lizw

I've been in al anon for a few years now.
I have a tendency to become involved in relationships with abusive alcoholics (not for a few years these days, gratefully) and I have a pretty crazy family of origin - this situation is ongoing.

The most recent development is my 4 year old nephew who lives with my parents (his grandparents) along with his 2 older siblings has been flagged and referred to a sexual offenders program for inappropriate sexual behaviour at his pre school.

I felt a lot of shame about this when my mother told me but have been speaking openly about it with friends (have not discussed it with my mother) and my new partner, who was horrified. This sort of stuff doesn't even register in his brain as in his family things are relatively normal or as normal as they can be.

Anyone have any experience with having a sex offender in the family?

I am aware at the end of the day, anything past the end of my nose is none of my business but am trying to process it and put it somewhere

Raider

I'm confused. How us a 4-year year old flagged as an offender?

jarp

Do you mean that the 4yo has been displaying some sexualised behaviour and has been referred to a program/ assessment as a potential victim of sex abuse? Possibly by a member of your family? Children displaying sexualised behaviours may be the VICTIMS of abuse...

lizw

he has been acting out in sexually inappropriate ways at his pre school and I assume it is on other kids as the program he's been referred to is for perpetrators not victims and it thought the same thing about victims myself. Turns out the professionals involved think otherwise

ShootingStar1

lizw, I agree with Jarp; this is probably just the tip of the iceberg. Young children who do this kind of behavior are generally repeating something that they have seen or experienced. The child is not at fault, and shouldn't be called a "sex offender". That is blaming the victim. Children in pre-school don't do this kind of thing developmentally unless there is a reason for it; someone has introduced sexually oriented behavior to this child, and that most likely means the child has been sexually abused himself.

The real question, to me, is what has been done to this pre-school child, and who did it? And what else is that person doing and to whom?

ShootingStar1

ladyscribbler

My aunt's first husband sexually abused me. It started when I was a toddler and went on for a long time after she left him because he was one of my dad's drinking buddies and they often hung out together. I didn't tell anyone until years later, but my mom said she knew because my younger brother had told her after we returned from a visit with my dad- "Uncle R" takes Ladyscribbler in his bedroom and locks the door. No one else is allowed in. When she told my dad (no one reported it to the police) he didn't believe her and my abuse went on for far longer than it needed to. It finally ended when I was seven after he woke up from a drunken stupor and caught his buddy "in the act."
Please, for your nephew's sake, try to get to the bottom of this. Someone is probably abusing him and he is reenacting an experience with an adult abuser. I could have been saved years of pain, but my parents hated each other more than they loved us kids.

hopeful4

Ladyscribbler...hugs. im so sorry you went through that and i second what you say!!

jarp

Gosh I REALLY hope that you are paraphrasing and that the actual program isn't referred to in that way. The poor little boy if it is. I would have thought that the focus would have been on finding our WHY the chid is acting out sexually....and in my experience the usual is that he is re-enacting something that has been done to him (although not always).

lizw

Thanks for all your replies.

And just to confirm the program he has been referred to is for sex offenders. It's well known in my country in social service circles and the even more disturbing thing is he was referred there by our version of children's social services after his pre school made a notification to them, this alone disturbs me as I have worked for an organisation and part of my job was to make notifications myself and at times to get those folks to do something, one has to threaten media attention.

Part of me wonders why the pre school didn't talk to my parents first but I actually know the answer to that. They are very closed off people and probably would have reacted badly if they were approached.

Chances are very high he was sexually abused. His mother, my younger sister, has a thing for sex offenders. Her last 2 boyfriends before she lost custody of her kids to my parents, were convicted sex offenders. My dad found out when he saw their pictures in the paper, both had breeched bail conditions and were wanted.

My dad himself also has a nack for meeting sex offenders and my own childhood is littered with unsafe men he use to 'befriend' then find out they were perverts. This happened quite a few times.

My younger sister at one stage went through a phase of accusing him of sexually abusing her. And I think it is possible. He certainly physically, verbally and emotionally abused all us kids (5 of us) as we grew up and my mum looked the other way.

Neither of my parents drink though. Would probably be great if they did as the craziness is mind bending. Both sets of grandad parents were huge drinkers - except my mums mum, she was militant catholic.

I was going to go see my family for Xmas on my own but my partner has offered to take me and be present.
I am actually quite worried I may punch my mum or dad in the face and my first reaction to reading the email was wanting to vomit.

Part of me gets this latest development is rather natural in a sense of 'that's dysfunction for you' and given my families history probably couldn't have expected any better. He's a lovely little boy though. Very sweet.

LoveMeNow

Since there suspicions regarding your father sexually abusing your sister, I would be concerned for the children living with him now.

lizw

Yeah. For awhile there a few years back there was some court order thing in place that said he was not to be left alone with the kids and required supervision at all times. And yes, he was supervised by my mother. The whole situation is just crazy!

LoveMeNow

I am sorry, this must be very painful for you. Has any one alerted the preschool or program that the children have been placed in of your father's past history??

Lulu39

What is the organisation your nephew has been referred to? PM me if you like.

I seriously cannot believe that any organisation in NZ would be so backward as to refer a four year old child to a sex offender program. It's unethical and most likely illegal. Four year old children are victims not offenders.

If the child has been referred to the Pastoral Counselling Institute, as well as a Sex Offenders program, the Pastoral Counselling Institute also provides Parenting Programs for parents whose "children have difficulty with social interaction, learning and behaviour." It might just be a way to get the kid safe and away from whoever is most likely abusing him.

choublak

Is this a sex offender program specifically for child "sex offenders"?

hopeful4

I am quite alarmed by all of this. For there to have been an actual order that your father not be left alone w/a child w/out supervision means something quite serious has taken place.

I truly hope someone is there to advocate for this poor child who has obviously been abused.

peaceofpi

Can the nephew be removed from the "care" of a grandfather who might be sexually abusing him? Perhaps, to yours where he could be safe? What's the best living arrangement for the little boy?

peaceofpi

It's possible the child has been the victim of abuse. It's also possible he has seen pornographic images or video. Either way, he's highly likely to be acting out something that he has experienced.

My son (about the same age) likewise was referred to social services. The outcome was inconclusive, because he did not make the same clear outcry to them and to his therapist that he did to me.

Sometimes, all you can do is make the best choices you can to keep the child safe and loved. For example, right now I can't change our custody arrangements, which provide the alcoholic parent with unsupervised lengthy visits. But I can provide our child a loving and stable home the other half of the time. I can provide an open line of communication and trust, and I tell my child we don't have any secrets. And I can document and document and pray.

thislonelygirl

I don't know what type of "inappropriate" conduct it is. it must be bad enough that it has been taken that far because some children actually display what some would consider inappropriate behavior without ever being abused. you can google it . babies do it in the womb, kids will touch themselves some even others. there is a natural curiosity and behavior that children will go through. google child or even toddler masturbation....its crazy but it exists. Btw .....as i said it must be bad enough to go to that extreme and it sort of pis*** me off because these kids would obviously be victims not offenders. Are the children still in the home? I hope if they go to the lengths of calling the kids offenders or being in a program they look into everything and hopefully everything gets figured out. oh as for the preschool not notifying your parents.....the same thing happened to my parents with my sibling. she had a terrible diaper rash and they called cps without even talking to my parents....well the daycare looked stupid when cps found out my sibling had gone to the dr the day before for the rash and it was already being dealt with. its not uncommon for them to report something without speaking to parents. it's all up to who ever it is

thislonelygirl

hugs to you. this sounds like a lot of craziness. Too much so. I hope the kids get help and everything gets situated. i don't think i would celebrate the holidays with family if things were that hectic and toxic. js. good luck

hopeful4

Please keep in mind....they may not have told the parents b/c they may suspect the parents are involved or that the parents would not take action or cover up action. They have a RESPONSIBILITY to report behavior that they deem to be suspicious. If it comes to nothing...great. If not, they reported it.

I have sincere doubts anyone who has ever worked in the field would consider the child (esp one that young) to be anything but a victim. I am not doubting you, just saying I am not sure you are getting the whole story here. Again, some of it seems vague.

I am certainly not trying to be critical, I am just hoping someone who cares will advocate for the poor child who has been exposed in some way, shape, or form to some very wrong behavior.