what's wrong with me?
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
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what's wrong with me?
I should be happy, but I'm really not.
My XABF had this third overnight visitation this weekend, and he just called and said that he took our three year old son (with his wife, who is the court appointed supervisor) to our son's favorite theme park and that our son had a great time. He put our son on the phone and he sounded happy. My ex got back on the phone and asked if he could bring our son later than the court-appointed drop-off time because he wants to take him to a kid's birthday party. I told him no because I have plans.
As I've shared in my previous posts, I'm still heart-broken that I will never have the family I wanted so badly with my XABF, myself, and our son. I wanted to share all those special moments with my son, but we're not together, this is the way it has to be. I have told myself over and over that it is just a fantasy, that I we never even had a family in the first place because we were never married, we never lived together, he was always out partying and drinking and cheating on me with other women and he was never there for our son or me.
But now, he's married, he has a stable job, he lives with his wife, and when my son is with them, they are doing all the things I always wanted to do as a family. My ex and I have been broken up for over two years, I think I should be over this already. It gets better every day, but now I'm feeling like crap again because...things seem to be going well? I should be happy for my son, right? Why do I just feel so alone and terrible about all of this?
I guess the holidays don't help. I feel more alone than ever. I moved away from my family and childhood friends and my support network for school about three years ago, so that doesn't help. I have made some good friends in my new city, but it's not the same as having my mom, sister, and best friends around.
When will this sink in? When will I heal? My ex is still actively drinking, he is emotionally abusive and possibly has NPD (he has often told me that he does not have a conscience), his family believes that he physically abuses his wife, he is a pathological liar, etc, etc, etc. WHY AM I STILL STUCK AND HURTING THEN? I get so frustrated and angry with myself.
I have been through so much pain, I just want someone to hug me sometimes, you know? I know it's better to be alone than in bad company, but the loneliness is getting the best of me.
My XABF had this third overnight visitation this weekend, and he just called and said that he took our three year old son (with his wife, who is the court appointed supervisor) to our son's favorite theme park and that our son had a great time. He put our son on the phone and he sounded happy. My ex got back on the phone and asked if he could bring our son later than the court-appointed drop-off time because he wants to take him to a kid's birthday party. I told him no because I have plans.
As I've shared in my previous posts, I'm still heart-broken that I will never have the family I wanted so badly with my XABF, myself, and our son. I wanted to share all those special moments with my son, but we're not together, this is the way it has to be. I have told myself over and over that it is just a fantasy, that I we never even had a family in the first place because we were never married, we never lived together, he was always out partying and drinking and cheating on me with other women and he was never there for our son or me.
But now, he's married, he has a stable job, he lives with his wife, and when my son is with them, they are doing all the things I always wanted to do as a family. My ex and I have been broken up for over two years, I think I should be over this already. It gets better every day, but now I'm feeling like crap again because...things seem to be going well? I should be happy for my son, right? Why do I just feel so alone and terrible about all of this?
I guess the holidays don't help. I feel more alone than ever. I moved away from my family and childhood friends and my support network for school about three years ago, so that doesn't help. I have made some good friends in my new city, but it's not the same as having my mom, sister, and best friends around.
When will this sink in? When will I heal? My ex is still actively drinking, he is emotionally abusive and possibly has NPD (he has often told me that he does not have a conscience), his family believes that he physically abuses his wife, he is a pathological liar, etc, etc, etc. WHY AM I STILL STUCK AND HURTING THEN? I get so frustrated and angry with myself.
I have been through so much pain, I just want someone to hug me sometimes, you know? I know it's better to be alone than in bad company, but the loneliness is getting the best of me.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
butterfly---You have not yet built enough of a new life for yourself to let go of the past. Of course, it takes time and focus on yourself to build a "new" life--but, you will get there!
Yes, the holidays can make u s all nostalgic...sigh.
You are looking at their outsides with your insides. He is a drunk; Has NPD; abuses his wife; and he is a cheater. Do you REALLY want another piece of that???
You never had a family with the worm---but, you have a chance to have real family, some time in the future. Put your focus back on yourself and learn about yourself so that you never partner with the likes of him, ever again.
You have a bright future awaiting you---if you want it. Remember, that all that glitters is not gold.
dandylion
Yes, the holidays can make u s all nostalgic...sigh.
You are looking at their outsides with your insides. He is a drunk; Has NPD; abuses his wife; and he is a cheater. Do you REALLY want another piece of that???
You never had a family with the worm---but, you have a chance to have real family, some time in the future. Put your focus back on yourself and learn about yourself so that you never partner with the likes of him, ever again.
You have a bright future awaiting you---if you want it. Remember, that all that glitters is not gold.
dandylion
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Thanks for your kind words, Dandylion. 
I feel that I have tried really hard, but it's somehow not enough. I've gone to Al-Anon, I've gone to counseling, I focus on school, I've forced myself to try new things and meet new people, I meditate, I pray, I have cleaned up my diet and I have been practicing more healthy lifestyle choices. But the pain is still there...it's not as painful as it used to be, but it's still there...
I feel that I have tried really hard, but it's somehow not enough. I've gone to Al-Anon, I've gone to counseling, I focus on school, I've forced myself to try new things and meet new people, I meditate, I pray, I have cleaned up my diet and I have been practicing more healthy lifestyle choices. But the pain is still there...it's not as painful as it used to be, but it's still there...
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Originally Posted by Raider 
Butterfly wish I could hug you right now. Are you in the frozen North? You could spend Christmas with my family!!!
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butterfly---I applaud your efforts---but, you know it takes time. You are grieving the l oss of a "dream"---grief takes it's own time. Would you tell a widow that she should be completely over everything at the end of 2yrs?...I doubt it.
Having contact because of your child probably slows down the detachment process--and , the fact that you keep believing the fake image he puts in front of your face.
Think of him with a big "L" tatooed on his forehead--for "LIAR".
dandylion
Having contact because of your child probably slows down the detachment process--and , the fact that you keep believing the fake image he puts in front of your face.
Think of him with a big "L" tatooed on his forehead--for "LIAR".
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I think the pain may stay quite a bit longer and you are going to have to get to a point of acceptance with that reality.
But you can be in pain and still enjoy many aspects of your life.
And love yourself all the more, recognizing your courage and appreciating what you endure.
Patience. It will come.
But you can be in pain and still enjoy many aspects of your life.
And love yourself all the more, recognizing your courage and appreciating what you endure.
Patience. It will come.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
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There is nothing wrong with you sweetie. You fell in love and were happy, for a short time. That's a very heady combination. Especially if, like me, the one thing you want for your life is to be happy and in love.
The only problem is you and many others of us got unlucky with who we fell in love with. They cannot give us what we so desperately want and that hurts for as long as we don't have it. Perhaps the pain never fully goes away, but rather if you can come to the point where you can accept that it is the happy ending you really want, not what this man actually brought with him. It would have been worse pain to stay with him.
Sending you many hugs and love
The only problem is you and many others of us got unlucky with who we fell in love with. They cannot give us what we so desperately want and that hurts for as long as we don't have it. Perhaps the pain never fully goes away, but rather if you can come to the point where you can accept that it is the happy ending you really want, not what this man actually brought with him. It would have been worse pain to stay with him.
Sending you many hugs and love
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Yes, I have to admit that it is driving me crazy that everything *appears* to be going so great with my ex. That he is finally doing everything that I always wanted. But like you mentioned, all that glitters is not gold. I know it's just a facade, it's fake, because a real relationship cannot exist with someone like my ex.
I'm going to keep trying my best with my healing. Thank you again for the responses
I'm going to keep trying my best with my healing. Thank you again for the responses
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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butterfly---think of an elaborate movie set. It looks so grand and so real in the movie. But, if you visited the movie set--you would be shocked and disappointed at what it looks like "backstage".
dandylion
dandylion
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng
I think the pain may stay quite a bit longer and you are going to have to get to a point of acceptance with that reality.
But you can be in pain and still enjoy many aspects of your life.
And love yourself all the more, recognizing your courage and appreciating what you endure.
Patience. It will come.
But you can be in pain and still enjoy many aspects of your life.
And love yourself all the more, recognizing your courage and appreciating what you endure.
Patience. It will come.
I think I may need to look into medication for depression. This sadness/numbness has lingered for so long. I haven't been on medication before because I'm weary of it, but it may be time to try something new.
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Originally Posted by shil2587
There is nothing wrong with you sweetie. You fell in love and were happy, for a short time. That's a very heady combination. Especially if, like me, the one thing you want for your life is to be happy and in love.
The only problem is you and many others of us got unlucky with who we fell in love with. They cannot give us what we so desperately want and that hurts for as long as we don't have it. Perhaps the pain never fully goes away, but rather if you can come to the point where you can accept that it is the happy ending you really want, not what this man actually brought with him. It would have been worse pain to stay with him.
Sending you many hugs and love
The only problem is you and many others of us got unlucky with who we fell in love with. They cannot give us what we so desperately want and that hurts for as long as we don't have it. Perhaps the pain never fully goes away, but rather if you can come to the point where you can accept that it is the happy ending you really want, not what this man actually brought with him. It would have been worse pain to stay with him.
Sending you many hugs and love
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
butterfly--you have to heal yourself, first.
Someone, here on the forum (I think Anvilhead) once pointed out that dating is not a good treatment plan.
(of course, when you are healed enough--the romance is fun!).
DANDYLION
Someone, here on the forum (I think Anvilhead) once pointed out that dating is not a good treatment plan.
(of course, when you are healed enough--the romance is fun!).
DANDYLION
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Thanks, dandylion. But that's what I'm confused about, at what point am I healed enough to date again? It's been going on three years now since the break-up. I have tried really hard to recover and heal but time keeps crawling by. But maybe---it's one of those things when I'll just know when it's time?
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BUTTERFLY---you will be closer to ready when you have been able to let go of this pain (grief) as the center of your thinking/feeling, and understand how you were able to get into an intimate relationship with a person who is toxic to you--and want to stay there.
Likely, this will involve doing some family of origin work with a good therapist (in addition to alanon, of course).
When you find that you are able to be happy--even without an intimate mate--then, you will be able to enter into a healthy love partnership for the right reasons---to m utully share your blessings together. Not just to fill a Hole in your soul with the temporary excitement of new romance.
Please excuse me if my words sound harsh to your ears---but, I had to learn these things, too.
In case I sound l ike the Grinch--I really am a great proponent of love....LOL.
dandylion
Likely, this will involve doing some family of origin work with a good therapist (in addition to alanon, of course).
When you find that you are able to be happy--even without an intimate mate--then, you will be able to enter into a healthy love partnership for the right reasons---to m utully share your blessings together. Not just to fill a Hole in your soul with the temporary excitement of new romance.
Please excuse me if my words sound harsh to your ears---but, I had to learn these things, too.
In case I sound l ike the Grinch--I really am a great proponent of love....LOL.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Butterfly- it may help to work on your triggers. I'm sure he is not on your mind while your busy with work and your child but when it is his time all those dam triggers sound off. Maybe hit up more al-anon meetings on the weekend he has visitation. Maybe schedule your counseling appointments on the Monday after.
Get some phone numbers of people in al-anon and use those numbers while your child is away and with him.
Even though we know in our minds they are no good for us, when we are left alone and feeling lonely all those thoughts can consume us.
Get some phone numbers of people in al-anon and use those numbers while your child is away and with him.
Even though we know in our minds they are no good for us, when we are left alone and feeling lonely all those thoughts can consume us.
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Originally Posted by butterfly2013
Yes, I have to admit that it is driving me crazy that everything *appears* to be going so great with my ex. That he is finally doing everything that I always wanted. But like you mentioned, all that glitters is not gold. I know it's just a facade, it's fake, because a real relationship cannot exist with someone like my ex.
I'm going to keep trying my best with my healing. Thank you again for the responses
I'm going to keep trying my best with my healing. Thank you again for the responses
Sorry you're hurting. Time will help you heal. It took 3 or 4 years for me to heal from my divorce, and we didn't have kids.
Hugs to you. xo
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