Dyzio

Hello,
I'm the brother of a person with bipolar disorder and alcohol addiction. Sister few months drinking, cheating on me all the time and I think myself that she would go to rehab. Most likely lose an apartment, because she does not repay the loan. I help as I can, but I've had enough, and certainly do not want it at home. Destroying things, adventures, bringing strange people, etc.. I'm dead tired. If you only have a family of alcoholics, it is recommended to leave an alcoholic himself and take care of your life. What is my responsibility, I am aware that we are here is measured with a dual diagnosis.

OnawaMiniya

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

I'm a little confused. You said you're the brother of a bipolar alcoholic, and go on to talk about someone cheating on you. Can you please clarify if you are taking about someone else with a problem with alcohol as well? If not, could you clarify what you mean by cheating?

Thank you

Dyzio

By cheating I understand the promises about to go to rehab. Can I use the wrong verb. English is not my native language

OnawaMiniya

Ok, I thought that might be what you meant, something along those lines. Cheating is a word that you could use to describe the lies, yes. Often the word cheating is used to describe a spouse or partner who is being unfaithful. I just wanted to be sure of what you meant.

Well, unfortunately, as you can see, only the alcoholic can do the hard work necessary to live a better life. It's hard to watch someone destroy themselves when you love them, and painful to know you can't really do anything.

Often one way they decide for themselves to get help and to change their ways is to "hit bottom". If they are protected from the consequences of their drinking, they don't learn. If there are no consequences for them, they have no reason to change.

The fact that they are bipolar does complicate things. Maybe someone else who had more experience with dealing with a bipolar alcoholic well have more advice for you.

Wishing you peace, and remember to take care of YOU.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, dyzio.

I have a bipolar Mom, so I understand your frustration and despair. Your responsibility to her is only what you determine it to be. Yes, she is family, but no, you don't need to go down on the sinking ship with her. Sometimes, we need to let society intervene when the behavior gets too far out of control. It is hard to step out of the way, though. But they need to experience their own consequences.

Dyzio

My dear sister has just told me to **** off when I asked what she was doing. This is the normal way of addressing me. I've had enough.

Dyzio

How to defend against the environment that expects something you do with your alcoholic?

Hammer

I do not know how this translates to your home language, but we say the Triple C's.

1. You did not Cause it.
2. You can not Control it.
3. You can not Cure it.

My father-in-law started to explain to me that I should control my wife (his daughter). I explained the Triple C's to him. I laughed a sad smile with him.

There is no defending in this realm. Only acceptance. And from that can come peace. At least for you.

In Texas we drawl-speak this phrase -- It is what it is.

Dyzio

how to keep your distance? when there is a risk that your alcoholic fall into depression (which is typical in bipolar disorder) ...

Dyzio

I was just attacked by one of our friends and relatives that I do not do anything. I asked what is I should do … The answer was typical. I do not know but You should do something. And next, “..she may committed suicide either in euphoria (hippomaniac state ) or in depression. “
So I am again involved. The feel of responsibility etc. How do you manage “people”…

Hammer

Because I deal with so many differing people, one cannot have a one-size fits all method, but here is what I may likely do . . . .

People: You should "do this" or "do that."

Hammer: Yes, yes, please tell me what to do?

They will no doubt jabber on. that you should "do this" and "do that."

Hammer: Wow, those are great ideas. But could you show me How to do them?

And then sit back and let them.

No harm either way, and it gets you clear of their nonsense.

Dyzio

Yes.. Magic question: what exactly should I do - make miracle. I tested in the past.
I start to think that The problem is in me. I do not know, maybe low self-esteem. Everybody, precisely everybody can make me to doubt in my opinions.

OnawaMiniya

You are not the problem.

It is not your fault that they drink alcohol, and it is not your fault that you can not stop them from drinking alcohol.

A lot of people who do not understand alcoholism at all have the opinion that someone else can force an alcoholic to quit drinking. This is not true. I am sure there are individual cases where an alcoholic has been inspired to quit because of something said to them, but even then, only the alcoholic can do the hard work needed to actually stop drinking. So you see, no matter what, it is ALWAYS up to the alcoholic to stop, and no one else.

You might have an impact on them with words, with pleas for them to stop, telling them what you see...they might feel guilty, sad, upset, ashamed, etc. But if all they had to do was feel guilty/sad/upset/ashamed/etc in order to stop drinking, they probably would not drink. A fleeting or momentary feeling of guilt/sadness/upset/shame/etc does not translate to them quitting. Even if they WANT to quit, that still is not enough. In order to quit, they have to do hard work to reach that goal EVERY SINGLE DAY.

So please do not ever blame yourself, and please do not let other people make you feel guilty or responsible. You can not force someone else to quit drinking. Everybodyen an alcoholic who WANTS to quit has to do a lot more than just WANT to quit. Even their OWN voice in their own head saying,"I want to quit." is not enough, so why would YOUR words be enough?

I know it is so hard to separate yourself from the situation because you worry about their well-being, and you feel the need to be protective.

I know it is complicated because they are also bipolar.

The most you could do is research whether there is some kind of affordable professional help available to them, and give them the information, and hopefully one day they will reach out for that professional help. But really, even then, it's very likely that they will do nothing with that information, and might even be angry at you for giving it to them. If you do decide to research that and give them the information, that is your choice, and please remember not to take it personally if they don't appear to care or get angry at you.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

Peace.

OnawaMiniya

The above sentence should say

Even an alcoholic who WANTS to quit has to do a lot more than just WANT to quit.

Sorry for the mistake.

Dyzio

I have a feeling that in most cases „ people” try to force me to do something. Not because they take under consideration my sister well-being but prosaic reason – they want a peaceful life. Before when she was influence person, rather well-off. Friends flocked around her. Nobody listen my begging for not drinking. The most I am teed off at demand for declaring her legally incapacitated.

Hopeworks

Hi Dyzio,

My ex alcoholic was borderline Bipolar and did have manic grandiose episodes that involved binging on deadly amounts of alcohol being consumed and a nasty personality change.

I feel your pain as it hurts to be powerless in this situation (other than getting a court order forcing an evaluation which I couldn't do as I was not related).

In your case, under your circumstances you might want to consider exploring that option as it would accomplish two things that might be helpful. It would draw a line in the sand that you are going to be proactive on a limited basis in addressing her unacceptable behavior and it will change your relationship with her and the verbal abuse and manipulating may end (we can't be sure of the outcome entirely).

Your sister will be angry (I have never known anyone to not be when forced into evaluation) and most likely statistically she will not get sober. Sadly, unless an alcoholic desperately wants to break up with alcohol and are willing to do whatever it takes forcing them in to rehab just makes them mad and they can't wait to get back out and drink unmolested.

However, she will most likely break contact with you if she feels you become a threat to her drinking and lifestyle and that may be a new "boundary" that will help you get free from your own obsession with her drinking.

Please consider finding a GREAT (not all created equal) counselor that is very, very well versed in addiction, codependency, dual disorders and the laws in your country in these matters. This will be a lifesaver for you if you find the right person!

Secondly, AA open meetings are an enormously valuable source of information for those who have a loved one who is an active alcoholic. Just listening in is a huge education....

And run don't walk to the soonest alanon meetings you can find in your country. Visit with as many as you can locate and hopefully you will find a support group that can help you through a difficult situation with your sister.

Read, read, read! Threads, stickies, books, articles. I feel like I should have a doctorate by now in the various subjects we are addressing here! Knowledge brings power and freedom and the ability to make informed, logical choices with an understanding of the possible outcomes.

My dad was an alcoholic and he died alone with a drink in his hand. My brother is an alcoholic and is following in his footsteps. My ex is binging in Vegas for the past 6 months.

I am addicted to work and am in recovery for codependency... and I am free at last and am at peace with myself and my alcoholic loved ones.

It can happen ... you can find your "balance" ... keep looking!

Dyzio

Like the most of person who suffer from bipolar disorder, my sister during psychiatric evaluation behave impeccably.
The law says that one should assent rehab. At first it seems without sense but taking under consideration statistics ( effectiveness of rehab after forced rehab) – it become obvious.

Dyzio

My sister was arrested for drunk driving. Now she is free. Expensive attorney made miracle and after putting up bail for her she was released. I paid for attorney. Two hours ago he phoned to me asking whether I look after her to stop her from drinking. I was so shocked by his question that I did not know what to say. Next I told him that I do not know where she is now. He told me that she is my responsibility. And what is important he is the star of the Bar in our city.

Hammer

Well . . . . . okay . . . not to scold or dog you . . . . but . . .

We would probably not do that.

Most experienced Alanon folks usually muse, "Everything is right where it should be right now." And if she were in Jail . . . that may have been where she should be.

Cannot fight nature, after all.

But now that she is out -- maybe tell the attorney that she is HIS client -- meaning she is HIS problem. Then laugh and hang-up. You are not paying him anything more, right?

Dyzio

A lot of time has passed since my last entry. Sister just stop a bit, as reported by friends. I completely broke relations. During holidays, we met up for dinner with the family. Over the past 20 years the whole rudeness and insults let go deaf ears. Years later it occurred to me that now I can not take more. I also have quite a responsibility - mobile at nights, visits to the police etc. Do not waste a single minute of my life .. Sister as though if nothing rushed to hug, I waited and said hello only. The whole evening was avoiding her on exit said goodbye and went. I do not feel good but I know that she would pay me for my behavior. During the evening, she does not be drunk, but drinking. She does not began treatment but I know that for a few months will begin to ride again. I am considering moving out to another city, though for me it will be a huge revolution.