Stung

I recently learned that my hubby is an alcoholic. He confessed to me after having a completely destructive black out rage after getting drunk with his best friend. He lied and told me he was going to the gym, came back in gym clothes that were drenched in "sweat" only for him to fly into a mega rage resulting into me fleeing with our 2 year old and then 2 month old baby. Turns out he is an alcoholic and doesn't even remember much of what happened.

That was 2 1/2 months ago. I've now learned that the stench that is seemingly always on him isn't from dehydration or Chinese food or fast food of bad hygiene, its alcohol seeping from his pores. He doesn't have a bi-polar disorder, he's either drunk (low) or sober (which I thought was high, it's just his "normal.) and I've learned that my douchehole husband is a very selfish ******* that would rather get drunk and miss our 2 year old's 2nd birthday and miss out on our baby's first Thanksgiving and today, miss out on decorating our Christmas tree.

If we didn't have kids I would leave my loser husband in a heartbeat but I am terrified of having joint custody with an alcoholic. I cannot and will not allow my babies to ever be alone with him while I know he has the capacity to get black out drunk. Until then, I'm trying to remove my babies and myself from our home whenever he's drunk (because drunk = aggressive and violent for hubby.) We have been together for 10 years and the first 8 were amazing, but the last 2, when he has slowly slipped into alcoholism have been very painful, particularly the last 6 months.

I just want to have regular people problems again.

peaceofpi

I am so sorry for your pain. I struggled for a long time with this same decision.

Ultimately I left. I have joint custody and wish, every day, that legislatures and courts would wake up and realize the damage they do to kids who have to spend time with an incapacitated parent, on the theory that "children need both parents." IMO a child doesn't need a drunk parent. A parent who can't stay sober should get supervised visitation, period.

Have you considered Alanon or therapy to help you resolve issues and learn to detach from his actions? For example:
* He missed Thanksgiving and tree decorating = Not your problem.
* He has stinky BO = His problem, not yours.
* He pees in the bathroom closet because he's too drunk to find the toilet room = His problem, not yours (this is my example; of course he might just quackmumble later, when he has to clean it up, "How did the dog get in the closet and pee, again?"

If he gets violent and hits you or the kids, please call the police. Judges are less likely to give joint custody to a parent who has committed family violence. If you don't call, it's harder to later assert physical abuse.

Keep posting, because it helps. Good luck and stay safe.

Stung

I'm learning about co-dependency (reading co-dependent no more) and its so eye opening but we're in marriage counseling (because he can't tell lies if I'm there telling the therapist that he's a liar) that uses Emotionally Focused Therapy and actually promotes attachment. :/ Very confusing for me. Throw two young children in the mix and the fact that I'm a SAHM too and I'm not only co-dependent but literally dependent. During Thanksgiving week he twisted my arm while he was drunk and I SCREAMED at him and he looked completely stunned by what he was doing. A friend of mind is a police officer and told me to report him but in California they would have had to arrest him, whether there was proof or not. I'm just afraid that if I cross that line that I'll have to subject my kids to joint custody. And part of me hopes that he will get help now and not wait until he hits rock bottom. We won't be here when he gets there. But he thinks because he's not "as bad" as some alcoholics that he doesn't need help. :/ Denial.

ANGELINA243

If he gets aggressive and violent when drunk, then you certainly must do whatever is necessary to protect you and your children--whether it be staying with a family member or friend, getting help from a women's shelter/safe place, or even involving the law if needed. I doubt he would be able to obtain joint custody if there was any documented evidence concerning his erratic behavior etc. I am not sure about the laws in your area, but he might be able to get supervised visitation if there is concern where the children are concerned. If he is to get sober/quit drinking, that is a decision he must make. Just focus on you and the safety of your kids. It isn't a good environment (especially for children at that young age) to be around..

Stung

If I can prove that he's physical abusive and an alcoholic, then its my understanding that he'll receive supervised visitation. But I'm also afraid of his crazy, super enabling mother trying to fight for joint custody if his has to be supervised (which might be just as bad as him having unsupervised visitation.) I've done a decent job protecting my children from his antics this far (leaving when its apparent that he has been drinking) but if he gets blatantly physically abusive, I'll be calling the police and filing for divorce. I just want to do everything in my power to prevent them from being alone with him while he's still unable to stay sober. If my kids were older it would be different, but they're just too young, and I feel like such an idiot not knowing that this whole time his problem was alcohol.

Hopeworks

Hi Stung,

Alcoholism is progressive and in my experience in the criminal justice system abusers are often also progressive. The opportunity to protect yourself and document irrational violent behavior will be a very important fact the courts will consider in any future litigation.

There are now alcohol breath testing equipment that is relatively inexpensive and requires alcoholic caregivers to blow during visitation when requested randomly (or by schedule). This new technology eliminates the problem of alcohol having such a short half life and window of catching a sneak drinker who shows up sober but drinks during visitation.

Document... document... document any abuse. Keep yourself safe and always have a plan B and bug out plan if you are with an abusive partner.

clematis

Hi Stung,

I've had a husband (now ex)with a drinking/drugs problem, I tried for so long, and at one point he stayed away all night with a woman, that was the limit for me, next day I told him i wanted to divorce, he never saw it coming... He never was aggressive just mean. a few weeks later for the first time he did get aggressive, he threatened me then threw me against the door and held a knife in front of my face, threatening to stab me... I could not believe what was happening, I soon as I saw room I ran to my neighbor he called the police, the police couldn't do anything, except that they could tell him to leave our house, they did... I called my friend we both called all the women-shelters there was one that had room, so after a scary night with my little girl (2 years) in one room with the wardrobe against the door, I left, after the other one (4) came home the next day. The police did give a message to a sort of social worker, I got a letter and i scared me because I thought I would lose my kids. i couldn't be more wrong, after I told her what happened and has been going on all those years, she said don't worry. But what are you going to do about visitation rights, I told her I was worried but he never harmed them. She said; if you are open about the problems there is a way that he has to do a alcohol-test before he can take the kids away if that makes you feel better... I never did this, but always kept this in mind... Maybe this will help you. Just make sure you and your kids are safe!

Big hug from Holland

Florence

Hi Stung -- hello and welcome. He already is abusive. Your kids are already being affected by his drinking. So are you, and you deserve better.

To get the answers to these questions you have about leaving the marriage and joint custody (laws vary from state to state) you have to start with a consultation with a lawyer. During the initial, free, no obligation interview, you can present your situation to an experienced professional who can tell you what the landscape is in your area, what to expect from the courts, how your situation will look after a divorce, and what you need to do to get the results you want. This is something you can do very soon that will lay a lot of your what-ifs to rest.

Next time, report him. No excuses. He is crossing lines. Part of the progression of addiction is that the people around the addict are increasingly pressured to accept totally unacceptable behavior AND take blame for his behavior. You didn't make him twist your arm. My AH only got violent with me a handful of times, and like you, I didn't report him. In fact, to my great shame, I usually joined in. I was bewildered and shocked and in denial of how bad our situation really was. My AH also liked to go missing on solo booze vacations at an area roach motel, and ruined holiday after holiday, birthdays, weekends at our home.

Hang out here, continue to share and learn about addiction and what it means to extract your well-being from your relationship and dependency on the addict, consider Al-Anon, and consider individual counseling. These things saved me -- and many of the other wise folks here -- from a lifetime of misery and confusion and disappointment. If my AH touched me today, I would call the police and let them sort it out, arrests or not. Nobody treats me that way, even my family, and I don't deserve it. Actions have consequences. You're not a dumping ground for whatever personal problems he is having.

lillamy

What he did to you at Thanksgiving was abuse. You can contact a domestic abuse agency and ask for advice and help. A lot of times they can provide an advocate or at least advice on how to move forward.

Counseling with an actively drinking alcoholic is a waste of money and time. My bet is that once he finds out that the counselor doesn't buy his BS, he will deem the counselor worthless and refuse to go anymore.

Alcoholism and abuse does not improve. Trust me on this. I've lived in hiding three different times after my AXH threatened to kill me. And the day I met him, I would have sworn he was the gentlest soul in the universe. Alcohol kills brains and produces zombies.

Hammer

Hey stung, we went about 6 or 7 years before the relapse hit. Goofy thing on my part I was "watching" for it. Always expected it would be some over-the-top stuff like yours. But since you rarely have to fight the war you are prepared for (and I sure was prepared, or so I thought), ours came quiet and collapsed things from the inside out.

I follow you have a lot of anger, but really you are expending energy (that you will need for you on the road ahead) on his crazy. Often they do not even fully remember the crap they pull, or it seems like a dream to them. Or I suppose a nightmare to us.

Like you have no doubt read -- next part ahead is ALL ABOUT YOU and TAKING CARE of the KIDS. The way I keep that straight is I say . . . I can only have ONE #1 Priority. That #1 Priority is the kids. None of the kids are named Mrs. Hammer, so I know that she is not a priority.

Alanon taught me that I have to take care of me to be able to take of the Mission Priority #1, I have to take care of me. Mrs. Hammer is not me, so I do not have to concern myself much about her.

I would suggest to get you in very good shape for the road ahead. Alanon, group work, exercise (yeah, really), prayer, church stuff.

You do not have to worry about the A much at all. Even the court stuff tends to be nonsense as they A's tend to crash themselves before they get there.

Like I said -- the fight we practiced for is rarely the one we get. You may likely find the "problem" is much more than alcohol. The addictions we see are often just the "above the surface" portion of a Much Larger Iceberg. You have seen how much on an Iceberg is below the surface?

Stung

As of this morning he has sworn himself to sobriety again. Here are his text messages from 4am. What do you so when they swear off alcohol (again) are you supposed to just accept them back with open arms or do you make them dig out of the hole they've created?

I'm sorry for all of the damage I have caused. I will begin now to fix it all. I recognize I have a problem. I will address now and everyday moving forward. I'm sorry. You will trust me again one day. My daughters will be proud of me one day.

I will institute my plan of gym, work, home for dinner and bed and bath, then leave for AA at 7:45 pm and return at 9:15 pm. Go to sleep, wake up at 5:45 am and repeat everyday for as long as it takes to start gaining your trust back. That is of course with your approval.

I will call every family member and friend this week and address to damage I have caused.

I will access any and all available help outside of the things I have listed.

My phone is going to die. Please read my texts. I will be there at 8. Today is the first day. I know it's a long road. But I know it can be done and it will be done. I will be sober for the rest of my life.

Danae

I guess that this is what people mean around here when they say "more will be revealed".

I think you can reserve judgement and see what happens. He may or may not do what he says. You can't control it. Detach and watch.

Stung

It's hard to not judge, because 1. He's my husband and 2. He's in a family of alcoholics and one of his brothers killed himself driving while drunk 15 years ago, you'd think that would be all the warning he'd need and 3. The stuff that he spews about me while he's drunk is hard to forget. Nothing like having your drunk husband scream that he hates you in front of both of your children, 2 weeks after you had a baby. It's nothing short of extreme selfishness, IMO.

I do deserve much better (like the man I married, not the wreck he's turned into) and so do my children. When he's sober, he's very enjoyable to be around. The problem is that he won't stay sober for more than a day. After he had his major black out rage in September, he was sober for a whole week and it felt like night and day. I hadn't enjoyed being around him that much in a very, very, very long time.

SparkleKitty

Words mean nothing when dealing with an addict. The only thing that you should account for in your decisions moving forward is ACTIONS. Texting promises out of desperation at 4 in the morning doesn't count as an "action". The addiction will work to protect itself and maintain the status quo -- whatever they have to say to protect the environment it is cozy in, they'll say. This doesn't mean that your husband is lying. He probably believes all of those things are true. But the DOING of them is incredibly difficult, and most folks don't make it. He is in for the fight of his life, and it is going to take everything he has to survive it. It is imperative that you take care YOU while he is doing that.

People in recovery do the work more than they talk about doing it. Danae is right: More will be revealed. Please come back often for support and to learn about alcoholism and its effects on the family. I'm both an Adult Child of an Alcoholic and the ex-girlfriend of one. Living with an addict has far-reaching effects on everyone, some immediate and obvious and others much deeper and insidious. Sending you strength and courage.

Hammer

General guideline I hear is 1 year. Matches OUR experience Almost To The Day. Will not go into my stuff on your thread. But a Year seems a Good Number.

It will likely take him the 90 meetings in 90 days just to begin to get stable, and that is normal, too.

Him taking self-responsibility is a good thing. Major part of the AA Program.

Since he has turned violent (and there is likely some serious emotional instability ahead), you may want to request separate living arrangements while he works through this. Violence is VERY Bad for you, the kids . . . and him, too. The shame they go through is devastating to them.

When you hear things like One Day At a Time. And some Year(s) of actual performance . . . THEN you will have something to work with.

JustAGirl1971

That's the hard part. We get stuck in what it use to be like instead of what it is now (speaking for myself, too). Unfortunately, now IS our reality. We don't have the ability to change the other person, only ourselves and our circumstances. All we can do is make our decisions and plans based on the current reality. If, down the road, that reality changes, then our decisions and plans can as well, but for now, we have to assume this is as good as it's going to get. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Every time I find myself wavering in my decision, that's the question I ask myself.

Stung

JustAGirl, the answer to that question is a definitive and resounding NO! I love my husband, but I deserve more and I don't rely on him for my happiness and I know I'm fully capable if finding it with another person. I'm not afraid to leave him for myself, but because I sincerely do not want him around my kids without me there (ie:joint custody.) I don't want to control him so much as I want to control the environment that our 2 year old and 4 month old are in. Before he confessed to his alcoholism in September I was going crazy trying to figure out what was wrong; rage attacks, bi polar, schizophrenia, suppressed family issues, etc. I forced him into seeing 3 therapists individually and our marriage counselor that we still see. Mostly a huge waste of money because he lied continually to the individual ones and isn't sober long enough to actually work on legit marital issues. We fight a lot, uh yeah, because your husband is a angry drunk and he gets drunk daily. Not much that one willing partner and communication skills can do to fix that.
In regards to the 90 days of consecutive meetings, I suggested on Saturday that he love in a studio apartment during that time so we could BOTH form new healthy habits, but if course this scares him (douche canoe, I'M the single mother in this situation and HE is scared.)

SparkleKitty

Not to hijack but "douche canoe' is just about the best thing I have heard all day.

honeypig

Stung, I'm going to strongly suggest Alanon; it's a great source of support and education. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.org/ Many meetings have childcare available, too.

SR is a great place to be, but it can be very useful to have some help in the real world, too, especially if your A is abusive and you might need a place to stay some night if he's out of control. Alanon can give you that and so much more.

Best wishes w/finding out your legal rights and starting to make a life of your own.

NWGRITS

Document, document, document. Every rage, every threat, every instance in which he touches you or you feel threatened and leave. Call the cops if he's raging drunk. You have a right to live safely in your own home. And those poor babies. Please seek legal advice right away. I don't know about your location, but in Washington you can request a guardian ad litem to act as an advocate on behalf of the children. Their concern isn't you or him, it's the children. They look at both sides and really try to get to the bottom of the he-said-she-said. We are getting one in an attempt to have sole physical custody of my two step-children. They are living part-time in a home with a pedophile who isn't much older than they are, and mom is a waste of oxygen to begin with. Anyway, please talk to a lawyer and see what resources are out there to protect yourself and the children.