:( I hate this
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:( I hate this
I told my hometown mommy friends about what has been going on and I hate my husband all over again. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I'm married to someone who has treated me and our daughters with some much disdain.
I let go of my anger but talking about the last two weeks just make the emotions flood back.
Does this ever get easier? Do they ever make this up to you, is that even possible?
I let go of my anger but talking about the last two weeks just make the emotions flood back.
Does this ever get easier? Do they ever make this up to you, is that even possible?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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It gets easier after you are away from the chaos. It takes time, but once you have some breathing room, you'll start to see just how dysfunctional it all was. After a while, you'll wonder why you didn't leave a long time ago.
As far as them making it up to you; usually not. That's not to say that there aren't relationships that are able to be put back together, but that takes a LOT of hard work from BOTH parties. For the most part, they continue in their denial that they have done anything at all wrong. It's almost always all our fault. Don't wait for him to change. YOU have to be the one to change what you are willing to live with.
As far as them making it up to you; usually not. That's not to say that there aren't relationships that are able to be put back together, but that takes a LOT of hard work from BOTH parties. For the most part, they continue in their denial that they have done anything at all wrong. It's almost always all our fault. Don't wait for him to change. YOU have to be the one to change what you are willing to live with.
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Was just covering this on another thread.
IF you get the 3c Repentant and Recover(ed/ing) A, you will get ALL that and a bag of chips.
BUT that is only IF he fully works the program. Otherwise, best you get is a Dry Drunk (I think 3b from our prior list). As suki noted, the Dry Drunk game figures what he did to you in the past is now "Your Problem," (do that math?) and then the Dry Drunk writes this bizarre contract that "you accepted their behavior." Whatever THAT is supposed to mean.
I think I now know you well enough that you will not wind up accepting Dry Drunk in the end, and neither will I.
BUT First. We need to work OUR program, and get ourselves cleaned up from all this garbage. No time now to worry about THEIR garbage, or program. Or lack of.
Take a Look at AA Steps #4 through #9 in this regard.
================
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
=================
See, if he does even a half decent pass at those -- it will have FULLY covered all you need, and in turn you could give him what he needs from you.
If that does not happen, as noted, the "short hand" for the condition you were dealing with is called Dry Drunk.
IF you get the 3c Repentant and Recover(ed/ing) A, you will get ALL that and a bag of chips.
BUT that is only IF he fully works the program. Otherwise, best you get is a Dry Drunk (I think 3b from our prior list). As suki noted, the Dry Drunk game figures what he did to you in the past is now "Your Problem," (do that math?) and then the Dry Drunk writes this bizarre contract that "you accepted their behavior." Whatever THAT is supposed to mean.
I think I now know you well enough that you will not wind up accepting Dry Drunk in the end, and neither will I.
BUT First. We need to work OUR program, and get ourselves cleaned up from all this garbage. No time now to worry about THEIR garbage, or program. Or lack of.
Take a Look at AA Steps #4 through #9 in this regard.
================
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
=================
See, if he does even a half decent pass at those -- it will have FULLY covered all you need, and in turn you could give him what he needs from you.
If that does not happen, as noted, the "short hand" for the condition you were dealing with is called Dry Drunk.
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Ugh, but I thought 3c was like rare and unusual to actually get back once they go through the AA machine?!
I will not take the dry drunk version of my dumb husband, I'll take a very remorseful, repentant and honest eternally recovering alcoholic husband and that's it. So help me if dry drunk even rears its ugly head in my direction. And his loser parents and siblings are out of my and my daughters' lives for good. They are so beyond dysfunctional it makes me want to scream. They are the very last influence that I want my kids to receive.
I will not take the dry drunk version of my dumb husband, I'll take a very remorseful, repentant and honest eternally recovering alcoholic husband and that's it. So help me if dry drunk even rears its ugly head in my direction. And his loser parents and siblings are out of my and my daughters' lives for good. They are so beyond dysfunctional it makes me want to scream. They are the very last influence that I want my kids to receive.
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I am with you. In the end 3c and/or None of the Above.
And you are correct. It is rare.
Like diamonds or gold. A LOT of dirt must be turned to find them.
Part of what makes it so valuable.
But I would suggest that before we each condemn our (own projected continued) Dry Drunks, we each diligently work OUR OWN Steps?
Would be Really Sorry of *us* to condemn others for the same things we did not or would not do?
And you are correct. It is rare.
Like diamonds or gold. A LOT of dirt must be turned to find them.
Part of what makes it so valuable.
But I would suggest that before we each condemn our (own projected continued) Dry Drunks, we each diligently work OUR OWN Steps?
Would be Really Sorry of *us* to condemn others for the same things we did not or would not do?
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Yes....but (and I want to smack my husband when he gives me buts) BUT I don't think I am THAT codependent.
The only program I want to work is a marathon training program and a "try to hate your alcoholic husband a little less for shaming you and your family" program. I think the former will really help with the later.
My pre addiction husband was worth diamonds and gold and all the luxuries that money can buy. I'd rather be poor and have my family together and happy. God he deserves to have his ass kicked.
And my friends are being so supportive and it kills me that I am the person who needs support. I love helping other people but I do not want to have to be supported. His short comings feel like MY failure. It's not right.
The only program I want to work is a marathon training program and a "try to hate your alcoholic husband a little less for shaming you and your family" program. I think the former will really help with the later.
My pre addiction husband was worth diamonds and gold and all the luxuries that money can buy. I'd rather be poor and have my family together and happy. God he deserves to have his ass kicked.
And my friends are being so supportive and it kills me that I am the person who needs support. I love helping other people but I do not want to have to be supported. His short comings feel like MY failure. It's not right.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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No, it's not right. You are taking on a responsibility that isn't yours to take on. His failures are HIS. You cannot live his life for him and you cannot control his decisions. All you can do is your best to protect yourself and your daughters. THEY are the most important issue here. What is best for them?? Living in dysfunction WILL affect them the longer they are exposed to it. Not to sound harsh, but put your focus on what is best for them, not what you want, and not what your husband is or is not doing.
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F. How do am I supposed to single handedly make that decision though? This is where I get stuck every time I run through my options.
Plan A. Divorce the wrong doer. Instant gratification and defending if MY honor. My girls have a strong role model in me (don't take crap from ANYONE!) but now they have to spend every other weekend and them some with loser dad and some holidays without me and that's where I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I cannot not be with my babies on their birthdays or Christmas or Halloween.
Plan B. Patiently wait for dumb dumb to get his act together...if that ever happens, or at least spend the next 18 years trying to make it work to protect my kids because then I'll be able to protect them from him and his out of control self. After that I can live to make myself happy. But what example am I setting for my kids?! Marriage basically is a crap shoot, don't ever do it because you have no idea who you're REALLY marrying?!
Plan A. Divorce the wrong doer. Instant gratification and defending if MY honor. My girls have a strong role model in me (don't take crap from ANYONE!) but now they have to spend every other weekend and them some with loser dad and some holidays without me and that's where I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I cannot not be with my babies on their birthdays or Christmas or Halloween.
Plan B. Patiently wait for dumb dumb to get his act together...if that ever happens, or at least spend the next 18 years trying to make it work to protect my kids because then I'll be able to protect them from him and his out of control self. After that I can live to make myself happy. But what example am I setting for my kids?! Marriage basically is a crap shoot, don't ever do it because you have no idea who you're REALLY marrying?!
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Originally Posted by Stung 
Yes....but (and I want to smack my husband when he gives me buts) BUT I don't think I am THAT codependent.
The only program I want to work is a marathon training program and a "try to hate your alcoholic husband a little less for shaming you and your family" program. I think the former will really help with the later.
The only program I want to work is a marathon training program and a "try to hate your alcoholic husband a little less for shaming you and your family" program. I think the former will really help with the later.
You are correct. That is more like T.
But really what would you think of a client trying to tell YOU how to do accounting?
You may consider accepting that Alanon has been successfully doing what it does much longer than you (and I) have not been successfully dealing with our A(s) by OUR Will and OUR Way.
And my friends are being so supportive and it kills me that I am the person who needs support. I love helping other people but I do not want to have to be supported. His short comings feel like MY failure. It's not right.
Might as well start dumping the pride stuff overboard as soon as it shows up.
RIP Sweet Suki
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Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
Stung...calm down. Those are all things that can be worked out during the divorce negotiations. You will have an attorney and he will have an attorney and the two attorneys will go back and forth and figure out something that you can both agree on. Attorneys do this stuff for a living.
My narcissistic ex tried to act like such a caring father, when truth be known, he didn't really want to have to deal with all that. After a year or two, he started sluffing off on visitation. Wasn't too long before he only saw our daughter sporadically during the year. They tend to get caught up in their own lives, especially if they are in active addiction, and other things take to the back burner.
My narcissistic ex tried to act like such a caring father, when truth be known, he didn't really want to have to deal with all that. After a year or two, he started sluffing off on visitation. Wasn't too long before he only saw our daughter sporadically during the year. They tend to get caught up in their own lives, especially if they are in active addiction, and other things take to the back burner.
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Stung, like Suki said, it does get easier the longer you're away from the chaos. That's not to say there aren't bad days here and there, but generally you learn to navigate in a way that doesn't revolve around the A.
I hated AXH for everything he put DS and I through, for everything he did to me. I had a lot of anger directed at both him and myself. That anger, though, helped me take the steps I needed to do to get away from him and stay away. Occasionally, it comes back, but it's rarely quite as overwhelming as it used to be.
'Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.” ― Malcolm X
I'm not saying you need to get away from your A; I needed that. Maybe your anger is trying to show you that you need something.
Do they make it up to you?.... That I can't answer. AXH is still deep into his addiction. I don't think there's anything he could ever do to make it up to me. I'm not certain he could do anything to make it up to DS for missing over a year (and counting) of his life. Perhaps there's something that will happen to where DS will forgive him and perhaps they'll have some kind of a relationship in the future. That's different from making it up to some one, though, I think. Perhaps AXH just went a few steps beyond the point of being able to 'fix' it, or there's some failing in me that prevents me from seeing it as an option, IDK.
Hang in there.
I hated AXH for everything he put DS and I through, for everything he did to me. I had a lot of anger directed at both him and myself. That anger, though, helped me take the steps I needed to do to get away from him and stay away. Occasionally, it comes back, but it's rarely quite as overwhelming as it used to be.
'Usually when people are sad, they don't do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.” ― Malcolm X
I'm not saying you need to get away from your A; I needed that. Maybe your anger is trying to show you that you need something.
Do they make it up to you?.... That I can't answer. AXH is still deep into his addiction. I don't think there's anything he could ever do to make it up to me. I'm not certain he could do anything to make it up to DS for missing over a year (and counting) of his life. Perhaps there's something that will happen to where DS will forgive him and perhaps they'll have some kind of a relationship in the future. That's different from making it up to some one, though, I think. Perhaps AXH just went a few steps beyond the point of being able to 'fix' it, or there's some failing in me that prevents me from seeing it as an option, IDK.
Hang in there.
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That is sad too. This is not how things are supposed to be happening. I just cannot believe that this is my life. I feel like I've had something very basic just ripped from my family and i feel like the person closest to me completely fooled me.
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I know you're venting here but let me ask you... Does Loser Dad and Dumb Dumb come out of your mouth around the kids and your husband? Because if it does, you're setting yourself up for failure in 2 ways. One with your children because, YOU picked Daddy and they are a part of Daddy, they share half his DNA. They will resent you for calling Daddy names if they hear you say it in ear shot. The 2nd with your husband because YOU picked him. He will become increasingly resentful if you're tearing him down when and *if* he's trying to get his crap together.
I'll be the first to tell you I have a horrible mouth!
It is a BIG downfall of mine and I have to check myself if I'm very angry with my husband that I don't hurt him with unnecessary banter that shouldn't be said, especially if he's on his way to trying to right his wrongs.
I hope it's just you venting here. Believe me, I did a lot of it too! The road to recovery is a long one. And even when you think things are good, you and he, as a married couple, will still be on the road to recovery. At least that's how I see marriage with an alcoholic. They are alcoholics/addicts for life.
I'll be the first to tell you I have a horrible mouth!
It is a BIG downfall of mine and I have to check myself if I'm very angry with my husband that I don't hurt him with unnecessary banter that shouldn't be said, especially if he's on his way to trying to right his wrongs. I hope it's just you venting here. Believe me, I did a lot of it too! The road to recovery is a long one. And even when you think things are good, you and he, as a married couple, will still be on the road to recovery. At least that's how I see marriage with an alcoholic. They are alcoholics/addicts for life.
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Lending a shoulder if you need it.
I felt the same way: that AXH had completely fooled me. My image of what our life was supposed to be was shattered. Now... I feel much more...at peace. DS and I are right where we need to be. He is such a sweet, giving, brave little boy. He's found his voice and is so mischievous. I'm finding my voice and have found that I can take care of us, that I'm stronger than I thought. None of his would have come to pass had I stayed with AXH.
You'll find your path, too. Just because this idea of family didn't work out like you planned, doesn't mean you won't be able to reach that goal.
I felt the same way: that AXH had completely fooled me. My image of what our life was supposed to be was shattered. Now... I feel much more...at peace. DS and I are right where we need to be. He is such a sweet, giving, brave little boy. He's found his voice and is so mischievous. I'm finding my voice and have found that I can take care of us, that I'm stronger than I thought. None of his would have come to pass had I stayed with AXH.
You'll find your path, too. Just because this idea of family didn't work out like you planned, doesn't mean you won't be able to reach that goal.
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Boxin, no, no. I ONLY do that here because I'm frustrated and because he is dumb, so so so dumb! I did choose him and I have the very best parts of him in DD1 and DD2. I'm thankful for my children with him. I am so upset when I think about how his behavior effects them now and how he has already treated them. It's so selfish!
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Originally Posted by Stung
This is not how things are supposed to be happening. I just cannot believe that this is my life.
I really know how you feel!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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Your responsibility is to get your children into a stable, loving and comfortable home. They do not deserve to live in chaos and they deserve better than to live with an active addict. I firmly believe it is better to come from a broken home than to continue to live in one. Whatever you decide to do, put your children first; before yourself and before your husband. They need you. He doesn't.
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Originally Posted by Stung
Boxin, no, no. I ONLY do that here because I'm frustrated and because he is dumb, so so so dumb! I did choose him and I have the very best parts of him in DD1 and DD2. I'm thankful for my children with him. I am so upset when I think about how his behavior effects them now and how he has already treated them. It's so selfish!
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