Trying to get support. Lost. Letting go?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 39
Trying to get support. Lost. Letting go?
Hello,
I'm new here... I would have probably not acted the same way if I had come here a few months ago. Truth is I was afraid of what I was going to hear.
Anyway. I'm having trouble letting go. Part of me doesn't want to, but deep down I know I can't live like this anymore. I packed everything and left him.
Let's go back to the beginning. It's gonna be long...
I'm 27, he's 45. He has quite a background (jail time). He has a drinking problem -had it since he was a kid really. He's also using. He's been drinking/using for a long time, but has had sober/clean periods as well. He has ADHD (and even though I denied it for a few months, wet brain). We have been dating for almost two years. We were engaged. I knew about his addictions before we started going out (we had been friends for 4 months, he wasn't drinking then -I learned after a while he was using though). He stopped doing coke when we started going out. But he was still drinking every day and it was worse during the weekends.
When he started using coke again, I was devastated. It was about a month after we started going out. He broke up with me. I thought I was doing something wrong. But I wasn't. He came back to me after a week, told me he "let me go" because he didn't want to hurt me, because he didn't think I could live this life. I told him it was my choice -and that I wanted to stay with him and fight with him. I thought I could do it. I guess he was right...
Time passed, and we went from periods where he drank every day to drinking every few day, to using every day for a week, to using every fridays. He also had times where it happened only every three months. I was leaving in fear of what was going to happen. Every friday I talked myself into thinking I was going to react just fine when it was going to happen, and every friday night I would end up crying in bed.
At first he started arguments, pushed my buttons just so he could feel better using. After a few months, he would just tell me he was going to use, and I said stuffs like "You know I'm not agreeing with this -but you made your choice already".
He told me repeatedly I had great power over him, and if I told him "coke or me" he would choose me. But I told him I didn't believe in ultimatum.
He had a very bad period last winter and got high every day for about a week. He was upset, very angry at life. Nothing else mattered. Then he stopped. Life went on. Not great, but better.
Three months ago, he got sick (couldn't breathe) He was high everyday every two weeks. We kept yelling at each other. We didn't talk to each other really. That second week it happened, I told him it was coke or me. He chose coke.
After that, I became obsessed by what he was doing -not so much the drinking. As long as he could work, he wasn't drinking that much. But if the weather was bad and he didn't work for the day, then it was another issue entirely. I was afraid his heart would give up on him. I was going to college, and he would walk me to the doors. I wasn't in the building that I could see him calling someone and going to the bank next door. I knew what he was up to. It was like that almost every time he wasn't working and I had class. I'm not even talking about the lies that went with it.
I also had told him that I couldn't see myself marrying him because of everything that was happening.
He had made me promise I would tell him if something was wrong, so we could fix it. He made me promise not to leave him without giving him the chance to do something about it. So I told him. I told him what I thought was true: I am lost, I don't know what to do anymore to help you. I am afraid to lose you but I am not happy. I worry I'm going to find you dead in the bathroom.
After 3 or 4 trips to the ER doctors finally saw he had blood clots in both his lungs. Obviously drinking is making things worse for the meds to settle. His heart is weakened because he used it too much when he couldn't breathe -and i'm not even talking about doing coke.
So anyway, two weeks ago we had another argument. We were going to take a shower when he asked me, like he had asked me every day for the past week, if I was "going to stick with him or not". I asked him to stop pressuring me. He said there was "no f*cking pressure", that he wanted to move on but he needed to know that I was going to be with him for the rest of my life or not. I couldn't. I was upset that he wasn't seeing 'my side' of the story. I said something like "maybe I should pack my bags then". He took the cash we had, and left home. I knew what he was going to do.
He came back around eleven, high and drunk. First he ignored me, then when he started talking to me, I thought I could talk. But he wouldn't hear what I was trying to tell him.
The next day, he told me he was going directly to the dr's office after work so he wouldn't see me. I thought he wanted me gone. So i packed everything.
But he changed his mind (his phone was broken, so we had no may of staying in touch for the past two weeks). He came back around 2PM and I was getting my suitcases out of the house. I had been crying my eyes out for so long, but it seemed like I couldn't stop crying.
I saw him later that night, his son was coming for the weekend and I wanted to talk to him. I was (still am) very close to both his kids. I saw him too, and we talked. He said he knew I was doing the right thing. The next day, his daughter asked me to come say goodbye and I did. I saw him then too, he was so high it broke my heart again. I know the stress of me leaving pushed him that way.
I tried not to cry, told him I was sorry and I loved him. He told me he love me too.
We kept in touch through his daughter, and a neighbor that let me call on her phone so we could talk. When he got a new phone, we talked every day. But he acted like everything was okay, when it wasn't. I hadn't left because I had to (visa -I'm French) but because I was codependent and also because he didn't pay attention to me anymore -and I was so depressed I didn't even want to get out of bed. Being a foreigner with no friend there didn't help the situation. I finally told him (it wasn't the first time but it seems like he genuinely doesn't remember) that I had left because I couldn't live this life anymore. That he was miserable with me, drinking way too much and getting high every chance he got. He told me "he wasn't gonna do this. goodbye". I haven't heard from him since.
I left him. I did what I thought I needed to do to protect myself. I was becoming somebody I didn't like. But I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop hoping he's going to call me. After all that, I still can't imagine my life without him.
My post is way too long. I just needed to share what happened somehow.
I'm new here... I would have probably not acted the same way if I had come here a few months ago. Truth is I was afraid of what I was going to hear.
Anyway. I'm having trouble letting go. Part of me doesn't want to, but deep down I know I can't live like this anymore. I packed everything and left him.
Let's go back to the beginning. It's gonna be long...
I'm 27, he's 45. He has quite a background (jail time). He has a drinking problem -had it since he was a kid really. He's also using. He's been drinking/using for a long time, but has had sober/clean periods as well. He has ADHD (and even though I denied it for a few months, wet brain). We have been dating for almost two years. We were engaged. I knew about his addictions before we started going out (we had been friends for 4 months, he wasn't drinking then -I learned after a while he was using though). He stopped doing coke when we started going out. But he was still drinking every day and it was worse during the weekends.
When he started using coke again, I was devastated. It was about a month after we started going out. He broke up with me. I thought I was doing something wrong. But I wasn't. He came back to me after a week, told me he "let me go" because he didn't want to hurt me, because he didn't think I could live this life. I told him it was my choice -and that I wanted to stay with him and fight with him. I thought I could do it. I guess he was right...
Time passed, and we went from periods where he drank every day to drinking every few day, to using every day for a week, to using every fridays. He also had times where it happened only every three months. I was leaving in fear of what was going to happen. Every friday I talked myself into thinking I was going to react just fine when it was going to happen, and every friday night I would end up crying in bed.
At first he started arguments, pushed my buttons just so he could feel better using. After a few months, he would just tell me he was going to use, and I said stuffs like "You know I'm not agreeing with this -but you made your choice already".
He told me repeatedly I had great power over him, and if I told him "coke or me" he would choose me. But I told him I didn't believe in ultimatum.
He had a very bad period last winter and got high every day for about a week. He was upset, very angry at life. Nothing else mattered. Then he stopped. Life went on. Not great, but better.
Three months ago, he got sick (couldn't breathe) He was high everyday every two weeks. We kept yelling at each other. We didn't talk to each other really. That second week it happened, I told him it was coke or me. He chose coke.
After that, I became obsessed by what he was doing -not so much the drinking. As long as he could work, he wasn't drinking that much. But if the weather was bad and he didn't work for the day, then it was another issue entirely. I was afraid his heart would give up on him. I was going to college, and he would walk me to the doors. I wasn't in the building that I could see him calling someone and going to the bank next door. I knew what he was up to. It was like that almost every time he wasn't working and I had class. I'm not even talking about the lies that went with it.
I also had told him that I couldn't see myself marrying him because of everything that was happening.
He had made me promise I would tell him if something was wrong, so we could fix it. He made me promise not to leave him without giving him the chance to do something about it. So I told him. I told him what I thought was true: I am lost, I don't know what to do anymore to help you. I am afraid to lose you but I am not happy. I worry I'm going to find you dead in the bathroom.
After 3 or 4 trips to the ER doctors finally saw he had blood clots in both his lungs. Obviously drinking is making things worse for the meds to settle. His heart is weakened because he used it too much when he couldn't breathe -and i'm not even talking about doing coke.
So anyway, two weeks ago we had another argument. We were going to take a shower when he asked me, like he had asked me every day for the past week, if I was "going to stick with him or not". I asked him to stop pressuring me. He said there was "no f*cking pressure", that he wanted to move on but he needed to know that I was going to be with him for the rest of my life or not. I couldn't. I was upset that he wasn't seeing 'my side' of the story. I said something like "maybe I should pack my bags then". He took the cash we had, and left home. I knew what he was going to do.
He came back around eleven, high and drunk. First he ignored me, then when he started talking to me, I thought I could talk. But he wouldn't hear what I was trying to tell him.
The next day, he told me he was going directly to the dr's office after work so he wouldn't see me. I thought he wanted me gone. So i packed everything.
But he changed his mind (his phone was broken, so we had no may of staying in touch for the past two weeks). He came back around 2PM and I was getting my suitcases out of the house. I had been crying my eyes out for so long, but it seemed like I couldn't stop crying.
I saw him later that night, his son was coming for the weekend and I wanted to talk to him. I was (still am) very close to both his kids. I saw him too, and we talked. He said he knew I was doing the right thing. The next day, his daughter asked me to come say goodbye and I did. I saw him then too, he was so high it broke my heart again. I know the stress of me leaving pushed him that way.
I tried not to cry, told him I was sorry and I loved him. He told me he love me too.
We kept in touch through his daughter, and a neighbor that let me call on her phone so we could talk. When he got a new phone, we talked every day. But he acted like everything was okay, when it wasn't. I hadn't left because I had to (visa -I'm French) but because I was codependent and also because he didn't pay attention to me anymore -and I was so depressed I didn't even want to get out of bed. Being a foreigner with no friend there didn't help the situation. I finally told him (it wasn't the first time but it seems like he genuinely doesn't remember) that I had left because I couldn't live this life anymore. That he was miserable with me, drinking way too much and getting high every chance he got. He told me "he wasn't gonna do this. goodbye". I haven't heard from him since.
I left him. I did what I thought I needed to do to protect myself. I was becoming somebody I didn't like. But I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop hoping he's going to call me. After all that, I still can't imagine my life without him.
My post is way too long. I just needed to share what happened somehow.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Not too long. Thank you for sharing your story and welcome to SR. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope in these boards, provided by a lot of people who have been where you are and come out the other side, as well as a lot of folks still going through stuff.
For what its worth, leaving him to protect yourself is a good thing that isn't always going to feel good. You have to take of you. Now is a great opportunity to get to know yourself, to examine your codependent tendencies outside the pressures of this relationship. You don't want to get involved with another addict, I'm sure, but a lot of us do when we don't take the time to learn to be our own best friend.
Wishing you strength and courage. Welcome.
For what its worth, leaving him to protect yourself is a good thing that isn't always going to feel good. You have to take of you. Now is a great opportunity to get to know yourself, to examine your codependent tendencies outside the pressures of this relationship. You don't want to get involved with another addict, I'm sure, but a lot of us do when we don't take the time to learn to be our own best friend.
Wishing you strength and courage. Welcome.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 39
Thanks for your answer SparkleKitty.
It sure doesn't feel good. But I didn't know what else to do. I didn't see the point of being together -miserable, that is.
He's a great guy and I want him to be happy and get clean/sober. I thought I would be the one. He told me I was making him happy, but I didn't see that in our everyday life. Lately nothing else but drinking and drugging mattered to him. He didn't notice I was depressed (barely getting out of bed, not doing anything), or not laughing anymore.
I can't help thinking and trying to find ways to make it work. When I know he should be the one finding ways. I'm battling between my heart and my head.
It sure doesn't feel good. But I didn't know what else to do. I didn't see the point of being together -miserable, that is.
He's a great guy and I want him to be happy and get clean/sober. I thought I would be the one. He told me I was making him happy, but I didn't see that in our everyday life. Lately nothing else but drinking and drugging mattered to him. He didn't notice I was depressed (barely getting out of bed, not doing anything), or not laughing anymore.
I can't help thinking and trying to find ways to make it work. When I know he should be the one finding ways. I'm battling between my heart and my head.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
cgfox, I can tell you I see a lot of strength in your posts. Some people (myself included) live in a state of denial for a very very long time, unable to separate the fantasy relationship that exists only in their mind with the real relationship (or lack thereof) in front of them. It is natural to be fighting the battle you're fighting. From my perspective, you have the edge because you are able to see that what you were experiencing didn't match what he was saying.
I hope he finds he way to recovery some day. I hope they all do. And for us on the other side, I hope we all find a way to take care of ourselves and treat ourselves with love and kindness.
I hope he finds he way to recovery some day. I hope they all do. And for us on the other side, I hope we all find a way to take care of ourselves and treat ourselves with love and kindness.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I had to separate the FACTS from all the emotional baggage.
The writing was on the wall the whole time, I chose to ignore it.
The fact of the matter, he was an addict and had nothing to offer.
Unfortunately love and addiction cannot co-exist together. ( love cannot thrive in addiction)
I could not allow my heart to keep climbing aboard the crazy train with him.
Be fair to yourself here, there really is nothing you can do for him, so why not do the next best thing, and start taking better care of YOU!
The writing was on the wall the whole time, I chose to ignore it.
The fact of the matter, he was an addict and had nothing to offer.
Unfortunately love and addiction cannot co-exist together. ( love cannot thrive in addiction)
I could not allow my heart to keep climbing aboard the crazy train with him.
Be fair to yourself here, there really is nothing you can do for him, so why not do the next best thing, and start taking better care of YOU!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 39
SparkleKitty your words had great impact on me. Thank you.
I don't feel strong at all. I know I have to be to have done what I did. But I don't. I just want to go to bed and have him wrap his arms around me, and tell me everything's gonna be okay.
I know what I want and what is possible.... is two very different things. I can't stop crying over it.
Marie1960 I can't say he had nothing to offer. I knew what issues he had when we starting going out -yes he made me promises he couldn't keep... But he did love me like no one did before. I have good memories of us that I want to cherish. And little things too, like the fact that we always cooked together.
You made some very good points.
I'm just trying to keep my head together enough so I don't try to go back to him (not sure he would let me -from his point of view I'm the bad/guilty one that didn't want to stick with him, didn't want to go to hell and back with him). In his head everything is my fault because I left HIM. But he had left me before I did, when he stopped focusing on getting better, and getting help.
Should have I stayed until he 'came' back to me? Then, I would just have been waiting for the time it was going to happen again....I know it. It's not a way to live, right?
I don't feel strong at all. I know I have to be to have done what I did. But I don't. I just want to go to bed and have him wrap his arms around me, and tell me everything's gonna be okay.
I know what I want and what is possible.... is two very different things. I can't stop crying over it.
Marie1960 I can't say he had nothing to offer. I knew what issues he had when we starting going out -yes he made me promises he couldn't keep... But he did love me like no one did before. I have good memories of us that I want to cherish. And little things too, like the fact that we always cooked together.
You made some very good points.
I'm just trying to keep my head together enough so I don't try to go back to him (not sure he would let me -from his point of view I'm the bad/guilty one that didn't want to stick with him, didn't want to go to hell and back with him). In his head everything is my fault because I left HIM. But he had left me before I did, when he stopped focusing on getting better, and getting help.
Should have I stayed until he 'came' back to me? Then, I would just have been waiting for the time it was going to happen again....I know it. It's not a way to live, right?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,411
You did the right thing cgfox;
I think in your heart you know this though of course it hurts to be without him.
He made his choice before you left. You told him coke or you.
He choose coke. Why should you spiral down in the addiction hell he is heading for?
Do you feel he was really present for you and connected to you and your feelings
since he's been using heavily?
My question then would be who really left who first?
You deserve to be happy. I hope he chooses to stop because it sounds like
he is getting close to the end of the road healthwise if he doesn't change.
But you being there will not make it happen any faster, or at all if he doesn't want it.
I'm sorry you are hurting so much.
I think in your heart you know this though of course it hurts to be without him.
He made his choice before you left. You told him coke or you.
He choose coke. Why should you spiral down in the addiction hell he is heading for?
Do you feel he was really present for you and connected to you and your feelings
since he's been using heavily?
My question then would be who really left who first?
You deserve to be happy. I hope he chooses to stop because it sounds like
he is getting close to the end of the road healthwise if he doesn't change.
But you being there will not make it happen any faster, or at all if he doesn't want it.
I'm sorry you are hurting so much.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
of course it is all your fault.......... that is what we call manipulation and denial.
My sincere wish for you , please continue to educate yourself about addiction. Like yourself, I really believed the XA in my life was special. I will be very honest with you, when times were good, they were amazing, but when sh*t got real, it got real ugly.
I have some wonderful memories of the times we shared. Nobody here entered into a relationship with an full blown out of control addict.......... See, this disease is progressive, and when the bottom falls out, you are in a deep, dark hole.
While you say "he loved you like no other." His actions say the opposite. Please, know I am not saying this to be cruel, I am only sharing my life experience of being involved with an active addict. They love their Drug of choice First, and they will always choose the booze/drugs. And if we get in the way, they will remove us from the picture.
I guess my point is, the memories of the past good times are simply NOT enough to carry you into the future.
I could barely cope in my day to day life when he was on one of his benders, or when he was raging and carrying on about some insignificant bullsh*t that had ZERO meaning in the sober world.
Things really starting going downhill after the 3rd year. I spent the next two years with him, trying my damnest to turn things around. It was a complete waste of my time, can't help someone who REFUSES to help themselves.
I certainly got in WAY over my head with him. I did not know a damn thing about addiction, and by the time I ended the relationship, I was a shattered mess. I have spent almost two years getting myself back on solid ground.
Yes, I can truly empathize with your situation, and I am telling you from my heart, if he doesn't want to stop, and he doesn't seek recovery there will be no change, AND here's the biggest bite, Recovery does NOT come with a guarantee.
Here's what I have always told my daughters, Nothing worse than being with Mr. Wrong when Mr. Right walks thru the door. CgFox, I believe you are selling yourself short here, the reason you are so sad and troubled, you have chosen an unavailable partner.
I am really sorry that you are hurting, but it might be time to get brutally honest, your Ex is no different than any other person struggling with this horrific disease, but it's his disease to own, and not yours, best to get back to living your one precious life.
(((hugs)))
My sincere wish for you , please continue to educate yourself about addiction. Like yourself, I really believed the XA in my life was special. I will be very honest with you, when times were good, they were amazing, but when sh*t got real, it got real ugly.
I have some wonderful memories of the times we shared. Nobody here entered into a relationship with an full blown out of control addict.......... See, this disease is progressive, and when the bottom falls out, you are in a deep, dark hole.
While you say "he loved you like no other." His actions say the opposite. Please, know I am not saying this to be cruel, I am only sharing my life experience of being involved with an active addict. They love their Drug of choice First, and they will always choose the booze/drugs. And if we get in the way, they will remove us from the picture.
I guess my point is, the memories of the past good times are simply NOT enough to carry you into the future.
I could barely cope in my day to day life when he was on one of his benders, or when he was raging and carrying on about some insignificant bullsh*t that had ZERO meaning in the sober world.
Things really starting going downhill after the 3rd year. I spent the next two years with him, trying my damnest to turn things around. It was a complete waste of my time, can't help someone who REFUSES to help themselves.
I certainly got in WAY over my head with him. I did not know a damn thing about addiction, and by the time I ended the relationship, I was a shattered mess. I have spent almost two years getting myself back on solid ground.
Yes, I can truly empathize with your situation, and I am telling you from my heart, if he doesn't want to stop, and he doesn't seek recovery there will be no change, AND here's the biggest bite, Recovery does NOT come with a guarantee.
Here's what I have always told my daughters, Nothing worse than being with Mr. Wrong when Mr. Right walks thru the door. CgFox, I believe you are selling yourself short here, the reason you are so sad and troubled, you have chosen an unavailable partner.
I am really sorry that you are hurting, but it might be time to get brutally honest, your Ex is no different than any other person struggling with this horrific disease, but it's his disease to own, and not yours, best to get back to living your one precious life.
(((hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 39
Hawkeye13 Thank you for your answer, and especially for reminding me of that: "Do you feel he was really present for you and connected to you and your feelings since he's been using heavily?" He wasn't there for anybody but himself. I had no friend but him, and he left me when I was down or sick. When I learned my best friend (who lives in France, and I was in the US) is going blind because of diabetes attacking her eyes, I was devastated. He was talking to a neighbor and I went to him, but since I didn't want to share with another guy some personal stuff, I asked him if he could come back when he was done (obviously he said yes). Almost an hour later, I went back down and he was actually leaving, annoyed -said "got to meet a friend real quick". I started crying. Told him why I wanted him. He yelled back ("how I am suppose to know what's wrong with your friend?" .... well, how I am suppose to tell you if you're not here?!). And he left to get his coke. Yeah. That's when I knew nothing was going to get better....
Marie1960
I thank you for your reply. I did not take anything you said wrong -don't worry about that. I need to be reminded. I need people to open my eyes again and again, too. I still have hope... I don't think I'll ever stop hoping he changes. Everything was better before he got sick -better, but he still wasn't sober. I was a mess, being on an emotional roller coaster for so long. I couldn't imagine living my life without him -but I couldn't be with him either.
I started thinking about ending my life. I knew I had to do something. Since I couldn't get my own place (nobody would rent me...) I went back to France. He never hit me or threatened me in any way. I just couldn't take it anymore.
He called me last night. I know I shouldn't have picked up the phone, but the phone rang I was half asleep and I wasn't expecting him to call. He keeps telling me the same things. He's miserable without me. His life is meaningless. He wants me home so we can figure it out. I told him I couldn't. That I wasn't in good mental health and didn't know how to get better. He said I should have talked to him -but he wasn't listening when I did. He said that, when I knew what to do, I should call him. After all that, he still thinks I'm the one that should decide what I want. I know what I want -but I can't have it. Not if he doesn't want it for himself.
I've heard that if I love him, I should love him for who he is -his strenght and weaknesses. I'm already codependent after being with him for 2 years. If I keep going, I don't know what's going to happen to me.
Marie1960
I thank you for your reply. I did not take anything you said wrong -don't worry about that. I need to be reminded. I need people to open my eyes again and again, too. I still have hope... I don't think I'll ever stop hoping he changes. Everything was better before he got sick -better, but he still wasn't sober. I was a mess, being on an emotional roller coaster for so long. I couldn't imagine living my life without him -but I couldn't be with him either.
I started thinking about ending my life. I knew I had to do something. Since I couldn't get my own place (nobody would rent me...) I went back to France. He never hit me or threatened me in any way. I just couldn't take it anymore.
He called me last night. I know I shouldn't have picked up the phone, but the phone rang I was half asleep and I wasn't expecting him to call. He keeps telling me the same things. He's miserable without me. His life is meaningless. He wants me home so we can figure it out. I told him I couldn't. That I wasn't in good mental health and didn't know how to get better. He said I should have talked to him -but he wasn't listening when I did. He said that, when I knew what to do, I should call him. After all that, he still thinks I'm the one that should decide what I want. I know what I want -but I can't have it. Not if he doesn't want it for himself.
I've heard that if I love him, I should love him for who he is -his strenght and weaknesses. I'm already codependent after being with him for 2 years. If I keep going, I don't know what's going to happen to me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 39
Sorry for the double post.
He said (not the first time...) that he was waiting to get laid off to go to rehab. He actually got a bed once. Back in february or around that time, and said his boss didn't want him to go (=if you go, you won't have a job when you come back). Obviously I know he was lying, but part of it is true: he's only paid when he's working (it's a legal job) and if he's not working, he doesn't have money, can't pay rent and end up homeless. He's been homeless for a few years and he's scared it could happen again.
Anyway, back to square one. I keep telling myself I can't go back. It's hard.
He said (not the first time...) that he was waiting to get laid off to go to rehab. He actually got a bed once. Back in february or around that time, and said his boss didn't want him to go (=if you go, you won't have a job when you come back). Obviously I know he was lying, but part of it is true: he's only paid when he's working (it's a legal job) and if he's not working, he doesn't have money, can't pay rent and end up homeless. He's been homeless for a few years and he's scared it could happen again.
Anyway, back to square one. I keep telling myself I can't go back. It's hard.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,411
Hi cg;
You are right. You can't go back.
The more you share your story the clearer it is.
I think you owe it to yourself to heal and find the joy in your life again.
It is there. Being a co-dependent drains your joy and energy like a vampire.
You need time and space to recharge your batteries and then it will be clearer.
Best to you
You are right. You can't go back.
The more you share your story the clearer it is.
I think you owe it to yourself to heal and find the joy in your life again.
It is there. Being a co-dependent drains your joy and energy like a vampire.
You need time and space to recharge your batteries and then it will be clearer.
Best to you
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi cgfox and ((((hugs)))). In your original post you said:
Don't feel that way. You don't have that much power. If you did you would have made him stop by now. I know I would have with my wife if I could of.
You can't make him not drink or use and the opposite is true as well, you can't make him use if he doesn't want to. That was his choice and his alone. He used because he choose to, simple as that.
Your friend,
I saw him then too, he was so high it broke my heart again. I know the stress of me leaving pushed him that way.
You can't make him not drink or use and the opposite is true as well, you can't make him use if he doesn't want to. That was his choice and his alone. He used because he choose to, simple as that.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1,490
Hi there
My heart breaks for you. You have done the right thing though. You must start working on you for the time being. If your other half wants to get sober then they can - it does not matter if you are there or not, until he wants to he won't.
I was married to a man who was 17 years older than me; we were together for nearly 11 years. I hated it when we split up but it was probably the best thing for both of us.
So, I do understand some of what you are going through. No matter what the reasons, of course it is hard. But, for you and for him, you cannot go back, not unless he gets clean and sober and stays clean and sober.
(hugs)
My heart breaks for you. You have done the right thing though. You must start working on you for the time being. If your other half wants to get sober then they can - it does not matter if you are there or not, until he wants to he won't.
I was married to a man who was 17 years older than me; we were together for nearly 11 years. I hated it when we split up but it was probably the best thing for both of us.
So, I do understand some of what you are going through. No matter what the reasons, of course it is hard. But, for you and for him, you cannot go back, not unless he gets clean and sober and stays clean and sober.
(hugs)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
I think you owe it to yourself to heal and find the joy in your life again.
It is there. Being a co-dependent drains your joy and energy like a vampire
It is there. Being a co-dependent drains your joy and energy like a vampire
I know what my brain is telling me -but my heart just doesn't want to let go. I'm so lost.
Mike Thank you -I mean it. He's always used our arguments to get high, and I just .... well, I got used to thinking I pushed him that way because he gets overwhelmed so quickly and doesn't know how to deal with his (or my) feelings.
Feeling-Good Thank you for your support. I want to work on myself, and thinking about going to see a psychologist. I'm afraid they wouldn't understand (drugs aren't really part of the picture here, I mean we barely hear about it on TV -not like in the US).
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by cgfox
I want to work on myself, and thinking about going to see a psychologist. I'm afraid they wouldn't understand (drugs aren't really part of the picture here, I mean we barely hear about it on TV -not like in the US).
For me, I never believed I deserved any better. Lillamy made a great point in another post on "rules" -- I think I always believed that if I punished myself by being with people who hurt me, I could somehow curtail a greater punishment delivered by fate, or karma, or whatever because I was such a horrible, worthless person. Therapy helped me understand that being human and making mistakes sometimes is not the same thing as being worthless or broken. Many years on now, I have a whole different perspective about myself -- I feel a love and respect for myself that I never believed possible for so many years.
It took a long time, a lot of tears, all the harsh honesty in the world, a ton of effort, and three years without even thinking about being in a relationship, but it was worth it to have the life and self-esteem I have today and for the rest of my life.
Sending you hugs. I know it hurts. You deserve better. You deserve to be whole and to be with someone whole.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am sorry. The thing about staying to fight "with" someone is that they have to be actively fighting and actively working a program. You cannot be his support system. You cannot fight it "for" him and it sounds like he has no interest. You are right not to give an ultimatium because he will not tell the truth anyways. I have in the past. My alcoholic husband tells me he won't drink again, I think he even believes it. But then...back to it. He is weak. I have explained that I cannot tolerate it. I am planning on separating after the holidays because I cannot do it. No more lies. No more ultimatiums. No more of me acting like his mother, I have two kids and surely don't need another.
I am letting go and letting God. You don't need a life of this heartache...and that is just what you would be setting yourself up for.
Hugs.
I am letting go and letting God. You don't need a life of this heartache...and that is just what you would be setting yourself up for.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 39
SparkleKitty
I'm liking you more and more {hugs}. Not like I like what you're saying -but I need to keep hearing it. Even though I know, I still struggle with everything.
I think friends/family would tell you that I feel I don't deserve better. And it's probably true, I have very low self esteem (I've been working on it... it's better than it was, but it was better because I felt loved, I guess, not because I 'loved myself').
The other thing that it part of my struggle is that, for the first time in my life, I felt like I had a purpose.
Hopeful4 That's what I've been telling him. I left because I couldn't fight for him if he wasn't fighting for himself. He believes in what he says (not always, but I do see it in his eyes sometimes), but he never acts on it. He tells me he doesn't know why he's so weak. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
~~hugs~~
I'm liking you more and more {hugs}. Not like I like what you're saying -but I need to keep hearing it. Even though I know, I still struggle with everything.
I think friends/family would tell you that I feel I don't deserve better. And it's probably true, I have very low self esteem (I've been working on it... it's better than it was, but it was better because I felt loved, I guess, not because I 'loved myself').
The other thing that it part of my struggle is that, for the first time in my life, I felt like I had a purpose.
Hopeful4 That's what I've been telling him. I left because I couldn't fight for him if he wasn't fighting for himself. He believes in what he says (not always, but I do see it in his eyes sometimes), but he never acts on it. He tells me he doesn't know why he's so weak. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
~~hugs~~
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by cgfox
SparkleKitty
I'm liking you more and more. Not like I like what you're saying -but I need to keep hearing it. Even though I know, I still struggle with everything.
I think friends/family would tell you that I feel I don't deserve better. And it's probably true, I have very low self esteem (I've been working on it... it's better than it was, but it was better because I felt loved, I guess, not because I 'loved myself').
The other thing that it part of my struggle is that, for the first time in my life, I felt like I had a purpose.
I'm liking you more and more. Not like I like what you're saying -but I need to keep hearing it. Even though I know, I still struggle with everything.
I think friends/family would tell you that I feel I don't deserve better. And it's probably true, I have very low self esteem (I've been working on it... it's better than it was, but it was better because I felt loved, I guess, not because I 'loved myself').
The other thing that it part of my struggle is that, for the first time in my life, I felt like I had a purpose.
I see a lot of myself in your posts. The good news is there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and after the tunnel there's a whole new world. We just have to find a way to keep moving forward.
I had to change a lot of my thinking to do that. It was always much easier to beat myself up with negative words that to try to be hopeful. Just being a little bit nicer to myself, easier on myself with my thoughts and words helped get me started.
As far as purposes go...boy, do I know the feeling. When I met my XABF, I thought, I've finally found someone whose life I can make a difference in! This is why I was put on earth!
That...well, turned out to be an illusion. We cannot control, fix, save, or love someone into changing. They must have the desire and will to save themselves. The same goes for us, too -- it was hard for me to accept that a relationship couldn't fix ME either. It couldn't make me whole. It really only emphasized how NOT whole and sad I was.
Things get better. It's hard, but worth it. (((hugs)))
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Well, shucks, I like you too.
I see a lot of myself in your posts. The good news is there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and after the tunnel there's a whole new world. We just have to find a way to keep moving forward.
I had to change a lot of my thinking to do that. It was always much easier to beat myself up with negative words that to try to be hopeful. Just being a little bit nicer to myself, easier on myself with my thoughts and words helped get me started.
As far as purposes go...boy, do I know the feeling. When I met my XABF, I thought, I've finally found someone whose life I can make a difference in! This is why I was put on earth!
That...well, turned out to be an illusion. We cannot control, fix, save, or love someone into changing. They must have the desire and will to save themselves. The same goes for us, too -- it was hard for me to accept that a relationship couldn't fix ME either. It couldn't make me whole. It really only emphasized how NOT whole and sad I was.
Things get better. It's hard, but worth it. (((hugs)))
I see a lot of myself in your posts. The good news is there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and after the tunnel there's a whole new world. We just have to find a way to keep moving forward.
I had to change a lot of my thinking to do that. It was always much easier to beat myself up with negative words that to try to be hopeful. Just being a little bit nicer to myself, easier on myself with my thoughts and words helped get me started.
As far as purposes go...boy, do I know the feeling. When I met my XABF, I thought, I've finally found someone whose life I can make a difference in! This is why I was put on earth!
That...well, turned out to be an illusion. We cannot control, fix, save, or love someone into changing. They must have the desire and will to save themselves. The same goes for us, too -- it was hard for me to accept that a relationship couldn't fix ME either. It couldn't make me whole. It really only emphasized how NOT whole and sad I was.
Things get better. It's hard, but worth it. (((hugs)))
Even that was too naive...
I want to talk to him. But everytime he says my name and tells me he loves me, I lose all control and I just want him. I just want to tell him what he wants to hear, just like he tells me what I want to hear. I need more strenght. I need to let go of the fact that he's probably going to kill himself (or go back to jail) once we're really over -even though he's already doing it, just a little slower than without me.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I too have problems with knowing my AH will quite likely spiral out of control if and when we separate. That being said, I have had enough recovery for my own codependency to know that it won't be my fault. He is in charge of him. It sounds callius, but it is true. I cannot be the glue that holds another human being together, it is not possible and I know that. It will hurt all of my family if it happens (we have two children) but non the less....he is choosing this life, not me.
I cannot control his actions, only how I react.
I cannot control his actions, only how I react.
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