Alcoholic wife in recovery - advice please...
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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ps - I also got the whole, "I'm quitting, I promise" lies they tell because they want to believe it but are unable to follow through with. I somehow finally managed to get AH to a doctor who does nutrition response testing. AH was honest with her (wasn't easy but it was a huge start for him) and she put him on a treatment regimen that is at least temporarily helping him to sober up and deal with life - it's still up to him, but without this he couldn't even get this far. He hasn't made it past two weeks on his own, but that's been a big improvement in itself and is now being doubled up with inpatient rehab.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: ND
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by keepingthefaith 
James, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Does your AW have insurance or the means for an inpatient rehab program? I went over this option for years without moving forward with getting AH help to that point. He kept saying he wanted to quit on his own. Thanks to this board I finally started understanding some things with how both myself and him were behaving. If he could have quit on his own, he would have a long time ago. $8-20k for rehab is a lot less then we've lost over the years due his drinking (buying, 'accidients' and medical bills, late payments on everything else, etc). We could have borrowed $$ or sold something to cover it long ago, before we were financially in this deep, but even now he has people willing to help him financially with anything insurance won't cover. The biggest problem was picking up the phone and asking for help, and that finally came down to me. Yes, the person with the problem still needs to want the help and accept it. But sometimes they can't find the way towards help unless you give that possibility to them. Me presenting AH with rehab did nothing. Having others presenting it at the right time made a difference. Of course, he isn't there yet (going tomorrow) and still needs to get through the 4 weeks, then the follow up program, and then each day of his life after that... but I'll leave all that to him and God. For my role in things are to take care of me. When I picked up the phone for help, that is exactly what I was doing.
I really appreciate all the responses and input, it's a breathe of fresh air hearing from people who understand the situation. It's been a lot more complicated with young children involved.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi James, it can't have been a very happy time for you over Christmas. I'm really sorry that after 7 years she has relapsed 3 times that you know of. A big red flag for me was that she doesn't want to go to rehab, and says meetings are enough for her. NOT. I wouldn't be surprised if she's drinking secretly, because rehab would stop her doing that, and meetings won't. I'd be interested to see if she'd pass a surprise breathalyser test.
I suppose the urgent thing for you is quarantining her from driving the kids. If she's secretly drinking others won't necessarily pick that she's over the limit. If possibly I would suggest getting the vehicle fitted with a device that requires her to blow before and during the trip. Otherwise you may have to arrange someone to drop off and collect the kids on a regular basis (maybe another mother who needs a couple of extra $$$).
Then you'll have a bit more space to consider the long term future of your relationship.
I suppose the urgent thing for you is quarantining her from driving the kids. If she's secretly drinking others won't necessarily pick that she's over the limit. If possibly I would suggest getting the vehicle fitted with a device that requires her to blow before and during the trip. Otherwise you may have to arrange someone to drop off and collect the kids on a regular basis (maybe another mother who needs a couple of extra $$$).
Then you'll have a bit more space to consider the long term future of your relationship.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
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James, as sad as it seems, I have to say (as an alcoholic) there are no guarantees that (we) will stay sober. Even with a lot (20+) of sober years in NYC, when I moved to my current location I relapsed, and relapsed, and relapsed...
3 rehab stints later I feel I am on firm ground again and doing all I can to insure that. I cannot take credit for getting myself to rehab 3x; each time it was my bf insisting that I go or move out. (Obviously he relented 2x, but I don't want to test his forgiveness after a third rehab, besides I like myself again!.)
That said, if I can stay recovered I bring a lot to our relationship, and to both of us. I do not want to lose "me" again. So.... I guess I would encourage you to insist that your wife go to rehab again. It may work.
3 rehab stints later I feel I am on firm ground again and doing all I can to insure that. I cannot take credit for getting myself to rehab 3x; each time it was my bf insisting that I go or move out. (Obviously he relented 2x, but I don't want to test his forgiveness after a third rehab, besides I like myself again!.)
That said, if I can stay recovered I bring a lot to our relationship, and to both of us. I do not want to lose "me" again. So.... I guess I would encourage you to insist that your wife go to rehab again. It may work.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
It is so extremely painful to have to make decisions that your heart rejects, mourns, decries. For me, it was as if the heart of me was dying, but to survive at all, I had to choose to leave my abusive AH of 20 years.
And it is harder when you have young children, yet in some ways the external circumstances make it difficult to ignore what you need to do.
People here on SR have talked about thinking through your priorities. Hammer often says that his #1 priority is his children, his #2 priority is himself so that he can take care of his children, and way down the list is #3, his dysfunctional wife.
For me, the desires of my heart to stay with a husband, a home, a life I had chosen and initially cherished, had to be put second to my need to escape the abusive behavior, isolation, and loss of self that I was enduring.
Your fear of you wife injuring your children, and the narrow escape you all had from that happening, can be the event that triggers you head to make the decision that will protect your children. Even when your heart aches, and your regrets over the loss of a marriage, a family, a dream, overfill your being.
Maybe make a list of your priorities, make a list of the pros and cons of staying or leaving, and read it with your head, not your heart.
Much empathy and compassion coming your way,
ShootingStar1
And it is harder when you have young children, yet in some ways the external circumstances make it difficult to ignore what you need to do.
People here on SR have talked about thinking through your priorities. Hammer often says that his #1 priority is his children, his #2 priority is himself so that he can take care of his children, and way down the list is #3, his dysfunctional wife.
For me, the desires of my heart to stay with a husband, a home, a life I had chosen and initially cherished, had to be put second to my need to escape the abusive behavior, isolation, and loss of self that I was enduring.
Your fear of you wife injuring your children, and the narrow escape you all had from that happening, can be the event that triggers you head to make the decision that will protect your children. Even when your heart aches, and your regrets over the loss of a marriage, a family, a dream, overfill your being.
Maybe make a list of your priorities, make a list of the pros and cons of staying or leaving, and read it with your head, not your heart.
Much empathy and compassion coming your way,
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: ND
Posts: 9
CPS has told her she is only allowed around the children when supervised and is not allowed to operate a vehicle with children in it while they complete their investigation. I am not sure what to expect when they finish up but this is a good start. She is in the process of moving out so we can take a break and she can prove her sobriety to us.
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