New here. Married to an alcoholic, and just learned that he's an alcoholic.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Also, I have to commend you for your usage of "douche canoe." I cried a little tear of joy reading that. I have one friend who uses it, and I didn't know of anyone other than her and me who used it. It's my goal to use it in proper context at least once a week.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Stung: I'm jumping in late here, but I live very close to you and I'm currently eyeball deep in the whole divorce and custody thing here in California. I have an attorney but have also consulted with several other attorneys who litigate, including one who is a top divorce attorney in the state and has handled cases with an alcoholic parent.
Document EVERYTHING. Everything. And do it daily. Make a place where you gather information that will help you document his use of alcohol and behavior. Write down dates, times, what happened, what he said. Try to video him when he's drunk. Photograph text messages. Print and save emails. If any friends have seen him drunk, quietly ask them to write a letter describing the events . If you've fled for the night and are sleeping at a friend's house, get them to write a letter attesting to this, and why. Keep all this locked up and do not mention any of it to him. Periodically transfer this material to a safe place such as a safe deposit box, your parents' house, etc. Keep documenting. This part is crucial. Not only will it be useful in court, it's also useful to use in mediation. In my case, when I presented the massive amount of documentation, my AH's attorney wilted. After that, my AH was very eager to settle custody outside of court.
If he's drunk and you feel like you are in danger, CALL THE POLICE. Maybe nothing will come of it now, but you are creating a paper trail that will help you with custody later.
A marriage of 10+ years is considered a "marriage of long duration" in CA and is viewed differently.
If you litigate child custody, it's very possible he could get 50% custody, but I'm told the court can impose very stringent restrictions on an alcoholic, even with the absence of DUIs or any other real trouble. These restrictions can include having to remain alcohol free during time with the kids, including having to be alcohol free for 12 hours prior to visitation.
In my case, we have not litigated child custody (we first did mediation and are now doing something called "collaborative divorce." Our custody and marital settlement arrangements are being hashed out in a room with 2 attorneys.) While AH is whining about wanting the kids 50% of the time, his attorney has told him he would be facing much more stringent alcohol restrictions? Guess what? He doesn't want to go to court. He is accepting a lot less time with the kids because he doesn't want to quit drinking.
There is something called Soberlink. Google it. It's a breathalyzer that attaches to a Smartphone. He tests and you get the results as a text message. My AH currently has to blow into this every few hours while he has our kids. This can be court ordered.
Document EVERYTHING. Everything. And do it daily. Make a place where you gather information that will help you document his use of alcohol and behavior. Write down dates, times, what happened, what he said. Try to video him when he's drunk. Photograph text messages. Print and save emails. If any friends have seen him drunk, quietly ask them to write a letter describing the events . If you've fled for the night and are sleeping at a friend's house, get them to write a letter attesting to this, and why. Keep all this locked up and do not mention any of it to him. Periodically transfer this material to a safe place such as a safe deposit box, your parents' house, etc. Keep documenting. This part is crucial. Not only will it be useful in court, it's also useful to use in mediation. In my case, when I presented the massive amount of documentation, my AH's attorney wilted. After that, my AH was very eager to settle custody outside of court.
If he's drunk and you feel like you are in danger, CALL THE POLICE. Maybe nothing will come of it now, but you are creating a paper trail that will help you with custody later.
A marriage of 10+ years is considered a "marriage of long duration" in CA and is viewed differently.
If you litigate child custody, it's very possible he could get 50% custody, but I'm told the court can impose very stringent restrictions on an alcoholic, even with the absence of DUIs or any other real trouble. These restrictions can include having to remain alcohol free during time with the kids, including having to be alcohol free for 12 hours prior to visitation.
In my case, we have not litigated child custody (we first did mediation and are now doing something called "collaborative divorce." Our custody and marital settlement arrangements are being hashed out in a room with 2 attorneys.) While AH is whining about wanting the kids 50% of the time, his attorney has told him he would be facing much more stringent alcohol restrictions? Guess what? He doesn't want to go to court. He is accepting a lot less time with the kids because he doesn't want to quit drinking.
There is something called Soberlink. Google it. It's a breathalyzer that attaches to a Smartphone. He tests and you get the results as a text message. My AH currently has to blow into this every few hours while he has our kids. This can be court ordered.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
SoaringSpirits, you just answered about a million different questions I have had running through my mind. My primary concern is and has been my children. If we didn't have kids I would have jumped ship a long time ago.
I have been using the voice recording function on my phone to record a few of our interactions and luckily (it's really sick that this has become "lucky" in my life) I was recording him, and he was quite aware, when he grabbed my arm and twisted it while I was holding our 2 year old. He was plastered of course and reeked. When I told him he reeked he kept getting in my face and blowing his nasty stench on me and then when I pushed him back a few inches he grabbed my arm until I screamed at him. Ugh...
And I have many, many drunken and remorseful confessions via text that I have snapshots of and those automatically load to my Dropbox account.
Are video and/or voice recording admissible if he's unaware that they're happening? If he doesn't have to be privy that he's being recorded, I'll invest in a dropcam to make sure I'm protected.
I have been using the voice recording function on my phone to record a few of our interactions and luckily (it's really sick that this has become "lucky" in my life) I was recording him, and he was quite aware, when he grabbed my arm and twisted it while I was holding our 2 year old. He was plastered of course and reeked. When I told him he reeked he kept getting in my face and blowing his nasty stench on me and then when I pushed him back a few inches he grabbed my arm until I screamed at him. Ugh...
And I have many, many drunken and remorseful confessions via text that I have snapshots of and those automatically load to my Dropbox account.
Are video and/or voice recording admissible if he's unaware that they're happening? If he doesn't have to be privy that he's being recorded, I'll invest in a dropcam to make sure I'm protected.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Stung, I don't know if recordings or video would be admissible in court. But outside of court they could be useful and give you some leverage.
My attorney told me that if we went into litigation in court, one thing that would be useful would be signed affadavits from people who have witnessed my AH's drinking and behavior.
My attorney told me that if we went into litigation in court, one thing that would be useful would be signed affadavits from people who have witnessed my AH's drinking and behavior.
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