Ruby2

This is tricky and will probably be long as I gather my thoughts. I earlier posted that I am a double winner, my slate isn't clean as I am an alcoholic and newly sober after a relapse but I also am dealing with an alcoholic/addict husband. He hasn't used or drank since Saturday. Gosh.. A whole two days and already I am messing up. He is on his high horse about everything, now that he is "sober." I apparently can't tell the truth or give my point of view without being accused of lying. Everything I say is apparently a lie. "I'm waiting for you to tell the TRUTH!" If I say anything, anything at all, try to explain why i am hurt, or to try to defend myself I get talked over and interrupted. He just always talks over me. If he says he won't talk, he doesn't say anything and then I get an "umm hmmmmmm." Like i am lying again. I am so tired of this. I am not allowed to be hurt, angry, disappointed, sad or anything from what he has done. I am expected to stay sober while he screws up and Accept his "well, I haven't been drinking today" because he is "sober" now. I am the weakest link in the relationship. He knows everything and what he knows is best. A bunch of effin b.s. and I am accused of drinking again, or being drunk if I say anything. And then my tone of voice. I am sarcastic. I am snide. I admit that. i am a mean person sometimes. But darn it....I am tired of all the junk and I have to have a voice!

He tells me tonight that "The guys" in the neighborhood are telling him about things I "do" at home while he is gone. No specifics. Just that ...whatever. So nothing i can defend against and even if i were, it would all be met with tone of voice that i was lying. Um...I am at work during the day and even if I get "long lunches" during the day I am not at the house at lunch and haven't been since I went to inpatient treatment in October 2012. A whole year ago. Sometimes i would come home if i had a long lunch and have a drink but not any more because it is a bad idea. And these guys? Are all the addict/alcoholics that he hangs out with. I guess that I'm not supposed to believe anything they tell me about AH but he believes what they say about me implicitly and then hurls at me. It is always the "guys" in the neighborhood with veiled or outright accusations of infidelity. That I was contriving something with his drug dealer, who I have never seen but who has called and threatened me. It makes my skin crawl.

I am apparently always lying, always looking at online dating services (umm, the spam that ALL of us get? I don't think I am looking for Russian ladies to marry or Viagra), always looking for the next man. Deliberately deceiving him about everything. I have never loved him. i had that "look" on my face after we exchanged marriage vows. Whatever that means. He has to be around to make sure the kids are fine because they don't do so well when he isn't around, doncha know? All the junk he says to me.

My average day for the record? I wake up before my alarm at about 6 a.m. I smoke a cigarette and have some coffee. I check SR while freezing to death while smoking outside on the back porch because i dont smoke inside and then come inside to make the kids' lunches and wake them up and make sure they are dressed and fed. I take them to school at 7:40 a.m. I have to be at work absolutely no later than 9a.m. EVER. Because it is court and court starts at 9 when the judge gets on the bench. We never know when lunch is or how long it will last. When I am done in court I have to go to the office. Basically just to be seen, it is so stupid I won't explain but I'm there for an hour, two at the most. I fight traffic for an hour and get home between six and six thirty most nights. Then it is getting the kids fed and bathed. Getting the kids into bed. Washing the sink full of dishes. Maybe, just maybe watching a little bit of television that isn't spongebob before going to bed and starting it all over again the next day. When, on God's green acres, would I ever have time to hook up with some guy? Really? Why would i even want to, in the remotest part of my brain, set sside for masochism? Everything is another example of my perfidy. Wrong numbers on the phone? Must be "someone" trying to get ahold of me. I must "know" these numbers and another hmmm?!? If I say no.

Meanwhile, AH is almost always either in bed sleeping off last nights binge, sleeping because he just feels like it or is working. Washed dishes maybe, maybe, five times in the past three months. Laundry! Maybe five times in the last two months. Gets up periodically to play super daddy and make me look like the grinch.

Any double winners getting punched down out there,by their,stuff? i need help. It is like I feel like I don't have a clean slate and am not entitled to be outraged at all this. The kids have been back in school since late August and I have been doing everything. Everything. For three months while he has been sleeping off his latest. And I'm suddenly a piece of crap liar. He is being gracious and doing me a favor by going to work. And even then I don't get his entire check. " you have gotten money." My credit,bill meanwhile has zoomed up,from 700 dollars in June to almost 4 grand since he relapsed but then while he has been working he accuses me of being super bad with money and why can't I pay the bills?

NWGRITS

You're not crazy.

Ok, so I wrote that before I even read your post. Even so, after reading it, you're still not crazy. He's being an A and doing what A's do. I don't have much advice in this particular realm, but I do have a ton of hugs for you. (((Ruby2)))

Ruby2

Thank you SO much. I am really, really feeling down. The bottom of a shoe would be above me at the moment. I HATE being accused of lying. HATE it!!!

Loopydays

I just want to say You Are Not Crazy....
It's what my RAH does too, I think he has a strong need to be superior
I don't have much advice- it's easy to say detach, so hard to do!!
Tons of hugs,

Ruby2

Loopy days, thanks. I think it is the wanting to feel superior that drives my AH to do and say this. He apparently hates the check that pays the bills. He is driving me absolutely crazy and then looks up when I say anything like "what??' He told me the other night that he was going to steal a cargo van and get five grand for it. I looked at him and wondered. He didnt do it but Really? I would not have been taking my kids to see a convicted felon in prison. But I am the bad guy? The one who gets everyone together?

FeelingGreat

Hi Ruby, I just wanted to reach out to you as it's obvious that not only are you not crazy but there's some systematic abuse going on and it's no wonder you are being ground down.
Is his paranoia new since he stopped using, i.e. a result of him having withdrawals, or does he carry on like this regardless? It sounds like a mental health issue and you might want to consider the possibility of it getting worse. Do you have any fear of violence?
The financial side is also a red flag as it sound like you are supporting the family and running up debt on your own which is unsustainable. He has an obligation to support the children.
It doesn't sound like you can talk to him at the moment, but have you considered taking the initiative in other ways by consulting a domestic violence helpline (it doesn't have to be physical), or even a lawyer? You can't go on like this, something has to give.
Thinking of you, I hope it improves soon.

PippiLngstockng

Ruby, your slate isn't clean and your A is trying to reinforce your feelings of guilt or unworthiness so that you don't break free of him. He wants to keep you wrestling with him. Then you won't be able to clearly see and act on the obvious.

You need to take back your life and you are entitled to freedom and peace from this madness.

PippiLngstockng

P.S. no one has a perfectly clean slate. For me I get enraged from AH's manipulations. I used to slam doors and throw things and my bad behavior kept me from feeling like I could seek help. I kept wanting to wait until I could behave perfectly before I felt I could get clear of him.

Problem is, XAH tried everything to get me off balance and I had to get out anyway.

You deserve better no matter what imperfection you may bear.

Seren

Hi Ruby....

I'm so sorry. I hope you realize that you do not have to accept that sort of treatment. Ignoring the tantrums is probably a useful skill to learn, but it certainly takes practice.

Sending hugs, S

Katiekate

What he is doing Ruby is called projection, i lived with it for a very long time, and yes I thought I was crazy.

You might also want to do some reading on passive agression and possibly bpd.

It took me a long time to step outside of the mess I was in to really begin to see what was going on.

It's not fair, it's not right, and there really is no point in discussing any of it with him.

He is so deep in his denial and mess he will never see it.

It's sounds awful, I got to the point where I was afraid to talk to my x because I knew there was just more Katie bashing coming.

It is so important for you to protect your sobriety and sanity right now.

I could not be around that and heal.

Katie xo

Hawkeye13

H Ruby;
I agree he is trying to keep control by keeping you off balance and defensive.

This kind of abuse cannot be healthy for you or your children.
It is also scary that your debt is creeping up but he shows no signs of real recovery.

I also don't have a clean slate, but I did tell my husband that if he couldn't move past my drinking days and had to constantly throw them in my face,
then we had no future as I was willing to be patient for awhile, but not from now on.

What do you need to do in this situation to begin to change the odds? Sounds like he is not getting better, is he?

Hugs to you. I'm amazed at how many married people on this list are working full time and functioning as single parents despite being married.
Dealing with the addict is just one extra burden. How much can you carry for how long?

JustAGirl1971

Ruby, you are absolutely NOT crazy. Mine does the same thing. He's a month sober and honestly, I almost wish he was drinking again. At least then he was mellow. Now he's just mean! Thankfully, it's all directed at me (& not the kids) because it's all my fault! It makes me sad to say this, but I think I'm done. We should not have to live like this.

As for the clean slate thing, we all have things in our past, even those of us who don't battle addictions. If you've made amends & changed then he should forgive you and leave it in the past. Constantly throwing up past mistakes is not constructive. If he can't forgive you for those past mistakes, then he should be honest so you can move on.
Though, honestly, *I* think he's just throwing up those mistakes to make himself feel better. You've changed. He's seen it. He hasn't changed. That makes him feel insecure and worse about his own failings so he tears you down to make himself feel better. Totally not fair.

You're doing a great job, Ruby! Just keep working on you

readerbaby71

You are not crazy. You're holding it together extraordinarily well. IGNORE his bs if you can and take care of you and your kids. Focus on your own recovery. You're doing great!

xoxo Hugs to you.

Hammer

Let's start with the start . . . two days sober . . . ummm . . . aint really sober, now is it.

I know, I know, they give out the 23 hours chip, and everybody claps . . . but really. Two days . . . is more like mildly de-drunked.

So. Question for YOU. Why in the world would YOU listen or argue with a Drunk?

Come on. You have the background. You have to know better.

===============

btw -- going off Alanon and ON TO FINANCIAL MATTERS -- A JOINT CREDIT CARD WITH A DRUNK!!!! WTF??!?!? Did I mis-read that? Or is it just yours and you are using it to cover and enable a Drunk?

Kill that bad boy NOW.

Quish16

None of us are perfect - but Ruby you have the 'insight' to realise and take responsibility.
Don't beat yourself up.
Keep posting and I wish you every happiness in a truly horrible situation - you are obviously doing your best and that is all any of us can do!

SparkleKitty

Ruby, you have to own your truth. He is like a mosquito, buzzing around and making a lot of noise, trying to pierce your skin. Just because he is incapable of recognizing all you do doesn't make it any less real. Just because he is floundering and blaming doesn't make him right.

It would be awesome if he were supportive and humble, but he isn't, and there's nothing you can do to change that. You have enough on your plate anyway without taking that on. Looking to him for support and validation is like going to the hardware store for bread. You got this, no matter what he does. Sending you strength to keep on keeping on.

Fandy

Isn't your husband the one who worries about owing his dealer $$ before paying bills?, was worried that the dealer would break the windows (in the house where his children live) if you did not give him $100.00?

the one who took $$ from your coat pocket and change to buy booze? I cannot remember if he lost his job or not, but you seem to be supporting him

and he is berating YOU? Good Grief, if you have the energy to pack his flat asss and get rid of him, please consider it, he is dragging you right off a cliff....I agree this is terrible for the kids.

hopeful4

Always remember...for each and every single one of us...it is actions...not words. He is quacking. I agree w/ Mr. Hammer...two days does not make one sober. No way.

You already know the answers...you just need refirmation.

Hugs.

Refiner

Ai yi yi ((((Ruby2)))). He's dealing with guilt himself so wants you in the same boat with him and accusing you of things. And the whole thing about "what the neighbor guys are saying" is him just fishing. I haven't had a chance to read through all the posts yet but I highly recommend you separating your finances if he's not the breadwinner and is running up "YOUR" tab (credit card). It sounds like he can be dangerous in this manner and you need to have stability for your kids (let alone sanity for you). Keep us posted. Take care.

ladyscribbler

Big hugs Ruby. Sounds like you're having a rough time lately. But you're still doing it all, running a household, taking care of kids and staying strong in your own sobriety.
As for the quacks... I used to hear that kind of junk all the time. The wild accusations, the nonsense- "the look on your face" when you took your wedding vows? WTF? He's like a chimpanzee throwing a bunch of crap at the wall to see what sticks. Too bad they don't come with a mute button, especially when they "sober up" for 48 hours (because they're broke) and start getting all sanctimonious.
Sending lots of positive energy your way, and I would just like to say in closing...Duffel bag?