fairlyuncertain

There's nothing wrong with you. Alcoholism is confusing and mystifying. It hurts the people around the alcoholic, a lot.

It's better for my sanity if I'm away from my exA. Because I value that "weak" part of me, that cares about people and is sensitive. And I won't put that part of me on the tracks in front of a freight train!!

It is so confusing to feel pity, relief, love, fear, disgust, loyalty, self-hate, anger, and every other emotion, all triggered by this one person. It's unhealthy. Maybe it would build character to stick around and try to toughen up, but I don't think I have it in me. I'm already stronger than I ever thought I could be.

I think its kindness, and compassion, and a gut sense that A's have a long difficult road ahead that make detachment so painful--we want to help, but don't know how.
Good things happen when we can celebrate our vulnerabilities, and maintain a healthy perspective about alcoholics. Al-anon helped me see that. I wish you luck!!

Seren

EmmyG

You know all those horrible things that your mind is telling you right now? Well they're all wrong! So stop it!!

It's OK that you don't have all of the answers and the perfect plan right now. One small step at a time!

m1k3

The reason it's so hard is because the person who put the most into the relationship has the most to lose.

I know I put my heart and soul into it my relationship with my AW and separating from her was very painful.

Your friend,

ShootingStar1

Emmy, when you feel and believe these awful things about yourself, you are hearing HIS VOICE in your head.

Sometimes when we, and I count myself in this, have been so badly emotionally abused and brainwashed and gaslighted, we no longer remember how to see life through our own lense.

We start seeing life through our abuser's eyes, including adopting their definition of us as our definition of ourself.

This is not a signal that he is right and you should stay with him.

THIS IS A SIGNAL THAT YOU ARE WAY OVERDUE TO GET YOUR OWN LIFE BACK.

If you can't take moving right now, start by calling a domestic violence center and getting a counselor to talk to who will help you believe in yourself again.

Once you start to do that, you will be freer to make life decisions like moving.

Keep coming back here, PM me if you want to. My story is in the sticky "What Is Abuse", and I recently posted the stages I've gone through in my 18 months since leaving my abusive now XAH and the recovery I'm making.

It is worth it to face these terrifying self-doubts because you get to move on into self-love and all the joy that comes from making decisions for the best interests of yourself and your kids.

ShootingStar1

limbogal

Oh Emmy your post brings tears to my eyes. I was EXACTLY where you are, only he was a boyfriend and we had lived together for about five years. I was called every and I mean EVERY name in the book and then some that I had never been called by anyone, he even spat in my face and I STILL begged him to not treat me this way, not to be mean, he would look at my son and tell him his mom was useless and a fool. He hit me several times, once hard enough to cause a mild concussion and STILL I had hope I could change him, I would be the one to make him "better", if only he would stop drinking we would make it, I loved him so much, you see that I thought I could save him from himself and then everything would be okay. Any kind of abuse you could think of, I went through, including sexual, but I couldn't tell anyone because I thought it was my fault somehow, I wasnt doing enough and if I just tried a little bit harder then it would be okay, but the more I tried Emmy, the worse he became, the worse the abuse and those vile words that came out of his mouth to this day reverberate in my head. Just pure evil. He had his hands around my neck choking me and I looked into his eyes and I saw the hate, the evil, Lord I was staring right at the devil and when I got away, I sat in the bath tub and cried like everyone I loved had died. Something amazing happened to me in that bathroom Emmy, FINALLY, I had looked at him for what he was, listened and HEARD what he was telling me, that I was a worthless POS that he could do whatever to and I wouldn't say anything. Something DIED in me that night, my love for him, my fear of him, my fear of being alone, my silence, something died. But when I got out of that shower, I was no longer the person that had gone in, he lost me that day, completely I was done. And even though it took me almost another year to physically move out, I was never the same, he KNEW I wasn't the same. And it was never the same, I finally saw him for what he was, an overgrown, drunk, entitled SOB, pathetic really because to make himself feel good, he had to pick on a girl!! I'm sorry to hijack your post but I wanted to show you that it IS possible to come from the depths of hell mentally and physically as many here have and to move on, you are worth SO much more than this and YOU are stronger than you think you are, you just have to believe it yourself. Believe it for the sake of those two boys. Gentle hugs to you. We are all here for you and I will keep you in my prayers. You can do this.

JustAGirl1971

I'm so sorry, Emmy I just want to reiterate what everyone else is saying: You are NOT a weak person. You are NOT the cause of his addiction, his unhappiness, or his problems. Do you see the pronouns I've bold faced in the previous sentence? None of them are you or yours, they are HIS. You are not responsible for his addiction, his happiness, or his problems. HE is. You are a beautiful, wonderfully made person who deserves so much better than him!

I know this is really hard now, but it will get better. The theme of my last al-anon meeting was one day at a time. Just focus on one day at a time. That's 24 hours. Those 24 hours can start right now. Do something good for yourself during those 24 hours and something fun for you and your kids. I don't remember if you are in al-anon? If not, I'd highly recommend it. I've only been to a handful of meetings and honestly felt really weird at the first couple. Every single one gets easier, better, and more helpful

ETA: For the negative thoughts - do not give power to them! For every negative thought, think "is this thought really true?, is it helpful?" If the answer is NO, discard it. Do not give it power.

EmmyG

Thank you limbogal and shootingstar for sharing with me, it means a lot. I have let him make me feel so guilty for oppressing him and trying to control his drinking. When he was going over his list of my wrongs, he brought up his friend's visit when he came to stay with us for two weeks. I was apprehensive because he was a young, single, partier. Of courses husband said I had nothing to worry about. Sure enough, the first night, they took off drinking and left me there with the new baby. He ended up getting arrested 3 times during that visit. But he wanted to let me know that his friend told him I'm "manic" for getting so upset and that he should leave me and he doesn't know how he put up with me. Mind you most wives with husbands like mine would have never been supportive of the visit in the first place.

I'm just trying to play all of the horrible times over in my head instead of the good, so that I can stay strong. He says he calls me names and screams because I drive him to it, but I know that doesn't make or acceptable. He also says he knows he'll never be able to go out the front door without me worrying he's going to get in trouble and he's right. This is definitely for the best. I stayed at my parents' last night and I feel better just not being around him.

amy55

Emmy,

Need to get that blame game of his out of your head. I remember once my ex was seeing a therapist. She also wanted to see me. So I went there, and she listened to me, then told me that this is not the man that comes in to see her. That my ex really cared about me, and he didn't want me to be afraid of him, and he is working his hardest at this. So I played a recording for her when he was ripping into me. She looked surprised and said this is not the man that comes and talks to me.

Well, anyway, the next week I had another appt with her. I asked him nicely to come with me. He was already in his "mood". I guilted him into it. I told him that I don't see why I should see his therapist when he won't even go. So he came with me. I brought with me a list of 143 things that he had said was wrong with me !!!!!!!!!!!

I gave the list to the therapist. She read it, then handed it to my ex. Asked him if all of what was listed were my faults. He looked at the list, returned it to the therapist, and said he agreed with all of them, except for maybe one or two !!!!!!!!! (lol)

She then asked him if there was anything at all that I do right? He replied "no". (lol)

She told him not to bother coming back to see her because he obviously wasn't willing to look at himself and do any of the work involved, then she said to me ----- would you like to continue to come here while you go thru your divorce ? I never even mentioned divorce to her !!!!! (lol). I just responded yes, hows next week?

There were so many times that I tried to think of the bad times separate from the good times. Then when I started to think of the good times, I had to admit to myself that they weren't really good times either. My "good times" were days that I walked on eggshells, trying to not set him off, and I actually didn't that day.

See the thing is, even if he puts down the drink, he is still going to be the same.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

changeschoices

I just started a thread about my own guilt from being the partner of an alcoholic. My therapist just keeps telling me over and over again, "He made you sick." Sometimes you just have to keep saying that to yourself over and over again, because no other explanation makes any sense. Alcoholism is called a family disease for a reason. Everyone around the alcoholic gets sick, too. Sometimes as sick as he is. Sometimes even sicker. There's only one way for me to get truly better: stop being around an alcoholic.