Police letting DUI go?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I work in the insurance field. If you have a hard time finding coverage, go to Progressive Insurance and exclude the other party on your policy if that is allowed in your state (they have to be filed to do exclusions but Progressive is in lots of states). That way they won't rate for that person or any accidents/violations they may have had. I would just be very up front about what happened and go from there. So sorry.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 23
Update
Thank you all for your shares. I really appreciate the wisdom, advice, and doses of reality. That's helping me keep at least a little grounded right now. Picked up the truck from impound this morning, and I can't see any damage from this, but yeah, I don't know what may or may not have happened for the other person. I do pray it's at least minor, for their own situation. They certainly didn't ask to get rear-ended!
Just had a little freak-out, so any ESH on this would really help. I got a call in the office that I figured was a tele-marketer, so I didn't answer. Check the message, and it's him calling from jail through one of those "press 0 to accept this call" systems. So I missed his call. I can't even describe the shooting sensation that went through me from head to toe. Just wow. Still feeling a little jittery, but it's not too intense. Had to talk myself down that cliff and keep repeating to myself that I have choices, I don't have to talk to him at all if I don't want to. I just don't have to do it.
So, I'm *thinking* I honestly need to not answer. Let him sit there. Let him have to reach out to someone else to bail him out. I don't want to be responsible for this. I don't have to, and don't want to. I think I pushed myself to decide that, at least, and as it's sinking in, my body is feeling calmer. So, I'm going to take that as my sign that this really is the right thing to do. I'm just amazed at how easy it is to stop trusting my inner voice.
Just had a little freak-out, so any ESH on this would really help. I got a call in the office that I figured was a tele-marketer, so I didn't answer. Check the message, and it's him calling from jail through one of those "press 0 to accept this call" systems. So I missed his call. I can't even describe the shooting sensation that went through me from head to toe. Just wow. Still feeling a little jittery, but it's not too intense. Had to talk myself down that cliff and keep repeating to myself that I have choices, I don't have to talk to him at all if I don't want to. I just don't have to do it.
So, I'm *thinking* I honestly need to not answer. Let him sit there. Let him have to reach out to someone else to bail him out. I don't want to be responsible for this. I don't have to, and don't want to. I think I pushed myself to decide that, at least, and as it's sinking in, my body is feeling calmer. So, I'm going to take that as my sign that this really is the right thing to do. I'm just amazed at how easy it is to stop trusting my inner voice.
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Join Date: May 2010
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If I could go back and NOT answer when my XAH called from jail, boy would I!
I did not answer at first. Then get this, one of the JAILERS called me and guilted me into talking to him. I should have just hung up on him too! And his offense was a lot more serious than this is (not that it matters, same outcome, jail).
Stay strong. You DO NOT have to answer. When that inner voice talks, listen, every time.
I did not answer at first. Then get this, one of the JAILERS called me and guilted me into talking to him. I should have just hung up on him too! And his offense was a lot more serious than this is (not that it matters, same outcome, jail).
Stay strong. You DO NOT have to answer. When that inner voice talks, listen, every time.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Oh it was only a couple of hours before they called me and guilted me into coming to get him. They laid it on thick. Amazing....and disgusting.
Let me say this better, he spent the night in jail, next morning I refused calls, within a couple of hours jail called me and guilted me into talking to and coming to get him. WORST MISTAKE I EVER MADE, short of marrying him in the first place!
Let me say this better, he spent the night in jail, next morning I refused calls, within a couple of hours jail called me and guilted me into talking to and coming to get him. WORST MISTAKE I EVER MADE, short of marrying him in the first place!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Ya - don't answer the call. Don't talk to the jailers. Ugh. I would not pick up the phone for anyone. You can always call people back if it is legit.
I could not get my EX husband off my insurance even though the car was in my name only. He had to sign even though I could provide divorce papers! I told the insurance guy that wasn't going to happen from me so the insurance guy called him like 500 times and finally got it done!
I could not get my EX husband off my insurance even though the car was in my name only. He had to sign even though I could provide divorce papers! I told the insurance guy that wasn't going to happen from me so the insurance guy called him like 500 times and finally got it done!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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That's dumb. The firm I work for accepts a signature OR divorce papers. Those divorce papers are a court order, someone needs to school your insurance guy!
Originally Posted by Thumper 
Ya - don't answer the call. Don't talk to the jailers. Ugh. I would not pick up the phone for anyone. You can always call people back if it is legit.
I could not get my EX husband off my insurance even though the car was in my name only. He had to sign even though I could provide divorce papers! I told the insurance guy that wasn't going to happen from me so the insurance guy called him like 500 times and finally got it done!
I could not get my EX husband off my insurance even though the car was in my name only. He had to sign even though I could provide divorce papers! I told the insurance guy that wasn't going to happen from me so the insurance guy called him like 500 times and finally got it done!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Codebear,
Just had a thought about you. Do you live in his house? I think you wrote that he owns it. Do you think he will be angry and move to kick you out for not bailing him out? I don't know your situation very well, but I just had a thought that you might need to find someplace else to stay (at least temporarily) if he is hot headed when he leaves jail.
FYI, I am in NO way implying that you need/should go get him. Just have a plan B for yourself.
Just had a thought about you. Do you live in his house? I think you wrote that he owns it. Do you think he will be angry and move to kick you out for not bailing him out? I don't know your situation very well, but I just had a thought that you might need to find someplace else to stay (at least temporarily) if he is hot headed when he leaves jail.
FYI, I am in NO way implying that you need/should go get him. Just have a plan B for yourself.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Codebear - mine started in right away with the guilt..... "I can't believe after nearly TWENTY YEARS together that you are going to leave me/ignore me/......"
Really? I laughed in his face! *I* can't believe after TWENTY YEARS together that you lied & manipulated me in such a way as to WANT to leave you in jail!
Whenever I have physical symptoms like that, I know it's time to step back & think about my next steps. You are SO right when you said it's amazing how easily we retrain ourselves to stop honoring our gut instincts. When it goes on long enough, it actually changes the way our gut receives information too - it gets tired of raising the alarm when it never gets answered & stops signaling the brain about those behaviors eventually.
Really? I laughed in his face! *I* can't believe after TWENTY YEARS together that you lied & manipulated me in such a way as to WANT to leave you in jail!
Whenever I have physical symptoms like that, I know it's time to step back & think about my next steps. You are SO right when you said it's amazing how easily we retrain ourselves to stop honoring our gut instincts. When it goes on long enough, it actually changes the way our gut receives information too - it gets tired of raising the alarm when it never gets answered & stops signaling the brain about those behaviors eventually.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 23
Hammer - Your questions are correct about what happened. Point taken about insurance company lawyer vs. getting my own lawyer. But apparently nothing to do in the meantime but wait.
hopeful4 - Thanks for the insurance suggestions, I'll keep that in mind.
So, generic question now. He's tried to reach me 2x today. Didn't answer either one. Not easy. But anyway, since I don't have any idea what's happening (yeah, even if I answered it wouldn't necessarily mean anything at all), how *DO* I find out some of the basic info like bail, sentencing, whether he's released, etc.? Do I just get surprised one day? I'm sure it can vary between regions, but what are some of the possibilities? Or is this how I learn to not care?
hopeful4 - Thanks for the insurance suggestions, I'll keep that in mind.
So, generic question now. He's tried to reach me 2x today. Didn't answer either one. Not easy. But anyway, since I don't have any idea what's happening (yeah, even if I answered it wouldn't necessarily mean anything at all), how *DO* I find out some of the basic info like bail, sentencing, whether he's released, etc.? Do I just get surprised one day? I'm sure it can vary between regions, but what are some of the possibilities? Or is this how I learn to not care?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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I honestly couldn't understand the process AT ALL so I spoke to a bondsman & just explained that he was incarcerated & I wasn't even sure I wanted to bail him out. They called the courthouse, got the info & translated it for me. For his DUI he had to wait to appear in front of the judge the morning following his arrest to see if they would bond him out on his own recognizance or hold him over. The Bondsman told me it would be a waste of my money to try to bond him out - that by the time he was able to process the paperwork & get it submitted, RAH would likely be released as it was his 1st DUI offense. He told me to save my money. He was right; after appearing in court the judge released him & then he had to deal with his truck still being impounded.
His 2nd arrest a few weeks later included felony charges (no DUI) & I still spoke to the bondsman to understand the process since it was much more complicated. For that they would NOT release him without bond so he had to stay incarcerated until his friend raised enough cash to cover the bond.
Our county has a website that I can look up arrest records & it also tells if they are being held, how much total bail is, etc. The bond works out to a % of the bail & when you go that route you are making yourself somewhat liable to make sure that they will appear for any future court dates, but yes - it all varies by state/county.
His 2nd arrest a few weeks later included felony charges (no DUI) & I still spoke to the bondsman to understand the process since it was much more complicated. For that they would NOT release him without bond so he had to stay incarcerated until his friend raised enough cash to cover the bond.
Our county has a website that I can look up arrest records & it also tells if they are being held, how much total bail is, etc. The bond works out to a % of the bail & when you go that route you are making yourself somewhat liable to make sure that they will appear for any future court dates, but yes - it all varies by state/county.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Look up your state and see if there is a crime registry. I know in MO we have Missouri Case.net
This is updated immediately and shows pending charges, scheduled trial times, etc. I think a lot of states have such thing, you could always call the court and ask them if there is something like that.
This is updated immediately and shows pending charges, scheduled trial times, etc. I think a lot of states have such thing, you could always call the court and ask them if there is something like that.
Originally Posted by codebear
Hammer - Your questions are correct about what happened. Point taken about insurance company lawyer vs. getting my own lawyer. But apparently nothing to do in the meantime but wait.
hopeful4 - Thanks for the insurance suggestions, I'll keep that in mind.
So, generic question now. He's tried to reach me 2x today. Didn't answer either one. Not easy. But anyway, since I don't have any idea what's happening (yeah, even if I answered it wouldn't necessarily mean anything at all), how *DO* I find out some of the basic info like bail, sentencing, whether he's released, etc.? Do I just get surprised one day? I'm sure it can vary between regions, but what are some of the possibilities? Or is this how I learn to not care?
hopeful4 - Thanks for the insurance suggestions, I'll keep that in mind.
So, generic question now. He's tried to reach me 2x today. Didn't answer either one. Not easy. But anyway, since I don't have any idea what's happening (yeah, even if I answered it wouldn't necessarily mean anything at all), how *DO* I find out some of the basic info like bail, sentencing, whether he's released, etc.? Do I just get surprised one day? I'm sure it can vary between regions, but what are some of the possibilities? Or is this how I learn to not care?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 23
Wow, that's amazing. 2 misdemeanor class A charges. Looks like pre-trial conference at 9am Monday morning. $350 bail. I wonder if the scheduled trial will show up on the record after the conference.
I googled and it looks like he could potentially be in jail for up to a year, and up to a year probation after that.
I googled and it looks like he could potentially be in jail for up to a year, and up to a year probation after that.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Well, if my teenager finds himself in juvy that is where he is gonna cool his jets for at least a few days. I guess your hubby can hold his own for a few days too.
I held less expectation of my husband being able to take care of himself than I did for my 10yo. Ridiculous (and very codependent). When I framed it like that it made things a whole lot easier and propelled me in my own recovery because that was not healthy thinking.
I held less expectation of my husband being able to take care of himself than I did for my 10yo. Ridiculous (and very codependent). When I framed it like that it made things a whole lot easier and propelled me in my own recovery because that was not healthy thinking.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 113
codebear --- ::::::HUGS:::::: I just left my AH and after reading you post I am so glad I did. I never though about the liability on me for him driving my car. He took it all the time completely trashed!!!! Thank you so much for posting. Not for me I am done done done and trying to get a lawyer for divorce BUT for others who would not have thought about it you are really doing a huge service to those. If we were still together I know now he will NEVER touch my car again. I picked her out, I financed and I paid for my little bubble car and as far as I am concerned the only person deserving to drive her is ME!!!!!!!
As far as jail...my personal opinion...You got yourself there you get yourself out.
My mom gave me the best advice. Let's call my AH Mike - not his name
Mike's problems are Mike's problems. Stop fixing Mike's problems. Fix Mischa's problems. Mike can take care of himself. She says to me all the time....Sounds like a Mike problem to me sweetie.
Take care of yourself and let him dig his way out of his own mess. Make him accountable. I see now that I bailed my AH out of everything and the more I did the more he dumped on me. As soon as I couldn't handle anymore he started to berate me, mean nasty names and comments that only go worse and worse as I got sicker and sicker from trying to solve all the worlds problems. I'm just one little girl and I can't do it all alone. Neither can you and anyone who loved you would not want or expect you to.
As far as jail...my personal opinion...You got yourself there you get yourself out.
My mom gave me the best advice. Let's call my AH Mike - not his name
Mike's problems are Mike's problems. Stop fixing Mike's problems. Fix Mischa's problems. Mike can take care of himself. She says to me all the time....Sounds like a Mike problem to me sweetie.
Take care of yourself and let him dig his way out of his own mess. Make him accountable. I see now that I bailed my AH out of everything and the more I did the more he dumped on me. As soon as I couldn't handle anymore he started to berate me, mean nasty names and comments that only go worse and worse as I got sicker and sicker from trying to solve all the worlds problems. I'm just one little girl and I can't do it all alone. Neither can you and anyone who loved you would not want or expect you to.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 23
Gosh, thanks Mischa!
Talked for a bit with a coworker who was a counselor in his former life (sad that he came to work tech support at my company for better wages!). Anyway, he's a blessing, and gave me an awesome injection of clear thinking. It's *SO* hard to hang onto that truth - bail him out this time. What about the next time? 3rd time? 10th time? And on and on. One thing that's really helping me right now is hearing that over and over again, because otherwise the empathizer in me goes into crazy overdrive.
Went to what I thought was supposed to be an Al-Anon meeting tonight, but ended up being an open AA speaker meeting. So stayed. Was good - the speaker gave an awesome testimony that really yanked me out of myself for that hour.
Called the local info line when I got home to ask about it. I'm glad I'm in a metro area where we've got a staffed phone line. Anyway, I told her what happened, and she was like "ha, that's my home group!". Turns out I needed to drive around to the *back* of the church, where they've got both an Al-Anon meeting and Ala-Teen meeting next to each other. She told me to come back and look her up, so I'm planning to do that.
I might tray another meeting in the meantime just to get more face-to-face. That will be good for me.
Talked for a bit with a coworker who was a counselor in his former life (sad that he came to work tech support at my company for better wages!). Anyway, he's a blessing, and gave me an awesome injection of clear thinking. It's *SO* hard to hang onto that truth - bail him out this time. What about the next time? 3rd time? 10th time? And on and on. One thing that's really helping me right now is hearing that over and over again, because otherwise the empathizer in me goes into crazy overdrive.
Went to what I thought was supposed to be an Al-Anon meeting tonight, but ended up being an open AA speaker meeting. So stayed. Was good - the speaker gave an awesome testimony that really yanked me out of myself for that hour.
Called the local info line when I got home to ask about it. I'm glad I'm in a metro area where we've got a staffed phone line. Anyway, I told her what happened, and she was like "ha, that's my home group!". Turns out I needed to drive around to the *back* of the church, where they've got both an Al-Anon meeting and Ala-Teen meeting next to each other. She told me to come back and look her up, so I'm planning to do that.
I might tray another meeting in the meantime just to get more face-to-face. That will be good for me.
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