cgfox

He's been out of control for a while, and I was there to witness it... and live it. He can't even recognize what he's done to me. And even with all that, I'm struggling and afraid of how worse it could get. Why? What is so wrong with me that I can't just walk away? I can't stop thinking about him, about everything. It's constantly in my head.

hopeful4

Because you are codependent. You have to get help FOR YOU. Stop worrying about him...he is not. Think of it this way, do you think he is nearly as worried about your recovery and what happens to YOU and YOUR well being if he would leave you? Do you think he is worried as this is spiraling out of control for you? Doubt it. He is worrying about how it affects HIM. Big difference. Manipulation.

It is just my opinion, but in cases like this where you are so codependent I think it is better not to speak to them at all. You are unable to develop boundaries right now so you are falling into a codependent trap. It's just my opinion but I recognize it as I have been there myself.

Please find Alanon or Celebrate Recovery and develop a face to face support system FOR YOU. Get therapy FOR YOU.

cgfox

Something else I needed to be reminded off. Thank you. I'm glad I went back to France. I did it in a hurry, and I regret doing so because I wanted to talk to him face to face (a little more than I did). I left some stuffs there, too. But it's only belongings, and I'll get over it.
Talking face to face would have just make me stay. He knows that, and I know it too.

I searched Alanon (I don't think Celebrate Recovery exists here). Most of the meetings are at night in the capital, and I need like 1h30 to go there, so I don't see how it's going to work. They have some online meetings too, so I might just try that for now. There's one today actually (in a couple hours), so I will try it.

SpringsEternal

I too, am very much in my head about my situation hun. It makes us 2 of an uncountable many. And I tend to feel at least a little comfort in knowing that. There is rarely a moment that goes by that I am not thinking of some aspect of this messed up situation I'm in. Worry worry worry ....then worry some more. The voracious codependent in me even imagines she is smelling alcohol, when it is merely hand sanitizer.....my senses are so heightened in that regard as my other 9-5 job is determining whether he has drank or not.
I'm also the victim of nice little mind f*** from my struggling AH. He often urges me to leave, as he hates to see me in pain because of his dependence. But in his next breath, he implies he will 'end it all' if I leave him...classic alcoholic quackery.
There is nothing wrong with you...the wrong, is with him. You are merely reacting in a way that so many of us do. It's a lot of work to detach. One thing to say the word, but quite another to put it into practice. Immerse yourself in caring for you. I realize this too, is easier said than done. Talking it out with others in similar situations is a good start.
We CAN love and care from a safe distance. Let him feel the sting of his consequences.

cgfox

SringsEternal I hear you, it also helps me to know I'm not the only one. Somehow, I feel less alone in my struggle.
My ex/bf has been telling me I need to get my sh*t together, but that he needs to know I'm not playing games with him etc when I say I love him. I feel like he's the one to have been playing a game I didn't know the rules about (or that had no rule at all).
I've heard the quackery stuffs from him (I don't want to live without you/ life has no meaning).

cgfox

Sorry for the double post,

I attended a Al-anon online meeting yesterday. I'm not so sure how it went. We were 5, and they were really nice and welcoming.
After two of them talked, the lady in charge asked again who wanted to talk. I said I didn't mind but wasn't sure what to say. One of them asked me why I joined. I explained the situation I'm in -codependency, trying to focus on me, but wanted to go back to him etc.

After that, the one in charge (of turning over the speaking) put me aside and told me meetings were for people that loved alcoholics, and since I was on the verge of leaving him, well, I didn't really fit.
I'm kinda confused now.