Justwantnormal

I'm sitting here googling and reading everything and anything I can about alcoholism to make me feel... I don't even know really... just not alone, I guess. I just came across a post on another board where the woman talks about every year at Christmas staying up really late, putting out the kids gifts and filling stockings all alone while her drunk husband was passed out from the nights 'festivities'. This has been my experience in the 3 short years our kids have been in this world. This year he even passed out before wrapping my gifts, so I got to watch him rush Christmas morning to do so. I'm very aware of this not being 'normal' family behaviour, but for some reason I've never considered the flip side of it until now. This woman's comment got me thinking about how nice it would be to have a husband up with me, wrapping and stuffing stockings and building excitement TOGETHER for the impending reaction of our kids on Christmas morning. For the first time, instead of feeling angry and frustrated by his actions I feel incredibly saddened by what is missing. Instead of feeling like my heart has been trampled on, I feel like there's just a hole that's never filled with anything. I feel really, really sad.

dandylion

justwantnormal.....it sounds like you are beginning to grieve.......

I think it is normal to want the things that you want in a relationship. Who wouldn't???

dandylion

Justwantnormal

Forgive my naivety, but is this a common stage or process for people in our situation? I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed, as I sit here sobbing.

hopeful4

I have definitely experienced grief as a part of the failure of my marriage to my AH. Although we are not separated yet, I plan to do so very soon. It is very similar to the stages of death (sorry not trying to be morbid). I am in the acceptance stage right now. For me, I can see past being alone and see the need for more peace. Would I rather be wrapping gifts with a passed out drunk and being mad about it or would I rather do it alone listening to Xmas music with some peace in my life? I take option two. It was also building up my own self to realize I WILL BE OK WITHOUT HIM. It has taken me a long time to realize that..no matter what happens I will be ok and my kids will too. I will get them any help they need to get through this and I may have to make sacrafices but it will be ok without him!

Good Luck...take it a step at a time!

Hammer

Yeah.

Triple A

Awareness, Acknowledgement, Acceptance.

(some Alanon has Awareness, Acceptance, Action -- but you get the idea).

Next Comes Detachment to get you safe and distant from the crap.

And Then Boundaries to keep the crap away from you.

Sounds simple, huh? Takes a while. Be Patient and Get/Stay Prayed Up.

dandylion

Justwantnormal---Oh, yes.....not only is it common....it is necessary for the human psyche. Any time we separate from anything that we have invest a part of ourself in--we grieve the loss to one degree or another.

Even good changes, we grieve---I can remember that one day before our highschool graduation......there was such excitement and anticipation. Then I remember standing outside of the gym with some of my girlfriends and it dawned on me that my "schooldays" were over......I started crying, and, soon, the other girls joined me. For about 20 min. we were a hot mess of tears and snot.

Grieving comes whether we expect it or want it. It is actually the very beginning of our eventual healing. I hurts....it sure does...but it is inevitable. If we understand that and go with it rather than fight it....it will propel us along our journey.

I can tell you for sure, that it will not last forever. It won't always feel like this. Recognize it; feel it, and cry when it comes. Eventually, it will go away. Like a hurricane--fierce and scary when in the m iddle of it...but it burns itself out and before long the sky clears and the sun shines again.

I have witnesses all of this to be true.

dandylion

Lyssy

(((((justwantnormal)))))

Be gentle with yourself. I know the pain you speak of.

MsJojo

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this

readerbaby71

It is very sad.....last Christmas my mom told me that when she was a kid her dad would come home drunk on Christmas Eve, throw a tree in the living room, say, "there ya go," and pass out. She said she's grateful that none of her children ever had to experience that. My grandfather was wonderful to his grandchildren but extremely abusive to my mom and the family growing up. That story made my heart ache for her. Regardless of his actions she still loved him very much and forgave him long before he died.

Alcoholism destroys lives and families. It's heartbreaking.

Wishing you much love and healing in the new year.

Blueskies25

I've now seperated from AH and still find myself feeling like you do, so hugs to you. I am at the stage now when I feel heartbroken and overwhelmed at the loss (which he seems not to feel one jot, having moved on within three weeks to a new gf) I then remind myself of things he did not participate in and/or take any joy from and try to focus my mind on the things I am not missing. I wonder if I could ever trust anyone again, ever but I also know that if I did it would be lovely for that person to enjoy things like wrapping gifts etc rather than it being seen as a chore. He became quite joyless and it was quite pesky to try and moitvate him to enjoy things that most married fathers should and would love to do. I feel for you. xx

lolitalola

Sorry posted in error

OnawaMiniya

Grief is a typical response to any sort of loss we feel, yes.

Grief over what was, is, could be/will never be, etc.

I'm sorry you feel so overwhelmed right now. My heart goes out to you, truly.

Sometimes words don't do justice, so though I can't do it in real life, I'm sending you lots of gentle, caring, quiet **************{hugs}}}}}}}}

Peace.

Stung

Sending you hugs.

Justwantnormal

Thank you so much for all of your kind words and hugs. Yesterday was a very tough day for me, perhaps even my bottom. But... I woke up this morning with the realization that although I'm truly missing out on what a marital relationship should be, I'm in no way missing what a parental relationship should be. My children are wonderful little people overflowing with love for life, each other and me, and THAT is something to say a million thank you's to God for. This morning we had an hour long dance party to Veggietales in the kitchen and I loved every minute of it. I am blessed

getthere

Wow Hammer,first time I have heard or seen this,i feel I am at the beginning of a long lonely journey,but when I read your post,it was GO ME,i have done awareness acceptance action,however detachment is proving problematic...

Hammer

Yeah, the Detachment stuff is confusing. Alanon tends to be a "zen-ish" about with stuff like "Detach with Love."

You may have tracked my joke version -- Detach with a Chainsaw.

I have taken it to mean Detachment = Distance = Safety.

Seems to work in both the Physical and Emotional Domains.

And yeah, be patient with you. Chances are you took years getting in this situation. Will take a few months or more to get out. That is normal and okay.

And for further look ahead, once you get your boundaries in place and can keep the Crazy Crap out, you can start working on a Get Better and Be Better and Stay Better You.

That is where the Steps and the Rest of Alanon comes in.

Since you can probably tell that I am a (and maybe you are, too):

[pick one or more that fit]

Read the Last Page First,
Begin With the End in Mind,
Know Before You Go,
Recon First, Move Second,

Sort of person, I have researched ahead on all this.

Here is how things appear ahead.

After your Triple A, Detachment, and Boundaries, and then Your Steps, and are Helping Others . . . You are SO FAR OUT and AWAY from Crazy A Land, that either your A had done all their work, as well . . . or you are so healthy you will not put up with Crazy A Crap any longer.

AND You are HAPPY Either Way.

Nothing but WIN on the road ahead.