SomewhereElse

So I told AH that it's over. We will remain friendly b/c we still love each other and are still friends, plus for the kids' sake. But he has moved down to the basement. For financial reasons (debt, and I'm a SAHM) he really can't move out, b/c we can't afford to pay another set of bills. (I know I've posted about this issue quite a few times in the last week, sorry)

I feel good about my decision...lighter. But now he is in a REALLY bad way, and it's rubbing off on me. He's drinking pretty much all day and just laying around in the basement. Every time he talks to me, he just says how sad he is and how he can't believe he messed everything up so badly.

I have a support network (AA, Al-Anon, friends, therapy) and he has nothing. He's not a fan of therapy. I wish he would go. I told him "I can't help you...you need to talk to someone else. I need to focus on myself." But I really don't see him doing that. I'm sure time will make things better. I'm already adjusting to sleeping alone and doing my own thing. I feel that this is a major step in focusing on my personal health.

Has anyone ever dealt with this? Will we find a comfortable way to coexist?

ResignedToWait

Just a heads up...SOME states are big sticklers about this so it might not apply to you, but if you are looking to divorce, you need to have been not living under the same roof during the mandatory "separation" time..not even one night, or it starts the clock all over again.

So, if something like this is in your future, this is definitely an aspect you will want to make sure of for your state.

(all this assuming you even live in the U.S. of course, haha)

Florence

We were basically separated while he was pretending to be sober -- I thought he might be sober and was more or less waiting to be proven long, and it didn't take long -- and I found that I personally couldn't rest in my own skin as long as he was in the house and doing his "I screwed up, so sad" routine. What annoyed me most was that with all the laments of having screwed up, there was no effort to change his circumstances. When we split the last time, a tiny part of me thought for sure that he would turn it around. But that wasn't true either -- he lives in his parents' basement now, and they get to pay his way and hear his sad stories instead of me. I don't know what they believe, but I know from their faces and actions that they are not happy with the situation, but that they won't change it either.

The way to detach from this is working on acceptance. I don't care whether he's going to therapy or participating in groups or whatever else if he's still drinking. Once he is sober and fully committed in the long term to changing his life, I'll consider listening to whatever he says. What I know is that today he is still committed to hiding, obscuring, and punishing people who don't to the line with him. Living in the basement at my house, or his parents house, or any other house -- which just so happens to be a perfect arrangement for drinking his life away in isolation and literal and figurative darkness -- won't be a magic cure. Acceptance happened when I stopped looking to him for signs of change and improvement. My final straw happened about six months after booting him from my house -- he was living with his folks, and off to rehab for the fourth time in two years. I'd encouraged him to go on the off-chance this was for real this time -- in hindsight he was saving face after losing yet another job that was a disaster from Day One. On his way up there, several states away, he stopped at some hotel across from a truck stop, called me to tell me he'd been propositioned to buy drugs and wasn't that weird, and then disappeared down a hole for two days doing god knows what. I tried to get his parents to intervene or hell, even to get mad! But they believed his story hook, line, and sinker -- he was sick! He needed to rest because he had a cold. He got to rehab two days later than planned, called me on his way in, and threatened me again for something stupid. I filed for divorce that week.

The move for me from trying and hoping to not trying and not hoping anymore was a slow loss of respect for him. I don't resent him at all -- he has a disease. But he can't be trusted and I want to minimize his influence in my life. I don't want to be responsible for his bills, his mail, his mama, or his feelings.

Don't look for the short term improvements. Mind your side of the street, stay off of his, and be pleasantly surprised if change happens in his life, and not disappointed when it doesn't. I know we're not supposed to give advice on this board, but I highly suggest you find a way to be financially solvent without him. "For financial reasons (debt, and I'm a SAHM) he really can't move out, b/c we can't afford to pay another set of bills" is an obstacle, not a permanent state. Take action. Make your own way.

hopeful4

I am sorry you are having a hard time! I hear you loudly saying...I AM WORKING ON ME! He will figure that out eventually. This is what makes me laugh about an addict. I cannot believe I messed it up so badly but instead of doing anything right I think I will just lay around and drink all day and really screw things up! Geez....

The thing is, HE does not like therapy. HE does not want support. He has nothing because HE CHOOSES TO HAVE NOTHING! YOU cannot make him want to do those things. Last time I checked, he could attend meetings just like you can. No fees, no being accepted...just show up. If he wants to help himself he needs to actively seek help. Right now he is just looking for you to baby him and feel sorry and to wear you down...stick to your guns!

I have no idea how the legal "separation" issues work so I cannot help on that part of it.

Hugs to you! Keep working on YOU!