Stung

And thank you for letting me rant and rave like a crazy person. This stuff is just so stressful. I try to not let it be so consuming but its like as soon as you get a handle on it something shifts and its scary again.

suki44883

Get some sleep. You don't have to make any decisions in the next 30 minutes. Rest and tomorrow, just think about what you've read here tonight. We're here to support you. You can come back to this thread over and over and read and post more if you want. Go get some rest. (((HUGS)))

Stung

Thank you.

Hammer

Hopefully you soon recognize that you are powerless in all this, and that your life is/has become unmanageable.

Things start getting a LOT better right after that.

BoxinRotz

Just Live.

Stung

Hi, my name is Ann.

I keep letting myself down and I'm going to try really hard to stop doing that. I learned on September 18th that my husband is an alcoholic. Since then I've made threats, pleaded, begged, and cried enough tears to fill boats full of salty tears. I cannot fix an alcoholic.

I can fix myself.

I'm not sure how to fix myself. I know that a person is incapable of loving others if they don't love themselves first. I love myself (because I'm awesome, obviously), I love my two beautiful, amazing, incredible daughters and even though my head tells me not to I love my very screwed up, alcoholic husband.

I want to provide a safe and happy home for my daughters. I think I can only achieve that without my husband in my home. He is currently out of our home and its peaceful here and I want to maintain that peace. I'm not sure how to do this with grace and kindness and in a manner that is considerate of the 4 people that I love the most.

I want to feel at peace with my current scenario. I have some difficult descions that I will have to make but I do not need to make them right this second. I need to stop dwelling on these difficult descions every second of every day. My children are healthy, I am healthy. Those are the two most important things in my life, everything else are just details.

I am responsible for MY happiness. My friends and family continually tell me that I am strong and maybe I should start listening to them. Last night one of my friends said I was her hero. What can't heros accomplish?! Certainly they can create their own happiness and peace. That's what I'm going to do. My life doesn't need to be perfect or shiny, it needs to be happy. I am responsible for my daughters' happiness too and I need to set the example of how to do that.

I need to stop being afraid. This is my biggest barrier. I'm afraid of failing but failing is okay, that's how we learn. I'm afraid of making wrong choices, but there are very few wrong choices that can't be forgiven. I need to be willing to forgive myself before anyone else can forgive me. I'm afraid to be a single parent, but that's so silly because I've been a single parent since before September 18th. I'm afraid of being looked down upon, but seriously, I have the world's most amazing children and I'm a hero that runs marathons. If someone is looking down upon me they need to be able to top that and most people probably can't.

When I'm having a bad day, its okay but I need to remind myself of what is important: MY happiness. There is a reason that flight attendants tell you to place the oxygen mask on yourself first and then your children. They cannot survive with a parent that isn't stable first.

Hammer

Hi Ann. I am Phil. Glad you are here.

wow. You are ready.

ummmm, that is a bit of a tricky one. Would be interested to see how that goes. But many of us here (and in Alanon) have found that was not the case.

Any more than your hubby can fix himself. How has he been doing on that project?


As for this . . . .

Great Intro to take to Alanon.

dandylion

Stung---verrry softly, I would point out to you---when you say "His shortcomings feel like MY failures".......that is a classic symptom of co-dependency. The inability to see him as a distinct individual separate from yourself---that is co-dependency.

It is not your job to change him. You may not like how he is---sure---who could blame you...LOL. But it is not your job to change him. Sure, you may FEEL like slapping him or ass-kicking him---but that is not your job to do. The universe will do that for him. You have taken too much responsibility onto your shoulders that is not yours to take.

You cannot change this man. You can only take him as he is or leave it. If he doesn't already have respect for you--no amount of ass-kicking and beating him into submission is going to change that.

I am saying all this very softly...cause I am afraid that you are going to come over here and kick my ass...LOL.

dandylion

atalose

All you can do is work with the facts you have today, not what MIGHT be down the road.

Is he addressing his issues today? Is he going to rehab, AA working any kind of a program? Is he even acknowledging he has a problem and more importantly needs help for it?

Your plan A is a wonderful healthy plan for you and your girls BUT you are also throwing projection into it about some dates on a calendar. You will always have those special days with your children because YOU make them special a date on a calendar doesn't.

JustAGirl1971

You don't have to have all the answers right now, Stung. You have him out of the house. Your babies are safe. You have time to breathe and time to figure out what you want to do next. There's no huge hurry to figure it all out right this minute.

On the al-anon thing, I think you might be pleasantly surprised if you try it. I knew I needed it. My codependency took root when as a little girl, I'd bring my father beers and cover him with blankets when he passed out. So, yes, I definitely need it. What I was surprised to find was the amount of wisdom shared just for normal, every day living. Wisdom for dealing with things that aren't exclusive to codependents. It helps me with my anger and resentment, too.

Last thing, I just wanted to say, I think you're doing awesome I know it doesn't feel like it to you, but from my perspective - you're doing great!

MissFixit

hi ann,

like others said, you only have control over yourself, not anyone else. alanon was helpful to me for learning about co-dependent behaviors that i thought were normal, but actually aren't all that healthy. individual therapy was helpful to figure out why i made the choices i made, how i entered into a relationship with someone who wasn't all that healthy and why i defended the relationship and stayed. therapy also helped me address how i interacted with others and how to make more healthy choices in the future even if they don't feel all that natural in the short term. changing thinking and behavior is HARD and i needed professional help to identify what was what.

P.S.
I thought i didn't need any of this help for years. i was wrong.

Pia

Stung- You know your family situation and as heart breaking and as much pain you are in I just want to ask you to think about, What are you going to do when your daughter(s) come to you in the same situation or will they not come to you because they believe this is how life is? What advice would you give them? What would you suggest to them? (You don't have to answer just think about it)
I read an article and I clipped out this saying that helps me in alot of different situations. I keep it clipped to my monitor. " Recognize that certain things are simply beyond our control. Agonizing over such matters may lead to added frustration and rob us of many joys. After taking reasonable measures to resolve a problem, it is best to move on and focus on more productive endeavors."
Again- In the end only you can make the decision I'm not suggesting to leave AH or Stay, keep in mind we don't live in a world where there are always rainbows and butterflies and it can be hard and scary but it can also be wonderful, happy and peaceful. whatever you do I am here for you.

HealingWillCome

Like Dandylion, I want you to know that these words are spoken very, very softly...

Your above honesty is awesome. A big first-step in self-recognition and finding your path to peace. So important.

It is okay to make mistakes. It is okay to not be perfect. It is okay to fail. It's all okay.

Again, gently said...In you, I see someone who is not used to having things out of her control. I say that without judgment, because I see myself in you. Afraid of facing the tarnished image of what maybe seemed like a perfect marriage at one time, a happy family, a glowing, happy future for all of you. Afraid of others seeing you and your world in a different light. Afraid of being judged harshly by others. Afraid that things are beyond your control.

What we start to learn when we face the illness of alcoholism is that we are completely out of control...of the illness and the alcoholic. That's hard for those of us who are used to having life bundled up in a neat, happy, tidy, perfect-looking-from-the-outside package. We analytical, accountant-type, ducks-in-a-row, over-achieving sorts (I am one of those too) like to have things in place where we want them and where we think they fit best.

I understand your overwhelming sense of "I must fix this now. I want peace now. I want control back and I want our lives in order." I was (and am still working on it) the same way.

Sadly, life with an alcoholic husband (I know...I had one) doesn't allow that instant peace and healing. You have to give yourself time. Slow down, breathe, recognize and accept that this will be a long work in progress. And that is okay.

You are right when you say that you and your children are healthy and that health is important. But remember, physical health is not everything. You also deserve and need strong mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Those are some things to work on.

I was afraid of Al-Anon too, but so glad when I finally went. I was afraid of the unknown, and afraid that I would run into people who knew me and think less of me. You know, they might realize that I didn't have it all together after all, and I was actually seeking help beyond my own power. Pride is a hard thing to swallow, but helped me to grow once I admitted I couldn't do it on my own.

No judgment from me. Not at all. Just here for you, encouraging you to face your fears. You ARE strong, but you don't have to be strong all by yourself.

Stung

Gosh you people are patient. And kind. And wise.

I just talked to my husband and he sounds all happy and healthy. Meanwhile I'm about to come unglued (which has more to do with sleep deprivation than probably anything else.) He's been going to AA and seeing a therapist, no rehab. He said that he's done 15 meetings in 13 days but today his sponsor told him to go meeting hopping so he's going to 5 meetings today and he's gone to therapy twice this week. He also promised me that he'll come back better than he's ever been, to which I replied "actions, not words!" and he said he understood.

I still don't want to go to alanon. I'm going to try to do without and see how that works. I know, I know, it's awesome, it works and yada yada yada. I don't wanna go.

In the meantime, I need Starbucks. STAT! Starbucks and a truckload of boogie wipes. How can so much mucus come out of two tiny people?

dandylion

Stung---you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. So--don't do it........yada, yada, yada.....

dandylion

lizatola

What really speaks to me about this thread is 'acceptance'. I fought acceptance for so dang long it was like that piece of my brain just wasn't functioning. I would rant and rave and get angry AT HIM, because he was the one who was drinking, he was the one belittling our son, he was the one criticizing me and shaming me and blaming me, and he was the one with the DUI. Not me! I wasn't those things so screw him. That was where I was a few months ago.

I started working on acceptance. I truly had to sit down, face reality, and recognize who I was and who he was and where my marriage was TODAY. Not yesterday, not 10 years ago, but today. I had to start learning more about what I contributed to the mess we were in. Where did I drop the ball and let fear run my life? I consider myself a strong person, I've been through things that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but those things still didn't help me face what the reality of my today was because I wasn't ready to accept it and because those things were in the past.

I needed tools to learn how to get through TODAY and that was where Al Anon helped me. You are on a journey, Stung, and some day you may look back at it and be grateful for what it taught you about yourself. Be open to learning more, be open to the pain and the grieving because it is in those things where you will find yourself. Put you and your kids first. Only you know what that means to you and what that may look like. You can find peace and you can find serenity by putting what's important first. Your husband is who he is TODAY, can you accept that and live with that? Not who he was 10 years ago, not who you wish he will be or can be in a year.....For TODAY, what can you do for YOU?

Stung

Yes, that is me. I know control is an ugly word around here but I don't like surprises. I plan and I budget. I do take risks, but they're heavily weighed and calculated before pursuing them.

HealingWillCome

I get it. That's me too.

It's always bugged me that control is an ugly word. Control has its benefits.

But I've had to learn the hard way what I can and can't control. That has been the tricky part, but worth the hard work.

Stung

I don't know. Honestly, I can't even think about that question without creating a Pros & Cons list in my head of the decision to keep him or throw him back where he came from. If I'm being honest, I don't really know who he is at the moment but I know that I don't trust him. So I really have no idea. He's on his own island and I'm on mine and it'll be that way for about 18 more days.

For me? I need sleep, a nice long mind clearing run and time spent making my Mini Me's laugh because that's pretty much what I live for, baby laughs.

suki44883

A Pros and Cons list is an excellent idea, except do it on paper so you can see it with your own eyes.