to some children's literature and workbooks on alcoholism at age-appropriate times, such as "An Elephant in the Living Room." It is unhealthy to pretend the nonexistence of family secrets such as alcoholism. When son was three and four years old, and A was acting crazy, he would look at me and shrug. He knows the signs. He needs the skills to cope, especially on his own with a drunk.
* Also, Alateen might be a good option down the road.
* I always let him know that I am here to listen to him. I don't pry into what happens at the other house (but sometimes he'll share anyway), and I don't ever talk bad about his dad to him (or to anyone who could repeat something I said to him) because of the potential to affect his own self-image.

Good luck.

theuncertainty

I think whether or not you tell him you're filing depends a great deal on how you think he'll take it. I knew AXH would blow up, even though he was living with some one else; there's no way I was going to tell him I'd filed. Your AH may handle it differently.

I told DS, then age 6, that Mommy and Daddy were not going to be married anymore, but that we would always be his Mommy and Daddy and will always love him just the same way we always have. We spoke about how Grandma and Grandpa love him and are part of our family while they live in different houses, etc. We would read 'It's Not Your Fault Koko Bear', 'Was it the Chocolate Pudding' and 'Megan's Book of Divorce'. The Sand Castles and Joint Custody With a Jerk books that Peaceofpi mentions were great resources.

Talking about dad's addiction... As Pohsfriend points out, disparaging remarks about the other parent are a huge issue in divorce cases.... Any discussion about the other parent's addiction needs to be done in a non-blaming, no finger-pointing way. I think, as a parent, it was my place to talk to DS about his father's illness. AXH certainly was not going to. DS heard, and hears, enough lies from his father; I'm trying to make certain DS can trust me to be honest with him. However, I didn't talk with DS about AXH's addiction until I ran it by my therapist and then DS's. And the discussion did not contain any of the grimy details about what AXH did, just a discussion about addiction as an illness and behaviors.

A book for young kids on alcoholism that DS preferred is The Brown Bottle by Penny Jones.

Note, however, that AXH's addiction wasn't the main point of contention in our divorce; his abusive behavior was. So discussing alcoholism wasn't strictly taboo. And while DS and I have spoken about why our house was always dark when we lived with AXH, and why I'd jump 10 feet with sudden noises, I have not brought up the word 'abusive' related to AXH when DS is around.

unsureoffuture

Thanks all,

My oldest, aged 8 knows about her dad's "problem". A few weeks ago she came to me asking why daddy drank every night and that she noticed he "acted funny" at night sometimes and "wishing she had a different daddy" and "why doesn't he just stop drinking the wine if he knows its bad." She had just had a talk at school about alcohol and drugs and I believe she just put two and two together. We have never discussed anything in front of her or to her before. My ADH hides most of his drinking in the garage but does have wine every single night in front of the kids. I did confirm for her that yes Daddy did have a problem and that she could come to me anytime and talk to me about how she was feeling and that its ok to be feeling the way she was and it didn't have to be a secret. I immediately got her into therapy and she starts this week. I hope I didn't say too much or do anything wrong. I never talked negatively about him whatsoever. I did mention that daddy was "sick" and it's not that easy for him to just stop drinking and that we all love him and are here to help him. She then asked if we were going to get divorced and I sort of brushed her off and changed the subject. She's a pretty smart kid. My 5 year-old is oblivious, although he has been having explosive behavior outbursts lately and I will be getting him into therapy soon after my daughter is settled. My ADH is not angry, argumentative or aggressive in any manner. He is the closet, sloppy, quiet drunk that passes out on the couch or floor at night. So my kids are not seeing any arguing, name calling or violence of any sort. They do however sense the tension in our house. And they are aware that even though daddy is present he is not "present" in our lives a lot of the time. He chooses to stay home and drink most of the time while we are out doing activities together and blows off the kids requests to play with them so he can drink.

I appreciate the advice. I will not say anything to the kids again until conferring with a therapist.

SherylB

I'm going through a divorce right now and have a 9-year-old daughter with my AH. You'd be surprised how much kids notice that things going on in the house aren't the way they should be. My daughter knew her dad shouldn't be in the garage smoking and drinking from the minute he got home from work until he went to bed at night. She knew he had a problem and tells me now that she's glad we're getting a divorce because there's no fighting anymore. She also tells me all the time that I deserve a man who will treat me right because dad didn't treat me the way I should be treated. Kids are very perceptive. I'm all for telling kids the truth...not sugar coating anything, but that's just my opinion. Some people probably disagree, but to each his own. I don't talk badly about my AH to her, but we do talk about how he has a drinking problem and hope that he can get a handle on that one day. Good Luck! Divorce with children sucks really, really bad, especially when there's an addiction issue. I wish I never married an alcoholic, but my wonderful daughter came out of the relationship, so through all the pain, she's the one good thing that I have now in my life. That keeps me going every day and I'm sure it does for you too.

CompletelyLost4

My divorce from my XAH was complete in July, and we have 4 boys ranging in age from 13 to 4. My oldest boys were completely behind the entire process from separation to the divorce finalization - mostly because they were old enough to witness their father's behavior AND to experience it. They did go to counseling because the affects of living with an alcoholic father had taken it's toll, and I wanted to start the school year off on the right foot with confidence. It made a world of difference.

It was harder with the younger two, because they weren't aware of what daddy was doing, or why daddy was asleep, sick, mad, etc. The hardest thing with them has been that they don't understand why they never see their father. My XAH has never wanted visitation. It is available to him, but he has never taken them. With my little boys, I explained the divorce with a drawing. I drew our house with our family, then I drew a separate house with their daddy. I told them that daddy and mommy loved them very, very much but we wouldn't be living in the same house anymore. It was a bit easier for my kiddos to deal with because their dad had traveled for his job anyway, and was gone two to three weeks at a time. Still - the drawing helped us with the discussion.

I don't ever talk badly about their dad, but I don't necessarily make excuses for him either. I'm not going to insult the older kids by acting like his behavior is OK. He refuses to come to my oldest son's basketball games, to the point he will come watch my 11 year old play JV and leave for the 13 year old's varsity game. He promises to come to things and doesn't show. He told my two youngest that he would take them for haircuts, then cancelled. My 4 year old cried for 30 minutes over that one. I don't make excuses for that behavior, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck big time. It breaks my heart that my boys have to endure that because of my bad choices, but I also know in the long run that our life now is much more positive, healthy, and productive because of the divorce. Just remind yourself of that when things seem tough.

Blueskies25

SherylB, I'm agreeing with you. At the point it came to putting AH out of own home, DD (aged 6 now but 5.5 years at the time) starting seeing a local addiction charity for support. She had been very aware of AH buying vodka to drink in the garage and had questioned it to him - what is it about the garage??? - after info sessions at school. She stated she had felt unsafe and not happy. Along with info from the counsellor, she understands now that he has an addiction and how this makes him act. I am never disparaging about him but answer all her questions about alcohol and addiction as honestly and appropriately as I can whilst making it not the focus of our lives anymore. She starts supervised visits in Feb and is very nervous. I reassure her of his love and her safety during these planned visits but his drinking did impact on her and I feel it would be detrimental not to answer her questions. DD2 is not even three and I'm not sure she ever noticed anything but having said that she sleeps better and has a better routine now which had been slipping significantly at the latter stages. Unsureoffuture, Are there any support charities or network near you? I've truly found their help invaluable? The child friendly info is well thought out and planned and offered DD a very safe and comfy place to talk freely. I wish you light and joy.

Blueskies25

Ps I feel it's fair to say that AH also was becoming abusive, had an affair, stole money and committed fraud. I never ever ever tell DD any of this but I do believe she needs to understand his addiction due to its impact.