Unsure of what to do in a new relationship
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 4
Unsure of what to do in a new relationship
I have been dating this woman for 2 months. I knew her 4 months previously and though we met at parties, I rarely noticed any issues with drinking. The first month was great it seemed. The more time we spent together, the more things popped up. A couple of times she was drinking with her mom and showed up super late for the dates. During her birthday she drank a lot and didnt realize that she was over flirtatious with one of her male friends. Over the last month, we've had at least one disagreement a week that stemmed from her drinking. As our relationship progresses, whenever we go out, even if its a movie or a show, she always orders a drink.
This last weekend, I was just throughly embarrased she began to drink at a party and became visibly embarrasing. I said something to her sunday, i went home first, read a lot of opinions and approached the subjet like a team. As expected, i was rebuffed and accused of trying to change her.
She he sisther and her mother get together frequently with the activities centered around drinking. I feel bad because her habit is not all her fault. The children in her family seem to be trained at an early age to fetch liquor and that drinking is always apart of family outings.
I am writing because I really don't know what to do. After I asked her to cull her drinking last night, we had a major disagreement and she left my place, first monday i woke up without her in a long time. This morning things did not improve. She says I am overanalyzing her and that she will simply not drink around me or go around my friends.
I am unsure of what to do. Two months is not a long time in arelationship. Should I walk away? I dont want to not be supportive. My dad was a drug addict for years. My mom stuck by him. She does not see her drinking as an issue. Should I stick this out, even though rock bottom may not be for decades? Should I just be heartbroken and suffer my losses?
This last weekend, I was just throughly embarrased she began to drink at a party and became visibly embarrasing. I said something to her sunday, i went home first, read a lot of opinions and approached the subjet like a team. As expected, i was rebuffed and accused of trying to change her.
She he sisther and her mother get together frequently with the activities centered around drinking. I feel bad because her habit is not all her fault. The children in her family seem to be trained at an early age to fetch liquor and that drinking is always apart of family outings.
I am writing because I really don't know what to do. After I asked her to cull her drinking last night, we had a major disagreement and she left my place, first monday i woke up without her in a long time. This morning things did not improve. She says I am overanalyzing her and that she will simply not drink around me or go around my friends.
I am unsure of what to do. Two months is not a long time in arelationship. Should I walk away? I dont want to not be supportive. My dad was a drug addict for years. My mom stuck by him. She does not see her drinking as an issue. Should I stick this out, even though rock bottom may not be for decades? Should I just be heartbroken and suffer my losses?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear dontadow, 1) short period of disappointment or "heartbreak" 2) decades of hell
Which looks like the best option? What option would you advise your best friend to choose if they were in your shoes?
From my heart--I want to say to you that your family history sets you up for, big time, for co-dependency issues. Please hang around this forum and learn everything you can.
This is a great opportunity for you to do a lot of growing---a great window of opportunity.
sincerely, dandylion
Which looks like the best option? What option would you advise your best friend to choose if they were in your shoes?
From my heart--I want to say to you that your family history sets you up for, big time, for co-dependency issues. Please hang around this forum and learn everything you can.
This is a great opportunity for you to do a lot of growing---a great window of opportunity.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
2 months is not along time, it’s still the getting to know you stage and what you do know already, is not sitting well with you.
You’ve voiced your concerns about her drinking and she became defensive. Tells you allot right there.
If it were me, I would cut my losses now and find someone who doesn’t have any drinking or drug issues. She is not a good fit for you, you are never going to CHANGE her and her drinking habits.
If you stay be prepared for HER to resent you regarding her drinking then most likely will chose drinking over you and she will end it.
You’ve voiced your concerns about her drinking and she became defensive. Tells you allot right there.
If it were me, I would cut my losses now and find someone who doesn’t have any drinking or drug issues. She is not a good fit for you, you are never going to CHANGE her and her drinking habits.
If you stay be prepared for HER to resent you regarding her drinking then most likely will chose drinking over you and she will end it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 121
Dontadow,
From my perspective 2 months into the relationship is no reason to feel you need to be dedicated to someone for decades who has an alcohol problem. It's still very much a new relationship and your only begining to see what this person is all about. It sounds like this relationship is already creating negativity and embarrasing issues in your life. I know exactly whats it's like to be out with someone like that, I have been doing it for decades with my AH, and it never really seems to get much better. You seem like you know what you want, and what is unaceptable in the behavior deptartment and that you are familiar what it's like to live with an addict. I agree with Dandylion that you may be set up for codependency issues after living through it in childhood. I am still with my AH, but I always tell my kids that they need to be wary of inviting an addicted/alcohol obesessed person into their lives. It steals the joy and balance right out of what is supposed to be a natural, trusting union between two people. If you were my child, I'd be telling you the same. I too encourage you to stick around here and read, read, read! Then maybe you will be able to better make a decision based on others experiences who have been living in an A relationship. I think it wise that your asking questions as well!
From my perspective 2 months into the relationship is no reason to feel you need to be dedicated to someone for decades who has an alcohol problem. It's still very much a new relationship and your only begining to see what this person is all about. It sounds like this relationship is already creating negativity and embarrasing issues in your life. I know exactly whats it's like to be out with someone like that, I have been doing it for decades with my AH, and it never really seems to get much better. You seem like you know what you want, and what is unaceptable in the behavior deptartment and that you are familiar what it's like to live with an addict. I agree with Dandylion that you may be set up for codependency issues after living through it in childhood. I am still with my AH, but I always tell my kids that they need to be wary of inviting an addicted/alcohol obesessed person into their lives. It steals the joy and balance right out of what is supposed to be a natural, trusting union between two people. If you were my child, I'd be telling you the same. I too encourage you to stick around here and read, read, read! Then maybe you will be able to better make a decision based on others experiences who have been living in an A relationship. I think it wise that your asking questions as well!
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by dontadow 
two months is not a long time in arelationship. Should i walk away?
yes
Originally Posted by dontadow
should i stick this out, even though rock bottom may not be for decades?
no
Originally Posted by dontadow
should i just be heartbroken and suffer my losses?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Welcome to SR! Great you are here, and at the same time, sorry you had to come here 
If she is truly an alcoholic that does not help herself, then your life will become a painful rollercoaster ride. Early on is the good times in a relationship- and unless she realizes that she may have a drinking problem and addresses it, then these will probably be your BEST times. The longer you are on the ride, the harder it will be to get off.
No need to feel bad here, but you should realize that it is nobody's fault BUT hers. She is solely responsible for her own life choices. This includes the choice to help herself.
One thing you will learn from the fine folks here: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Neither did anyone else in her life.
If she is truly an alcoholic that does not help herself, then your life will become a painful rollercoaster ride. Early on is the good times in a relationship- and unless she realizes that she may have a drinking problem and addresses it, then these will probably be your BEST times. The longer you are on the ride, the harder it will be to get off.
I feel bad because her habit is not all her fault
One thing you will learn from the fine folks here: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Neither did anyone else in her life.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I am separated now from my alcoholic wife of 36 years so I can speak from a lot of experience.
Run Away!
You can not begin to imagine the amount of pain and heart ache that is waiting for you if continue in a relationship with an active alcoholic.
Your friend,
Run Away!
You can not begin to imagine the amount of pain and heart ache that is waiting for you if continue in a relationship with an active alcoholic.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Danylion put it perfectly! Do you want to waste two months of your life and be disappointed for a couple weeks over it? Or do you want to waste years of your life and become sick yourself? I'd get out now. In fact, I'd run like hell. When you are gambling with your sanity, giving an alcoholic the benefit of the doubt is pretty high risk behavior. Sorry to be so blunt. My desire to spare people the extraordinary pain of dealing with an alcoholic gets the best of me. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You are in the early stages of dating when we're figuring out if this is a good partner for the life we seek. You're already seeing issues. Even if she denies being an A, if her drinking and subsequent behavior is a problem for you then it's a problem....period! Kudos to you for seeing the signs early, and for seeking advice. But I would say RUN don't walk.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Glasgow
Posts: 94
Dontadow I know how you feel. I wish I had knowledge of this forum 2 months into the relationship. I needed up with him for 5 years and broke up 4 times during it this time for good. After 8 months with him my mental health had slipped was off work for 3 months lost weight and totally obsessed with this guy. Even after that I licked my wounds and feeling better went back for more. It's a tough decision ahead of you. What helped me reach mine was being gentle with myself in my confusion. Books by Toby Rice Drews helped as well as reading loads about alcoholism. I wanted my relationship to work out and I still love him but listen to the people on this forum. It helped me get out of denial. Al anon is a great place to start also. I hope you keep coming back and hope I've not offended you. Like Dreamsofserenity I'm passionate now letting people know the heartache that lies ahead
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
shes clearly not a match for you. that is CERTAIN. she drinks excessively regardless if she is or isnt an alcoholic. her drinking is impacting you and you do not like it.
you cannot change someone but you can find someone who "fits" you more.
it seems like you are setting yourself up on this one. im not saying she is an alcoholic BUT she obviously enjoys drinking the way she does and it is condoned behaviour within her family. my opinion would be to take a step back from the relationship. ask yourself what you want in a partner, what are you looking for? and what characteristics is healthy and will make YOU happy. take a step back, detach , mingle with other people who fit your lifestyle more and think about it like this , letting a relationship continue where there is a downward spiral on her part or a constant feeling of being unhappy in yours is not worth a mere 2 month relationship with no attachments . its just not worth it. this is about you! pick your significant other carefully because jumping into a relationship with isues and letting it continue on....well the problems are for worse then. think kids, think marirage, think shared living etc....letting it get that far when you clearly are not happy will only make you even more miserable.
you cannot change someone but you can find someone who "fits" you more.
it seems like you are setting yourself up on this one. im not saying she is an alcoholic BUT she obviously enjoys drinking the way she does and it is condoned behaviour within her family. my opinion would be to take a step back from the relationship. ask yourself what you want in a partner, what are you looking for? and what characteristics is healthy and will make YOU happy. take a step back, detach , mingle with other people who fit your lifestyle more and think about it like this , letting a relationship continue where there is a downward spiral on her part or a constant feeling of being unhappy in yours is not worth a mere 2 month relationship with no attachments . its just not worth it. this is about you! pick your significant other carefully because jumping into a relationship with isues and letting it continue on....well the problems are for worse then. think kids, think marirage, think shared living etc....letting it get that far when you clearly are not happy will only make you even more miserable.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
If you have a problem with it, then there is a PROBLEM! Now wether she wants to admit the problem... That's a whole nother story and you are getting her perspective on it! She doesn't want to address it and feels you are changing her.
Pack her stuff and send her on her way right back to her mother or where ever you found her. She survived before you and she'll survive after you and you will too. There is nothing worse than living through alcohell with someone you're with.
Pack her stuff and send her on her way right back to her mother or where ever you found her. She survived before you and she'll survive after you and you will too. There is nothing worse than living through alcohell with someone you're with.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
why not ?
Originally Posted by dontadow
She says I am overanalyzing her and that she will simply not drink around me or go around my friends.
why not ?
let's see how long she can really do that ??
if she can do that
it shows some control
chances are -- it's a long shot
onehigherpower
let's see how long she can really do that ??
if she can do that
it shows some control
chances are -- it's a long shot
onehigherpower
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Well...from the other perspective...I seriously doubt that 2 months into the relationship is enough time for her to break up with the bottle. If she is an alcoholic I can promise you without fail she will not.
BTW this "habit" is her fault. Family aside she is an adult, mom and sister don't force her to drink she chooses to. If she is an alcoholic we can debate "choice" however the semantics don't matter. You have a problem with it. She has stated loud and clear that she will continue to drink. This now means, as she has said and shown, she will continue to she will just limit her time with you. Isn't really the foundation for a promising future do you think?
Feeling bad for her, feeling guilty, and wanting to help her is the recipe for a lifetime of misery. Keep the focus on YOU, what YOU want and what YOU need. Get out now my friend.
BTW this "habit" is her fault. Family aside she is an adult, mom and sister don't force her to drink she chooses to. If she is an alcoholic we can debate "choice" however the semantics don't matter. You have a problem with it. She has stated loud and clear that she will continue to drink. This now means, as she has said and shown, she will continue to she will just limit her time with you. Isn't really the foundation for a promising future do you think?
Feeling bad for her, feeling guilty, and wanting to help her is the recipe for a lifetime of misery. Keep the focus on YOU, what YOU want and what YOU need. Get out now my friend.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 102
Even if she were agreeing with you and seeking recovery today, odds are you would still have a long roller coaster ride that I personally would never sign up for given the choice. I have endured a decade of "last drink evers" punctuated by regular AA attendance, accompanied by relapse after tearful relapse. Obviously, YMMV, but you are getting great advice here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
a mere two months in and already there are problems....problems that embarrassed you and problems big enough that you have already requested she CHANGE her habits. two months is still the DATING phase...the getting to know a bit more about you phase....NOT the here's a list of things i want you to CHANGE for me phase!!!
yup, pull up stakes, move on.
yup, pull up stakes, move on.
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