Jameswrs

I will not bore you with too many details.....wife has been an active alcoholic for approx. 7yrs. She decided to go to my sons school with my 2 yrold in the truck completely wasted...crashed into a tree made it home with many witnesses police didn't catch her.....enters rehab gets out relapses 1 month later and picks daughter up at daycare drunk....makes it home again doesn't get caught. CPS was notified both times and are doing another investigation. She hasn't drank since last incident, is on Antabuse and attending meetings....swears she will never drink again etc.....blah blah, please provide your thoughts on what I should do, is sobriety for life a real option? I will be living constantly worrying about this happening and someone dying. What would you do under these circumstances???
Thanks

JustAGirl1971

My first concern would be with your children. Do whatever you need to do to ensure their safety! You have to decide what your boundaries are but mine would probably be not being alone with the children when she's drinking, and no driving them anywhere, period. Sober or not sober. I'm sure CPS will also suggest some boundaries and resources for you. Aside from that, I'd highly recommend counseling or a support group like Al-Anon or Celebrate Recovery for you, if you're not already doing those.

And, yes, abstinence for life is definitely an option, if she chooses it. But, that's the thing, you can't choose it for her, nor can you convince her to choose it for herself. Only she can do that.

Welcome. I'm sorry you have to join the club.

getthere

Well if it was me,i would make sure she could NOT take child from daycare ,and would be doing my best to protect child.I had to stop getting into car with my EX,and also told my adult daughter not to get into car, he was drinking in secret,so was hard to know if he had alcohol in him at times.In my opinion an alcoholic will tell tell you anything they want,except the truth.How would you feel if your child was even in a minor accident with your wife.

Stung

My first suggestion is to either look into having her license revoked/suspended, taking her vehicle away or separating so that your kids will no longer have to be in a position to driven by a drunk parent.

I have a 2 year old and a 5 month old and my alcoholic husband is currently not welcome to be in our home until he's been sober for 30 days after he verbally abused our 2 year old. Put your foot down dad. If this behavior isn't okay with you (I'm sure it's not) then tell your wife so and set some boundaries. My husband can abuse himself all he wants, but when his poor choices start effecting our kids that's where I draw the line.

ShootingStar1

As difficult as it may be emotionally and logistically, I would not leave any of your children alone in her care, and I would never allow her to drive with them in the car.

As a father, your first responsibility is the safety of your children, not your wife's addiction, feelings, recovery or relapse.

What arrangements can you make immediately to get a responsible caregiver in your house when you cannot personally be there? Do you have family who can help? You need to do this first and foremost so that you know your children are safe. CPS has a legal responsibility to see that this is done, and if it isn't, they will have no choice but to remove your children from your wife and your care. Far better that you see this as the emergency that it is, and get short term interventional child care. Then you have bought a bit of time to look into more long term care for your kids.

This must be overwhelming and terrifying, and I am so sorry that you are in this situation. There are quite a few dads of younger children here on this forum, and I am sure they will be along shortly to offer you support and share their coping strategies.

As for your wife's addiction, the first thing here on SoberRecovery tell spouses is the 3 C's:

You didn't cause it
You can't control it, and
You can't cure it.

People here say of their alcoholic: Watch their ACTIONS, don't listen to their words. Until your wife has a sustained recovery and commits herself body and soul to sobriety and does the work required to stay sober, I would,myself, not trust her alone with the children. Good intentions, as you so sorely know after her recent car crash, can turn tragic.

Please come here as often as you need; you'll find a wealth of experience, compassion, and support.

ShootingStar1

Jameswrs

I have set my own conditions....she needs to be supervised for the next while with the kids and she is not to drive with them at all....I would like this to be indefinitely but I know that's not possible but CPS will hopefully put conditions on her. I keep reliving the thought that someone could have died especially my child. The big question I guess is whether I am able to handle another relapse whether it's in 1,2 or 10yrs and if it was to involve a child and drinking and driving how I would ever beable to cope with that.its hard to live day to day and not think about the future

Stung

I hope your wife stays sober and doesn't ever have another relapse. It's difficult to not allow your partner to be alone with your kids but hopefully with sustained sobriety things will improve for you guys.

I have no advice in regards to the anxiety in worrying about the future, especially as it pertains to kids. That's something I'm struggling with too. The burden of having to protect your children from their other parent is not easy.

BoxinRotz

She's an alcoholic. There will always be an option for round 2, 6, 9, and 14 if she wants to take it that far. You don't have to though. You can take the children and just leave when you've had enough of her alcoholic ******** of endangerment, not only to her but your precious children and everyone in her path.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard, I'm done! I'm never doing this again, only to head into... What round is this?!!! You'll either dig deep and find a way to deal with it and accept the consequences of being married to an alcoholic or, cut your losses, pack the children and get the hell out of her way!

The consequences can and will be dire though. Are you willing to pay them?

Jameswrs

Those are the questions that are running through my mind all day everyday. Should I cut this off now and move on or stick around and always be waiting for that phone call.
I know for sure I would have my kids for the first while but my lawyer tells me that the courts will trust her way before I ever will and I have to be prepared to eventually have them going to her place spending the night etc....I guess that's aways down the road but still it creates so much unnecessary anxiety

Jameswrs

So Christmas Day my wife decides to drink again....I confront her at the family party and she admits it and leaves.... The promises keep coming today that she will never drink again, she is calling her sponsor everyday, meetings etc....does this misery ever end? Or do I just end it?

BunnyNest

I am so sorry.

It is often said here that a separation for one year of solid recovery for both the alcoholic and the codependent is beneficial.

I had to be away from my alcoholic loved one for several months before I started to get a handle on my own recovery.

Please put yourself and your kiddos first.

Hammer

You have some miles ahead of you.

From just stopping to Return to Sanity can be some months or year(s).

Would suggest you make some long term plans that do not depend on her being sober or not.

Not saying anything about End It, or not.

Just get you and the kids set up, so that whichever way she goes -- you and the kids do not have to.

Carlotta

Well she just did and for all you know could have been driving around with your babies. Those two things were VERY serious: she crashed in a tree with your child while drunk and did it again and got CPS involved in your life still she chose to drink on Christmas day of all days???
What is more valuable to you? What is left of your marriage? Your hopes for a miraculous change and happily ever after? or the lives of your children?

Carlotta

Busted! Of course she'll say anything to pacify you, until next time...

Jameswrs

It's so painful and seems like such any easy decision to just leave but it's not. It consumes me and i always feel like I need one more incident or her to relapse and then I'm out..... But I can't get myself to do it. Feel like I'm on the diving board but need to be pushed to dive in

Carlotta

I understand. I stayed in a relationship with a physically abusive drunk. Looking back I am completely amazed by it, who was that person? Not me.
Do you have face to face support? Friends you could talk to and who would support you? Are you going to Al Anon? I don't know how I would have gotten the strength to get rid of Ed if it was not for the Al Anon program and fellowship.

Jameswrs

I have face to face support but just need to find it in me to do it. I know in 6 mths/ yr I will be looking back at me saying the same thing...just need to pull the trigger I guess and that's the hardest part

Springs

I am so sorry you are going through this. Have you tried al-anon? I have found it to be essential in helping me deal with the impacts of my husband's alcoholism.

Hopeworks

You could have a blow machine installed in her vehicle... she can't drive drunk. There are other devices now available to insure that parents are sober.... one is handheld and alerts the A that they have to blow within 4 seconds and it takes their picture and gps location and texts results to wherever was set up with the company. It could be the other parent or the court depending on if the A is cooperating on proving sobriety if they want to be a caretaker for children.

So sad.... it always amazes that anyone would drive impaired these days... not only can you kill others and yourself but you are facing long terms in prison if you harm someone while drunk.

Mango blast

James, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Does your AW have insurance or the means for an inpatient rehab program? I went over this option for years without moving forward with getting AH help to that point. He kept saying he wanted to quit on his own. Thanks to this board I finally started understanding some things with how both myself and him were behaving. If he could have quit on his own, he would have a long time ago. $8-20k for rehab is a lot less then we've lost over the years due his drinking (buying, 'accidients' and medical bills, late payments on everything else, etc). We could have borrowed $$ or sold something to cover it long ago, before we were financially in this deep, but even now he has people willing to help him financially with anything insurance won't cover. The biggest problem was picking up the phone and asking for help, and that finally came down to me. Yes, the person with the problem still needs to want the help and accept it. But sometimes they can't find the way towards help unless you give that possibility to them. Me presenting AH with rehab did nothing. Having others presenting it at the right time made a difference. Of course, he isn't there yet (going tomorrow) and still needs to get through the 4 weeks, then the follow up program, and then each day of his life after that... but I'll leave all that to him and God. For my role in things are to take care of me. When I picked up the phone for help, that is exactly what I was doing.