It has been awhile- thought I would update

Old 12-05-2013, 05:57 AM
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It has been awhile- thought I would update

So it has been several months since I've posted- been struggling with my own issues.

EXRAG is now probably better classified as EX-EXRAG.. We have been spending time together. She is 8 months sober and actively working her program. She is working 40 hours per week in retail, within walking distance from her apartment, at about 25% of her annual salary before she lost her job. The legal issues concluded yesterday. The prosecutor would not back down on her last DUI (4th) - she did not get any jail time, or convicted as a felon, but she lost her license for life. This will make reentering the corporate world very difficult, if not impossible.

I am struggling with wanting to save her. She is able to support herself financially, but barely. She will be moving into a 1br appt in a few weeks to cut down her expenses. But given her new income levels, and her expenses, she will barely get by. If she moved back in with me, it would remove so many of the financial fears that she has. But I won't. But I want to.
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Old 12-05-2013, 05:59 AM
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...No jail time, and not a felon, after 4 DUI's? That's just wrong.
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Old 12-05-2013, 06:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Crazed View Post

I am struggling with wanting to save her. But I won't. But I want to.
Hey.

You know the saying from the AA side of the wall?

Pain Drives My (the A) Train.

When we/you/I save them, it cheats them out of their pain and consequences and thwarts the recovery.

She is having to face some of what she has caused. Such a problem.
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Old 12-05-2013, 06:26 AM
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It must be very difficult to see her struggle, but you know in the end it will be good for her. She is suffering the consequences of her actions. Barely getting by isn't the end of the world. It's made me much stronger as a person and I really appreciate what I have.

Hugs to you, Hammer.
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Old 12-05-2013, 06:27 AM
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I'm happy to hear that she is still in recovery, Crazed. I hope, for her sake, that it continues.

Please don't get in the way of that by providing her a soft place to land....

She sounds like she has a plan and is working all of this out on her own--as an adult--as she is perfectly capable of doing. I have faith in her abilities, I hope you will, too.
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Old 12-05-2013, 06:32 AM
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Originally Posted by readerbaby71 View Post
It must be very difficult to see her struggle, but you know in the end it will be good for her. She is suffering the consequences of her actions. Barely getting by isn't the end of the world. It's made me much stronger as a person and I really appreciate what I have.

Hugs to you, Hammer.
OOPS! I don't know why I thought the OP was Hammer. I am not awake yet. Sorry, Crazed. I hope you feel better soon.
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Old 12-05-2013, 06:37 AM
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...No jail time, and not a felon, after 4 DUI's? That's just wrong.
Hard to defend, but there were extenuating circumstances on the 4th (would have been reduced had it been you or I with no priors).
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Old 12-05-2013, 06:44 AM
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Thanks for the comments. I know that moving her in at this point would only lead to later resentments, and old behaviors... On both parts.

And Hammer can always use an extra hug
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Old 12-05-2013, 06:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Crazed View Post

And Hammer can always use an extra hug
True dat.
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Old 12-05-2013, 06:54 AM
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Originally Posted by readerbaby71 View Post

Hugs to you, Hammer.
welllll . . . . good morning, sweetheart.
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Old 12-05-2013, 07:02 AM
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Crazed, I thought that I would point out that there are many people who live in large cities, who have high level jobs, who never own a car. Public transportation and cabs and walking and bicycles (and mopeds of a certain size).

congratulations on your progress---and her progress!!

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Old 12-05-2013, 07:06 AM
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I am struggling with wanting to save her.
She is 8 months sober and actively working her program. She is working 40 hours per week in retail, within walking distance from her apartment

save her from what??? sounds like she's doing fine! lotta people live on less and make do. it's not like she's stuck in a swamp full of alligators. let HER be in charge of HER life, quit trying to fix stuff!! no toolbox required!
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Old 12-05-2013, 07:56 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Crazed, I thought that I would point out that there are many people who live in large cities, who have high level jobs, who never own a car. Public transportation and cabs and walking and bicycles (and mopeds of a certain size).

congratulations on your progress---and her progress!!

dandylion
Seconding this, and she's saving a good deal of money not owning a car as well. I lost my car last year (when a drunk driver drove into it and totaled it, an accident completely unrelated to my AH) and I decided to try living without it for a while. Got my bicycle fixed up, put some sweet panniers on it, and started riding to work and around town for a good 50% of my trips. I use the subway/bus for most everything else. So I'm no longer spending $300-400/month on car insurance/gas/maintenance. In fact, I haven't even looked at the price of gas in several months, I'm sure it's still out of control though!

That being said, I do live in a fairly large East coast city that was built before cars existed, so it was a super easy transition.
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Old 12-05-2013, 09:37 AM
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The biggest "saving" comes to mind with providing her security, especially long-term financial. But Anvil, you are right. The saving feeling comes from my own Codie behavior, not because she needs it at this current time.

Our public transportation here is terrible- we live in suburbia, with limited bussing, etc. A big city would be much easier without a license.
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Old 12-05-2013, 10:01 AM
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Bicycles seem popular with the "DUI challenged" crowd.

But this guy is still my favorite >>>

Man Pleads To La-Z-Boy DWI | The Smoking Gun
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Old 12-05-2013, 12:09 PM
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Hard to defend,
Never put it past a codie... wait for it...

but there were extenuating circumstances on the 4th (would have been reduced had it been you or I with no priors).
The reason it wasn't reduced? She has a standing pattern of offenses. No, she didn't deserve leniency because she didn't learn the first three times.

Don't save her. Let her save herself. You want to treat her out to a nice dinner sometime? Ask her out. But back off and let her be an adult.

I recently heard something about us codies that rang a lot of alarm bells for me. We are attracted to a) people who are impossible to win over, and/or b) people who set off our care-taking impulses.

Do a little self-check. When I catch myself in this dynamic, I put the brakes on.
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Old 12-05-2013, 04:26 PM
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Thanks for updating us.
Hugs.
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