EmmyG

I want to be one of those women who is strong and doesn't take abuse. I just feel so crappy about myself. I feel like I'm to blame for my husband and I separating. He says I drive him inasane, he's glad he won't be my husband anymore, and that I can be someone else's problem. Why does he have to make it so painful? I just got called a c word again. I always feel like I deserve it in some way, because I make him so mad and I am annoying. I nag him but I feel like his drinking issues have put me here. I don't know who I am. I wish I could be strong and I want to be, but a strong woman would hate a man who could call the mother of his kids that word and wouldn't care what he thought of her. Why am I so weak? Why is this breakup so hard for ME? I hate myself right now. I feel pathetic.

ladyscribbler

I've been where you are, got called an A, a B, a C and every other letter of the alphabet. got blamed for everything that was wrong in his life. It took me awhile to figure out that every nasty thing he said about me was really the way he felt about himself. You're not listening to a human being speaking, you're hearing a disease trying to protect itself.
Strength is not the same as hatred. Most of us are gradually taught to accept abuse, it doesn't just happen all of a sudden. Unacceptable behavior creeps in and builds. I'm betting he didn't call you a C on your first date.
Breakups are hard even without the added factors of abuse and alcoholism. Have you been taking good care of yourself? You deserve better than what you've been getting from him. Have you tried alanon? That's a great place to start working on you. I started going after my breakup, and its helped me with many situations, helped me be a better mom, and helped me find peace. So sorry you're going through this, but you're not alone. Best wishes to you.

iamthird

I have felt that way many times. You deserve happiness Emmy. You need to be around people who treat you properly. You do not deserve that. Please realize you are worth so much more than you think right now. He is abusive and you have to get away from him. Telling you this is also helping me as well believe it for myself.

Find your strength in God. Go to Alanon, get counseling, do the work. Eventually it will pay off...I promise you.

Stung

YOU ARE NOT WEAK!!!

I have people call me strong all the damn time and I'm in the exact same situation as you. It is hard! To have survived this as long as you already have is nothing short of amazing! Try to detach from his hatefulness. Here they call what he's doing "quacking." And say its more a symptom of alcoholism rather than how he actually feels. I know its hard but don't take his words to heart. He's projecting his feelings about himself on to you.

You are strong and good! Don't forget that!

EmmyG

Thank you so much. I'm sobbing right now. I went to look at an apartment today and it was awful. And I came home and I found myself trying to convince him that we should stay a family. He told me I bring out the worst in him and that I oppress him so much and I'll never change. He said he would rather die than live another day in our dysfunction. I just don't understand my own heart. Why do I feel any loyalty toward him? He's so mean to me. I know I have oppressed him but it's because I'm always trying to keep him from drinking. I hate how I've become too.

amy55

Emmy dear, stop it. He beat you enough. You sound like me a long time ago. You did nothing wrong. He was trying to blame you for his inadequacies. Please listen to us. You are a good person, and he is trying to blame you for whatever is wrong with him on you.

HopefulinFLA

Emmy, I believe there is a strong woman inside you! Maybe you haven't met her yet, or maybe she's been suppressed by the emotional abuse your AH doles out. If you focus on YOU and the happiness you deserve I think she'll start to make an appearance.

One day at a time Emmy. We believe in you. You deserve so much better.

Have you tried Alanon? I think you might get a lot out of it.

HealingWillCome

Emmy, I'm sorry you're hurting. He's abusive and you don't deserve that abuse. You do not deserve it.

Often times we buy into the crap that it's our fault because we're terrified to be left by someone we love. It's called a fear of abandonment. We think that if someone doesn't find us worthy enough to love and stick around for, then it must be our fault.

This is NOT YOUR FAULT. Abuse is not okay. He is abusing you and you do not deserve it. What you deserve is a relationship where you are loved and cherished and he does not appear to be capable of that kind of love.

For him to leave you would be a blessing. A better step would be for you to remove yourself first. Safely. He sounds scary. Bless you, Emmy.

Hammer

ahhhh, so YOU also are an Oppressor, Controller, Standing on Their Throat . . . Keeping Them Down (yeah, have heard all this crap, too) Person who is Solely Responsible for Their Problems and Addictions?

I swear, with all THAT to do, where do we even find time to go to the bathroom?

As for why *we* will put up with most any measure of this crap? Dunno for you. Sorta know for me. Roles.

Roles. I am running the "I wanta be a Godly Man, Godly Father, Godly Husband, Godly Servant" Program. Seems like that would-be Godly guy will put up with most any ungodly measure of total crap. Kinda dumb guy in that regard.

Maybe I should just be human and stop taking crap. Maybe you, too.

amy55

Emmy, I was not one of those strong people. I think there are many here the weren't.

We are here with you now. Whatever strenght we didn't have then, we are giving that to you now.

Just picture us huddling, giving each other hugs, that is what you need now, not that name calling and putting you down.

I'm here for you.

amy55

Emmy, I always wanted to be the person to blame, because then I felt that I could do something to fix things. I couldn't. I tried, you tried. You did the best you could. What did he do?

firebolt

"You're not listening to a human being speaking, you're hearing a disease trying to protect itself.*"

Yes...this....exactly.

The truth is that he would rather die than face is disease...and if you aren't enabling him, then you are trying to make him do just that. Hugs to you! You deserve so much more. Let him let you go so you can get it!

amy55

I can feel you crying, I can feel you worrying, I can feel everything for you. I've been there.

I don't know what to say to you right now to wipe your tears away.

I am just happy that you have a place to share this with. I didn't when I was going through this. You are here, and there are so many people that love you and care about you.

So, please Emmy don't put yourself down anymore, just remember that he is drunk and how he feels about himself is what he is telling you about you. It's projection.

amy55

Emmy, you don't even need to respond to any of this. Just know that we love you.

amy55

Emmy just know that you are strong, probably stronger then some that are here. Stronger then me, in fact. I left, not because I feared him hurting me anymore, I was immuned to that. I thought I would hurt him. That is how strong my anger got.

EmmyG

I just feel such a deep sadness. I have my sister and that's pretty much it. When I left my religion, I lost every friend I had. So my sense of worth and self was already damaged. Now I have given him 7 years and two kids and I feel like I'm losing my family and my home. I don't understand why he has to hurt me this way, and hurt the boys. I've been there for him at his lowest points. I've never betrayed him, no matter what he's put me through. I always looked for the good. Now he can just discard me this way. It makes me feel like garbage.

amy55

Emmy,

You have us now, and you will always have us.

My ex did the same thing to me. He called me that c word. He also was physically abuvise. But the words hurt the most. I was a nothing.

I'm telling you right now, you are a beautiful, intelligent, loving, caring person. Wish I could tell you this face to face.

Erase those horrible things that he is saying about you. Listen to us. We love you.

amy55

Don't go thru that horrible spiral of hating yourself. I've been there, it's not a happy place. I remember the abyss. I remember drowning, as you might feel that you are doing now. Just know, that later on, I came to know that feeling as the end. Guess it was a grieving thing.

I got better. I left. Got my own house. Love myself now.

You know I didn't really know what "love myself" meant. It means being happy with you.

amy55

If you are still here, just say "Hi". Don't need to say much more. Just know we love you. I do know how you are feeling right now.

amy55

Like the wind, the earth, the breath was just sucked out of you. Been there, will be there for you.