AH deteriorating. What are my options?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Emmy, you seem to have, over the course of this thread, thought out your situation very carefully and realistically.
Choosing to move near your family and commute to work gets you and your kids much more support from those healthy people who love you all. It cuts your costs down to where you can live without your AH's financial contribution, and given his rapid descent into alcoholism, that is a realistic solution. It removes the financial worry from your life, and that can be huge.
All of that lets you create and live a much healthier life for you and your boys. It untangles the logistical/financial constraints of your relationship with your husband. It frees each of you to live as you want to, to make the choices you each see fit.
I hear the heartbreak in having to do this, and I am so sorry. I do not see it as running away at all. You can't control him, you can't cure him. God knows we all wish we could. He will have the opportunity to choose health and his marriage and family again, and we will all hope he does so. In the meantime, you'll be building a healthier and happier life for your family which will be there for him if he chooses it.
ShootingStar1
Choosing to move near your family and commute to work gets you and your kids much more support from those healthy people who love you all. It cuts your costs down to where you can live without your AH's financial contribution, and given his rapid descent into alcoholism, that is a realistic solution. It removes the financial worry from your life, and that can be huge.
All of that lets you create and live a much healthier life for you and your boys. It untangles the logistical/financial constraints of your relationship with your husband. It frees each of you to live as you want to, to make the choices you each see fit.
I hear the heartbreak in having to do this, and I am so sorry. I do not see it as running away at all. You can't control him, you can't cure him. God knows we all wish we could. He will have the opportunity to choose health and his marriage and family again, and we will all hope he does so. In the meantime, you'll be building a healthier and happier life for your family which will be there for him if he chooses it.
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Thank you, so much. The nice thing is are lease recently expired, so we can move out anytime with 30 days' notice.
My parents are very supportive, and my sister is my best friend. My parents' home is very cozy and peaceful. They are very active in their community, as well. It won't be easy for me but I think it's the best thing for the boys. I think AH will keep spiraling downward, I really do. But I kind of see this as the only way to help him. Staying isn't helping. It's been 7 years, and my staying with him hasn't helped yet.
My parents are very supportive, and my sister is my best friend. My parents' home is very cozy and peaceful. They are very active in their community, as well. It won't be easy for me but I think it's the best thing for the boys. I think AH will keep spiraling downward, I really do. But I kind of see this as the only way to help him. Staying isn't helping. It's been 7 years, and my staying with him hasn't helped yet.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
emmy, it would really be ok to leave him with some information regarding recovery support....AA Hotline, Crisis Hotline, ph # to a couple detox/treatment centers...if that is enabling anything, it's enabling the chance to get better.
it IS sad, but in his decline, it's just no place for you or the children. as you said, you gave it seven years...and here you are. none of this is your fault, or something you did NOT do right. addiction is a runaway train that barrels thru lives....
your family sounds wonderful, what a blessing. go to them, let them love you and help you and give those boys a sense of security and safety.
it IS sad, but in his decline, it's just no place for you or the children. as you said, you gave it seven years...and here you are. none of this is your fault, or something you did NOT do right. addiction is a runaway train that barrels thru lives....
your family sounds wonderful, what a blessing. go to them, let them love you and help you and give those boys a sense of security and safety.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: The planet Earth, or at least that's what I've been told.
Posts: 130
Originally Posted by EmmyG 
I decided what I think is the best thing to do. I'm going to take the kids and move to my parents' town. My sister, brother-in-law, and niece also live there. My brother-in-law commutes here for work every day, so I know it can be done. And because my family can help with the kids, my childcare costs go waaaay down. The school there is good, and my son can go to school with his cousin. I can easily afford a decent place and lifestyle for us. AH can still see the kids. This way I don't have to count on his help financially every month, because I don't know what's going to happen to him. Also, if he really does want to get help, he can do it from a distance. I think this is the best thing I can do.
I think you're making the most solid choice for you and your family. You sound like a strong person with a level head.
From the research that I have done for the own people in my life with addiction, inpatient rehab is his best bet if he decides to go. They have found that they length of time they stay in rehab is one of the most important factors for recovery - recommended is at least 2 months.
My best friend was on the brink of death before he entered rehab. Now he's been sober for two years and is fully invested in his goals and recovery. It can be done.
Please DM me if you need any more info about books, studies, rehabs, etc
Hugs,
C
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