JustAGirl1971

Just wondering if any of you ever do or have gone to an AA meeting with your A for moral support? If so, was it a positive or negative experience? Something that's recommended or frowned upon? And, if any As or RAs are reading, did your SO go with you? Helpful or not?

Johnston

My wife went once with me to an AA meeting and once to an Alanon meeting by herself. In both cases she said the people seemed unhealthy, and she never went back

Recovering2

I just went to an AA meeting with my RABF, only because he got his 1 yr chip and asked me to be there. Other than that, I don't attend with him. His recovery is his responsibility. I focus on my own recovery with AlAnon, and let him be responsbile for his.

FireSprite

I don't attend with RAH - I would if he asked me to for a specific reason but otherwise I would feel like I was intruding on his recovery time.

dandylion

Johnston---I don't mean to offend--please ignore me, if I do---but, I had to laugh out loud at your post!!!!!

I wonder what your wife expected---pictures of glowing health?

dandylion

hopeful4

I attend Celebrate Recovery w/my AH. There is a large group worship time and he is in the band and then we divide into small groups where I go w/the codependent women he goes w/the A men. I like it b/c it is something we have done together. If it were just an AA meeting, no, I would not attend. I am not his sponsor or his accountability partner nor do I feel like he would feel free to speak about issues that may involve me and he needs that open time.

hopeful4

I was thinking that too...but did not want to say anything! I am glad it was not just me thinking that LOL!

JustAGirl1971

Thank you, everyone! I think I should qualify. I wouldn't be attending all the time. Just the initial meeting or two for moral support (he has anxiety issues with crowds.) I will be attending Al-Anon on my own.

Johnston

^^^ no offense taken, you two. I think it's pretty funny too. My wife is the ultimate normie.

FireSprite

JMHO but to me this crosses the line from supportive to codependent - he's a BIG BOY and if his anxiety is an issue, it's something he should discuss with his Dr. You can't be there to hold his hand through every new & intimidating experience & if you start out recovery with this blurred boundary, it's possible you are setting yourself(ves) up for failure to some extent.

Again, JMHO, I'm NOT telling you what to do - just how *I* see it.

hopeful4

I agree FS. When we first started going to Celebrate Recovery my AH was in rehab and I was forced to go alone. The ONLY reason I went was because in my codependent mind these people were going to keep him on the right track and make sure he is "fixed" after rehab. I thought I was just going to meet the people I would be "dropping him off with" on Sunday nights. HAHAHAH. Little did I know....I did not know what codependency means, had no idea. I also think that walk into the building by myself that night is something I will always remember. It is quite symbolistic for me, something I ended up doing FOR ME. Had they not been standing there and literally pulled me (gently lol) in the door I would have left. I believe it was fate....and something I will NEVER EVER forget.

Let him be a man. Let him be in charge of HIS OWN recovery. Sometimes people will only socialize and open up if they are forced to. If my AH had been with me that night it would have been completely different. I am so thankful he was not, it made me go...FOR ME. Let him do this for himself, you go to Alanon for you!

Good Luck and God Bless!

JustAGirl1971

Thanks, FireSprite. I hadn't considered it from that standpoint. You're right, it probably is not a good way to start out recovery. Would you consider it codependent if we rode together and he attended an AA meeting while I attended Al-Anon? Or, is this something he needs to do totally on his own?

(FWIW, I have been to al-anon, just haven't been to enough meetings to find the right group for me.)

JustAGirl1971

Hopeful, do you attend Celebrate Recovery at your home church or another church? I've been considering CR, too. To be honest, I think attending CR at my home church terrifies me more than walking into an Al-Anon meeting with no one I know did.

hopeful4

JustAGirl...I attend at our sister church that we are very close with. Yes, it was overwhelming to walk in, I was scared I would know people. LOL...Wow...what a look back. Now I could not care who else knows I go, I am proud that I go! There are a few here, there is another one I have been to at another church, it's good too. My group sometimes field trips over there lol! Actually it has been great for me. I did my codependency 12 step w/the group I regularly attend at our sister church and I am so glad I did. I purposely waited until they offered one there b/c I had gotten so close to my group of ladies.

I love it. I feel like it is a huge part of a new lease on life for me. They have taught me so much and been so supportive of me. I truly had no idea I would ever be going for me!I have been to Alanon also, I was just looking for support and heard about that. It was not for me but I think it was just the group of people. You have to find a group you click with. I encourage you to attend CR. Ours has been going for a pretty long time and our ministry leaders are very organized and know what they are doing. The church also really supports the program which makes a big difference in what they can do (trainings, etc). My AH plays in the band and I am part of leadership in that I lead meetings quite often. The church actually sent us to training at Saddleback Church in California where they developed CR. It was a mind blowing, life change experience.

Good luck and God Bless!

FireSprite

*I* don't think carpooling is codependent in & of itself.

However - if he wasn't ready to leave on time I wouldn't hesitate to jump in the car to make my meeting & tell him "Sorry, we'll have to take separate cars!". I wouldn't let his schedule or feet-dragging spill over onto me & MY time (just an example).

Think about this too - sometimes after meetings there is a LOT to think about & I like my time alone driving to mentally work through any new information or thoughts; so for me that alone time is precious. (I'm thinking of my reiki meeting nights) Sometimes I don't want to go right home, I drive around, listening to music & letting things sink in. I would not want to feel obligated to have a conversation at that time so I would find RAH's presence intrusive. Just another perspective for you.

hopeful4

We drive to CR together and leave together unless one of us has to be there earlier for one reason or another. Sometimes the CR band practices early and I don't want to go that early so we will go separately.

Ruby2

I may have missed something along the way here but unless it is an open AA meeting or you are a double winner like I am you wouldn't be sitting in the AA meeting and would be asked to leave if it is NOT an open meeting.

That said, I have in the past gone to AA meetings in moral support of my husband but I will not do so anymore. In my opinion, I find that it interferes with my own recovery process from alcohol because I may not want to share something with my AH sitting there. I also think that when I am there he QUACKS what he thinks I want to hear when he shares in the discussion.

I would say carpooling is okay if you have the same or similar destination. I wouldn't attend meetings with him initially (if you are also an alcoholic). It can be done but not in new sobriety or shaky grasp on sobriety. There is a lovely couple, married for years and both sober for years that attend the same meetings I attend. They are not newcomers or in denial. I think they each have about 26 years sober.

Hammer

Way back when we first got together, I was doing T for PTSD type stuff, and Mrs. Hammer was in AA about 3 or 4 years. I did two T sessions a week, and she would go to one with me, and I would try to go to an Open AA meeting with her once a week.

Always lots of fun and friendly, and when folks would figure out "why" I was there, they were usually real helpful and supportive. At "Christmas Parties" or whatever, folks would usually have to stop and figure out that He (me) was not the A, and that She (Mrs. Hammer) was the A. I do not that is so unusual anymore.

Pretty good times looking back. We would hit some while traveling, too. I recall we did an AA meeting in NY City while visiting her sponsor, a meeting in an old shack on a mountain side in Tennessee on Christmas Eve. Some real fun at AA conventions in Shreveport.

One of those was soooo . . . funny. We arrived in town late and could not get a real hotel room. I "saved" things by getting us a "rent by the hour" hooker hotel. Great place (yech) mirrors on the walls and ceiling and cameras and video. I kept laughing about us staying in a Crack Ho Hotel. She kept telling me to shut the hell up -- some of her good friends there in AA actually were former Crack Hos.

I Love Her. I sure hope she makes it back out of all this ok.

honeypig

This is my understanding also. AA is for the A him/herself, not for friends or family members unless they are also A's themselves.

Open meetings are another matter, and are set up with the expectations that non-A's will attend. Virtually every Alanon open meeting I've been to has been described as an "Alanon open meeting w/AA participation" as there will be a speaker from each team, as it were. Open AA meetings in this area are described in a similar fashion.

Otherwise, for all the reasons listed above, I don't think non-A's have any business in an AA meeting. I would especially agree w/the comments on inhibiting the sharing and the quacking issues, as my A and I had attended the same meeting for a time (Buddhist-flavored 12 step, neither AA nor Alanon) and found it problematic pretty quickly.

Carlotta

I went when XABF had some sober spells (before I got to Al Anon) and had a very similar experience to Ruby, it inhibited my sharing and he did a LOT of quacking on my behalf too. It was also very unhealthy for me as a codie because going to meetings with him was a way for me to make sure he went and monitor his recovery (that, checking out how "used" his big book was and calling his sponsor among other things LOL). I went out of my way to try to control his (lack) of recovery and spent a lot of time and energy I should have spent on myself.
There was also (like in Ruby s meeting) an older couple with 20 plus years sober who were so loving to each other and it fed my delusions and expectations, like a fool I thought it would be Ed and I someday!!!
Anyway from this double winner's experience it was not a healthy thing to do for me.

Ps:
@Hammer, it happened to me one time too. My godfather booked me an hotel room with "reasonable" prices and it was actually a brothel like you I thought it was hilarious LOL