scacra1

I haven't posted on here in about 9 months now. I used to post regularly when i was in that deep dark place commonly known as being the partner of an A.
Posting my feelings on here really helped as did you guys with your advice so thanks for that.
Today i juts wanted to post an update to share that sometimes, good things can happen.
My A has finally become clean and he is now approaching his 8th month of this. im not disillusioned i know that this is a long journey and we are at risk constantly - but i wanted to share some positivity that some times something good can happen - like my A and his progress so far.
His quitting came about after work sent him away on a business trip abroad where he got totally sh!tfaced the whole time, then went missing for 3 days after. i went through hell... but for some reason when he came back he realised. He had hit his rock bottom himself.
we sobered him up for a few days and he went to the doctors for help. He told his work about his issue too - no more hiding and lying.
The NHS AA support group over here in England didn't work for him, he quit after 5 sessions - however his work arranged a therapist after him being sober for 4 months as they were convinced he was ready, he did it alone in those 4 months.
His therapist seems to be helping him to understand WHY he wants to drink how he does and he has stuck with it - so so far its working well.

My life has been very different - due to the 9 'normal' months that we have had i now know i couldn't go through life with an alcoholic ever again. The pain was too much so much so that you lose sight of how life should be really. We should never lose sight of that.

Dont get me wrong - now that he is not drinking it's not fully over its still a situation that needs managing such as if friends invite us out, when gong on holiday, or if i wanted to go out my self etc etc.... its not easy but were getting there and this is a life long journey.

i just wanted to share a bit of positivity and hope for some people, to share a thank you and also to update my situation.... 'for now'!!

Stung

I wonder that if my husband ever gets sober and sticks with it (he was sober yesterday, and he was so nice and enjoyable to be around, but drunk again today which was hell on Earth) what its like to go out with friends for something as mundane as a dinner together. Or heck, even just a regular date night. Is it okay to order a glass of wine if your spouse is recovering, is it being too sensitive/codependent to not do what you would normally do? And same goes for vacations. It's like your whole life changes by just one choice that you have to be so acutely aware of now. I'm glad that your story has taken a positive turn and I hope I someday soon have a similarly positive story to share.

scacra1

Hey Stung: Its a whole different world when you're in it isn't it? - you dont realise how far you get sucked into their world and their issues - and it takes over your whole life. I was more or less hiding away from people, trying to avoid anything social, I wouldn't go out with him (fear of him getting too drunk) but then I wouldn't ever go out without him (fear of what i find when i came back) im hoping if nothing else for me right now i see that horrible place his alcoholism dragged me to, and spending 9 months living a steady peaceful life like everyone else i pray has given the vision to see that i can never allow him to drag me back there again - if he goes back there he goes on his own.
But to your question: when we go out at first i didnt have a drink in front of him, mainly because he has made me HATE alcohol, but also because i think that is being supportive. AS time has progressed as i am not a big drinker, if we go for a meal i'll maybe have 1 drink, but im really not that bothered. Our last holiday (All inclusive) was difficult for him - people just drinking everywhere, be it a few glasses with a meal or a cocktail by the beach - you dont realise how much everyday life 'having a drink' is based around. (in a normal way i mean) he said he found it tough and at times i felt slightly uncomfortable for him also as i could see how it was difficult for him - but he survived - we may not do All inclusive again - and its the little things like that you have to constantly manage around. Meals with friends and family are difficult too - most of them never knew about his problem as he was an active alcoholic and spent great energy 'managing/hiding' it, and there's only so many times we can come up with a reason to be not drinking but we take it on our stride.

Stung - i wish you one day find peace and happiness in whatever form. Always remember your worth - easy said than done i know.

Quish16

So pleased Sarcra1 - we get so few happy endings here and I know it is early days so wish you all the happiness in the world.
I am in the UK too. My AH has been offered counselling but only went twice!
My AH is trying to cut down and for the last 10 days has done well but it is till a third a litre of vodka - around 12 units a day, and at 74, this is dangerous given the medication he is on for blood pressure/gout/painkillers. I frankly feel it is too late for him to put right the damage he has done when he was drinking three quarters a litre a day and he has been drinking heavily for 53 years. I didn't realise 22 years when we married that alcoholism was a progressive disease. Stung I think you realise that if your AH doesn't get help it will get substantially worse?
I will keep everything crossed for you both!

tootsl1

Sacra, thank you for this post. There is a chap posting at the moment who is desperate for his wife to give him a chance to prove himself
As I said on his post, I clearly see it from both sides. I had an alcoholic husband who kept promising, but who never quit. Eventually I got out and swore I would never get into that situation again. My heavy drinking began through that marriage and continued, insidiously, over the next few years until I realised I too had a problem.
I had by then married again, to someone who never realised my consumption, and wasn't much of a drinker.
I opened up to him, got help and am nearing 9 months. I never intend picking up another drink. ( I say never intend as for an alcoholic, I can promise I won't) I know what I am risking if I do. And believe it or not, I actually prefer being alcohol free, being in control of my life and not loathing myself. That isn't to say that there isn't any temptation, just that I cannot perceive a time when alcohol is more important than what I have, now that I can finally like myself again.
I truly hope your husband feels as I do, and I awake grateful everyday for having been given this chance to prove myself. I hope he does to.

Thank you for this heartening story, I hope you live a long sober happy marriage!

As for the drinking think, hubby refused initially to drink in front of me until I explained that I did not want him to live differently just because I chose to. Now, he has a drink when we go out, and I happily drive home. Sometimes he has a drink in the house too, which is also fine by me.

scacra1

Its so heart breaking to watch isn't it - and we really sell ourselves short by putting up with it, but then if you are like me you will feel torn between 'trying' to be supportive and then just detaching yourselves and leaving them to it.
i saw in my husband how this illness was progressive and in his case when he tried to cut down he did well, but this triggered binge drinking in him - every few months he would have a total blow out and go missing for days.
Quish: I wish you well with your husband and yes its a long time that he has been drinking like that - but even just cutting down may help slow down its progression.
Im glad i could share a small bit of positivity and i hope more people can find some too.

scacra1

Gosh Tootsl1 your post is really lovely - its very hard for us who dont drink to see life for an A and how they see it. sometimes i dont know how to support him best - shall i drink? shall i not? He genuinely seems to prefer me to be normal, whatever that is, if i want a night out with friends he wants me to go, if i fancy a quick drink he wants me to do that - he doesnt want to feel i suffer for him - which i dont mind as i see they are small sacrifices for the true happiness when he is sober that we have together. im yet to dare try the night out...!! Although we feel he is coming out of the very delicate stage so i need to try it soon.
My husband now sees himself in control of his life again, his career is taking off and his family relationships are healing... i dont know if that's enough but it certainly is right now.
Thank you for your well wishes and i will keep you updated - good or bad!

Hawkeye13

Hi scacra1;
Of the two of us, I was certainly the alcoholic.
However, my husband's drinking gradually increased over the years as we both dealt with terrible stress
like financial ruin, caring for my alcoholic mother, his health issues.

Two years ago I quit drinking as it began to affect my work.
I am still concerned about his drinking, but I told him that since I was the one who
had been the major problem drinking, I would not tell him he had to stop or not drink
in front of me.

I also am the designated driver when we go out.
He has his martinis, his bottles of wine and it doesn't really bother me to have
the alcohol in the house--I'm not tempted to sneak a drink, for example,
but I could see how that might be hard for someone newly sober or struggling.

What I don't like is him getting really drunk. That is stressful.
So my advice is to have your drinks and live normally, and keep it moderate
as you do anyway.

Ask him if alcohol in the house is a problem, and if so, just bring home small amounts
or only drink out in public. My husband has been very considerate lately by keeping
his drinks in his man cave (not hidden, but not in my face) and has reduced his intake.

Honest acknowledgement and a shared plan has made this not a problem.
so that's my suggestion to you :-)