Stung

FireSprite, that's why I think keeping the two of us separated is important. I don't care about what he's doing now, and I don't ask him about his recovery or whether he's been drinking or not. I just don't care. Eventually he'll realize what a dummy he has been and when he does and when he makes amends with me, then I'll care. Right now I care about myself and our daughters. That's it. (That's not to say that I don't wish things were different because I think a LOT about how different things would be/could be if he was dependable, honest and open. I desperately want a reliable partner to help me raise my family, but its just not in the cards for me, and that's difficult to accept.)

If he were living with us...I would definitely be more concerned about what he was doing and when he was doing it but I value trust. When my husband was telling me he wasn't drinking, I believed him because that's the kind of relationship that *I* want. I don't want a relationship with a compulsive liar and until he learns to control not only his drinking but the other crap habits that come with it, he'll be living on his own island. If he's not here, I don't really care. Out of sight, much more out of mind.

Hammer

Ready to go to war.

Does show my mindset, huh?

Which is not a particularly beneficial nor helpful one.

Based in my own fears, from what I understand I am reading.

Fortunately I have been wearing God out on the prayers stuff -- I guess mostly to change my mind.

And thank goodness it was cold, cuddle night, last night.

We decided in the middle of the night, we should start things over at just trying to be Friends. Got upgraded to Friends with Benefits not too long after. Going to keep working on the Friends thing for awhile, and if that goes well, add back in Lovers and Husband and Wife.

I am really happy just having my friend back.

==========

From the AA Big Book Promises . . .

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

Only if you drop it on your foot, as near as I can tell.

But the free online one sort of takes away that risk.

And if you are stupid like me, and use it as basis for building a resentment list against your A . . . . it will give you a good start on your resentment list for your own Step 4.

FireSprite

I agree, separation makes it easier. My obsessive times happened when RAH was still secret drinking so his behavior made zero sense to me at all because I often didn't even know he was drinking.

I really didn't see that I was doing it at all until I tried stopping & by that point it was such a knee-jerk reaction that had just crept in slowly over time. Once I started my own recovery and I could *see* myself doing this, I was able to stop it by identifying the triggers that set off the behavior. That is when learning detachment became so important to me as a way to protect myself.

Now? Meh - whatev's dude. It's up to him to decide what kind of moral code he wants to live by, I don't think about it. I might've caught a few signs of his recent relapse ahead of time if I'd still been obsessing at all, but it wouldn't have made any difference.

JustAGirl1971

This is what happened to me, too. Even now that we've agreed to separate, I am still struggling with detaching and stopping the obsessive thoughts. I can only hope it gets easier when they move out, as Stung has said.

Stung

I'm happy for you, Hammer. I think that's one of the things I miss the most. Followed closely by having another person here to change dirty diapers.

jessicajoe

Firesprite
Your response here, just this very second made me realize that me tying myself in a knot over "if" my partner relapses has absolutely to relation to whether or not he will. (I don't know if that even made sense) I'm sitting here thinking "duh".